Outgun Outrun Outgrabe!

I’ve had something of a love/hate relationship with Survivor over the years. I watched a goodly chunk of the first season — most of it after the first few episodes, a little bit of the second, an episode or two here and there of most seasons after that. Then they did a “Pirate” themed season about five or six years back which sucked me in almost instantly.

I liked that season right off the bat because they gave the two teams some money and sent them into a town in the first episode to buy provisions that they would take with them to “the island” or wherever it was they were, and one team actually stole some of the other team’s stuff. And then, the contestants were taken on a boat and they were all dressed up for what they were told was a publicity photo shoot — and then, when the boat they were on anchored about a hundred yards off the coast of “the island”, our erstwhile host and emcee Jeff Probst announced, “There’s no photo shoot. The game starts right now. That’s your island. Over the side, as you are!” And they had to do it. One guy was in a shirt and tie, and the women were in dresses and had to “play the game” without that most important of female garments on Survivor: sports bras. That was cool. That season had a lot of memorable folks in it: a villain named Jon who dubbed himself “Jonny Rotten”; a backstabbing Boy Scouts den mother named Lil; a giant lummox hippie named Rupert; and the eventual winner, a Puerto Rican woman named Sandra.

I think the next season started off interestingly as well, but what got involving there was the play of a single contestant, a guy named Terry, who saw his entire tribe cut down, one by one, until it was just himself remaining against the rest of the other tribe. He was screwed, and the only hope he had was to literally win every single immunity challenge the rest of the way out, from something like ten people left all the way down to three. He fell one challenge short, and the winner ended up being some kid whom I couldn’t stand.

I swore off Survivor after Terry’s elimination, but I would still catch an occasional episode here and there, until the 20th season, which concluded last night. (Ever since 2001, Survivor has aired two complete editions each teevee season, so since 2000 they’ve had 20 editions, or seasons, of the show. Odd terminology.) This was the much ballyhooed “Heroes versus Villains” edition, which pitted players who had been popular and who had played, I don’t know, “above board” games against a bunch of players who had been sneaky, mean, deceitful, and downright dishonest. Of course, Survivor by its nature blurs the line between “hero” and “villain” quite a bit; as Rupert noted in last night’s reunion episode in which the winner (Sandra again, whom I loved the first time and loved again this time), in the the three seasons of Survivor on which he has appeared, he has lied and stolen and backstabbed, and yet he was labeled a “hero”.

But anyway, on to this particular season, which was basically dominated almost from pillar to post by a guy named Russell, who was billed as possibly the best player in Survivor history. I didn’t see much at all of the first season he was on, which immediately preceded this one, but apparently his gameplay the first time was basically to manipulate the hell out of people, lie and deceive at will, put the knife in the back of people he had allied himself with before (sometimes earlier the same day). Russell was a force to be reckoned with…and yet, he didn’t win his first regular season of Survivor.

So he was immediately brought back for “Heroes versus Villains”, and he started the same style of gameplay again, and damned if it didn’t work again as he manipulated the hell out of people, lied and deceived at will, put the knife in the back of people he had previously allied himself with, and at times literally seemed to be dictating the terms of “the game” (as Survivor is always referred to by those playing it) to the other contestants. Somehow he always seemed to get his way, until the end, when he once again saw someone else walk away with the million dollar prize and the title of “Ultimate Survivor”, as Sandra became the first person to ever win Survivor twice. There have been several editions of Survivor that brought back previous contestants and even previous winners, but until now, no previous winner had won it all again.

I’ve seen Sandra’s victory denigrated in various places by people who admired the openly “evil” way Russell approached the game, but I seriously don’t get this notion. Sandra is a lesser player because she never, in either season she played, won a single individual Immunity Challenge; she never put together a dominant alliance; she never dictated the course of the game. “She never had a strategy,” the refrain goes; “Sandra just rode others’ coattails, she just flew under the radar, et cetera et cetera et cetera.” These complaints seem silly to me: why isn’t flying under the radar a strategy? Why isn’t just letting a more dominant player focus on everyone else a strategy? The notion seems to be that Sandra didn’t deserve to win because she didn’t play Survivor in the manner that lots of people like to see people play Survivor — this despite the fact, evident in twenty seasons of the show, that people who play that way simply don’t win. They don’t.

Have deceitful, sneaky and manipulative people won in the past? Sure. Richard Hatch won the very first time out by being that kind of player, and one reason why it’s taken me so long to really warm up to the show is that so often it turns out that people with the skill set necessary to do well on Survivor are people I wouldn’t want anywhere near me, much less winning a show. But what Richard did was something Russell not only didn’t do, but didn’t even realize he should have done: Richard managed to cast someone else as the villain and therefore was able to win when the jury voted against her.

The argument for Russell winning always seems to be phrased the exact same way: “He played the game.” He played the game, all right, but…so what? Am I to believe that Sandra did not play the game? Of course she did, and what’s more, she did it without an alliance to back her up (despite her best efforts to forge one), she did it without ever winning Inidividual Immunity, and she did it with only finding one of the hidden Immunity Idols. Sandra won by demonstrating a much greater understanding of the psychological aspect of the game, about which Russell was simply clueless.

“But Russell played the game!”

Russell himself kept saying it, over and over and over. “I shoulda won because I played the game!” And Russell’s defenders have picked up the same chorus, which leads me to conclude that a lot of folks simply don’t understand something fundamental about games: by definition they have more than one way to be played. There are poker players who can win by being so good at bluffing that they can make you fold on a full house when they’re sitting on a pair of threes, and there are other poker players who can win by being average bluffers at best but are instead able to keep careful mental track of cards played and probabilities confronting them. There are chess players who play a wide-open, attacking style, and there are chess players who play stalwart defense to allow their offensive-minded opponents to break their own forces against. The point is pretty clear: Sandra played the game too. She just played it in a different style than Russell. Maybe you prefer a player of Russell’s style to win, but that’s not the same thing as implying that Sandra just went on autopilot and wound up right there at the end.

