Everything depends on a ceramic bunny

When I was very young, my mother gave me a ceramic bunny. It looked just like this one. In my memory, it looked exactly like this one…only for some reason I really think the one I had was a bit bigger. Not much, but a bit. I may be wrong about that. I haven’t seen that bunny in years. I suppose it might still be hanging around in some box or the back of a drawer someplace, nestled safely enough to be forgotten over however many years and however many moves, but more likely that poor bunny just got lost at some point along the way.

Like I said, that’s not the bunny my mother gave me. I know this because anyone who has ever gifted a three- or four-year-old with something ceramic knows what inevitably happens to such things: I dropped the bunny one day, and he broke. I don’t remember dropping it, and I don’t remember being upset, but I know that I would have been heartbroken by this development. I know this not just because I know how I am and how I get upset to this day when I break things that are meaningful. I also know this because Mom fixed the bunny.

She did the best she could. I don’t know if she didn’t really know how to use superglue, or even what such glue options would have been available to her in the early 1970s when this would have happened, which might be why she didn’t glue it. She taped him back together with masking tape. And honestly? She did a fine job, and that tape held. For years. And years. And years. The joints were tight and my bunny was solid, even when he shouldn’t have been.

After Mom died, I found myself missing my little brown ceramic bunny. Surely there was no chance of ever finding an actual replacement for something that she had to have bought cheaply nearly 50 years ago…but I went searching nonetheless. I did the best I could: I searched eBay for “brown ceramic rabbit”.

I found him almost immediately…and I found a few friends for him.

It was not a hard choice to make. There were a number of sets of these bunnies available at the time (this was a little over a year ago), and it turned out that they were made by a company called Goebel, a German outfit that makes porcelain figurines and which also owns Hummel, a more famous figurine maker. I chose one set of three and bought it. A week or two later, I had my bunny again…along with two friends.

The three bunnies all sit now atop my desk just in front of the Four Musketeers. This seems fitting, in some small and odd way.

I never asked Mom if she remembered the little brown ceramic bunny or her fixing him with masking tape. Add that to the list of conversations that went unspoken, I suppose.

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Something for Thursday

So for Tuesday Tones the other day, I went to feature a piece of music that I know I’ve featured here before but I couldn’t remember how long it’s been, so I looked it up. I featured it less than six months ago. So I chose something else.

Today I want to feature a piece of music I know I’ve featured here before, but I can’t remember how long it’s been. So I looked it up. Almost fifteen years.

Time is weird, y’all.

Anyway, here’s something I discovered after music camp one year. I was playing in the jazz band and we did a number by Chuck Mangione, called “Land of Make Believe”, and it was a really catchy tune, upbeat and happy with a relentless figure underneath it that will make only the deepest comatose people fail to react with toe-tapping glee. At that point I had heard the thing a number of times, always in the instrumental, but at the camp we included vocals. The lyrics at the time struck me as kind of syrupy and childish, but then our band director started pointing things out–the saxes quote “Old McDonald” here, the trombones quote “Farmer in the Dell” there–and gradually it started to make sense why this thing was so peppy and childlike.

Those actually aren’t bad things at all, unless you’re putting up a jaded front.

After the camp ended for that year, I embarked on a usual project of mine after a musical experience in which a new work captivated me: I sought out recordings of the pieces we had played, at least, the ones that I had particularly enjoyed. One was, indeed, “Land of Make Believe”, which I found on a Mangione compilation tape. (Yes, this was in the era of cassettes. Sue me!) But where the version we’d played at camp had been six minutes long or so, this one was over twelve minutes. It had a lot more vocals, it started with a long slow intro (the version we played started with the up tempo part), and it had more solo sections than the version we’d played (which only featured one solo, for trumpet/flugelhorn).

And there was more of those lyrics.

Here’s how it begins:

When you’re feelin’ down and out, wond’rin’ what this world’s about
I know a place that has the answer, it’s a place where no one dies
It’s a land where no one cries and good vibrations always greet you

How I love when my thoughts run to the Land Of Make Believe
Where ev’rything is fun forever
Children always gather ’round Mother Goose and all her rhyme
They fill the air with sounds of laughter

And another sample, farther in:

I once asked the Wizard of Oz for the secret of his land
Now just between us he said “Just take a look around here”
Seven Dwarfs and Little Boy Blue, Uncle Remus and Snow White too
Now just between us, that’s what’s known as integration

Silly? Sentimental? Simplistic?

Yeah, maybe. But if you want to illustrate for someone what the sentimental side of the 1970s was like, I think you can do a lot worse than play Chuck Mangione’s “Land of Make Believe” for them.

A note about this particular performance: it was recorded live, with Mangione and his band being backed by the Hamilton Philharmonic Orchestra (Hamilton, Ontario). Not only did you have Mangione and his own talented band on stage, but in the Hamilton Philharmonic at the time were five brass players who would go on to be the founding members of the Canadian Brass, one of the most famous chamber music groups in the world.

