Mathematicians want to dethrone pi. I hate this idea. First they took Pluto, and now they want pi? What’s next? Some half-baked notion that humans and apes come from common ancestors? Suck it, Science!
Something for Thursday
In honor of the 100th birthday of film composer Bernard Herrmann, here are a few selections. First, the Love Music from Vertigo:
The theme from North by Northwest:
For the Fallen (a wartime elegy):
Herrmann was one of the very greatest of all film composers, and his legacy stands proud more than thirty years after his death.
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War Horse
Steven Spielberg has a movie coming out this winter that I didn’t even know existed until just this morning. Here’s the trailer for War Horse:
This screams out “Movie that will have me crying like a little girl at the end”.
(It also strikes me as odd that, when I watched the trailer on YouTube, it was preceded by an advertisement that is…a trailer for another movie. I have to watch a trailer before get to watch a trailer? Really?)
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I’ll take “People You Wouldn’t Want To Hang Out With” for $500, Alex
Amherst police may think they’ve seen everything, but they’ve now arrested a 68-year-old woman accused of trying to stop someone from performing the Heimlich maneuver on a man in a crowded Niagara Falls Boulevard restaurant.
The incident occurred June 18, a Saturday night, when a 43-year-old man was choking and someone began to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him.
“Leave him alone. Let him die,” the woman reportedly yelled out, according to police reports.
She then allegedly tried to grab the phone from a restaurant employee who was calling 911, police said.
Unfortunately, her plans were thwarted; the guy was fine by the time EMTs showed up.
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A Random Wednesday Conversation Starter
Bucky T. Katt?
I can see why they love her….
“A pirate’s life for me!”
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is, to hear most folks tell it, not a very good movie at all. Most reaction I’ve seen has ranged from tepid to outright negative, but then, I’ve seen very little reaction to this movie from people who didn’t hate Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. I’ve almost got the impression that folks are teeing off on On Stranger Tides because they didn’t get enough chance to talk about how much they hated those two films as well, but never mind that.
I thought On Stranger Tides was terrific. I enjoyed the living hell out of it, and I’ve been trying to figure out why my reaction to the film is so different from everyone else’s. I suppose a big part of it is simply that I love these characters sufficiently that I’m more willing to go where they take me than others. I further suppose it’s partly because I don’t really see these movies as telling any kind of ongoing story, and certainly not the ongoing story of Jack Sp–Captain Jack Sparrow. I don’t think that Jack Sparrow has an ongoing story.
This is contra, for example, Michael May, whose thoughts I deeply respect, but who was disappointed in the film:
The movie is very silly and cartoony, but that might have been forgivable had it actually done what it was supposed to do: continue the story of Captain Jack Sparrow. When last we left Jack, he’d become a kinder pirate and we do see that reflected in On Stranger Tides. But that’s what he grew into in the last trilogy. For his story to be worth continuing, he needs to go somewhere new.
The journey promised by At World’s End is Jack’s quest for immortality. He died in Dead Man’s Chest and was terrified of repeating the experience. It drove everything he did in At World’s End and made sense of his quest for the Fountain of Youth. But as Stranger Tides opens, Jack’s pretty much given up the quest and has to be pulled back into it. There’s no personal urgency to his finding it. Instead, he fills a role much like he did in the original trilogy: running around making things more interesting for the characters who actually have story arcs.
See…I’m not sure that’s right. I don’t think that Jack was terrified of death (beyond a normal sense of self-preservation). What’s always motivated Jack has never been immortality; if he wanted that, he could have pocketed a coin from the Aztec treasure at the end of Curse of the Black Pearl and enjoyed his immortality that way. Of course, the movie established that that kind of immortality sucked, but then, he was hip to try to take Davy Jones’s place as Captain of the Flying Dutchman. Why was this? He’d be immortal, right?
But he didn’t want to be Captain of the Dutchman because he wanted to be immortal. He wanted to be Captain of the Dutchman because what always motivate Jack was freedom, and he defines freedom as being the Captain of a ship. Jack wasn’t trying to avoid death in DMC and AWE, so much as he was trying to avoid being pressed into Davy Jones’s servitude. He owed Jones a century of servitude; if he wanted long life, he could have simply taken Jones up on the offer. After all, a hundred years is unheard of for someone in Jack’s line of work, right? So why didn’t he just do that?
Because Jack wanted to be free, and that meant being Captain and having a ship.
