Fixing the Prequels: Attack of the Clones (part five)

part one
part two
part three
part four

Before resuming with Attack of the Clones, I note the existence of Darths and Droids, a comic strip not unlike Shamus Young’s DM of the Rings, which even now, more than a year after its completion, still brings a few visitors to this blog every day, owing to his link to me in the commentary on this installment. The notion of Darths is simple: what if the story of Star Wars, beginning with The Phantom Menace, actually came about via a role-playing campaign? I’ve actually looked in on Darths before, but I haven’t been following it in detail, so I’ll try to get caught up over the next short while.

Anyway, Shamus also mentions an interview with the Darths creative team, in which one of them notes that close mining of the movies for comic strip material has led to a greater approach for the movies. I say, “Great!”, although given my own process with the Fixing the Prequels series, I wonder what effect it’ll have. I haven’t watch The Phantom Menace all the way through since I wrapped up fixing it, so I don’t yet know if I’ll be able to watch it without summoning up all of my repairs in my head. I certainly hope I can; I don’t want to not like these movies.

And with that, time to get back to AOTC.

Anakin and Padme have just left Coruscant for Naboo, with R2-D2 tagging along. (You know, what I wouldn’t give to basically be able to go through life with a sentient mobile toolbox trundling along behind me. Wow, that would be useful.) While Anakin is playing bodyguard to the Senator, Obi Wan is doing his Sam Spade of the Stars bit.

In the script, and in a scene which was shot but edited out, Obi Wan takes the mysterious toxic dart to the analysis droids in the Jedi Temple, only to have them tell him that they can’t identify the thing. This scene doesn’t accomplish anything, and watching it on the DVD’s deleted scenes, it’s not even that cool of an effects scene (just more CG droids doing CG droid stuff), and it ends with a goofy bit where Obi Wan looks at the dart in his fingers and says “I know who can identify this!” It’s a funny line delivery, and it naturally makes one ask, “Well, why didn’t you go there in the first place, dummy?”

So Obi Wan heads off to visit an old friend of his, a big fat alien who is the cook in a diner:

EXTERIOR: CORUSCANT, DOWNTOWN, BACK STREET – MORNING

OBI-WAN walks down the street. It is a pretty tough part of town. Old buildings, warehouses, beat up speeders and transporter rigs thundering past. Above, the old elevated monospeed with occasional “shiny freighters” hissing through.

OBI-WAN comes to a kind of alien diner. On the steamed-up windows it says “DEX’S DINER” in alien lettering. He goes inside.

In the movie, Dex’s Diner isn’t in a seedy part of town; it’s all bright and shiny, looking more like one of those retro-diners you’ll find in cities these days than an actual diner. I think this is a bit of a film-making error; they should have done the “diner in a seedy town” bit. As it is, it looks like Obi Wan is going to Johnny Rocket’s.

INTERIOR: CORUSCANT, DEX’S DINER – MORNING

A WAITRESS DROID is carrying plates of half-eaten food. There is a counter with stools and a line of booths along the wall by the window. A number of CUSTOMERS are eating – TOUGH-LOOKING WORKERS, FREIGHTER DRIVERS, ETC. The WAITRESS DROID looks up as OBI-WAN comes in.

WAITRESS DROID: Can I help ya?

OBI-WAN: I’m looking for Dexter.

The WAITRESS DROID approaches OBI-WAN.

WAITRESS DROID: Waddya want him for?

OBI-WAN: He’s not in trouble. It’s personal.

There is a brief pause. Then the DROID goes to the open serving hatch behind the counter.

WIITRESS DROID: Someone to see ya, honey. (lowering her voice) A Jedi, by the looks of him.

Steam billows out from the kitchen hatch behind the counter as a huge head pokes through.

DEXTER JETTSTER: Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN: Hey, Dex.

DEXTER JETTSTER: Take a seat! Be right with ya!

OBI-WAN sits in a booth.

WAITRESS DROID: You want a cup of ardees?

OBI-WAN: Oh yes, thank you.

The WAITRESS DROID moves off as the door to the counter opens and DEXTER JETTSTER appears. He is big – bald and sweaty, old and alien. Not someone to tangle with. He arrives, beaming hugely.

DEXTER JETTSTER: Hey, ol’ buddy!