Sandra’s strategy has been extremely effective both times she’s played: she sneaks about and listens carefully to gain information, and she is able to make herself seem as though she simply isn’t a threat. It was glaringly obvious during the last couple episodes of this season that Russell was making a colossal error in the way he kept saying that he didn’t care if Sandra went to the final three, because there was no way the jury would award someone who “didn’t play the game”. As in, the jury would never award someone who didn’t play with the same approach that he did. I thought Sandra’s strategy was pretty brilliant, especially in her first season, when she was able to look the jury in the eye at the very end and say, “Every one of who that’s on the jury instead of sitting here is there because of something Lil [her Final Two opponent] did.” And damned if she wasn’t able to get the same point across again.

And that, ultimately, brings me to why I now consider Russell to be a very overrated player of Survivor. Oddly, I was trying to crystallize my thoughts on Russell’s gameplay errors when, in the reunion show, it was Boston Rob — of all people! — who laid it out nicely by pointing out that Russell didn’t play to win the game, he merely played to get to the final three. In Russell’s mind, “winning Survivor” is exactly the same thing as “getting to the final three”. And we’ve seen, time and time and time again that on Survivor, that simply isn’t the case.

So, what was wrong with Russell? Why was he overrated?

Point the first: Russell was often very lucky, and yet, in the jury questioning, he openly denied the role luck had to play in his success.

This is a bigger point than many people suppose. Lots of folks, Americans in particular I’ve noticed, underrate luck as a crucial role in whatever success they attain in life (or lack thereof). Russell genuinely thought that he got to the final three solely by virtue of his own efforts. This simply isn’t the case. First off, he had a built-in structural advantage in that “Heroes versus Villains” was filmed just a couple of weeks after the previous season — Russell’s first — had ended, which meant that Russell’s first edition of Survivor had not even aired when he started playing “Heroes versus Villains”. Thus, none of the “H v. V” contestants knew anything about him. I have to believe that the next time Russell gets a shot at Survivor, he will have a bullseye on his back very early on, because everyone will know about him.

Second, his Villains tribe had a good early run, with the Villains only losing two of the first seven Immunity Challenges, and it wasn’t until the third episode — Day 8 of the show, realtime — that the Villains had to vote someone out. That gave Russell eight days, which were followed by seven more, to start putting together an alliance to first protect him and, later, conspire with him. That was a lucky break.

Third, Russell found a hidden Immunity Idol, which helped him to get a player on another alliance knocked off.

Fourth, in that very episode when he played the Idol by giving it to Parvati — thus cementing his alliance — he could not have had any idea that Tyson would change his vote.

Fifth, he couldn’t have predicted that the Hero tribe would do something do stupid as to give him another Immunity Idol.

Sixth, the final Immunity Challenge came down to him and Jerri. Had Parvati won it, who knows?

Russell was often quite lucky. Now, he did possess the skill to make the most of that luck, but when he denied that luck was a factor at all, it made clear that Russell had fallen in love with the power of his own personality.

Point the second: Russell had no end-game.

When you play a game, if you want to be good at it, you have to be able to put together an end-game. The end-game is when one’s attention switches from reaching a certain point in the game with a certain position of strength to securing the victory. Russell had no idea how to do this, because as Boston Rob pointed out, Russell thought that reaching the end-game was the end-game. Anyone who’s really paid attention to Survivor over the years knows otherwise. This brings me to:

Point the third: Russell simply does not understand the game.

Remember the end of Shawshank Redemption, when Red says, in voiceover, “I like to think that the last thing to go through the Warden’s head, other than that bullet, was to think, how in the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.” The look on Russell’s face last night when he lost was very similar to that — it was as though he couldn’t process it. His inner Vezzini had to be screaming “Inconceivable!” And yet, it was.

Sure, it’s easy for viewers at home to get a kick out of watching Russell strut around the island, bullying people into voting the way he wants them to, but imagine that you’re not sitting in your living room watching a carefully edited 43 minutes of what happened, but you’re living it. Imagine you’re Jerri, and all of a sudden one day, you’ve got Russell in your face saying, “Vote with me or you’re out of this game.” I tend to think that’s the exact moment when he lost Jerri’s jury vote, and he did that stuff constantly, and then still expected to get the million dollar reward. Russell simply did not understand that at its heart, Survivor is the most psychological of reality teevee games. He showed no understanding of the psychology of the game; all Russell saw was blunt force. He was the human embodiment of the old adage that when your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Put simply: Survivor by its very nature doesn’t reward the nicest person, but it does reward the person who is the lesser dick, or douche, or asshole, or whatever word you like. What makes Survivor so oddly compelling is that it sets up a game where you need to screw people to win, and then in the end, final victory is decided by the people who have been screwed. That’s why the game requires that such a fine line be walked by those who would win it, and Russell not only refused to walk the fine line, he ignored its existence altogether.

In the end, Russell felt entitled to win, and people have a funny tendency to look down on people who feel entitled. He showed his sense of entitlement in his shock at having lost, and in his bizarre notion that viewers should get to vote on the ultimate winner.

In conclusion, Russell did not deserve to win; he is not the greatest player in Survivor history; Sandra did deserve to win because she did play the game. She outwitted Russell, she outplayed him, and she outlasted him.

A few random notes:

:: Colby said that they weren’t allowed to swim or go anywhere while on the set. What was that about?

:: I was rooting for Russell just to get rid of Boston Rob, whom I consider to be one of the most irritating people on teevee anywhere. Why Rob is considered such a great player is beyond me; he’s 0-3 on Survivor and 0-2 on The Amazing Race. He’s nowhere near as potent a force as he thinks he is.

:: I like Rupert a lot, but man, is he a clueless lummox or what?

:: I thought the women on the show were, without exception, better looking in their no-makeup, unbathed states on the show than all dolled up in the finale! I suppose I find dirty women appealing.

:: Coach is a very, very odd man. He kept giving speeches that were incoherent at best.

:: The next edition of Survivor goes to Nicaragua. I’d love to see a non-tropical locale at some point, huh? They’ve done the Australian Outback and they’ve done China, but that’s it. I’m not saying they should do Survivor: Himalayans, but how about a desert environment? Or a mountain forest in the Pacific Northwest?