There’s a moment in AWE that illustrates this. Jack indicates to Will Turner that he wants to stab Jones’s heart and become Captain of the Dutchman, to which Will responds, “But then you have to do the job, Jack. You have to ferry the dead, or you become like Jones.” Jack’s response is less than enthusiastic, so even that isn’t ideal, because even though he’d be Captain, he still wouldn’t be free. Jack is all about total freedom. Of course, at the end of AWE, he is willing to do the deed anyway, because it’s the only way he’ll ever be free of Davy Jones…until he realizes he must do something selfless and let Will Turner stab the heart.
Jack certainly does fear death to some degree, but when he realizes that there’s no other alternative, he embraces it head on: he puts his hat back on, says “Hello, beastie!”, and charges the Kraken. That’s interesting to me, as is the scene in AWE when he is clearly sad that the Kraken is dead. Jack Sparrow is sensibly scared of death. But he’s terrified at the prospect of living a life without freedom, living on someone’s terms other than his own.
So, then, is Jack really planning to go after the Fountain of Youth at the end of At World’s End? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure it really matters. What matters is that he already figures that Captain Barbossa is going to ditch him again. Is he going after the Fountain, or is he only keeping the charts as future leverage? We don’t really find out, but in On Stranger Tides, Jack isn’t really motivated by a desire to find the Fountain at all, except as a way of getting himself away from the current batch of miscreants who have literally shanghai’d him into their service. Jack finds himself in servitude aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, which is once again an intolerable situation – so he immediately begins to plan a mutiny.
As On Stranger Tides ends, Jack is once again without a ship and planning on how to get one. Some have complained about this, but I rather like it. I’m coming to see Captain Jack Sparrow not as a character whom I need to see growing and changing all the time; I see him more as a character whose situations simply don’t allow for him to grow much at all. I see him in similar light to James Bond. Aside from a very few films, James Bond doesn’t grow or change much at all in the course of the series, and that’s fine because no one expects him to, and when he finally does, the result is extremely notable. I like the usual trajectory for Jack Sparrow: he’s cleverer by far than the people around him, but he’s still somehow always watching his ship sailing away without him, or being dragged to the bottom of the sea by a Kraken, or being shrunk down so it can fit inside a bottle. I’m just not sure that I want to see Jack Sparrow changing; I’m not sure that I need to learn in great detail about what motivates him. I don’t think he’s that kind of character, any more than James Bond is, or, to take another recent pop-culture Jack, 24‘s Jack Bauer. Now there‘s a guy who is in similar circumstances to Jack Sparrow: he can never escape his lot in life, and he’s constantly being dragged into adventures that maybe he’d just as soon not have. Of course, Bauer’s a lot more morose about it than Sparrow.
Another similar character is Brad Pitt’s Tristan Ludlow, from Legends of the Fall; Tristan doesn’t change much at all over the years of his story, either, and at film’s end, our narrator describes him as “the rock that everyone broke themselves against”. That’s Jack Sparrow.
So, on its own, how is On Stranger Tides? I, personally, loved it. I found it full of good old swashbuckling fun, and I loved that it didn’t take itself nearly as seriously as its immediate two predecessor films did (as much as I loved those). The way the film gradually pulls us into its story was terrific – there’s an impostor in London, claiming to be Captain Jack Sparrow and recruiting sailors. Obviously Jack is intrigued by this and investigates, in the course of freeing his first mate Mr. Gibbs from the gallows and escaping the King’s men and finding himself in audience with the King himself and escaping the King’s men again. As is typical, Jack does all this with varying degrees of success. Soon he’s in a race against other pirates, the King’s royal navy, and the Spaniards for the Fountain of Youth – which Jack isn’t that enthusiastic about seeking out to begin with.
The film’s major weakness is a subplot involving a captive Catholic priest on board Blackbeard’s ship, and his love story with a mermaid who is captured because it turns out that in order to take advantage of the Fountain of Youth, one needs a freshly-shed mermaid’s tear. I loved that little detail, but the film is so stuffed full of other things going on that the priest is only along to save the mermaid at the end. His character is pretty expendable, and he really could have been set aside; maybe Jack could set the mermaid free, thus showing us his usually-hidden selfless side. I also liked that the mermaids are really quite strange sea creatures, but aside from a single set-piece, they really don’t amount to much in the film. I’d have liked to have seen more of them.
And then there’s Angelica Malon, played by Penelope Cruz. She’s an old flame of Jack’s, who has turned to piracy for reasons of her own. As underdrawn as the Catholic priest is as a character, Angelica is perfectly pitched. She’s almost a female Jack Sparrow, trustworthy at times and untrustworthy at others, and strongly motivated. The film leaves her fate wide open, and I do hope that she features again in the adventures of Jack Sparrow.
A couple other random notes about On Stranger Tides:
:: The score isn’t as good as AWE, but it does add Spanish guitar to the proceedings, which is a nice touch. I’ve grown to really like the music for these films, which show that you don’t need to take a Korngoldian approach to scoring a pirate movie.