This is just over twelve minutes long, so give yourself some time…and give yourself permission to go where this music wants to take you. Here is Chuck Mangione (born in Rochester, NY!) and friends with “Land of Make Believe”.

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“The Force will be with you. Always.” (a repost)

Today marks the 47th anniversary of the release of George Lucas’s “little space movie”, which wasn’t even 20th Century Fox’s projected “Big Movie” of that year. Little did the world know what was about to happen…and certainly a five-year-old kid in LaCrosse, Wisconsin had no idea how his world was about to be shaped forever. I wrote this post in 2017 for the 40th anniversary of Star Wars, and I wouldn’t change anything. I’ll probably write something completely new for the 50th, though…my God, we’re almost at fifty years of Star Wars….


D19 of #IGWritersMay: Novel aesthetics. I make no secret that at its heart, THE SONG OF FORGOTTEN STARS is really my love letter to STAR WARS. (This is a page from the book THE ART OF STAR WARS.) #amwriting #starwars #sciencefiction #spaceopera #Forgotten



I didn’t see Star Wars on opening day. In truth I don’t even remember exactly when I saw it, but it was later in the summer of 1977. We had just moved from Wisconsin to Oregon, and in that time I was not even aware of this enormous movie phenomenon whose popularity was sweeping the nation.

I finally saw it, though, with my sister, who is six years older than me.

I didn’t like it.

It was very loud. It opened with big words flying through space and then there was loud spaceships and talking robots (one of whom only talked in beeps and whistles). There was a girl in white and a bad guy in black whose breath sounded weird. There was a desert planet with weird dwarf-creatures and a kid named Luke who lived with his aunt and uncle. (The uncle could be pretty gruff if Luke was goofing off, to which I could relate.) There were more loud spaceships and one really really big spaceship shaped like a giant ball. There was a guy dressed in black and white who helped the farm kid, and this guy had a giant ape-man friend. There were swords made of light and even more spaceships and a big battle in space.

All of that, and I didn’t understand a lick of it.

In my defense, I was all of five years old at the time.

Until Star Wars, my movie experience was pretty much limited to stuff like Bugs Bunny Superstar and Disney live-actions like The Shaggy DA (which contained a hoot of a pie fight). Then there was this movie with loud spaceships and robots and a farm kid and a bad guy in black and…well, I had no idea what to make of this movie.

Luckily for me I had my sister, who is six years older than me.

She went all-in for Star Wars. She ate it, drank it, breathed it. She talked about it a lot, and gradually her enthusiasm began to win me over. She explained the story to me because I hadn’t understood it all that well, and I decided that I wanted a part of her enthusiasm for my own. So I went with her to see the movie a second time.

I have never ever ever recovered.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Star Wars as it nears and achieves 40 years, and I find myself relating to it most as a storyteller myself. As a writer I tend most to look at Star Wars through the prism of story. Many stories have had a deep effect on me, on the stories I want to tell, and the way I go about telling them, but none moreso than Star Wars, even as the Star Wars story itself has changed over the course of its four decades. Most of the core ideas are still there, though, as Star Wars is now no longer in the hands of its creator, George Lucas. Star Wars is still a tale of heroic adventure unfolding in the sky. It is still a tale not just of the wars but more well-focused on the people fighting that war. It is a tale of improbably redeemable villains, of the way our paths mirror those of our parents, and of finding love in the face of desperation. It is a tale of family.

I can’t help thinking in most, if not all, of these terms every time I write a story, no matter which genre it’s in. Star Wars made me want to be a storyteller (what is playing with action figures, if not storytelling?). It also taught me that stories can focus at times on more mystical matters, and it taught me that story is an excellent way of addressing the challenges people face in their hearts. Most importantly, though, Star Wars taught me about heroes and quests and the wise elders who try to guide the heroes on their way.

Other stories have come since Star Wars arrived, and many have come to places almost as near to my heart. It’s not only stories, either; it’s all of creative art, really:

Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles
The Lord of the Rings
Casablanca
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
My Fair Lady
Cosmos
Much Ado About Nothing
The House with a Clock in its Walls
The Lions of Al-Rassan
Mary Stewart’s Arthurian trilogy (plus The Wicked Day)
Berlioz’s Symphonie fantastique
Rachmaninov’s Symphony No. 2 in E minor
Invisible Touch by Genesis
Once and Again
Princess Mononoke

These are all things — and there are more — that are at the center of my creative life, but none has ever quite dislodged Star Wars as my Prime Mover. Star Wars is, and continues to be, my Platonic Ideal of what story is.

Even so, I haven’t always kept as close an eye on Star Wars as a massive universe as many. I’ve read only a small handful of all the many novels and comics written over the years, and I haven’t played any of the video games. For me, my appreciation focuses pretty exclusively on the movies themselves, and not just the wonderful Original Trilogy but also the admittedly uneven — but still, in my eyes, uniquely compelling — Prequel Trilogy and even to a smaller extent the recent “Rebirth” movies, The Force Awakens and Rogue One. Those form the core.

