Thank God the pan does a dozen of ’em….

I’ve just spent over three hours baking cupcakes for The Daughter. She gets to take them into her school tomorrow to celebrate her birthday (she’ll be seven!), but she wants to take both chocolate and vanilla ones since some kids don’t dig chocolate, and she wants to take enough to not only distribute to her class but also to her teacher this year, her teacher last year, her principal, her gym teacher, her bus driver, her music teacher, and who knows, maybe even the custodian.

So I dug out recipes for devil’s food cake and for plain white cake, whipped up a batch of each batter, and then doled them into the cupcake wrappers for baking. However, we only own one cupcake/muffin pan, and it only has a dozen “spots”. And each batch of batter turns out to yield 24 cupcakes. Plus it takes half an hour to bake them. Factor in the cleaning of the mixing bowls and measuring utensils before and after each batch, plus the general slow-down in the procedure because The Daughter wanted to help (thus turning the whole job into a lesson in Baking 101), and we’re over three hours in doing this job.

Oh, yeah, it’s a very hot day and I’ve been running a 350-degree oven for three hours. Thank God for the central air.

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Back in my day, we had this thing called Geocities and it was good and we LIKED it!

I’ve launched one of those MySpace things, here. No real need to bookmark it or check in on it on a regular basis, as my main action on the Interweb will still be right here. It’s mainly there to direct people who search for me there to come over here. Because I’m sure that I’ve got thousands of people searching for me who can’t find me. Yup. I’m both popular and obscure! Take that, Gossamer!

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Grrrrr….

OK. Last week I had to replace my Norelco shaver. Not a big deal, that, but it was still thirty bucks I didn’t care to spend at that moment. (Or rather, something on which I didn’t want to spend that thirty bucks.)

And recently, the computer’s been acting highly flakey, locking up at random intervals with no warning, necessitating a cold boot by turning the power off via the surge protector and then back on again. However, last time this happened, the subsequent reboot actually brought up a message screen reading “The system has recovered from a serious error”, and when I clicked through for details, the resulting screen informed me that the culprit was something in the AOL software that was conflicting with…something else. So I followed a few more links to a downloadable AOL fix, which I then applied. Much knocking of wood, of course, but that was three days ago and I haven’t locked up since. We’ll see. Maybe I can keep the computer functioning until wintertime, and then upgrade for a new one.

But then, yesterday, something went awry with the digital camera. Damn it all to hell! It turned on nice and normal, but then the zoom caused something to go haywire inside, and now the viewfinder is stuck out of focus and the lens casing no longer moves in and out of the camera casing upon turning it on or off. Arrgghhhh! I’ve e-mailed the Olympus people about a repair estimate, but I’d really rather not have to buy a whole new camera. Yes, we still have our old 35mm film camera which works fine, but we’ve become spoiled by the digital one. So, depending on the price of the repair, I may just get a new digital camera. Looking at prices, I note that for not a whole lot more money than I paid for this one two years ago, I can get twice the resolution, which would be nice. My one real sticking point is that I insist on having optical zoom, because digital zoom just isn’t the same. But anywhere, there would go another $150.00 or so — and when I bought the first camera, it was a planned expenditure and I saved up for it.

So maybe we’ll just revert to film for a while until I can set aside enough to make the new digital camera worth it. But it’s still annoying.

My point? Hell, I don’t know. I’m just ramblin’. A guy’s gotta ramble once in a while, you know.

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But if you poke him with a needle made of Kryptonite….

Lots of young kids, at one point or another, get a costume — probably for Halloween — of their favorite superhero. While it’s fun to play pretend when so attired, there’s the inevitable smashup of make-believe and reality when the little tykes realize that just putting on a replica of Superman’s blue suit doesn’t make one’s muscles fill it out the way Superman’s do.

Well, an enterprising toymaker has finally hit upon the solution to this problem: it’s a Superman costume that comes with a battery-operated air pump that inflates the suit, so all of a sudden little seven-year-old Billy will have these gigantic, Man o’ Steel-style bulging pecs, abs, deltoids, and biceps!

And of course, we can never start too early in showing young kids what blow-up dolls are all about. As Lex Luthor might say, Heh heh heh….

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I give it 98 cheers, actually

I watched the AFI’s latest subjective trek through movie history last night. This year is was the “One Hundred Most Inspirational Movies”, called One Hundred Years, One Hundred Cheers. You can read their rankings here. I continue to find these annual specials inspired; they’re clearly not meant to be taken seriously as rankings but rather as commercials for movies that are older than whatever’s on the “New Releases” section at Blockbuster.

So some random quibbles, in the spirit of not taking the thing too seriously:

:: Sorry, I don’t find Saving Private Ryan, Gone With the Wind, or It’s A Wonderful Life particularly inspirational at all. In fact, I think that all three are stunningly overrated. I’ve never understood the classic status afforded to any of these films.