:: The Pirates films are all beautifully photographed, and this one’s no different. Rob Marshall takes over directing responsibilities for Gore Verbinski this time out, and he did a pretty good job, especially in the action sequences. I’ve come to really appreciate directors who are able to shoot action in such a way that you can tell what’s going on. Verbinski was very good in that way, and Marshall keeps that going.
:: If the Black Pearl was sunk in battle, I really hope that sailors Pintel and Ragetti either survived or weren’t on board. (Those are the short bald guy and the tall thin one-eyed guy from the first three films. The piratical C-3PO and R2-D2, in other words.)
:: Nowhere in On Stranger Tides does anyone mention rum; nor does Jack ever inquire as to why the rum is always gone.
:: I don’t really care that the Pirates films cheerfully do whatever they want with the geography and geology of the Caribbean.
:: I wonder what seafaring bits of lore will be mined for the next Pirates movie? Maybe Jack Sparrow can have an encounter with a giant white whale. I suppose he could find Atlantis, or maybe the lost Templar fleet. Who knows?
(By the way, I can’t recommend highly enough Michael May’s thoughts on Curse of the Black Pearl, Dead Man’s Chest, and At World’s End. Those are terrific posts, on the subject of character development in the first three PotC films. He has interesting thoughts as to who the main character of that trilogy is, and I’m inclined to agree with him.)
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Bad feelings, and the people who have them
What haven’t we done in this space in quite a while? Why, rant about someone’s inability to understand Star Wars, that’s what!
Cracked.com, always one of my favorite websites, has a piece up today called “5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense Than The Movie”. There’s a bit about, you guessed it, Star Wars. Here it is:
Star Wars: Obi Wan Kenobi is OB-1, Clone Warrior
One of the most intriguing aspects of the original Star Wars trilogy was the brief mention of something called “The Clone Wars” — in the first film, those three words alone are enough to change Luke’s perception of Obi-Wan Kenobi from “cave-dwelling old creep” to “badass space warrior.” The thing is, in those early movies they never actually told us what exactly the Clone Wars was, which somehow makes it sound even more epic: For over two decades, literally the only thing fans knew about it was that it involved clones and warring.
Of all the wild theories fans came up with during those cold, lonely Star Wars-less decades, there’s one that stands out …
The Awesome Fan Theory:
The “clones” were artificially grown Jedi, and Obi-Wan was one of them — thus the clone designation “OB-1.”
Picture this: Millions of cloned Jedi Knights battling across planets and spaceships in a badass whirlwind of laser-force space death. A “star war,” if you will. It makes sense: If you had to clone someone to create an army of warriors, a powerful Jedi would be the most logical choice.
According to this theory, the name Obi-Wan Kenobi is actually a transliteration of his serial number: OB-1, first in a line of star-warring space wizards. In the first movie, Obi-Wan uses the alias “Ben Kenobi,” supposedly because he’s hiding from the Empire, but that doesn’t really make sense: Why would you keep the same last name if you didn’t want to be found? This would explain where the alias came from: It was the name of the original Jedi he was cloned from (and therefore his “father”).
Oh, and it closes a gigantic plot hole in the prequels: The reason the old man Obi-Wan doesn’t seem to remember any of the events of the prequels (such as not remembering having ever seen the droids before, or that Darth Vader built Threepio) is that the old man is just a clone. Also, imagine the awesomeness of the surprise ending they could have included in Episode II, in which the future Darth Vader starts his march toward evil by pushing the original Obi-Wan Kenobi off of one of those high walkways they apparently design into every spaceship.
What We Got Instead:
In Episode II: Attack of the Clones, we find out that the Clone Wars was actually a war between some crappy robots and … an army of Boba Fetts. The Jedi are sort of standing in between, and then they’re all killed by the Boba Fetts. Yeah.
Oh yeah. These guys are way cooler than an endless apocalyptic horde of Jedi.
As for Obi-Wan, he forgot all about R2-D2 and C-3PO after spending three whole movies with them because … you know what, at this point we don’t even care.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard this “fan theory” in action. In all honesty…it’s a pretty cool idea. But I have to admit that I was never really traumatized by not knowing what the “Clone Wars” were all about. Sure, I wanted to know, but I didn’t devote a whole lot of thought to it. I figured it was a bunch of wars. Involving clones. Why worry about it?