Star Wars is as strong now as it ever was, and it is very likely even stronger. It has more fans than ever, and it is now in the hands of a corporate power whose pockets are deep enough to maintain it at a very high level for decades to come. More fans are created every day, it seems, and yet…I do have to admit to feeling a certain level of possibly grumpy oldsterism. Sure, you kids can love Star Wars and in fact I hope that you will, and that your love for Star Wars will lead you to other things. But I came in on the ground level. My memories may be hazy, but I do remember a time before Star Wars.

I believe that every story one writes — or rather, every story that I write — should be, in one way or another, a love letter, either to someone or something. The Song of Forgotten Stars has many influences, but it is ultimately my love letter to Star Wars. If not for Star Wars, there’s no way I would be writing this story. It’s not just about the internals of Star Wars, though: it’s about the way Star Wars impacted me and shaped my life and helped reflected certain relationships in my life. Put it this way: There’s a reason why the two main characters in my Forgotten Stars books are two Princesses, one of whom is six years older than the other. It’s a dynamic that makes sense to me on a lot of different levels.

I also know, from reading a lot about the making of Star Wars over the years and about the life of George Lucas in particular, that the way by which a creative work comes into existence is often a messy one. Lucas’s manner of creation is eerily similar to my own, or maybe vice versa. Lucas is someone who starts out by following ideas in any direction they might go, and only gradually whittles things down and discards this notion or that idea until a streamlined story starts to emerge. I work the same way, at least in part. My rough drafts are often very messy and they always contain entire ideas that I remove entirely, for one reason or another. Lucas has done so much mixing and matching of ideas over the decades (remember that for him, Star Wars is 47 or 48 years old, depending on where he dates The Beginning) that he at times seems to be misremembering his own history. I know how he feels. There are times when an idea seems so organic that it’s hard to claim it for my own. Even if it is.

So thank you for forty years, Star Wars! And may the Force be with you, forevermore.

 

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Kreskin

Mark Evanier on The Amazing Kreskin:

No, I never met Kreskin. Never saw him in person either, though once I was in Laughlin, Nevada for a few days and he was playing at the hotel right across the street. I saw an ad — I think tickets to his show were $9.95 or even lower — and there was a number to call for reservations. I thought, “Reservations? If Kreskin’s any good, he oughta just know I’m coming and save a seat for me!”

But I never got over there. I’d have liked to see him because I liked his style and patter, especially when he was guesting on someone else’s show and had time restraints put on him. He had his own show for a while and I recall that he would take a solid three-minute trick and stretch it out to what felt like ten.

But! In the last decade or two I developed an aversion to magicians who pass perfectly simple magic tricks off as genuine psychic power or telepathy. I’m one of those people who believes — no, knows that there ain’t no such thing as genuine psychic power. I could tolerate and even appreciate it with someone like my pal, the late Max Maven. Max did it with style and in a manner that…well, you’d have to be really, really dimwitted to think it was anything but a trick.

But I have seen magicians who felt that a vital part of their act was convincing the audience that their “psychic powers” were bona fide. I have to wonder how many of them acted as a kind of gateway drug for the kind of people who fall prey to the Sylvia Brownes of the world. I’m talking about connivers who feign such powers to bilk the bilkable.

Reading this, I suddenly remembered: I saw The Amazing Kreskin perform! It was when I was just in 2nd grade. We lived in Elkins, WV at the time; this was 1978-1979. Kreskin is still alive now; he’s 89 years old, so he would have been around 44 when I saw him perform live.

I don’t remember much specifically about the performance, though I do recall that he did some “Blind reading” type stuff, where he’d purport to opening himself up to the mental energies of the room, and then he’d start saying things like “I’m getting something about…someone here has a loved one–a brother, maybe–in the hospital. The brother needs a procedure….” And eventually someone in the audience whose life kinda-sorta matched what Kreskin was saying would stand up and say “That’s me!” It was easy to fall for, honestly.

He also did some sleight-of-hand magic, which is what I liked the most. I only remember one trick, where he put his hands inside a thick pillowcase and had a couple of audience members tightly bunch it up around his wrists so he couldn’t move or do anything…and then suddenly he pulls his hands out, holding a glass of water. That trick was pretty cool.

I don’t recall a whole lot more than that. Mr. Evanier is right that magicians have to walk a careful line between willing suspension of disbelief and soliciting outright belief. David Copperfield (whom I also saw live, in 1996 or so) was–is?–a magnificent showman who created real tension and an atmosphere conducive to belief in what he was doing, but nobody really believed that he had been cut in half by the falling blade or that he had made the Statue of Liberty disappear or that he had actually passed incorporeally through the Great Wall of China.

I know that I didn’t come out of Kreskin’s show way back then believing in magic any more than I had the day before. I do remember a good time and being somewhat amazed by what went on that night. So, I think I came out ahead.