We’ll see next year, but for now, Yay Sandra!

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“You do remind me a little of Hooch.”

I can rarely say with any particular conviction that a single teevee show is my favorite teevee show at any one moment, because there are always a number of teevee shows that I like a lot at any one time, and I can rarely elevate a single one to “favorite” status. Right now, my favorites are Grey’s Anatomy, The Mentalist, 30Rock, and a couple of others. One is starting to show signs of pushing through into possible “favorite” status. That show is Castle.

For those of you who haven’t watched Castle — what the hell is stopping you?! — it’s a mystery series set in New York City. Now, I know, we’ve had lots of those, but the gimmick here is that a bestselling murder mystery writer named Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion) uses his friendship with the Mayor to get the NYPD to allow him to “consult” on murder cases, which means he gets to show up at crime scenes and be present for interrogations. His “partner” is Detective Kate Beckett (Stana Katic), who is very tough, competent, professional, no-nonsense. Castle tends to be goofy to the point where he actually seems to have fun at bloody crime scenes, and it’s constantly falling to Beckett to rein him back in. It’s your typical relationship of two people of completely different personalities being pushed together, and as in all such cases, it either works or it doesn’t on the strength of the writing and the chemistry between the actors. Well, Castle has a surplus of terrific writing, and Fillion and Katic have so much chemistry that one wonders if Union Carbide is sponsoring the show.

Here’s a generally random list of things I appreciate about Castle:

:: Obviously, the Castle-Beckett relationship is the cornerstone of the series, which wouldn’t work without it. It’s a pleasingly complex relationship, and not without a certain amount of romantic tension between the two. And that’s the important thing to note: this isn’t sexual tension of the “Will Maddy ever sleep with Dave!” sort, but genuine romantic tension. There’s really no doubting that Castle and Beckett are really made for one another, just as Mulder and Scully were really made for one another.

Will they end up together? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe the show ends with them getting together, or maybe the show ends at some point aiming in that direction. What can not happen is either Castle or Beckett ending up with someone else. That would be wrong.

:: Castle makes a lot of sly references to other teevee shows, and generally has a great time winking at the audience. In one episode, an FBI agent asks Castle if he thinks he’s some kind of “TV detective”, to which Castle responds, “I don’t think so. They always seem oddly fixated on their sunglasses.”

And course, there was the episode that started off thusly:

And then there was this bit, which would only be noticed by the really attentive fans of Firefly:

:: Castle is a wonderfully shot series. Episodes are full of bold colors, artfully designed sets and shots, interesting camera work. It’s nice to see a crime series set in NYC that doesn’t emphasize the gritty, dirty New York. It doesn’t make New York into a fairytale land of beauty the way, say, Beauty and the Beast did back in the day, but it’s not a NYPDBLue-esque tour of filthy bodegas and scummy bars, either.

:: Snappy dialog and great lines abound. In one episode, a guy avoids being killed when he’s shot because the bullet is stopped by the copy of Crime and Punishment that he’s got in his coat pocket. One of the detectives later quips, “Good thing he likes Russian literature. If he’s a Nicholas Sparks fan, he’d be dead right now.”

Or another episode in which Castle and Beckett are investigating one case while the other two detectives investigate another, and Castle has bets going with the other two as to which team will close their case first. They all keep the betting “hush hush” because they know Beckett will ream the out in a big way if she finds out about it. Which, of course, she eventually does. Her response? She glares at the three of them, and then says, with perfect comic timing, “One hundred bucks on me and Castle.”

:: Castle’s family life isn’t irritating at all. A lot of times shows like this stop dead in their tracks when they show the “civilian lives” of the characters. Castle’s family — he lives with his eccentric stage-actress mother and his turning-out-just-fine teenage daughter — often keep him in line and are interesting characters in their own right. I just hope that we don’t get some kind of imperilization for Castle’s family sometime down the road, though.

The flipside here is that Detective Beckett’s home life isn’t shown nearly as much. We know that she reads Castle’s books, and her main motivation for becoming a cop was the unsolved murder of her mother. But we don’t see nearly as much of what she does on her off-hours as we do of Castle’s (which makes sense, since the show is mainly from Castle’s point of view).

:: The supporting characters are quirky and intelligent on their own. Nobody on this series is a boring “stock character”.

:: There’s a small bit of ongoing story arc in the series (Detective Beckett’s mother’s murder), but that’s kept fairly solidly in the background except for an episode here and there. The soap opera stuff is kept to a minimum. I love some ongoing continuity in a teevee series as much as anybody, but it’s also refreshing to have a show where most of the time, episodes are pretty self-contained.

Now, the show’s not perfect. No show ever is. There was an episode, for instance, that had Alyssa Milano guest-starring that was pretty clunky, mainly because after a season-and-a-half of getting to know Richard Castle, there’s just no way to see Alyssa Milano as the one failed relationship Castle really regrets. And there are lots of ways the show can misstep in the future: rushing the Castle/Beckett relationship, or putting Castle’s family in danger, so on and so forth. But for right now, Castle is a weekly dose of smart and witty murder mystery.

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Hey, do you think “muffin” was a euphemism for something?

I watched Betty White on Saturday Night Live the other night, and I found it for the most part very enjoyable, hilarious at times and occasionally “meh”. (I didn’t stay up for the whole show, actually; I went to bed after “Weekend Update”, happy to let the visions of Tina Fey behind the newsdesk once again dance about in my head.)

White did a really good job on the show. I have to confess that I’m just not that huge a fan of Betty White. I have no problem with her whatsoever; I don’t dislike her at all. But I admit that I just don’t get why it’s become the case of late that anything with Betty White in it is automatically considered Awesome. (And to be honest, I didn’t like Golden Girls much at all, but that’s certainly not Betty White’s fault. The show just didn’t amuse me much.)