:: I can never remember if these lists are geared toward specifically American films, so that would partially explain it, but I find the Lord of the Rings films to be one inspiration after another — especially Samwise Gamgee’s two great moments (his wonderful speech at the end of The Two Towers, and when he picks up Frodo whilst climbing Mount Doom — “I can’t carry it [the Ring] for you…but I can carry you!”).

:: I know, I know. I said I’m not taking this too seriously. And I’m really not. Really.

So why in the hell is The Shawshank Redemption only 23rd???

:: What the hell does the AFI have against Cameron Crowe, anyway? They left Say Anything… off their list of the 100 most romantic movies, and I would have included either Jerry Maguire or Almost Famous on the “100 Cheers” list. (Elizabethtown, not so much. I liked that movie, but damn, did Crowe flirt with utter disaster all through that thing….)

:: Yup, there’s Dead Poets Society, which ends with the most falsely-uplifting gesture in movie history. And yet, Mel Gibson’s far superior film on a similar theme, The Man Without a Face, languishes in relative obscurity.

:: Superman. My Fair Lady. Witness. The American President. Contact. I could go on.

:: Two of the top ten feature scores by John Williams. Cool.

Lynn Sislo also comments.

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Buzz? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Alan already made fun of it, but I can’t let today’s Buffalo News “Buzz” column by Mary Kunz Goldman go by without noting what may just be the worst single paragraph I’ve ever read in a professional publication:

Foolishly optimistic, Buzz recently approached a Metro Rail ticket machine with our round-trip fare already counted out in quarters. The machine spit back four of five quarters before we gave up and began fishing for dollar bills. Our first single came back. We fed in another. Helpless, we heard a train clattering past below. The second single came back. We were getting nowhere fast! Almost as fast as a group of about 50 eighth-graders spotted at the Allen Street station, arguing about the fare. “It’s free!” some were insisting. “It’s not free!” others yelled. Finally a guy walked over and told them yes, you had to pay. And they were shepherded out, still squalling, “It’s free!” “It’s not free!” “It’s free!” Ah, life’s hard lessons.

Usually when we make fun of Goldman, it’s on the grounds that her tone is usually insufferably peppy and her subject matter usually insufferably trite. But here’s a graf that’s just plain bad, bad, bad bad bad bad writing, from the prepositional mashup of “a train clattering past below” to the hairpin turn from one whine (the ticket machine’s bill accepter) to the next (a bunch of kids). Do the editors at the News not understand why they have a coffee cup full of blue pencils on their desks?

And really, “life’s hard lessons”? What hard lessons? Sometimes the bill acceptor won’t take your dollar? Kids tend to not know shit about stuff?

Bad writer. Very bad writer. Abysmal writer. In the words of Professor Henry Higgins (via Alan Jay Lerner): “By right, she should be taken out and hung, for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!”

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Who’s bringing the beer?

Jennifer posts again about the upcoming Buffalo Blogger Con, to be held at Chestnut Ridge Park on Saturday, July 15, 2006. It’s a “bring-a-dish-to-pass” kind of thing, but I’m not sure if anyone’s supposed to bring charcoal or anything like that to do hot dogs or burgers or whatnot. (Which makes me think that this might be a good place for me to use those two pounds or so of Polish sausage I have in my freezer; I’d be happy to thaw it out and bring it up to the Ridge if anyone desires.)

So, Buffalo Bloggers, head on over to Jen’s and leave a comment updating your status on attendance. I’ve already volunteered to bring plates, cups, napkins and utensils. And mega-kudos to LCScotty, who has ponied up the cash to reserve a shelter or pavilion for our use that day. Erie County thanks you for your money, Scott! I’m sure Giambra will spend it wisely!

(Oh, and Northtowners, getting to Chestnut Ridge isn’t that big a deal. Just take I-90 West to where the 219 splits off, then go to the Armor-Duells exit. When off the 219, turn right and go down to the next light; turn right again and proceed directly to the Ridge. Once you’re on the I-90, it’s pretty much four lanes all the way to the Ridge. It’s really no harder to get to than the County Fairgrounds or Ralph Wilson Stadium, so don’t let the distance to Orchard Park be a factor!)

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Passages

Via Jason Bennion I see that Tim Hildebrandt, one of the famed Brothers Hildebrandt, has died.

That’s sad news. The Hildebrandts have been big names in the fantasy art for decades, and their most famous work is practically iconic: their poster for Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. (I wrote a bit about this poster here.)

I read an interview with the Hildebrandts years ago — in Starlog, if I recall correctly — in which they came off as, well, happy hippie types. They spoke of a very strong artistic bond that existed between them, to the point where one would rest from working on a painting while the other simply picked up right where the other had left off. They also wrote a book, if I remember correctly, called Urshurak. I suppose I should track down a copy one of these days. It always looked pleasantly pulpy.

My own artistic tastes in fantasy tend toward people like Alan Lee, but I’ve long admired the work of the Hildebrandts.

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Thank you, come again!

A few days ago I saw this post by Michael Blowhard, in which Michael briefly describes his efforts to cancel an AOL account he no longer wants. (He even provides a key phone number, 1-800-827-6364, which is apparently the key number to call for such business (as well as a very hard number to find, in any case).

