Get that man a hair shirt.

I’m not big on mocking people’s religious beliefs, generally, but I’ve just seen in this FSM Message Board thread where some guy declares that he’s so conservative a Christian that he refuses to see Return of the Jedi. Why? Because of Princess Leia’s five minutes of screen time in that gold bikini. To this person, that constitutes “soft porn”.

I’m sorry, but I just cannot take seriously any person’s religious convictions when those convictions have them running screaming from any possible hint of Teh Boobiez. (Of course, I’m also a person who found Princess Leia’s Ewok dress a lot more my speed…and that long, long hair….)

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Lazy Linkage

:: Mrs. M-Mv has a link to a list of the best novels you’ve never read. Sure enough, I haven’t read any of them, but I do own a copy of one of them, so I’m ahead of the curve, right?

(And hey, why did I never think of making a reading list before? Up ’til now, my “reading lists” have taken the form of shelves full of books and stacks of books on the floor and on my table and by my bed. A list would take up a lot less space, I bet.)

:: Lynn links a pretty amazing photo.

:: PNH has a pretty amazing photo too.

:: OK, I’ll breathe slightly easier for now: The SFBC’s new editor actually has experience in SF. Still sucks for the old editor, but maybe the club isn’t being fast-tracked for an early shut-down after all.

:: Mr. Bennion links a guy who’s provided some handy sense of scale for the USS Enterprise-D. In comments, I directed Mr. Bennion to Starship Dimensions, a site I’ve linked before but which always bears revisiting for geeks.

:: A couple of guides for responding to global-warming denialists, here and here.

:: My space-opera reading project has brought me to a new obsession. The first volume was terrific, and I’m tracking down the remaining volumes as we speak. Or as I write this. Or something like that.

:: Alex Ross on great comedic film scores. If we include the musical genre in our notion of film scores — for some reason, musical scores never seem to get much discussion from film music afficionadoes — then there are tons of great comedy filmscores. Lisa Hirsch has a pretty good answer.

:: Belladonna is going on a potentially permanent hiatus. This saddens me; she’s one of my favorite blog-finds of the last year or however long it’s been since I discovered her blog.

:: Stephen Frug isn’t going on hiatus, but he’s forecasting a greatly reduced posting schedule. I refer the my right honorable friends to the reply I made some moments ago.

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Seeing the monitor through the spittle

Matthew Yglesias cites this item by New Republic editor-in-chief Marty Peretz. Parse the key passage, if you can:

This will annoy what’s his name who blogs a lot about me. Has he nothing better to blog about? Actually, that’s how makes a living: by writing about people who are smarter than him and know more about the world than him. And since neither smarts not knowledge carry much cachet; with the left blogosphere (also not with the right blogosphere) its stars like what’s his name ridicule the writers whose arguments he can’t quite grasp.

Focus on that last sentence. It’s a train wreck of both thought and grammar. Just what you want in an editor.

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He never even got to order “steady as she goes”!

Sometimes in life, the wrong people get promoted to positions of management or authority or, in the military, to command. It happens. We don’t always put the right people in charge, and lots of times, people who demonstrate that they may have the makeup for leadership turn out not to once they’re asked to actually lead. This explains how Michael Scott gets to be the boss on The Office.

This even happens in the United States Navy, where ship commanders can be fired “for many reasons, including fostering a poor command climate, breaking wartime rules of engagement, or failing to enforce safety measures”. And sure enough, the Navy this week has had to remove two commanding officers from their posts. One was removed from his command of the USS Higgins, a destroyer that is headed for the Persian Gulf. The other was relieved of command of the USS Constitution, which is…the famed War of 1812 vessel that sits in dock in Boston Harbor as a tourist attraction.

One has to wonder just what this man did to warrant causing the Navy to lose confidence in his ability to command a ship that never sails. (Well, it rarely sails, and even then, not very far. It’s not like he has to navigate the vessel from Boston to Roanoke and back.) Obviously it has to do with his administrative duties, and the Navy’s decision is, I’m sure, warranted. It’s just that there’s some cognitive dissonance over the Navy losing confidence in the command abilities of the skipper of a ship that literally never goes anywhere.

(via)

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Sarcasm in Print

I’m seeing linked all over the place a letter that appeared in an Arkansas newspaper:

You may have noticed that March of this year was particularly hot. As a matter of fact, I understand that it was the hottest March since the beginning of the last century. All of the trees were fully leafed out and legions of bugs and snakes were crawling around during a time in Arkansas when, on a normal year, we might see a snowflake or two. This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they ?

Perhaps this is another plot by a liberal Congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before Congress passes laws with such far-reaching effects.

However, according to Snopes.com, the writer of this letter has in the past written some highly sarcastic letters to the editors of that same paper, so it’s likely that what’s going on here is a bit of “Modest Proposal”-type satire. (I didn’t say it was good satire, but it probably is satire.)