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Pizza Hut Memories (a repost)

Earlier today I saw this tweet from a local Buffalo foodie whose content I’ve enjoyed for years:

Some years ago, Pizza Hut notably exited the entire Western New York market. There were once, oh I don’t know, maybe thirty or forty Pizza Huts in the region (including the Rochester and Western Finger Lakes area), but they were all gone, all at once. I worked for Pizza Hut for four years back in the 1990s (I’m less than a year away from the 30th anniversary of my hire date there!), and back in 2008 I wrote the post below about my experiences working there. It wasn’t a great job, by any means; it sucked in a lot of ways, not the least of which was that Pizza Hut was as cheap as any fast-food establishment back in those days. Six years after I left the Hut, I started work at The Store as an entry-level part-time maintenance worker whose job was emptying garbages and cleaning bathrooms, and my starting pay was more than I was making at the end of my four-year career as a Pizza Hut shift manager, so that tells you something.

But there were some good and fun times there, too. As a lover of all things pizza, I’m never one to look down on a well-made pizza, no matter what style, and I believe to this day that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a Pizza Hut pizza, if it’s properly made. (The recipes, at least back then, were easy for an unmotivated cook to screw up, and if you did screw up the recipes, the result could be pretty poor. I have no idea what the recipes are like now.) Also, while I generally don’t put a ton of stock into the idea that specific drinks need to be served in specific vessels, there are times that’s true: Pepsi simply does not taste nearly as good in any vessel other than those old-school pebbled-texture red plastic glasses they had at Pizza Hut. Also, no iteration of Pac-Man or Ms. Pac-Man was ever as much fun as the sit-down cocktail-lounge style machines they had at Pizza Hut. And you couldn’t beat those cheesy fake “Tiffany” style lamps that tried to make you think they were stained glass worked into the shape of the words “Pizza Hut”.

I read this old post and I remember a lot of that stuff with clarity, much of which I’d forgotten about. The Pizza Hut upper managers–Area Managers and a Market Manager–spent so much time in existential angst over the impending arrival in the WNY market of Fazoli’s and Papa John’s! Now, years later, I think there might be a Papa John’s or two in the area, and Fazoli’s has been gone so long I doubt anybody remembers it who didn’t have a Pizza Hut Area Manager babbling constantly about it for two years.

And now, years later, I can admit one bit of unsavory customer service in which I used to engage. If you’ve been in restaurants, you remember the people who would come in late at night and then…just sit there. Until well after closing. And they would not take the hints: turning off the music, putting chairs on the tables, running the vacuum. They’d sit and they’d sit and they’d sit, and they wouldn’t be the least bit apologetic when they left, either. Well, I had my own way of dealing with that: I cranked the air conditioning in the dining room. This actually tended to work pretty well, especially if the squatters were middle-aged or older; folks like that hate being cold, and when the air duct is blowing right on them (we had an, ahem, “unspoken” policy of seating very-late customers beneath the AC vents), their squatting became a lot less enjoyable. And they never complained! They didn’t catch on! The most any of them ever said was, “Wow, it’s cold in here without the ovens on!” Yeah, that’s it. So I offer that tip to you, O Weary Restaurant Workers Of The World: A cold dining room is quickly an empty dining room.

I remember those four years with a mixture of angst for time I really could have put to better use, but also with a certain bit of wistful remembrance. They weren’t bad years…but if given the opportunity to trade those years for different ones, well…I’d have to ask what you’re offering, is all.

Here’s the old post.

One mildly unremarkable news story that happened in Western New York during the period when I was on extended blogging hiatus [I took about three months off from blogging in late summer and early fall of ’08.] was the closing throughout the region of a whole bunch of Pizza Hut locations, including the one where I started working back in May of 1994. There’s nothing much remarkable about this; suburban Buffalo is blessed with an abundance of former Pizza Huts that are now dentist’s offices, early education places, Chinese takeouts, and so on. I’ve avoided talking much about those years in my professional life, but now, since the restaurant where I started isn’t even open anymore and since I left Pizza Hut’s employ in May of 1998, more than ten years ago, I figure it’s safe to describe what it was like back then.

In May of 1994 I really needed a job, since the part-time gig I had at St. Bonaventure University was no longer available. Luckily, I had a connection with the local Pizza Hut (hereafter, ‘PH’) management team, in the person of the girl I was dating at the time. (I’d later marry that girl, so no hard feelings that through her I ended up working at PH.) Long tale shortened, she put in a good word for me, which in addition to my Mad Job Interview Skillz, got me hired as a cook. At that time, the city of Olean, NY had two PH locations. Since I was dating one of the managers at one, I ended up at the other. Thus it began.