But as for SNL? Some great stuff there. The opening sketch, a parody of Lawrence Welk, went on a bit too long, but White’s monologue was one of the better monologues I’ve seen on SNL in a long time. There was a sketch in which White appeared on what appeared to be a Latino talk show. I actually dosed off during this sketch, but I’m willing to grant that this may be due to my almost always being asleep by 11:30 pm than because of the sketch. The “muffin” sketch was hilarious, and I also found the next one funny as well (“Maybe it’s because she’s a lesbian!”). All in all, I thought White did a great job on the show.

I also listened to Jay-Z’s rap performance, and it confirmed what I’ve always thought about rap music: I admire the artistry at work in it, but man oh man, is it ever not my cup of tea. It doesn’t appeal to me at all, but I don’t hate it and I would certainly never claim that “rap isn’t music”.

Anyway, kudos to Betty White. Next week we’ll have Alec Baldwin hosting SNL for what must be the 89th time. I think Baldwin has probably appeared on the show more times than John Belushi by now. Yeesh! (Actually, I’ve just looked it up, and it’s not even close. This will be Baldwin’s 20th appearance. Belushi appeared in 88 episodes.)

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IDOLatry in Action

My thoughts on American Idol last night, as posted stream-of-consciousness to Facebook and now revised and extended:

:: Sinatra night on Idol! Time to document the atrocities.

I was a bit nervous about Sinatra night, and my fears were ultimately born out. My concern was that the contestants would stick with the Sinatra Cliche, rather than try to grapple a bit with Sinatra the Artist. What is the Sinatra Cliche? It’s the guy in the dark suit, loose tie, and maybe the hat, standing at a microphone, singing a swing-style song with a jazz band or combo behind him as he’s snapping his fingers. Sinatra was so much more than that — he left his mark on most of the genres of popular music over his years, but sure enough, the show stuck with the Sinatra Cliche.

And then I had a minor computer issue that required doing a System Restore, so my computer was doing its thing while I watched the show. When I finally got on again I started to catch up. Aaron had started the show:

:: So: Aaron. Picture a 16-year-old kid who’s on the small side, putting on a tie and trying to belt out some Sinatra. That’s exactly what it was. Nobody in their right mind would pay to watch him.

It’s exactly what he was: a kid trying to croon. Utterly, utterly lame and forgettable — but the judges praised him as they do each week. For some reason Randy seems convinced Aaron is a country singer, even though there is absolutely nothing in his voice or what little style he has to indicate any country chops at all.

Next came Casey:

:: Casey: My God, what happened there?! Was he forced to sing a swing-style arrangement with a band? Couldn’t he say “You know, this style isn’t in my wheelhouse and I’d like to do it a different way?” (News flash, folks: Frank Sinatra was SO MUCH MORE than finger-snappin’ “Mr. Cool” jazz-band stuff.)

Casey had been pretty good up ’til now, but last night’s performance was a train wreck. I honestly wonder if he was basically forced into a style of singing he simply is not cut out for, as from what I’ve seen of Casey this season, I think I’m safe saying that in an entire musical career, there is zero chance he would ever elect to sing a swing-band song with a jazz band. Harry Connick Jr. or no.

Casey’s performance also exposed Kara Dioguardi’s total uselessness as a judge. I’ve heard all season that Casey has a pretty strange warble for a vibrato, and I wager he knows it too, because he has steadily avoided big notes and long sustains that would put his odd vibrato on display. Last night, with the style of song he had, he had no choice but to try for a big held note, and the results were not encouraging. This was when Kara noticed his odd vibrato. Finger on the pulse, that one has.

Batting third was Crystal:

:: Crystal: Best yet. Not HER best, but she was still better than either of the two who came before. And unlike the happily-departed Siobhan, she was able to disagree with Simon without sounding pouty or whiny and actually make a point.

What impressed me about Crystal is that she really seems to think through what she’s doing. It’s not always perfect, it doesn’t always work exactly well, but you can always tell that she’s got an artistic thought process for each song. When Simon critiqued her, she was able to respond to him with an actual intelligent statement about the song itself. Contrast that with Siobhan, who would pout and sulk her way through her responses to Simon. Crystal’s performances aren’t just good, they’re smart.

In the power slot was Mike:

:: And now Mike. Aside from “New York New York”, that may be the most clicheed song from the Sinatra songbook, and he did a purely clicheed version of it. He’s got a good voice, but that didn’t impress me all that much. (Still liked it more than Aaron or Casey.)

He did “The Way You Look Tonight”, complete with fedora. Nothing about it stood out in any way to anyone who’s heard (a) any number of Sinatra imitators, or (b) Sinatra himself. The judges sure gushed over it, though. The theme this whole season seems to be “Judges divorced utterly from reality”.

It was about this point in the show that I started to tire of Ellen Degeneres’s jokes directed at Harry Connick Jr. One joke was funny (“I think the piano was a little pitchy”) but the rest was dull overkill.

And then it was time for my least favorite contestant, Lee:

:: Lee: He’s trying to act the song. He’s trying to swagger like he’s had four martinis. HATE HATE HATE this. (To be fair, I’ve never liked this song, even when The Chairman of the Board sang it.)

The judges adored this performance, and in one of the most inexplicable displays of judicial nonsense ever uttered on IDOL, someone — I believe it was Simon, of all people — said that Harry Connick Jr. had actually managed to unlock Lee’s real personality, or some such nonsense. My jaw hit the floor, because the performance was hammy, fake, insincere, and completely unconvincing. It was as if Lee had specifically planned each and every hand motion or stagger-step he did beforehand. There was nothing, nothing, real or convincing about it. But for some reason, the judges are as sold on Lee as they were on David Archuleta (who has now disappeared into the same oblivion that awaits all IDOL runners-up who aren’t named Clay Aiken).

:: Wow, folks — Paula Abdul leaves, so now we apparently have FOUR judges who are stoned as opposed to just one. But again, why did everyone have to go big and swing with every song tonight? Where were the quieter songs, the ones with strings? I’ve lived to see Sinatra become a big cliche, and that saddens me. (Oh, and Lee SUCKED.)

Just had to get that last in there. But really, where was the sensitive Sinatra who could record an album like Sinatra Sings for Only the Lonely? No one could manage “One For My Baby (and One More for the Road)”? “Love’s Been Good To Me”? And aside from Crystal, no one even tried to do what really set Sinatra in a class by himself: to approach each song as a story and tell that story.