But the rest of this is awfully wrong-headed. Surely it’s not that difficult to pay attention to details? Starting with the question of why Obi Wan would use his original last name when he’s in hiding, it should be remembered that he’s not in hiding on Coruscant or some other heavily-populated central world. He’s hiding on a sparsely-populated planet way out on the Outer Rim, a planet that isn’t really even part of the Empire yet. There’s no real reason for the name “Kenobi” to be particularly troublesome; the only people who really know about him are the Emperor and Darth Vader, and neither of them really has any reason to be concerned with events on Tatooine. In fact, Vader himself may be subconsciously intending to avoid that planet entirely, since it’s where he grew up and met Padme.
And really, for all we know, “Kenobi” is like “Jones” in the Star Wars universe.
But the Cracked.com commentary goes off the rails when the writer assumes that the fan theory would fix a major “plot hole” in the Prequel Trilogy. The statement that “Obi Wan doesn’t seem to remember what happened in the Prequels” is just silly. First of all, he never said that he had never seen the droids before. All he said was, “Don’t seem to recall ever owning a droid.” Owning. And he hasn’t. He’s worked with droids, but none has ever really called him “Master”.
Second — well, he’s got to be careful, doesn’t he? When the droids show up in his life again in A New Hope, he can’t possibly expect them, and he can’t just start babbling at them: “Hey, R2! I haven’t seen this little droid in twenty years! And C-3PO! How’s it going!” He can’t do those things because Luke is right there, and Luke has no idea who he is or what he represents. And it’s not like they have time, over the ensuing course of events, for Obi Wan to give Luke a lengthy recitation of the events of the Clone Wars. What does Cracked think that Obi Wan is supposed to do?
And third, of the two droids specifically — it’s well-established in Star Wars that astromech droids (R2-D2) and protocol droids (C-3PO) are pretty much a dime a dozen. It’s also established that Obi Wan doesn’t think too highly of droids in his early life. And there’s just no real reason for Obi Wan to even know that Anakin built C-3PO. Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn’t. Cracked is assuming that the characters know as much as we do, and there’s no reason to make that assumption.
There. Been a while since I ranted in defense of Star Wars — I’d forgotten how good it felt!
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Sentential Links #251
The road to 500 of these posts continues!
:: Can I just say that I’m really surprised and impressed that the world of A Song of Ice and Fire fans seemed to collectively, unconsciously decide not to spoil [spoiler excised] for the viewing audience who hadn’t read the book? (I have a friend at work who watched the series, and talked a lot with me about it. He hadn’t read the books, so he had no idea what was coming; that will be ending, though, because while he’s not a reader, his wife is, and she’s plowing through the series right now. I was careful not to spoil things for him, although he would ask things like “Does Daenerys’s brother stick around a long time?”, which I vaguely answered, “His exit comes sooner than you might expect.” But I have to bite my tongue at other times, such as when he speculates on which characters are obviously going to be around for the length of the entire story. And speaking of Game of Thrones, I haven’t watched more than the first episode yet, mainly because…well, there are scenes where people act so horribly that I’m not sure that I want to see them acted out. I found it hard enough reading about Cersei’s framing of Sansa’s direwolf, and I had a very hard time reading the scene where Joffrey has his servant beat Sansa. Seeing those scenes onscreen might prove…difficult for me. I’ve got them downloaded, so we’ll see.)
:: I will miss Dunn’s wild behavior, but can not feel sorry for someone who didn’t care about his own life’s worth. (I have to admit to feeling little sympathy for Ryan Dunn, myself. I don’t even care if he was drinking — operating any kind of motor vehicle at speeds the likes of which Dunn was at the time of his crash is a staggeringly unsafe thing to do, and the main blessing I can find here is that he only killed himself and whatever idiot was dumb enough to ride with him. Had there been other cars on the road at the same time, he could have killed them, too. I’m reminded of a couple of recent local accidents here — one, a year or two ago, on one of the rural roads, involved some kid who loved driving his car really fast on those two-lane roads. He, too, joked with friends that he’d probably die at the wheel of his beloved car…which he did. With three other kids in the car with him.
Another was a motorcycle accident on Interstate 290 in Amherst, NY. That’s one of Buffalo’s northern suburbs. The Wife has told me that she’d be driving home on that road from work at around 10:30 pm, when she’d suddenly be passed by a gang of folks riding crotch-rocket motorcycles are ridiculous speeds. They’d be going so fast that she didn’t even know they were there until they passed her. Well, a couple weeks ago, one of those groups was whipping along at over 100 mph when one of them lost control of his bike and wiped out. He and his passenger skidded across the pavement, right underneath a semi truck. The passenger somehow managed to not get run over; the bike driver wasn’t so lucky. No alcohol there; just a moron who liked going fast.)
:: Can we define science fiction and fantasy so as to clearly separate them? (That is, of course, the ultimate question. I think the answer is No, but I’ve been wrong before!)
That’s all for this week. More next week!