Olean’s remaining PH location is in the “main business district”, which basically means it’s in “downtown” Olean. The other one was in a fairly sleepy location (at the time), and it was a much smaller, and older, facility. I’m not sure how old it was, but it was old. I’d gone to that PH as a teenager, eight or nine years earlier, with fellow members of the concert band after school concerts. In the time I lived in that town – and we moved there in 1981 – I don’t ever remember a PH not being at that spot. The place was ancient, with extremely tight quarters in the “back of the house”. When I started, there wasn’t even a mechanical dishwasher; all dishes were washed by hand. This was, you may surmise, less than fun. That PH location finally got a dishwasher a few years later, after I had moved to the other location in town.

One funny little quirk of the place was that the big drain in the middle of the parking lot wasn’t actually connected to the city’s storm drainage system, so that when we got a big rain, the lot would invariably flood. This went on for years, with the company paying some local outfit to come out with some long hose and a pump to send the water into the storm drains proper, which were just past the entrance to the parking lot. Three years would go by before the company would finally authorize the work to actually connect the lot drain to the city drains. I have no idea how much the guy made who came out to pump the lot before that happened, but I’ll bet it was a lot.

This drainage problem led, on one memorable occasion, to a moment of high comedy when my manager became convinced that the problem was that a pizza box had lodged over the drain cover, thus preventing the water from going down. He set out to remove the phantom pizza box. The problem was that the lot was heavily puckered toward that drain, so the water quickly reached a depth of more than a foot. Manager guy (whose name I don’t even recall anymore) decided that rather than get wet, he’d walk out there in two mop buckets, one foot in each one. Unfortunately for him, Manager Guy was also a small, not-very-heavy guy, so when he moved himself – standing in his two mop buckets – far enough out into the lot, the buckets actually started to float. I’m not sure how he managed to extricate himself from that situation without falling and completely dousing himself, but watching him float in two mop buckets in the middle of our parking lot was fairly surreal.

At the time, PH had a menu item called a “Neapolitan pizza”. This was one of their takes, over the years, on the foldable New York City-style crust. It was actually a decent pizza, but it went off the menu shortly after I was hired, so that was that. But we had one regular customer who was quite the pain in the arse, and he always ordered a Neapolitan. He was a cranky old guy who looked the part: old jeans and t-shirt, ball cap with the mesh back that he just kind-of perched on top of his head, and a permanent expression that made quite clear that he remembers how hard things were back in the day. Anyway, this guy would order his Neapolitan with pepperoni, and then he’d stand at the counter staring at you the entire time. Since I would always be working the “cut table” – the spot where pizzas come out of the oven, and are then cut for either boxing or placed on peels or in their pan for dine-in – he’d be staring hard at me. And then, as he realized his time was nearing, he’d start yelling at me: “Don’t burn my pizza!” He’d order me to pull the bloody thing from the oven the second I could reach in there and grab it, and I’d indulge him just to get him the hell out of there. The problem there is that pulling a pizza from a conveyor-belt oven before it’s completely exited results in underbaked pizza, but that was fine by this guy; he wanted his pizza to be somewhere between “yellow” and “perfect golden brown”. The other problem was that on an underbaked pizza, the cheese and toppings will slide all over the place, a problem which I’m sure this guy had because he would invariably tilt the pizza box way up to a 45-degree angle on his way out the door, which had to result in all of his toppings sliding to one side. And yet, every week, there he was.

Anyway, I started by learning how to make pizza the PH way. I have to be honest here, folks: I know that a lot of people think that PH is basically the lowest form of pizza that exists, but I’ve never had a problem with the PH product itself, as long as it’s made correctly. I really think they’ve got some good food there, at least as good as any corporately-developed product can be. (Well, not always. They did have some misfires while I was there. Their take on stromboli, called simply “Boli”, weren’t anything to write home about; neither was the “Tripledecker”, a pie that came with two thin crusts, between which was sandwiched a layer of cheese, with the sauce, regular cheese, and toppings above the upper crust. That thing was a major pain to make, you could feel your arteries hardening while you ate the thing – and that’s not even bringing up the twist they introduced on the Tripledecker, the “Tripledeckeroni”, which put a layer of pepperoni on top of the cheese that was inside the two crusts. Oy. As for the Boli, it wasn’t very popular at all, but that’s probably because they rolled that thing out at the same time they offered a special all-summer-long promotion called “Pizza and More”, which meant that if you dined in and ordered anything over and above a medium with cheese, you got unlimited salad bar, breadsticks, and dessert pizza. This thing was a nightmare.)

While I worked for PH, the method of pizza making changed not once but three times. One method involved color-coded cups to measure out the ingredients, which were then layered on the pizza in a specific order; another eschewed layering in favor of tossing it all, cheese and all, into a mixing bowl and then spreading that all over the pie. I have no idea how they do it now, but I thought the system they had when I left was pretty good. That was when they switched from canned veggies to fresh ones, which is probably when I realized that while canned mushrooms taste like rubbery shit, fresh mushrooms are a gift from Heaven.