One final complaint that I didn’t air on Facebook: Five singers, and they’re still only doing one song each? Really? Time was when they’d do multiple songs at this point. (One great moment of Paula Abdul-on-drugs came in an episode where the contestants were doing two songs each, one now and one “later”. So when David Cook finished his first song, Paula said some stuff and then continued, “And as for your second song….” Simon had to point out that he had not, in fact, performed two songs.) More music and less judges and padding would be welcome. (Or, actually, given this batch of contestants, maybe not. I’m sure not looking forward to Lee’s three songs in the finale.)

By way of predictions, I honestly expect Crystal to be sent home either this week or next. I don’t think she reaches the finale; I’m expecting a Lee-and-Aaron showdown. Will I watch something so awful? Doubtful, but who knows. This is IDOL‘s worst season.

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IDOLization

This week’s ramblings on American Idol, as first posted to Facebook and then here:

:: I think it would be neat to see an episode of CSI: Miami where absolutely nothing happens in slow motion, where Horatio Caine makes eye contact with people when he’s talking to them, and where Calleigh doesn’t walk around with her blouse unbuttoned down to…well, let’s not get crazy, here. First two are fine.

(Oh, sorry, that has nothing to do with IDOL. But I liked it after I said it, so here it is.)

:: Shania Twain night on Idol. Hmmmm…they really should have done Country Night earlier in the competition, since country night usually yields some pretty good performances. Might’ve helped some lackluster contestants out. Giddy-up!

(Usually “Country Night” happens when there are nine or ten contestants left, which is usually good because every year some of the contestants come from a much more country background than pop, and Country Night usually buys a contestant or two a few extra weeks. It’s usually not devoted to a single country artist’s songbook, either.)

:: Lee: He’s singing a lot of notes outright flat. I still hate his voice. Will Randy tell him he was “pitchy”, which he is? And now Lee’s embracing his inner Siobhan, doing lots of shouting and man-screeching. Didn’t like it.

And then:: Randy said he was a “little pitchy” at the beginning. He was pitchy all the way through it. Lee is this year’s David Archuleta — he can sing like crap and then get told he’s doing no wrong at all.

At this point, my personal deck is so stacked against Lee that I’m probably unfair to the guy, but this is all about opinions, and I just don’t like him one bit. And this week he was singing notes flat all the way through his song, and still, everyone praised him. Talk about a guy who makes every song sound the same…I think my David Archuleta comparison is pretty apt. The judges were all but ready to hand Archuleta the title the year he was on, even though all he did was one ballad after another. Lee’s cut from the same cloth. Lee also decided this week that since nobody’s ever going to tell Siobhan to stop screeching her high notes, he should go ahead and scream and screech his, too. His “big notes” sounded awful and unpleasant.

:: Mike: OK, I suppose. Didn’t hate it (like I did Lee’s), but it didn’t blow me away. Ellen compares him to Luther Vandross, when blogger Ken Levine said two weeks ago that Mike makes EVERY song sound like a Luther Vandross song.

An hour later, I have little memory of what Mike did. It made no impression at all, other than it didn’t outright suck.

:: Casey: This is better than last week. And he’s better than Mike and Lee thus far. He’s got an actual country voice and he’s making it sound like a country song (I’m looking at you, Mike), and his high notes sound SUNG instead of SCREAMED (I’m looking at you, Lee).

Casey is officially my second favorite contestant of the remaining six.

:: Crystal: She Who Can Do No Wrong. She sounds SO authentic, no matter what she sings. She is Teh Awesome.

Loved her. I don’t know the song she did, but she did a country version of the song that actually sounded like Country, and not Annoying Rockabilly, either.

:: Simon Cowell’s contribution to the odd round of criticism aimed at Crystal might as well have started out with, “Pahdon me while I place my own head up my own arse.”

Simon babbled a bit about how she sounded like a singer in a coffee shop band. Why that’s bad, I don’t know — Simon’s apparent belief that the only musicians worth a damn in this world are the ones selling multi-platinum records gets irritating from time to time.

:: Aaron: Teenager Sings Makes Ballad Sound Like Every Other Ballad! Video at 11:00!!! Seriously, this is just dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. This kid is a personality vacuum.

Again, in one ear and out the other. He sang this like a straight ballad, and it was boring as hell. But then the judges started to gush! Randy told him, “You’re our country performer!”, completely ignoring the fact that the performance had zero characteristics that made it sound country at all.

:: Siobhan: God Almighty, I am SO SICK OF HER SCREAM. I almost hate her for it. That was ninety percent of a really good performance, and then she F***ING RUINS it with that damned scream. She’s like a little kid who learns a trick and won’t stop doing it and shouting “HEY MOMMY WATCH ME DO THIS!!!!”.

(I dread watching her take the stage now. No matter what she does, she’s going to get that scream in there. It’s the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen in an IDOL contestant. She did an up-tempo song and was doing it fairly well; I was actually enjoying it, but I knew what was coming, and sure enough, at the end, there it was: THE SCREAM THAT ATE PITTSBURGH.

When I was in high school, there was a kid a few years younger than me who was also a trumpet player in the band. By “trumpet player”, I am being generous — he was a lousy player, actually. His technique was piss-poor. But he had a parlor trick of his that for a few years had the band director convinced that he was some kind of hidden talent: through some freakish arrangement of the muscles of his lips, he could produce staggeringly high notes on the trumpet. For young trumpet players, high notes tend to be the Holy Grail; ask any young trumpet player who’s at all serious about the instrument what he or she feels is lacking in their skills, and they’ll almost always say “Range”. But this kid could produce extremely high notes with no apparent effort. He also had no control over those high notes, though; stick a trumpet in his hand and tell him to play a high note, he’d squeal one right out for you. Stick a piece of music on his stand and tell him that at this measure on this beat he needed to produce a High D, well, he was sunk.

