Gift cards, certificates, et cetera: A Snarky Lecture

I read an article a week or two ago (no link, I don’t remember where I read it) that listed the drawbacks to a number of large chain store or online retailer gift cards. Mainly they broke down in two categories: the “service charges” that the retailers begin deducting from the card after a certain period of disuse, which is annoying, and the fact that in just about all cases the cards are not redeemable for cash, which is not.

When I worked for Pizza Hut, it never failed. Ever. We’d sell tons of gift certificates during the Christmas season, and then they’d all get redeemed in January (which is part of the idea: generating sales during a traditionally slow month). But we sold the certificates in $5.00 denominations only, so someone might be given, say, five certificates for a gift totaling $25.00. Fair enough.

But what would inevitably happen was that people would come in, order something very basic — like a medium pepperoni and two glasses of water, total bill something like $11.00 — and then fork over all five of their gift certificates, fully expecting to get $14.00 back in change. And these customers would then get angry when I refused to do this. They really thought that they could just cash them in and take the money to the bar next door or wherever. (I once even had a guy come in with five gift certificates and demand to cash them all in without any purchase of any kind; he very bluntly informed me that he hated our company and wanted nothing to do with us and that I was to give him his $25.00 and send him on his way. When I refused, he called the 1-800 complaint number, the operator at which tried to mollify him by awarding him — you guessed it — more gift certificates.)

On the off chance that any of my readers engage in this practice, please stop! People give you gift certificates for a certain establishment on the assumption that you will be able to derive some kind of benefit by going there to redeem them for merchandise or food, even if it’s an establishment you typically do not frequent, for whatever reason. If they wanted to give you cash, they’d give you cash. And these businesses rely on gift certificate redemption to help soften the blow in moving from the Christmas retail season (incredibly busy) to the January retail season (incredibly not). And if you really feel that strongly — if you’re given a gift certificate to a business you utterly, completely despise — then find someone who likes that place and regift the certificates to them. That is far more honest than simply walking in, buying something small, and then expecting the store to just hand over the difference from the register.

(And really, if you can’t figure out how to use up a $25.00 gift card to Borders or B&N, then you’re not just a clod but a doofus too.)

Share This Post

Of Nativities in Public

I know that it’s often a source of controversy for people who want to erect Nativity Scenes in places like public parks or on the front lawn of the town hall, but I really can’t get worked up too much in either direction. On the one hand, I agree entirely that using public resources to subsidize and support a depiction of a scene specific to a single religion (even if that religion is the overwhelming religion of the people in the country) probably isn’t Constitutional. But on the other hand, I’m not sure that such Nativities represent that much of an imposition on the non-Christians, who merely have to ignore the thing. But then, going back to the first place, why make it such an issue, anyway? In my travels throughout suburban Buffalo recently, you almost literally can’t go more than half a mile without seeing a Nativity either in the front yard of a church or someone’s house. If there are thousands of places where you can set up your Nativity without any such controversy erupting, why bother insisting that we stick one in the Town Park?

Share This Post

We SUCK!

There’s a pretty illuminating article in today’s Buffalo News about how bad the Bills have played on offense this year. Yuck. The team is on pace to have the franchise’s worst offensive season since the NFL went to a 16-game schedule twenty-five years ago, and that includes such woeful Bills offenses as the 1985, 1997, and 2001 teams (which went 2-14, 6-10, and 3-13 respectively).

But even with the obvious fact that the Bills have been lousy on offense this year, columnist-extraordinaire Jerry Sullivan is not content to let the day slip by without saying something colossally stupid. Here’s his take, from today’s column, about Bills receiver Josh Reed:

So much for Josh Reed’s emergence as an offensive threat. Reed has gone two consecutive games without a catch. Meanwhile, New England got two touchdown catches in Saturday’s win from David Givens – who went 217 picks after Reed in the 2002 draft.

Gee, let’s compare the career stats for these two players:

Receiver Games Played Receptions Yards TD’s Total Team Scoring, 2003
D.Givens (Pats) 24 36 522 6 317
J. Reed (Bills) 31 90 1057 4 243

So, Reed has had almost three times as many catches in his career as has Givens, and that’s with Givens playing for a team that is 13-2 and has scored 70 more points than the Bills this year. But I guess the fact that Givens had one really good game while he’s playing for a really good team makes him the better receiver, in Jerry’s eyes. Please. Josh Reed clearly hasn’t been stellar, but then, the problems with the Bills’ offensive production this year go way deeper than a second-year receiver who has actually been pretty productive, as second-year receivers go. Jerry, stop being stupid. Please oh please.