OBI-WAN: Hey, Dex.

DEXTER eases himself into the seat opposite OBI-WAN. He can just make it.

DEXTER JETTSTER: So, my friend. What can I do for ya?

OBI-WAN: You can tell me what this is.

OBI-WAN places the dart on the table between them. DEX’S eyes widen. He puts down his mug.

DEXTER JETTSTER: (softly) Well, whaddya know…

DEXTER picks up the dart delicately between his puffy fingers and peers at it.

DEXTER JETTSTER: I ain’t seen one of these since I was prospecting on Subterrel beyond the Outer Rim!

OBI-WAN: Can you tell me where it came from?

DEXTER grins. He puts the dart down between them.

DEXTER JETTSTER: This baby belongs to them cloners. What you got here is a Kamino saberdart.

OBI-WAN: Kamino saberdart? …I wonder why it didn’t show up in our analysis archive.

DEXTER JETTSTER: It’s these funny little cuts on the side give it away… Those analysis droids you’ve got over there only focus on symbols, you know. I should think you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

OBI-WAN: Well, Dex, if droids could think, we wouldn’t be here, would we? (laughing) Kamino… doesn’t sound familiar. Is it part of the Republic?

DEXTER JETTSTER: No, it’s beyond the Outer Rim. I’d say about twelve parsecs outside the Rishi Maze, toward the south. It should be easy to find, even for those droids in your archive. These Kaminoans keep to themselves. They’re cloners. Damned good ones, too.

OBI-WAN picks up the dart, holding it midway between them.

OBI-WAN: Cloners? Are they friendly?

DEXTER JETTSTER: It depends.

OBI-WAN: On what, Dex?

Dexter grins.

DEXTER JETTSTER: On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is…

I’ve always liked this scene. The bit at the beginning here, where Obi Wan asks for Dex and has to assure the waitress that he’s not there to arrest Dex or anything, isn’t in the film, and I’d put it back in. I would also have liked a couple of reaction shots from the denizens of the diner as a Jedi walks in; maybe somebody casually sliding their briefcase under the table or something like that. But I love the visual of a 1950s diner in the middle of Coruscant, and the ultimate waitress-on-roller skates.

That line of Obi Wan’s, about droids not being able to think, shows a certain attitude toward droids that tends to show up sporadically throughout the entire SW Saga; most notable is in ANH, when Luke enters the cantina and the barkeep tells him that R2 and C-3PO have to wait outside. Droids just aren’t seen as anything more than useful tools, which could explain some of the lackadaisical attitude toward them throughout the series – such as nobody particularly worrying about R2’s memories after the events of RotS.

Anyway, Dex takes one look at the dart and identifies it as being from Kamino. Here we have more implied facts about the SW universe: that the Republic doesn’t control everything, namely. I’d like to have heard a bit more about the fact that the Kaminoans are cloners. Obi Wan seems genuinely surprised to hear that there are still cloners about somewhere, and I’d amend this line a bit:

OBI WAN: Cloners. No wonder they keep to themselves, then.

DEX: Your Republic has never much liked cloners.

OBI WAN: With good reason. We don’t want systems able to grow their own armies, do we?

DEX: And yet the Trade Federation and its allies build themselves droid armies. One wonders what the difference might be.

OBI WAN: Cloning is a dangerous business to be in. Kamino – are they friendly?

Something like that. If cloning on a mass scale is possible in the SW universe, why isn’t the galaxy overrun with clones? Who knows? (Maybe this point has been addressed in some Extended Universe book or comic, but I don’t deal with that at all, just the stuff in the movies.)

Anyhow, Obi Wan now has his first solid lead, and now he’s off to follow it up, by going back to the Jedi Temple to see if he can figure out where Kamino is located. He consults with the Galaxy’s least helpful librarian, but before he does, he has a conversation with her that was cut from the movie:

EXTERIOR: JEDI TEMPLE – DAY

The main entrance at the base of the huge Temple is bustling with activity. All sorts of JEDI are coming and going.