That’s what Siobhan reminds me of. Her scream is a parlor trick, nothing more. Not only does it add nothing to her performances, it almost always detracts from it, because you know it’s coming, hell or high water, whether the song calls for it or not. At least this week, when Simon told her that the scream was unpleasant, she didn’t look all pouty — maybe because the other three judges were there to shower her with their own drool.)

:: Wrapping up: Crystal and Casey. Then Mike and maybe Siobhan (until that last note). Lee and Aaron can go away any time now. I have no use for either one of them.

So who actually goes home? I’m honestly expecting Crystal to depart very soon, maybe even this week. A Siobhan-Lee finale would tax my commitment to the show….)

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Idol Thoughts

This week on American Idol it was “Inspirational Songs Week”, which turned out to be less than inspirational. My annotated Facebook ramblings:

:: I got home from Panera too late to hear Casey sing, so I don’t know how he did. I still hate Lee, though. I hate his neck-bobbing as though he’s got a hairball, I hate his voice (until Joe Cocker dies, he’s the only one who gets to sing like Joe Cocker), and I am unimpressed by his ability to sing a song whose lyrics are 60% the word “La”.

Seriously, more than half of Lee’s song consisted of “La la la la la la laaaaa”. It was really grating. The judges gushed, but I thought it was awful. But at this point, I can’t stand Lee at all and have no idea what everyone sees in him.

:: Oh, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim. He tries so hard. He’s like a basketball team of five-foot-tall guys trying to play the Lakers. Too bad the result is what you’d expect from a team of five-foot guys playing the Lakers.

Tim did some song by the Goo Goo Dolls, about whom I should really know a lot more seeing as how I’m from Buffalo. The kid has no chops at all.

:: Oh goody! It’s Aaron, who I’ve just realized is actually Ryan from “The Office” at the age of 16. I don’t care what he does with this song, because I hate this song. Not that big a fan of Aaron’s, either.

Aaron did “I Believe I Can Fly”, that ghastly R. Kelly ditty from the movie “Spacejam”. It’s a terrible, terrible song, and Aaron’s an incredibly unconvincing singer.

:: All of my doubts about Randy Jackson have just been confirmed. When did “I Believe I Can Fly” become this enormous titan of a song? It’s a crappy ballad from a forgettable 1990s movie with Michael Jordan. Come on, judges.

The judges all spoke of this song in reverent tones, referring to it as a “big song” that took a lot of guts for Aaron to sing. It’s a mawkish and stupid song from a movie barely anybody remembers anymore and was more notable for generating lots of merchandise for sale at the old Warner Bros. Stores in the malls, before they all went belly-up.

:: Started the stopwatch as soon as Siobhan started singing. 58 seconds until she screeched. I guess this is an OK performance, but the song is crap.

She didn’t screech the entire second half of her song, like she usually does, but she did some screeching. I didn’t care for the song, so I didn’t think much of Siobhan tonight. But then, as soon as she stopped singing and the criticism started — with the most pointed criticism coming from Simon — well….

:: And once again with Siobhan’s “What? Criticism? Unpossible!” facial expression. And why is she getting this long a rebuttal period? Did we stumble from Idol into a Presidential Election Debate?

Whenever she gets criticized, Siobhan’s face reflects her utter astonishment that anyone doesn’t like what she’s just done. And they gave her something like ninety seconds to ramble on and on about why she was actually 100% right to sing the song she’d chosen even though the song was crap!

It was roughly around this time that I realized that the week’s theme, “Inspirational Songs”, was leading to a lot of annoying and cloying and fakey performances, so I opined thusly:

:: OK, these “inspirational” songs are getting on my nerves. I wish one of these contestants would do Monty Python’s “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life”.

So Michael Lynch was next….

:: Michael: For the love of God, Simon’s complaining about Mike doing a song from “Spiderman”. Nobody said anything about that stupid-assed song from the Looney Tunes and Michael Jordan movie! Dumbasses. (Oh, and Mike was just OK. Didn’t light my fire, but didn’t douse the coals with a bucket of water, either.)

Apparently Mike’s song was from Spiderman. This vexed Simon, for some reason; apparently songs from superhero movies are somehow lesser songs, whereas idiotic songs from movies in which basketball players interact with cartoons are Big Powerful Songs That Idol Contestants Should Attempt At Their Own Risk. Give me a break.

:: Crystal: Finally someone picks a song that doesn’t suck! (Well, the Goo Goo Dolls song didn’t suck either, but Aaron sucks, so that’s a wash.) This is one of my favorite songs of all time.

In Crystal’s little “session with the celebrity mentor” video that precedes the performance, she indicated that she was doing “People Get Ready”. I was ready to crown her the night’s victor at that moment. “People Get Ready” is, as I noted, an all-time fave of mine. And then Crystal sang:

:: Crystal just beat the other contestants up, took their lunch money, went back in time, invested their lunch money in Microsoft in 1979, came back to the present, cashed in her stocks, and then bought a dump truck to carry away the wreckage of the other contestants’ dreams. THAT WAS THE BEST THING I’VE HEARD THIS SEASON ON IDOL.

Seriously, she was amazing. It was far and away better than any of the other performances.

To wrap up, here’s the great Rod Stewart/Jeff Beck cover of “People Get Ready”, from the mid-80s:

Next week…jeez, can I keep this up….

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Teevee!

I’m grabbing this from SamuraiFrog:

Pick five of your favorite shows, in no particular order, before you read the below questions, then answer them!

OK:

1. Firefly
2. Scrubs
3. The West Wing
4. Friends
5. Grey’s Anatomy

01. Who’s your favorite character in 2?

The Janitor, whose name was never given — he was simply The Janitor. I loved his long-running antagonism with JD, and some of the increasingly whacky stuff he came up with over the years on the show, such as his preferred cocktail, “jum and tonic”: gin, rum, and tonic.

02. Who’s your least favorite character in 1?

It took most of the existing episodes before I warmed up to Simon.

03. What’s your favorite episode of 4?

“The One With the Holiday Armadillo”. Ross is desperate to explain Hannukah to his son, who is psyched up for Christmas, so Ross decides to dress up as Santa in order to give the kid a Hannukah lesson. Why Ross thinks this will work is beyond me, but who cares? The costume place is out of Santa costumes, so Ross ends up dressed as a giant armadillo, the Holiday Armadillo — “Santa’s representatives for all the Southern states, and…Mexico!” I really think that, for all its popularity when it was on, Friends is underappreciated these days.