And then today, via BuffaloGeek, I see this post on a different blog on the same subject, that goes Michael Blowhard one better: this guy actually recorded his call to the AOL operator. It’s pretty breathtaking; go give it a listen, and note how at the point when Our Hero becomes exasperated enough to simply interrupt the operator repeatedly (“Cancel. The. Account. Cancel! The! Account!”), the call is only little more than halfway over.

Now, this particular operator most certainly does go way over the line in dealing with a customer — we can all agree on that — but what interests me isn’t so much that this call shows how far customer service has fallen in today’s business world, but rather what today’s business world thinks customer service is.

For companies, it boils down to one simple rule: Service equals sales. Seriously, that’s how companies view service today. Customer service is indistinguishable from sales, and every interaction with the customer is to be approached as an opportunity to sell.

I saw this both when I was in the restaurant business and in the telesales industry. Training materials always focused on sales, and they always couched sales as part of service. That’s why you can’t make a call to a customer service hotline, to any company, without hearing a sales pitch: the business people now equate sales with service.

When I worked at Pizza Hut, it was as simple as the “second pizza pricing” thing we always had. At the time, a second medium pizza on an order always cost $5.00, and a second large pizza cost $7.00. And when we were trained to make those offers, it was always presented as performing customer service, and not as sales: “If a customer orders a medium pepperoni, maybe they’d really like another one for just five bucks more! And if they don’t know we offer that, by informing them — i.e., by making a sales pitch — we are providing them a service!” A fundamental aspect of the sales culture in American business is the idea that customers never really know what they want.

Funny thing was, at Pizza Hut, sometimes I’d put a spin on it. The regular price for a one-topping medium pizza at the time was $8.99, so if someone would call us up and ask, “What specials do you have tonight?”, I might say, “Right now we’re offering two medium one-topping pizzas for $13.99.” See, it gets that second pizza for five bucks in there without suggestive-selling it, and it very often worked. But occasionally our phone calls were monitored by corporate for “quality assurance purposes”, and invariably they’d be miffed that I didn’t directly offer the second pizza for five bucks. Of course, I did offer it, in a different way — and in fact, I did it in a better way, because my way was a perfect example of what salesfolk call “assuming the sale”.

The AOL-cancellation thing is a special case. If you look in just about any book on basic sales skills (and in all sincerity, this book is pretty good, if you’re looking for that sort of thing), you’ll find a chapter or two devoted to “overcoming objections”. This is where the “pushiness” of sales people comes from. The tactics salespeople use to overcome objections are intended to push people from the “I’m not buying” or the “I’d like to think it over” positions to signing the dotted line. So you see what the approach is that AOL takes to people wanting to cancel: they are viewing these calls not as instances in which they need to do what the customer is telling them they need, but as sales calls with the objections already predetermined. But the fundamental assumption is still there: that this customer service call can be transmogrified into a sales call.

Of course, this isn’t a defense in any way of the behavior of this particular operator. He starts off OK, but when he looks up the customer’s account usage history, he immediately takes a combative tone, from which he never recovers. How should he have gone about this, from the company’s POV? Something like this:

REP: Hmmm…I’m showing 70 hours last month used on this account. Are you the only one using it?

OUR HERO: Yes, and I don’t use it. Maybe that’s AIM usage.

REP: That’s probably it. Have you had any problems with the AOL software?

OUR HERO: No. I just don’t want to have the account anymore.

REP: OK. I’d just hate to lose your business if it’s a tech issue we could solve on our end, you know? If you prefer, sir, we do have several pricing plans that are cheaper than your current one, with fewer features available, if you wish. Would you like to step down to a cheaper, basic plan?

OUR HERO: No. I just want to cancel AOL entirely.

REP: OK. I’m sorry to hear that, but I’ll process your cancellation right now. I’d just like you to know that as a courtesy to our long-term customers, your AOL e-mail address will remain available to you, through AOL.com, at no expense to you at all, although you will no longer have unlimited storage space for e-mail purposes. You should receive a message at that address within twenty-four hours. Thank you for your business, and I hope AOL can serve you again in the future.

OUR HERO: Thanks.

Given the company’s assumption that service equals sales, that’s how it should have been done. Attempts are made to overcome objections, a pitch is made to keep the customer active, and then at the customer’s insistence otherwise the rep closes out the call in a way that at least won’t leave the customer angry.

However, even that isn’t what we, the customers, think of when we consider the idea of “customer service”, is it? That call would have gone something like this:

OUR HERO: I want to cancel my AOL account.

REP: OK, sir. Name?

OUR HERO: Bob Falfa.

REP: OK. Last four digits of the credit card you pay this account with?

OUR HERO: 0000.

REP: [clicks mouse] OK. You’re done. Thanks for using AOL, Mr. Falfa.[click]

That sounds great, but it won’t really happen anytime soon. Today, service equals sales, and “service” is the quoted reason behind every annoying business habit today, from AOL’s cancellation maze to Toys-r-Us asking for my home phone number when I go in to buy The Daughter a box of Legos.

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