Anyhow, that little PH is closed now, leaving just one in Olean. That surprises me, a little, although Olean’s probably like every other town in Upstate NY, with population slowly leaking away. However, a year or two after I was hired, the end of town where that tiny PH was located became much busier with the additions of a new Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Staples, Home Depot, a new movie theater, and so on. That the place has now closed interests me, since in terms of location, it was in a pretty good spot.

I haven’t set foot in those restaurants in nearly ten years, so I have no idea if any of the people I worked with are still there. About six months into my PH career, the manager there (the skipper of the USS Mop Buckets) left to pursue other opportunities, so The Girlfriend was promoted to the job of manager. This meant that I had to transfer to the other, larger restaurant, which was also a lot busier. That was when I started training to become a shift manager, which felt like a big deal at the time. Of course, PH isn’t a place that showers money on its workers, and when I eventually left PH, it was for another company that starts its dishwashers at a higher wage than what I was making at PH to run the place in the boss’s stead.

But I digress. What else do I remember from my years at The Hut? Well:

I remember the craziness on every other Thursday night, because that was when the biweekly “coupon drops” hit the newspaper. Our business was heavily spiked by the coupons that ran in the paper every other week…except one week, when we all stood around at 5:00 waiting for the phone to ring. Eventually it did, when the little old lady whose phone number had been misprinted in the ad as being our phone number finally called us to see why on Earth everybody in town was calling her to order pizza. Oops.

I remember the cook who’d been with PH forever when I got hired. He lived right around the corner in a trailer park, and he had a monster crush on his next door neighbor, the “Neighbor Lady”, as he called her when he talked about her, which was often. I’ve wondered what became of that guy, whether he was still there, and whether he had to find a way to get to the PH across town. He didn’t have a car at the time, and I don’t know if he even drove.

I remember a delivery driver whose forehead broke into a massive rash when he wore our ballcaps. I’ve never seen anything like that, before or since. He came to me and said, “Dude, I can’t wear this hat. Look.” He had this giant crimson stripe running right across his forehead. It was amazing to behold. There was another delivery driver who was a really bad employee; he just had trouble showing up for work, and when he was finally shown the door by management, he actually asked, “Can I go work at the other PH now?” There was a very sweet driver who was an evangelical Christian, and yet she had a pretty good sense of humor, especially with regards to the fairly salty humor the rest of us tended to display, and another evangelical Christian driver who refused to run a delivery to the local sex-toy shop when they placed an order. Drivers were a fun lot to have around, even if we were always short on them. It got quite maddening to hire a good driver, only to have them come to us a month later and tell us they needed to quit because of the wear and tear on their cars. What did they expect?

I remember working the first night that the company started running advertising on teevee for the newest thing, our “Stuffed Crust” pizza. We got absolutely killed that entire weekend. Cheese in the crust? That was a home run of an idea. What I remember most from that first night the ads ran was a family who let their snotty twelve-year old son place their order; he was such a little shit on the phone with me that his mother called us back to apologize and confirm that we hadn’t tossed their order.

Prank orders were fun, too. Strangely, fake delivery orders rarely happened. There were some kids who once a month tried having ten pizzas sent someplace; I always just took the order and then ignored it. The more annoying thing was when people would place a carry-out order at my PH, and then show up at the other one to pick it up, or vice versa. The phone numbers were completely different.

Lunch buffet was usually a fun ninety minutes; we had a pretty cool crowd that included some local teachers who were all really nice people. The bad days for buffet were when there was a half-day of school, because we were walking distance from the middle school. In my experience, unsupervised middle school kids are the worst behaved of all childhood age groups. Those days were nightmarish. On one such day we knew we were going to get crushed, so I called in extra help: this old lady whom we’d hired to do nothing but carry pizzas out to the buffet. She said she’d be right in…and promptly went to her other job, at a local department store, thinking it was them and not us who’d called her in. Oy.

I remember having to call the fire department when one of our inset light fixtures in the building blew. They brought over three fire trucks for this, even though we were literally right next door to the fire department. I mean, right next door. As in, you had our building, the parking lot, and then the fire hall. I never complained about feeding those guys cheap again. (We gave then a fifty percent discount at the time.)

I remember people who genuinely didn’t understand why they could call us from ten miles outside of our delivery area and expect our drivers to go to some dark parking lot just inside the delivery area and wait to make the exchange. I also remember people who would get indignant when we had a monster snow storm and we had to shut down delivery service for the night. Funniest were the Canadians who would call us for delivery to the Holiday Valley ski clubs in Ellicottville, which is twenty-five miles from Olean. One funny Canadian once said to me, when I explained that we didn’t deliver at such distances, “Wouldn’t you think a ski town like this would have a pizza delivery joint?” He had a fair point. I wonder if Ellicottville ever got its own pizza delivery joint?

I remember the guy who called our 1-800 number to bitch because we were closed early; our posted hours were until 10:00, and he was pissed we were closed when he showed up at 9:15. Why did we close? Because half the town, including us, was out of power when a drunk drove his car into a transformer. We were without power for more than three hours starting around dinner time. The guy who complained wasn’t about to concede anything to us, not even on the point that had we opened right then and let him in, we wouldn’t have been able to cook anything for him. None of that mattered, though; he was going to get his complaint in.