INTERIOR: JEDI TEMPLE, ARCHIVE LIBRARY – DAY

A bronze bust of Count Dooku stands among a line of other busts of Jedi in the Archive Room. OBI-WAN stands in front of it, studying the striking features of the chiseled face. On the walls, lighted computer panels seem to stretch into infinity. Farther along the room in the background, FIVE JEDI are seated at tables, studying archive material. After OBI-WAN studies the bust for a few moments before
MADAME JOCASTA NU, the Jedi Archivist, is standing next to him. She is an elderly, frail-looking human Jedi. Tough as old boots and smart as a whip.

JOCASTA NU: Did you call for assistance?

OBI-WAN: (distracted in thought) Yes… yes, I did…

JOCASTA NU: He has a powerful face, doesn’t he? He was one of the most brilliant Jedi I have had the privilege of knowing.

OBI-WAN: I never understood why he quit. Only twenty Jedi have ever left the Order.

JOCASTA NU: (sighs) The Lost Twenty… Count Dooku was the most recent and the most painful. No one likes to talk about it. His leaving was a great loss to the Order.

OBI-WAN: What happened?

JOCASTA NU: Well, Count Dooku was always a bit out of step with the decisions of the Council…much like your old Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.

She gestures to another nearby statue, this one of none other than QUI GON.

[OK, I put that bit in myself, the statue of Qui Gon. There’s a reason for this that will eventually become clear.]

OBI-WAN: (surprised) Really?

JOCASTA NU: Oh, yes. They were alike in many ways. Very individual thinkers… idealists…

JOCASTA NU gazes at the bust.

JOCASTA NU: He was always striving to become a more powerful Jedi. He wanted to be the best. With a lightsaber, in the old style of fencing, he had no match. His knowledge of the Force was… unique. In the end, I think he left because he lost faith in the Republic. He believed that politics were corrupt, and he felt the Jedi betrayed themselves by serving the politicians. He always had very high expectations of government. He disappeared for nine or ten years, then just showed up recently as the head of the separatist movement.

OBI-WAN: It’s very interesting. I’m not sure I completely understand.

JOCASTA NU: Well, I’m sure you didn’t call me over here for a history lesson. Are you having a problem, Master Kenobi?

OBI-WAN: Yes, I’m trying to find a planet system called Kamino. It doesn’t seem to show up on any of the archive charts.

JOCASTA NU: Kamino? It’s not a system I’m familiar with…Let me see…

JOCASTA NU leans over OBI-WAN’S shoulder, looking at the screen.

JOCASTA NU: Are you sure you have the right coordinates?

OBI-WAN: (nodding) According to my information, it should be in this quadrant somewhere… just south of the Rishi Maze.

JOCASTA NU taps the keyboard and frowns.

[This next bit doesn’t occur in the film.]

JOCASTA NU: No coordinates? It sounds like the sort of directions you’d get from a street tout… some old miner or Furbog trader.

OBI-WAN: All three, actually.

JOCASTA NU: Are you sure it exists?

OBI-WAN: Absolutely.

JOCASTA NU: Let me do a gravitational scan.

OBI-WAN and JOCASTA NU study the star map hologram.

JOCASTA NU: There are some inconsistencies here. Maybe the planet you’re seeking was destroyed.

OBI-WAN: Wouldn’t that be on record?

JOCASTA NU: It ought to be, unless it was very recent. [Now we’re back to stuff that appears in the film.] (shakes her head) I hate to say it, but it looks like the system you’re searching for doesn’t exist.

OBI-WAN: That’s impossible… perhaps the archives are incomplete.

JOCASTA NU: The archives are comprehensive and totally secure, my young Jedi. One thing you may be absolutely sure of – if an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist!

OBI-WAN stares at her, then looks back to the map. JOCASTA NU notices a young boy approach. She turns from OBI-WAN and leaves with the youngster, turning back only briefly to say:

JOCASTA NU: Oh, and Master Kenobi, if you could ask your Padawan to kindly return that holocron of Downfall of the Hutts, it would be greatly appreciated.

She leaves, and Obi Wan continues to stare at the computer readout.

Well now – if you want to get on a librarian’s bad side, all you have to do is suggest that his or her library is not as comprehensive as it’s supposed to be! Maybe that bit I threw in at the end about Anakin having overdue materials is too cute, but hey, librarians are librarians.