Oh, and since I’m babbling about football today, let me note that someone arrived here via a Google search for wild-card teams that have won the Super Bowl. To my knowledge, only six wild-card teams have ever made it to the big game, with three of those winning it. Those six teams are as follows:

Year Wild-Card Team SB Opponent Result
1980 Raiders Eagles W, 27-10
1985 Patriots Bears L, 10-46
1992 Bills Cowboys L, 17-52
1997 Broncos Packers W, 31-24
1999 Titans Rams L, 16-23
2000 Ravens Giants W, 34-7

Interestingly, all six wild-card Super Bowl teams came from the AFC. No NFC team has ever converted a wild-card playoff berth into a Super Bowl appearance.

(The title quote for this post is, of course, a reference to former Saints and Colts head coach Jim Mora, who once said exactly that in a post-game press conference.)

Share This Post

The Look of Middle-Earth

While I was in college, a single-volume hardcover edition of Lord of the Rings came out that featured gorgeous paintings by fantasy artist Alan Lee, who later went on to be a major contributor to Peter Jackson’s design team (if not the major contributor). A major pleasure of seeing the films was seeing those Alan Lee paintings brought to cinematic life. Here is a gallery of Lee’s Tolkien-related art. (Personally, I think his Treebeard looks more like the Orc who wanted to cut off Merry and Pippin’s legs for dinner than anything else, but that’s just me.)

Share This Post

“Rhinegold”

Brad DeLong reminds me of a fantasy novel that may be of interest to Tolkien fans or to people generally interested in the body of Northern European, or Teutonic, myth that was part of the wellspring from which Lord of the Rings is drawn. The book is called Rhinegold, by Stephan Grundy.

Partially dedicated to Tolkien and to Richard Wagner, this is a recasting of the legends of Siegfried (here, Sigifrith) and the mysterious gold of the Rhine river. It is also one of the densest books I’ve ever read: readers who have difficulty with Tolkien’s language will positively choke on Grundy’s. Also, as one of the Amazon reviewers notes, Grundy is not entirely successful at blending his bardic prose with coarse dialogue. I’ve been meaning to re-read this book for years — like DeLong, I am not even sure to what degree I like it, but I’ve never forgotten it since I read it nearly ten years ago. (I bought it at sight when it first came out.) Maybe I’ll add it to the 2004 Reading List that I’m putting together, since I’m already planning on reading the Nibelungenlied, Parzifal and the Sagas of Iceland.

Grundy has also written novels about Attila the Hun and about the Gilgamesh legend. I haven’t read any of those, however.

Share This Post

Behold the King Elessar!

I saw Return of the King yesterday, and like just about everyone else in the world, some things about it I adored, some things I liked less so well, and overall I found it a stunning and occasionally emotionally overwhelming experience. I think, though, that I found The Two Towers to be the best of the trilogy, based on the theatrical cuts. (My thoughts on The Two Towers can be found here.)

And, like everyone else, it seems that the best course may be just list some random observations. SPOILERS HERE!

:: First, a complaint about movie audiences: when you know damned well that the film you’re seeing is the blockbuster of the season, and you further know that by virtue of seeing it opening weekend it’s likely to sell out the theater, please oh please! Move all the way to the end of the row when you’re filing into the theater, and abandon this foolish idea that you’re going to have an empty seat on either side of your party. The result is that people who get there fairly close to showtime end up either sitting in the less-desirable seats way in front, or splitting up entirely. (And it would be nice if the theater manager actually standing in the door providing assistance to people looking for seats would actually encourage this practice. Anybody who’s ever attended an event in a theater at Disney World knows that those people don’t even admit the possibility of an empty seat, and they treat the crowd accordingly.)

OK, about the movie itself. Remember: spoilers.

:: I know that Peter Jackson needed to set up Sam not being with Frodo for the initial encounter with Shelob, but the whole business with Smeagol planting seeds of doubt about Sam in Frodo’s mind didn’t really work for me. Maybe Frodo would try to send Sam away, but Sam wouldn’t have gone, or even started to go. And he could have accomplished the same thing by having Smeagol arrange, say, a rockslide on the Stairs of Cirith Ungol to perhaps get Sam out of the way. (Of course, the Tolkien-literalists probably would have really howled at this.)