04. What’s your favorite season of 5?

Believe it or not, the current one! I actually noted why a couple of weeks back. My favorite characters are all changing and growing, while my least favorite two characters are gone. (Yes, George’s demise was shocking and even may have brought a tear or two, but by and large, I didn’t like the guy all that much. And I have hated Izzie since Season One.)

05. Who is your favorite ship in 3?

Huh? Ship? As in, spaceship? Or “ship” as short for “relationship”? The marriage dynamic between President Jed Bartlet and First Lady Abbey Bartlet was always terrific, but Josh and Donna were done so well — even their eventual union.

06. Who is your anti-ship in 2?

Does this mean, “relationship I would have preferred to not happen”? I think Scrubs dragged the JD-and-Elliot thing on a little farther than it probably needed to.

07. How long have you watched 1?

OK, the problem with this quiz is that I keep having to scroll back up and remember which series is which. I didn’t watch Firefly all the way through until several years after its FOX-hobbled original run, on DVD. I’ve really only watched it all the way through once. I suppose I’m due.

08. How did you become interested in 3?

Midway through Season One. I don’t recall why I didn’t watch from the premiere, but when I finally caught an entire episode about halfway through (“Celestial Navigation”, actually), I was hooked. I’d already been a big fan of Aaron Sorkin’s, but I wasn’t on board with TWW right away.

09. Who’s your favorite actor/actress in 4?

Actor: Matthew Perry. Actress: Jennifer Aniston.

10. Which do you prefer: Show 1, 2 or 5?

I suppose Firefly, just because it hits so many of my sweet spots — dialog, space opera, a cast with four terrific women….

11. Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3?

In terms of numbers, The West Wing — it had seven seasons versus Firefly‘s one. In terms of percentage of the show’s episodes, Firefly — there were some episodes of TWW in its sixth and early seventh seasons that I missed, owing to the show’s relocation to a bad Sunday timeslot.

12. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

Gunther, the coffee house guy.

13. How would you kill off your favorite character in 1?

Well, I’m not sure, but I do know that Captain Malcolm Reynolds has to go down either at the controls of his ship, or with his revolver in his hand.

14. Give a random quote from 1.

“Well, somethin’ about that is just downright unsettlin’.” (Jayne Cobb, “War Stories”)

15. Which character from 5 would be a good guest star on 2?

Wow, that’s odd — by sheer chance I chose shows in those spots that are both hospital-based. So what Grey’s character would be good for Scrubs? Hmmmm…Dr. Cox could butt heads impressively with Dr. Bailey, right? And pairing sex-crazed Dr. Todd (“The Todd”) with sex-crazed Dr. Sloan might be interesting. But it would be funny to hear the dueling inner monologues of Drs. Dorian and Grey, who narrate their respective shows. Fun wow!

16. Would a 3/4 crossover work?

I don’t see how — would President Bartlet stop in at Central Perk for a coffee? Maybe Monica could be hired as a White House chef…actually, come to think of it, there are some ways that could work.

17. Pair 2 characters in 1 that would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple.

Mal and River. Especially after the last scene in Serenity.

18. Has 5 inspired you in any way?

Maybe in the way that well-written shows (and movies, and books, and comics) inspire me to write.

19. Overall, which show has a better cast, 2 or 4?

Both shows were perfectly cast.

20. Which has better theme music, 3 or 5?

The West Wing; Grey’s doesn’t even have theme music of which I am aware. Grey’s relies on songs — pop, rock, Indie stuff — for most of its “scoring”, where TWW mostly uses music composed by long-time teevee composer W. Snuffy Walden (along with the occasional pop or rock song). Purely for theme music, TWW‘s is one of my favorite teevee themes, with its “patriotic” sound and the way it ends on an unresolved chord, suggesting that the work of State is never complete. Grey’s usually opens with a long opening segment that eventually fades to the show’s title, and then the credits roll over the first segment after the first commercial break.

I’m adding one final question to this:

21. Name a few “young” shows you watch now that might provisionally appear on the version of this quiz you do five years from now.

Castle
The Mentalist
The Office
30Rock

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My IDOL thoughts

This was Elvis week on American Idol. What I said on Facebook:

:: Adam Lambert is the celebrity mentor? OK…at least they’re not trying to stretch this crap out to two hours this week…. (I liked Adam last year, but it struck me as odd that last year’s runner-up would be a mentor this year.)

:: Elvis night. I like Elvis, but these contestants…ooooooh, this could be ugly….

:: Crystal: She’s really good. So the way this year is going, she’ll be voted off long before the finale. (I’m making it official right now: there’s no way Crystal wins, even though she is far and away the best performer and singer and instrumentalist and all-around musician this year. She is, quite simply, too good to win.)

:: Andrew: OK, I guess. I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t terribly thrilling, either. A good, solid “Meh”. (The judges hated this. Go figure. I didn’t think it was as awful as they did. Andrew’s IDOL career is surely about to end, though; there’s no way he’s got more than another week or two in him, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see him go tomorrow night.)

:: Tim: He just doesn’t have the voice to do this. In the hands of a better singer, this would be really nice. But it’s not. He’s singing bad notes and his voice has zero heft to it. (And the judges loved this! How is that possible? Tim sang actual wrong notes, and his voice is thin and reedy. Tim’s got that lovable mop of hair and the most sincere eyes in human history. Seriously, if you could take the sincerity in Tim’s eyes and embody it in a pumpkin patch, you’d know for all time from where the Great Pumpkin was going to rise. Tim’s voice, though, is the chink in his armor, his Achilles heel, his Maginot line, his Spanish Armada, his land war in Asia, his…well, you know.)