But unpacking this a bit, I wish the material about Dooku had been included, for the same reason that I put an introduction of Dooku very early into the film (see Part One of this series). By the time we meet Dooku, we already know that he’s a bad guy and we know nothing else about him than that. This would flesh him out a bit, and also convey again how the Jedi believe one thing (that Dooku left for idealistic reasons) where the reality is, we will learn, something else (Dooku likely left because he’d been tempted by the Sith). Also, foreshadowing Dooku’s skill with the lightsaber wouldn’t be the worst idea; it would clarify a bit how Obi Wan was able to singlehandedly defeat Darth Maul but doesn’t last long at all against Darth Tyrannus (Dooku).

Onto the discussion of the whereabouts of Kamino, I like the bit where Jocasta Nu comments on the likely source of Obi Wan’s information, and in terms of the finished product, I loved the actress Lucas got to play the staid old Jedi librarian. It’s a good scene in the movie, but the scene as written is even better. Another case, I suspect, of Lucas’s goal for a certain running time to get in the way of some good storytelling.

The movie then cuts from Obi Wan to Anakin and Padme, who are en route for Naboo. Once again, some of the material in the script didn’t end up in the finished movie, so I’ve put that material in red:

EXTERIOR: SPACE, STARSHIP FREIGHTER

The massive, slow-moving Freighter moves through space.

INTERIOR: STARFREIGHTER, STEERAGE HOLD – DAY

The great, gloomy hold is crowded with EMIGRANTS and their belongings. To one side ARTOO is coming to the head of a food line holding two bowls. With one of his little claw arms, he grabs a chunk of something that looks like bread. ARTOO slips a tube into a tub of mush and sucks up a large quantity. A SERVER sees him.

SERVER: Hey! No Droids!

ARTOO takes one last big suck and heads away from the food line. The SERVER shouts after him angrily. The little droid moves past groups of eating or sleeping EMIGRANTS and comes to ANAKIN and PADMÉ’S table where ANAKIN is sound asleep. The young Jedi seems to be having a nightmare. He is very restless.

ANAKIN: No, no, Mom, no…

He is sweating. PADMÉ leans over resting her hand on his arm. He wakes up with a start, then realizes where he is. PADMÉ simply looks at him. He stares back, somewhat confused.

ANAKIN: What?

PADMÉ: You seemed to be having a nightmare.

ANAKIN looks at PADMÉ a little more closely, trying to see if he has revealed any of his secrets. She hands him a bowl of mush and bread.

PADMÉ: Are you hungry?

ANAKIN: Yeah.

PADMÉ takes the food from ARTOO and sets it on a make-shift table. ANAKIN rises and takes a seat as she places a bowl in front of him.

ANAKIN: Thanks.

PADMÉ: We went to lightspeed a while ago.

ANAKIN looks into PADMÉ’S eyes.

ANAKIN: I look forward to seeing Naboo again. I’ve thought about it every day since I left. It’s by far the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen…

PADMÉ is a little unnerved by his intense stare.

PADMÉ: It may not be as you remember it. Time changes perception.

ANAKIN: Sometimes it does… Sometimes for the better.

PADMÉ: It must be difficult having sworn your life to the Jedi… not being able to visit the places you like… or do the things you like…

ANAKIN: Or be with the people I love.

PADMÉ: Are you allowed to love? I thought it was forbidden for a Jedi.

ANAKIN: Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi’s life, so you might say we’re encouraged to love.

PADMÉ: You have changed so much.

ANAKIN: You haven’t changed a bit. You’re exactly the way I remember you in my dreams. I doubt if Naboo has changed much either.

PADMÉ: It hasn’t…

There is an awkward moment.

PADMÉ: (continuing; changing the subject) You were dreaming about your mother earlier, weren’t you?

ANAKIN: Yes… I left Tatooine so long ago, my memory of her is fading. I don’t want to lose it. Recently I’ve been seeing her in my dreams… vivid dreams… scary dreams. I worry about her.

PADMÉ gives ANAKIN a sympathetic look.

This little scene, as it happened in the movie, is actually one of my favorite scenes in the movie. It’s short and it’s quiet and it’s acted well; score another one for Lucas. I’ve always liked how Anakin casually steers the conversation toward love, but also manages to make it sound benign. It’s just a well-done little scene, and I like it a good deal.