:: The Shelob encounter was a fine sequence. What I liked was that Peter Jackson avoided the temptation to start the encounter with one of those Alien-like “beastie jumping out with a bang” to scare the audience. What I didn’t like was Sam’s line “Get away from him, you filth!” which put me in mind of, well, Aliens when Ripley dons the Wearable Forklift.

:: I liked the effect of Frodo’s eyes becoming bluer and bluer, and more lamplike, like Gollum’s eyes, as the film progressed and the Ring made its final grab for Frodo’s soul.

:: Wasn’t the Golden Hall full of sleeping men when Pippin swiped the Palantir? Why, then, did nobody awaken except for Merry, Gandalf, Legolas and Aragorn?

:: Yes, I missed Saruman. “He’s not a threat anymore. Leave him locked in the tower” just doesn’t cut it, I’m afraid.

:: I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more thrilling scene in a film than the lighting of the signal fires. (But that didn’t stop me from wondering, just how bad do you have to screw up in the service of Gondor to get assigned that duty? “OK, you are to go live on top of this mountain and on the off chance you ever see the fire atop the next mountain over….”

:: OK. I’ve said before that I think Liv Tyler’s performance as Arwen is just fine. Too bad the part of Arwen is pretty badly written. She’s reduced to lying upon a couch, waiting to be saved. I’m not sure how much of this is Tolkien’s fault originally, but Tolkien knew that the romances were not central to his story and relegated them to the Appendices; I’m not sure now that Peter Jackson ever totally figured out how to deal with the structural problems inherent in the Aragorn-Arwen union.

:: And then there’s Eowyn, a strong and compassionate and three-dimensional female character. Too bad she disappears completely after killing the Witch King, and too bad her union with Faramir isn’t shown. I hope this is rectified in the DVD version.

:: The Battle of the Pellenor Fields was pretty remarkable. I found it interesting that, unlike the Battle of Helm’s Deep, it didn’t have a definite starting point – it just kind of ramped up, with one level of desperation following upon another. I was a bit confused as to why this Orc army would bother carving such an elaborate battering ram, though. Much has been said about all the other elements of the battle, so I’ll leave well enough alone. (Except that Eowyn’s take-down of the Witch King was a fine, fine moment. A fine moment among many.) And did I miss it, or was there really no shot of that one Orc Captain – you know the one, Mr. Tumor Face – getting killed horribly?

:: And would it have been so hard to give Gimli a chance to strut his stuff in impressive fashion? We’ve had three films of Legolas being a lethal machine, Merry and Pippin finding their courage, but Gimli never seemed to get his own moment to really shine. I would have liked to see him face down a company of thirty charging Orcs, an axe in each hand….

:: Here’s something I’ve never understood, and maybe a Tolkien scholar among my readership might illuminate me a bit: Why is Gimli the only dwarf to fight in the War of the Ring? Why did none of the Dwarves ever come down from the Lonely Mountain? I’m pretty sure that the disaster in Moria did not destroy all of the Dwarves.

:: There should have been a scene where Aragorn takes the leadership of Minas Tirith and Gondor before leading the armies to the Black Gate.

:: The film is, of course, visually amazing. But there were a couple of visuals that I didn’t like on the compositional basis. Among these is when Aragorn’s army is surrounded outside the Black Gate. (Oh, yeah, I missed the Mouth of Sauron. This would have added, at most, two minutes to the running time.) The wide shot had a “concentric circle” appearance that looked fake to me, as did the way the ground fell away when Mordor collapsed – the fissures stopped in the exact zig-zag pattern needed to spare all of Aragorn’s army. That didn’t work for me.

:: The corsair ships didn’t glide in the water like real ships to my eyes – no rocking back and forth, no rise and fall of the prows as they cut the waves. No, not a big deal. It just happened to catch my eye.

:: Likewise, I can buy the ring not melting instantly upon plopping onto the lava, but Gollum should have disintegrated in flames before meeting the molten rock.

:: I didn’t much miss the Scouring of the Shire, and further, I don’t think today’s film audiences would have sat through it willingly. There was enough squirming during the wrap-ups as it was. But if Jackson had to ditch the Scouring, I might have rather preferred if Frodo had simply never attempted to live there again. The film made it feel slightly perfunctory for me, and about the only solution I could see would have been for Frodo to never have gone back to the Shire at all. (In the film, assuming no Scouring. The book works fine, obviously.)