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I’m not putting MY lips there!

I don’t usually blog about work, but this seems fairly harmless. In the back of our store, roughly in the middle of the Grocery area, we have a display spot that we always use for various promotions that are going on at any one time. Last month we had a NCAA Final Four-themed display, for instance. And right now, that small display area is devoted to various items that we carry whose manufacturers are doing promotional tie-ins with the impending release of Shrek the Third.

We always have special decorative signage for these displays. Some of these signs we make ourselves; others are provided by our vendors. Right now we have a giant inflatable Shrek hanging from the ceiling; this came from a vendor. When I say “giant”, I mean, this thing is big. We’re talking about seven feet tall. “Life-size”, I suppose; Shrek always looks like a pretty big fellow in the movies.

Note that I said that Shrek is inflatable. Which means that he’s made of that thick plastic that they make beach balls out of, and which also means that somewhere on his body is a little plastic valve and nozzle where one engages in the act of, well, blowing Shrek up.

And when they were manufacturing these giant inflatable Shreks, where do you suppose they located that little plastic valve? At the center of his posterior, obviously. So when we eventually deflate him, there’s a good chance that our big Shrek will turn out to be a giant whoopee cushion.

I swear I am not making this up.

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Stuff

A few lazy links:

:: It somehow escaped my notice until just a few days ago that one of the Buffalo News‘s new blogs is devoted to poetry. That’s pretty cool.

:: Good article in the News today by Larry Quinn, one of the big wheels behind the eternal project of developing Buffalo’s waterfront, whose big thing right now is the Bass Pro project. A sample:

They want to fight about where the plaza ought to be, as if there is a substantial difference between the new and old location.

They don’t want parking, as if any project could conceivably be successful without it.

They don’t want big-box stores, as if reconstructing the Central Wharf is analogous to erecting a single-story cinder-block building in a sea of asphalt.

They think the project costs the public too much, as if leaving the ground vacant for the last 70 years didn’t cost us millions upon millions. They ignore the tens of millions of dollars to be generated in sales and property taxes and the economic impact of new jobs.

They don’t like the process; we apparently didn’t consult with the “right” people or the so-called business leaders who shoot arrows while hiding behind a veil of anonymity and offer nothing but criticism.

And on and on we go. With all due respect to Esmonde and Company, they really are missing the point.

What I never get is the whole objection to parking garages. It’s true that garages in Buffalo tend to be giant structures of ugly gray concrete, but that’s not true of other places. I sometimes wonder if people who complain about parking garages have ever been to, say, Toronto, where there are lots of parking garages that are virtually invisible as such from the street. Eaton Centre’s a good example, and I recall another such example in the vicinity of the Royal Ontario Museum. They don’t have to look like this:

:: I have a new review up at GMR of Caitlin R. Kiernan’s novel Daughter of Hounds. Short version: the book is excellent.

That’s all!

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A quiz thing

Geez, two angry rants in a row in this space. I need a quiz to push them down a bit, and here’s just the thing! I saw this on Andrew Wheeler‘s blog. (Bad enough that I keep giving the guy my money — he’s one of the honchos with the SF Book Club — but now I’m giving him traffic, too!)

What do you think about Ouija boards? Complete nonsense.

Your favorite TV shows? Scrubs, American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, The Office. I’m also enjoying NBC’s midseason show Raines, but I’m not holding my breath since the spectacular failure of the last midseason show I liked, Eyes (the Tim Daly private-eye caper show — did anybody besides me watch that?).

What’s on your mouse pad? My mouse. Duh.

Favorite board game: We just taught The Daughter checkers, so that’s probably it right now. Chess will come in a year or two. But I love Chinese checkers. Othello is fun, too. Some day I want to learn Go.

Favorite magazine: Just subscribed to Mental Floss, and that mag is just a ton of fun to read. I wish it came more often. I also still faithfully read WIRED (even though I still find their “Digital good, not-digital BAD” stance annoying at times).

Favorite smells: Cooking garlic and meat. The Chinese restaurant when I walk in. The main food alleys at the Erie County Fair. Maple. Tilled earth. Freshly-cut wood.

Worst feeling in the world: Losing a child.

Best feeling in the world: Ask me again when the Sabres win the Cup! But for now, noticing that The Daughter has learned something new, or getting a smile from a pretty woman. Good thing I married one.

Favorite soundtrack: Star Wars (all six), Lord of the Rings (all three).

What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: If I’m getting up for work: Ihatetheworldandeverythinginit. On my days off: Huh. I could sleep a little more. Think I will.

Roller coaster – scary or exciting? Fun, but I don’t like the upside-down ones.