Great customers? We had ’em, people whose faces and, in a few cases, even names I still remember. There was the older couple who came in each and every Tuesday night around 8:30 to share a medium Supreme, and there was the lady with the incredibly bubbly and infectious smile who came in every other Thursday for a large pepperoni. We also had a very picky elderly woman who would come in for an order of breadsticks and a Diet Pepsi, but she was such a stickler for freshness that she insisted on physically witnessing the cutting of the sticks and the pouring of the Pepsi. One night I saw her walking in the door, so that’s when I cut her breadsticks, just so I could hand her the box at the exact moment she arrived at the pickup window. She shook her head and said, “I’ll wait for the next pan.” Okey-dokey…this went on once or twice a week for months until one day she comes in and says to the other shift manager, “You guys always take good care of me, so I’d like to do something nice. How about tickets to a Sabres or Bills game?” It turned out that she was the wife of John Rigas, then-owner of the Sabres and also then-not-yet-convicted for fraud. So it was because of her that I got to watch a Bills game from the comfy confines of the former Adelphia Cable luxury suite. (The Bills lost. It was the Todd Collins era.)

Of course, there were also the not so good customers. For the first year and a half I worked there, we had lunch buffet on Sundays, which was a colossal pain in the arse, as it lasted two hours (as opposed to the ninety minute weekday buffet) and being Sunday there wasn’t much “lunch hour” business, so tables turned much more slowly. We’d fill up with church families, most of whom were all very nice, but there was one family that would insist that their two daughters were both under twelve years old, so as to get the lower price. This despite the fact that I could observe one of the girls driving, and that both were, shall we say, richly endowed for eleven year olds. I was always amazed that this family thought nothing of leaving church on a Sunday and making it their first order of business to come to PH and bear false witness in order to save a few bucks.

Sometimes we’d host childrens’ birthday parties. Servers hated these because they required much more intensive attention to the party, which meant that they couldn’t take many other tables while the party was there, usually resulting in lower tips. Once a party came in and took up a server for two hours, during which she did nothing but wait on that party. They left no tip at all. Our menus at the time stated a policy of charging automatic gratuities on parties of eight or more people, but upper levels of management directed us not to enforce this policy. I have never understood this; I have never yet met a server who dispute my view that large parties tend to tip less.

My coworkers were, for the most part, all nice people, with the occasional dud. I’ve often wondered what became of more than a few of them. I attended a couple of weddings for coworkers, and a bunch of them attended mine. A Friday morning ritual for several years was to breathlessly discuss the events on the previous night’s episode of ER (this was when the show was fresh, new and good.) Oddly the Bills were never much a topic of discussion, but one guy I worked with was ecstatic when the Yankees won their first of several World Series, in 1996. Back then cell phones were new and only three or four employees had them; I was talking about movies with another employee when he asked me, “Hey, at the bottom of all the movie posters these days, what’s all that stuff that says ‘HTTP’, colon, backslash backslash”? One guy came along who was a terrific geek, and we merrily discussed Star Wars (the Prequels were just rumored at that point) and The X-Files and such, until he left a few months later. I think he became a teacher eventually. Good on him; he’d have been a good one.

For a while, all the PH locations west of Syracuse were in one big division, but apparently there weren’t enough area directors right then, so for a while, each area director was responsible for seventeen or eighteen restaurants. So when ours showed up for his monthly visit to go over numbers, he brought in all of his paperwork in a giant binder on our restaurant, sat down with my manager, and…discovered that he’d brought the books for the wrong restaurant. That was pretty funny. I was highly intimidated by that guy, for some reason. Ever since then, I’ve wondered why. He was, after all, just a guy.

Gradually, the Upstate New York market got chipped up as the company sold off certain markets to franchise operators. For the time I worked for PH, our restaurants were company-owned, but it wasn’t long after I left that all of the WNY PH locations became franchise-operated as well. Since then, I’ve seen ads on teevee for lots of new products they’ve come out with: another attempt at a New York City crust called the “Big New Yorker”; a calzone thing apparently called a “P-Zone”; baked pasta dishes that come in big foil pans; other versions of bread sticks, and so on. I’ve never had any of these, although that P-Zone thing looks pretty lethal.

It was interesting to work at PH during the 1990s, when all kinds of new casual-dining restaurants, each with its own “concept”, were coming along. Shortly after I started, PH acquired a chain of sub sandwich from New England called D’Angelo’s, and they then started to roll these out into Western New York, mainly in the Buffalo area. I liked the D’Angelo subs a good deal, but that “concept” didn’t last long, and within three years, I think, all of the PH-D’Angelo restaurants had either switched to PH’s alone, or had closed altogether.