But reading the original script, I do also like the idea of Padme waking Anakin from one of his bad dreams. That’s a good idea, and I’m surprised Lucas either shot it and cut it out or omitted it entirely. We really need to see that Anakin’s dreams about his mother are intense and disturbing to him, and that’s something that the finished film doesn’t convey terribly well. What I would not do is have Anakin explain the dreams to Padme, just yet. I’d finish the scene off thusly:

PADME: Your dream – it was about your mother, wasn’t it?

Anakin meets her eyes, his look suddenly vulnerable, and looks away quickly.

PADME: I remember how much you hated leaving her, even though it was to go join the Jedi.

Anakin looks like he wants to say something…but then:

ANAKIN: Uh, I want some more of that tea from earlier. Would you like some?

Padme nods, and Anakin quickly excuses himself from the table, and from this line of conversation. Padme glances at Artoo, who gives a sympathetic beep.

What I’m after here is setting up more of the conflict inside Anakin that will eventually lead to his downfall (and, many years later, his redemption). Even though he is desperately in love with Padme, it’s a very immature love at this point, so I don’t think he’d be ready just yet to trust her with his innermost fears about what may be happening to his mother. (And since this scene is more from Padme’s POV than Anakin’s, I would not do what I did earlier and include an actual look into Anakin’s dream.)

The other material here that wasn’t in the movie, the stuff about how beautiful Naboo is? I’m not sure if I’d put that back in or not. It wouldn’t make the scene take a whole lot longer, and it might help make it seem as if Anakin’s not quite as obsessive about Padme as we know he is, but I’m not sure it really adds anything that must be there. I’d flip a coin, maybe.

OK, this has been a fairly long entry, so here is where we’ll stop. Next time we’ll criticize Yoda’s teaching technique, and we’ll look in what happened when Padme brought Anakin to her home to meet her family, in a long string of scenes deleted from the final film. Star Wars Episode Two: Meet the Parents? Star Wars Episode II: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? Well, it’s not as bad as all that, as we’ll see then. Excelsior, Star Warriors!

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Watching 24: 5 pm to 6 pm

Wow! Proof that I don’t wear overalls ALL the time. How about that! But with this, I am now up-to-date on my episodes of 24.

Here I provide an exaggerated reaction to a pretty good little car chase that opened this week’s episode, with Jack and Renee pursuing Dubaku. Did they get him?

[SPOILERS – highlight to read]

Well, sure — after Dubaku’s girlfriend reached forward and covered the driver’s eyes or grabbed his arms or something, causing him to crash. She died in the resulting wreck, sadly enough — another 24 cast member who pays the ultimate sacrifice for being unlucky enough to meet Jack Bauer. Meeting Jack Bauer tends to be a cause of soon and sudden violent death, doesn’t it?

Anyway, there’s something else that bugged me a bit in this episode. After the chase ends and they have Dubaku in custody, Jack has the EMTs cut into Dubaku’s torso so as to get at the flash drive he has had implanted there. On this flash drive is a list of all his co-conspirators in the US government, and it’s the only copy of the database they know to exist. This is a HUGE piece of evidence, and Jack has to make sure it gets to the people at the FBI. So does he take it there himself? No — he has some cop do it, a cop he’s never met before. Huh-whuh?! The most important piece of evidence in this entire case finally comes into your possession, and you entrust it to some dude you’ve never ever seen before? That struck me as terribly, terribly odd for Jack to do. But anyway.

Note the SPOILER text above. That’s because I’m invoking a new rule. Last week, while driving to the library on Thursday, I was listening to Schopp and the Bulldog, which is a show on our local sports talk radio station featuring Mike Schopp and a guy who goes by “Bulldog”. Hence the title. Anyway, they have a daily feature called “Ten Opinions in a Row”, in which they trade opinions on anything they want, sports-related or no. Well, one of them — Bulldog, I think — starts to give an opinion on that week’s episode of 24, which had aired just three nights before; he gave away the episode’s plot twists and discussed the preview for next week’s episode. But I hadn’t yet watched that week’s episode, so I was already a bit annoyed.