How many rings before you answer the phone? Zero. We don’t answer the phone, and the ringer is shut off. If it’s important, we’ll get back to you. (Seriously. Why should I feel any requirement to answer the phone?)

Future daughter’s name:

Future son’s name: (You know, I’m going to avoid these ones for now.)

Favorite foods: See here. Not enough space here.

Chocolate or vanilla? Both! I reject your dichotomy! (But Dark Chocolate over Milk Chocolate; and French Vanilla or Vanilla Bean over regular vanilla.)

Do you like to drive? Yes.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? No.

Storms – cool or scary? Thrilling, actually. Except the ones that destroy stuff. Those aren’t very much fun at all.

What type was your first car: 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit with a diesel engine.

If you could meet one person dead or alive – who would it be? You know, I think I will now vow to never answer this question in any blog quiz again.

Favorite alcoholic drink: Spum-and-Coke. (“Spum” being “spiced rum”, of course. Since Spam is “spiced ham”.)

What is your zodiac sign? The Avenging Sword of Dismay and Doom. (I got bored with Libra, so I made up my own.)

Who is your favorite poet? Alfred Lord Tennyson

Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Broccoli is a vile, hateful thing that should be expunged forever from the Universe.

If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? Keeper of one of the Beacon Fires of Gondor.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be? Fiery red that might strike fear into the hearts of my foes.

Have you ever been in love? Are you kidding? My default reaction with stuff is to fall in love with it.

What is on your walls in your room? For the purposes of this quiz, I’ll assume “my room” to be my work area at home. I have two maps of the world, one a print of an antique Renaissance map and the other a National Geographic map of the world (both are now partially obscured by bookshelves), a wall sconce bearing a candle, and posters for Casablanca and Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Is the glass half empty or half full? The glass is always in flux. But the bottle? Ahhhh, that’s too empty. Gotta get to the store this weekend.

What is your favorite Snapple? Oddly, I no longer drink Snapple. No real reason; I just like other stuff now. Like that Vitamin Water stuff. And pomegranate juice, but that crap is expensive. Boy howdy.

Favorite movie(s): Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, My Fair Lady, Casablanca, and so on.

Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrous? Right handed.

Do you type with your fingers on the proper keys? No. And I still type at around 70 wpm.

What’s under your bed? The bodies. Oh yes, the bodies….

What is your favorite number? Pi, because it rhymes with pie and I like pie.

Favorite sport to watch: Football and figure skating. (Were the World Championships even televised this year? Did I miss them that completely?) And here’s an embarrassing admission for a Buffalonian: I’ve always had a hard time watching hockey on TV, so much so that I actually liked it when they superimposed that little dot over the puck for a while and did this “streaking laser” thing when the puck was shot.

Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you: Well, I don’t know him personally, but I’ll ask a favor that he go a few months without putting books I want into the SFBC flyer, so I can get caught up on some reading and bills? Please?

[Two questions from this quiz’s original e-mail circulation genesis removed]

Favorite quote: Too many to list, but I’ll note one thing I once read in a book of funny quotes. Apparently there was once a photo in a sports magazine of the officials with the stop watches in a track-and-field event, which was captioned thusly: “These are the souls that time men’s tries”. I love that.

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I don’t understand the world

I just don’t get this world we live in sometimes.

Actually, I never get this world we live in. Not one bit.

UPDATE: Oh, my God:

THE FIRST SHOOTING TOOK PLACE AT AROUND 7AM. I WENT TO CLASS AT 9AM. THEY DIDN’T CLOSE CAMPUS UNTIL 10AM.

More here.

UPDATE II: Sorry, folks, but this pretty much kills my mood for blogging today. I’ll have Sentential Links and some other stuff up tomorrow.

It seems trite to offer condolences, but I offer them anyway to the families and friends and neighbors of those killed or injured today.

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That’s quite the headscratcher….

As of this writing, we’re watching the news on Channel 7 while we wait for the load of laundry to dry. They’re reporting on a guy who brought a handgun with him into the Seneca Niagara Casino in Niagara Falls, which he then used right on the gaming floor to commit suicide. And the angle Channel 7 keeps using the angle on their coverage of “How could this man possibly bring a gun into the Casino!!!”

The Casino spokesperson indicates that they have security personnel stationed about the place [Duh! Show me a casino that has no security personnel on the gaming floor, anywhere!], they have surveillance cameras, and — this cracked me up — they have a sign prominently posted at all entrances indicating that firearms are not permitted!

Well, I’m baffled too, then, because once you put up a sign forbidding Behavior X, Behavior X is never a problem again. That’s why nobody exceeds the speed limits on the highways! It all fits! I’ll bet that the key to Peace in the Middle East would simply be to plaster the entire region with signage reading, “Blowing shit up is expressly forbidden by law.”

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