:: Generally speaking, I don’t think the films really capture either the sense of journey or the passage of time that is evident in the books. There are too few glimpses of the map of Middle Earth in all of the films, and while there is the occasional line of dialogue that conveys time (“It’s been four years since Weathertop”, “We must hold this road out of Rivendell for forty days”, “The Uruks are still a day ahead of us!”), that passage of time still isn’t really felt. Nowhere is this more true than when Frodo and Sam finally get into Mordor: the film makes it seem like Mount Doom is all of five or six miles from the Pass of Cirith Ungol. This crops up, though, in all manner of other places. Aragorn’s journey on the Paths of the Dead is a long trek, but the film doesn’t really suggest as much.

:: As long as Peter Jackson was willing to include stuff from the Appendices, I wish he’d found a way to get in the bit where an old Samwise Gamgee, after Rosie has passed on, goes to the Grey Havens and over the sea as the last of the Ringbearers.

:: Any film music fan willing to utter anything along the lines of “Oh, if only Williams/Horner/Goldsmith had been signed to score these films” should be given an immediate series of ritual dope-slaps. Howard Shore has scored these films magnificently, none moreso than this third installment.

So, that’s it. I’ll probably have more to say once my thoughts have formed and my feelings have settled in a little. This trilogy is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen, and I wonder if this might not point to a new direction for Hollywood, now that it’s demonstrated that audiences will accept stories told in multiple films that are designed as such. I don’t think the films are perfect, and I’m not sure if they’ll displace Star Wars in my heart. But I’m sad that it’s over.

(But hey, it’s not a total loss: I still have May of 2005 to look forward to!)

Share This Post

Football? What’s that?

I watched exactly zero minutes of football yesterday. Not a one. I have given up hope. My Bills have been placed on the funeral pyre, and the armies of Darkness — better known as the Patriots — are swarming across the world. Soon, I suspect, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will be hoisting another Lombardi Trophy, Sean will be dancing around squealing about “his precious”, and the NFL will fall into shadow.

But at least the Dolphins will be joining the Bills on the pyre.

Share This Post

No Updates Today

My plate is pretty full today, what with going to see a movie about a returning something or other. (I hope I like the part where Frodo and Sam infiltrate Mordor and enlist the aid of the native population, which are three-foot-tall fuzzy creatures armed with stones and spears, in order to deactivate the force shield that surrounds Barad-dur and prevents Aragorn and his buddy Lando from flying in on a dragon to destroy the main reactor. I also hope they pull off the scene where Frodo succeeds in turning Saruman, who turns out to be his actual father, back to the side of goodness.)

Thus, there probably won’t be any more posting than this. I do plan to have some ROTK thoughts up tomorrow. I also plan to fill up space this week with some reposting of selected posts from the last year, mainly as a way of setting up some things I want to write about in 2004.

Here are a couple of links for today:

:: Al Gore Jr., busted! And because he didn’t turn the headlights on. Yeesh.

:: Kevin Drum on the poll reported yesterday that seemingly reveals wide-spread support for amending the Constitution to ban gay marriage.

:: Modulatin’ Steve points to some spectacular space photography. Wonderful images!

:: LLLOOONNNGGG discussion thread on Return of the King, mainly by people who are so frighteningly literate that I despair of my proto-writing career.

:: Finally, I love Christmas music. I really, truly do. The only Christmas songs I actively dislike are “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”, “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”, the “Carol of the Bells”, and whatever that horrible thing with the #$&%^!! Chipmunks is called. Yes, I actually like “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, although I tend to prefer humorous rewritings of it, with the best I’ve ever heard being a version I only heard once, on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson some years back — it was themed around a divorce settlement, with the song listing the things the husband is giving up. (If anyone happens to have those lyrics, I’d love to have them too!) And my favorite Christmas song is “Little Drummer Boy”, with my favorite performance thereof being the 1970s kitsch version done by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.

Having noted that, a devilish MeFi thread about Christmas songs and music turns up this exhaustive, and caustically hilarious, listing of Christmas songs, and for that person in your family who would turn Christmas into a celebration of the Dark Powers of the World, there are Carols for Cthulhu!

See you all tomorrow!

Share This Post