But then the other one started to do the very same thing, but instead of 24, he was talking about LOST, and suddenly Bulldog and the other guy in the booth (there’s a third guy who’s always there, even though the show doesn’t have his name on it) start shushing Schopp because he’s giving away spoilers! And I’m thinking, you just spoiled the hell out of 24, so why is LOST sacred as to spoilerage? Well, someone else made that point, saying “Gee, it just aired last night. Some people haven’t watched it yet.” Well, ditto 24! Lots of people DVR stuff and don’t watch it for days at a time, right? So I therefore have the following new Law of Teevee Spoilerage: it is forbidden to discuss spoilers for an episode of a teevee show without warning within one week of that episode’s airing. Once a week is past, all bets are off.

Yes, this only applies to the US. I know, you 24 fans in Europe won’t see these episodes for another year or something like that. Sorry, but in that case, the spoiler warning is, I think, implied. But here, it needs to be stated outright within one week.

And I’m now seriously rethinking this series. I look like the world’s biggest dork.

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Resuming….

At long, long last I’m attempting resumption of work on The Promised King. I posted Chapter Three yesterday, and my plan — as before — is to post a chapter on the first Sunday of each month until the thing is done. Here’s hoping — but the tale now continues.

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Sentential Links #160

The one hundred sixtieth edition! Hooray! For this edition I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a while: wander through someone else’s blogroll and pick my Sentential Links accordingly, each from a blog that to my knowledge I’ve never visited before. This time, I’m using Tom the Dog‘s blogroll. (And I hope Tom himself resumes regular posting sometime in the future!)

Let’s get going:

:: Maybe you would have been better served had you expressed your feelings through pottery or self-flagellation.

:: In the image of a skeleton playing a guitar shown here, you can see the fragility of life in the slumped shoulders and spine. Because of that, you can also see its opposite: the determination to live in the cocked angle of the knee and in the bowed skull, so deep in concentration.

:: Ever wonder what would happen if a past his prime comic book legend was allowed to let his ego loose and produce, for want of a better word, fanwank? Prepare to find out. (Hmmmm. Not sure if that interests me or not….)

:: Thing is, even if the alarm I hear is totally whoop-free, my reaction will be the same: I will run in no particular pattern or direction, screaming like a little girl.

:: I could write a book about this guy. Maybe I’ve watched too much IDOL in the last 8 years, but this is just what the show needed — someone to punk Simon Cowell. (I am so behind on AI this season — I missed two weeks due to travel out west, and last week’s shows got delayed because of President Obama’s pseudo-SOTU address, and Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, so I was out being all penitent and stuff. I need to get back up to speed, pronto. I was irritated by that Tatiana girl, although the part of me that fell hard for Mirna on The Amazing Race is intrigued by Tatiana, so….)

:: If that kind of storytelling is somehow wrong, then a lot of movies are too. Whether the subjects are white, brown, black or whatever shouldn’t matter if the story is worth telling.

:: One of the reasons we as humans band together into tribes is to protect the most vulnerable among us. Children fall under that category. By attempting to balance the books at the expense of their protection and well-being, my state legislators have said a lot about their own negligible humanity.

:: I couldn’t “run” a “blog” that’s “supposedly” about “slasher movies” for almost four “years” and not have reviewed Friday the 13th (1980) and My Bloody Valentine (1981) before today.

All for this week. Check ’em out! It’s always fun to broaden the blog horizons.

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A poultraic formula

I haven’t shared this in a couple of years, and I know (or I hope!) that I have new readers since then, so here’s an incredibly easy way to make wonderfully delicious chicken: marinate your chicken pieces (or the entire bird) in this mixture: soy sauce, sesame oil, and honey. Equal portions of each. When doing fix or six pieces — usually a few thighs and a few split breasts — I’ll do a half cup of each. Just mix and marinate; turn the pieces over in the marinade once in a while before cooking. Then, cook as you will — roast or grill — using the marinade as a basting solution. Wonderful and easy!

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Unidentified Earth #58

Well, we have two of three of the last installments Identified: UI 57 is the Matterhorn at Disneyworld (unlike the real Matterhorn in Switzerland), and UI 56 is a railroad bridge over Lake Britton in California. The bridge is more famous for appearing in a movie set in Oregon: fictional Castle Rock, Oregon, to be precise. This is the trestle where Gordy and Vern nearly perish under the wheels of a train in Stand By Me.

UI 55, however, is still Unidentified! OK, OK, I made this one way too hard — although a good guess was offered on the comments for another entry (it’s not Brady’s Bend). The only way anyone will get this is if they’re into whitewater rafting, kayaking, or canoeing. Doo de doo de doo…and now for the new puzzler!