Interestingly, we didn’t spend a lot of time worrying about Domino’s or Little Caesar’s. (Probably with good reason, since I haven’t seen a Little Caesar’s in years and I have no idea where the closest Dominos to me is, either.) The big competitors we always had to worry about, or were always told to worry about, were Fazoli’s and Papa John’s. Fazoli’s was a chain of Italian fast-food eateries, like Sbarro but without the pizza. One of these opened up in Olean, right across the street from my first PH (the smaller one), right about the same time that all that other retail showed up on that end of town. It was, naturally, a really popular place for a while, and then…it wasn’t. Fazoli’s closed down in Olean after less than three years, if memory serves, and there isn’t a single one left, that I know of, anywhere in Buffalo. As for Papa John’s, we were constantly on the lookout for the major push into the Buffalo and Rochester market that they were certainly gearing up for. That major push never came. I never even saw a Papa John’s until we moved to Syracuse in 2002, when we tried it for the first time. We liked it, but the place shut down two or three months after we moved there. So much for Papa John’s.

Today, PH still exists in this area, although their footprint is even smaller than it once was. When I worked there, I attended a meeting once that was led by our “Ops Director” (two levels of management above store manager), and he told us in a spiel about business planning that the Buffalo market is hard for national pizza chains because in this city, nearly every street corner has a mom-and-pop pizza place on it. That much is certainly true. I know, off the top of my head, of six pizza joints (Nino’s, Capelli’s, Papa Geno’s, Pizza4U, Roz’s, and Ricotta Pizza) within a mile of my apartment, and we live out in the ‘burbs. My nearest PH is five or six miles distant. There is a PH about fifteen minutes away that apparently has some kind of “Italian Bistro” theme going on, and another that’s about a twenty minute drive away (fairly close as the bird flies, but impossible to get to without traversing heavily-trafficked suburban streets) that calls itself “Wing Street”. (I have zero idea what that means, outside of my supposition that it involves chicken wings in some way.)

So, that’s what it was generally like to work at PH for four years in the 1990s. It wasn’t a great job and it didn’t lead me to any particularly fantastic heights, but I did have a lot of fun and learn some stuff about working for a living. Not a bad use of four years when I didn’t much know what I wanted out of life.

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President Carter

I’m sure we all know by now that former President Jimmy Carter is accepting hospice care, rather than continuing to seek treatment for various health issues. Carter is 98 years old; he was elected President over 46 years ago, and he left office over 42 years ago. Carter’s presidency did not go smoothly, but his post-Presidency has been amazing to behold as he has tirelessly championed democracy and other humanitarian causes for decades since leaving office. I expect the historical verdict on Jimmy Carter will likely remain some variant of “Not a great President, but a great man nonetheless.”

Jimmy Carter is the first political figure of whom I was genuinely aware, although admittedly with a very immature understanding of anything at all. I remember hearing about him from my kindergarten teacher and thinking “A peanut farmer wants to be President! Cool!” I had no idea what a “President” was; I vaguely recall asking one of my parents that very question, and getting a response that “He’s the boss for the whole country.” I pictured someone like my school’s principal, going all over the country telling people what to do.

President Carter also angered me as a young sci-fi geek when he chose the evening of ABC’s broadcast of the premiere episode of Battlestar Galactica for the signing of the Camp David Accords. I mean, when you’re a kid sitting down to watch a highly-hyped teevee show with explodey-spaceshippy goodness, nothing throws you into a state of infuriation quite like the screen going dark and suddenly the words “ABC NEWS SPECIAL REPORT” coming on. I’ve made my peace with this more recently, though. (“Harumph,” though, says my inner 7-year-old.)

All was forgiven, though, just a couple of weeks later. At this time we were living for a year in Elkins, WV, and the town’s annual festival, the Mountain State Forest Festival, was coming right up, in early October. That year we learned that President Carter himself was coming to Elkins to walk in the parade. We were in the stands along the main street that day, and finally, after what felt like hours (it might have actually been hours), the parade began, and suddenly, there he was: the President of the United States himself, walking in the street and waving, beaming that famous smile of his. Then he climbed into his limousine and I thought “That’s it?” But up he popped from the sun roof, waving some more. Not long after he was gone. I actually found the President’s briefing book from that day–apparently he gave a campaign speech that morning for one of WV’s senators, before driving in the parade–and by late afternoon, he was back at Camp David. I also found these two photos from that day:

Looking at this, I can’t believe how close those spectators were allowed to get to the President!

Not sure if the guy in the tan overcoat is a Secret Service guy or not; he kind of looks like Hamilton Jordan, President Carter’s White House Chief of Staff.

To this day, President Carter remains the only US President I have ever actually seen. The closest I’ve come since? A campaign rally in Erie for Michael Dukakis in 1988, and a couple of times when Presidents Bush the Younger and Obama flew into Buffalo, and I saw Air Force One from the parking lot of The Store.

Anyway, best wishes to President Carter as he begins this journey with as much grace as he seems to have pursued all of his previous journeys.

 

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