:: Lee: This is better than last week (I thought his “Hey Jude” was a crime against humanity), but you know what? I don’t like this guy. I hate his “Young Joe Cocker” voice. I hate the way he bobs his head all over when he sings. I hate how he shouts as much as Siobhan screams. I just don’t like this guy. Which means he’s your next American Idol! (I thought this performance was awful.) (Something about Lee really turns me off in a big way. He just seems so inauthentic every week. Lee reminds me of the 22-year-old kid who thinks that becoming a shift manager at McDonalds is a major professional accomplishment. He’s the bank teller you see at the bar after work who gets a drink or two in him and takes a shot at the karaoke machine. And yet, somehow he has everyone convinced he’s all kinds of awesome. I do not get it.)

:: Aaron: Nothing makes me want to vomit more than a 17-year-old kid who weighs less than half of what I weigh trying to act sexy. Did not like this performance, either. It was enormously fake. (Remember Kevin Covais, the unimaginably annoying gangly kid with the awful voice from a few years back who nevertheless made it into the Top Ten? Aaron is this year’s Kevin Covais, except he has a slightly better voice. Or he’s David Archuleta with a slightly worse voice. Either way, I find watching him painful.)

:: Siobhan: Why oh why oh why WON’T YOU STOP SCREAMING !!! This was three-quarters of a really good performance marred by AWFUL SCREAMING. (And I hate her hair.) (I should like Siobhan. She’s pretty unique, she’s an apprentice glassblower in civilian life, et cetera…but she insists on screaming part of her song every week. I’ve yet to enjoy a performance of hers very much. Simon called her performance “screechy”, and she got this stunned expression on her face, as if Simon had just grabbed her pet kitten and pureed it in a blender. And her hair? Seriously, it was awful. All I could think of was the fluffed-out feathers on the heads of the chickens every year at the Erie County Fair. Think I’m kidding? Here’s a chicken I saw one year. That’s seriously what Siobhan’s hair looked like tonight.)

:: On IDOL in general: I’m really tired of choreographed performances like Siobhan’s (but they all do it sooner or later), where they start in one spot on the stage, sing, make certain facial expressions of hand gestures at specific points in the song, et cetera. If I want that, I’ll watch “Cats” or “Les Miz” on DVD. (Siobhan starts on the big staircase on stage, her back to the audience. She starts singing into the camera, which starts to sweep around after the first phrase is complete. She turns and starts descending the stairs, singing as she goes, carefully stepping in beat with the music, making hand gestures at specific beats, et cetera. It was SO inauthentic. She was a glaring example, but it happens constantly on IDOL.)

:: Michael: This was his best performance yet. Simple, elegant, and he really connected with the tune. I liked this a lot. Good for him! (He did an acoustic guitar version of “In the Ghetto”. He kept it fairly understated, and didn’t do much of the Luther Vandross vocal gyration stuff that he’s been doing a lot of. I liked this performance a great deal.)

:: Katie: Again, I’m creeped out by the teenager trying to act sexy. She’s got a terrific voice. Every year there’s a young kid with a big voice who just doesn’t seem to have the life experience to make the performances really convincing, and this year, Katie’s the one. She sang it well, though. (Great voice, but the memory of her performances starts to fade as soon as we’ve cut to commercial. In five years, she’ll be a MUCH better performer than she is now. She’s certainly got the instrument, though.)

:: Casey: Not bad, not great. His vibrato is kind of off-putting. This was OK. (I didn’t much like him at first, but he’s improved steadily until I like him quite a bit. This week he didn’t make any new ground. Didn’t lose any, either, but it wasn’t great.)

The judges didn’t annoy me too much this week, aside from their bizarre love of Tim’s performance this week and their continued fascination with Lee. Two contestants get the heave-ho this week. Bummer, but them’s the rules, eh?

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IDOL Redux

I don’t know if I’ll do this each week out, but here are all of the things I posted to Facebook while this week’s American Idol performance show was in progress:

1. Time for IDOL! Which means three minutes of Awesome (Crystal) surrounded by generous helpings of Meh, with a couple of nice-sized dollops of FAIL.

2. Siobhan: Why is she good, again? Because all I hear is a damn screeching machine. Bleccchhh.

3. Casey James: Way better than Siobhan. His eterni-grin is a bit distracting, and this song is exactly vocally demanding. This guy isn’t made to sing the kind of stuff an Idol winner has to sing, though.

4. Michael: Huh. I liked that performance a lot. Good job for him.

5. Didi: Now, there’s the Meh.

6. Ahhhh, Tim is singing now. And somewhere in America, Lilly Scott just emptied a revolver into her teevee.

7. Andrew seems to have found some of his mojo again. This is actually a pretty good performance after he was staggeringly awful last week.

8. Katie: Meh. (But to be fair, I’ve never been a big fan of this song, so it would have to be an extraordinary performance to trip my trigger. I guess she’s doing OK with it.)

9. HEY IDOL JUDGES: Great songs are great songs. Screw the “Do something contemporary” nonsense.

10. Lee: I didn’t think he was as good as the judges do, but he was pretty good. This episode has been the most enjoyable of this season. Only two Meh’s and one disaster thus far!

11. Crystal: Yeah, that’s the stuff! (And Randy? Nobody gives a shit if you like the outfit. Shut the f*** up about what everybody’s wearing.)

12. Every time I see Aaron, I have flashbacks to the first season of “Malcolm in the Middle”. And he’s got his hair in a faux-hawk. And he’s not that good a singer. Meh!

13. Flip a coin: Didi or Tim should go.

Why Randy Jackson feels the need to comment on everybody’s clothes is beyond me. I also tire of Kara Dioguardi’s tendency to say stuff; the show would be better served if the camera just panned past her. And I’m really tired of hearing judges tell contestants that they should do something “more contemporary” or that what they did is “old-fashioned”.

Anyhow, there it is. This season has so far been a lot less good than previous years, because the singers have been awfully mediocre. But this week’s show was better than it’s been thus far.

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Thank God he’s not MY former Governor!

On The Celebrity Apprentice: Geez, is Rod Blagojovich sleazy or what? Every time he’s on screen, I feel like I’m watching Michael Scott’s evil twin. Ye Gods. Illinois, how did you elect this guy?

(I know, I know, like New York State government is some kind of beautiful exemplar of governance….)

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