Where are we? Rot-13 your guesses, please!

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Watching 24: 4 pm to 5 pm

The race is on to catch Dubaku! They’re so close…so, so close…and yet, as happens in nearly every single episode, Dubaku has either managed to escape before Jack and Renee get there, or some unforeseen complication has sprung up, this time in the form of the warrants suddenly issued for Jack’s arrest by the FBI mole, which had DC police forming a blockade around Jack’s car as he frantically chased after the escaping Dubaku. Curse you, FBI mole!

And the mole’s identity was finally revealed in this episode, after quite a lot of the show making us wonder which FBI underling the mole was — Janeane Garofalo, or the Tobey MacGuire lookalike. BTW, I’ve always thought Janeane Garofalo is kinda cute, but this show is making her unbelievably dour and frumpy. It’s not unlike what ER did to poor Maura Tierney. Oh well.

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Watching 24: 3 pm to 4 pm


Oh, COME ON!!!, originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

Well, this shot didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped; it looks more like I’m air-guitaring the solo from “Hot For Teacher”. Oh well.

What I’m actually doing is expressing my consternation that Jack Bauer was about five seconds too late, or just missed by that much; he shoots the bad guy, but as the bad guy tumbles backward, he manages to get off his final shot, plugging the First Gentleman in the stomach. So close, Jack!

(I am also starting to think that these posts are making me look like a complete idiot.)

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Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Oddities abound!

:: It hadn’t occurred to me until I saw the notion voiced by James Nicoll, but I’ll bet there’s some terrific hilarity being voiced over on Conservapedia these days. Check out the very opening of their article on President Obama:

Barack Hussein Obama II (allegedly born in Honolulu Aug. 4, 1961)….

It gets funnier from there. There’s an entire section headed “Obama is likely the first Muslim President”. Hee hee!

:: My old high school friend Kerry, who now lives in Portland, OR, went on a drive last week or so, where she took photos of the Portland area’s stunning scenery…and some local girls re-enacting scenes from Twilight. What a bunch of losers!

(Now, if I ever found myself in Tunisia, surely I wouldn’t be tempted to find the location of the Skywalker farm…nope, not me.)

:: Not really “weird”, per se, but Sheila gives Jaws II more thought than most. I’ve never really disliked Jaws II, although it’s definitely a grimmer exercise and far less believable than the classic first film. But still, “Open up, say AHHHHH!” is definitely one of my favorite “What the good guy says before dispatching the bad guy once and for all” lines ever.

More weirdness next week!

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GGK: Where to start?

In comments to my post the other day on my complete re-read of Guy Gavriel Kay, Tosy and Cosh poses the reasonable question:

I have never read any GGK. What one book should I request from the library to see if I like him?

Not the easiest question, really, since GGK’s books seem to fall into three “phases” thus far. I say “seem to” because it’s not clear yet as to whether Ysabel represents a definite shift in his career, or if it’s a one-off.

So far, GGK has only produced one work of traditional “high fantasy”; that is the Fionavar Tapestry trilogy. If one is most comfortable with fantasy of that nature, then that’s the place to start. Fionavar does take a little while to get going, but there’s a lot of poetry in the prose, and it does get moving eventually — especially by Chapter Nine. However, if one is looking for a single book and doesn’t want to commit to an entire trilogy, then look to the historical fantasies. (Although it’s not as if Fionavar is terribly massive by contemporary standards; the entire thing is about as long as The Lord of the Rings, which is, as most readers of contemporary fantasy are aware, dwarfed nowadays by the massive doorstops that constitute high fantasy now.)

But after that begins his “historical fantasy” phase, when he would use each book to create a fictional world based on some real historical locale, so as to explore various historical themes without having the constraints of real historical events. This phase begins with Tigana and possibly ends with The Last Light of the Sun.

Now, each of these books contains small touches — “grace notes”, as GGK calls them — which reference Fionavar, but none of these books assumes a previous reading of that trilogy. Also, The Lions of Al-Rassan, the Sarantine Mosaic duology, and Last Light are all set in the same geographical world, but none of these books assume a reading of the previous ones, although there are again “grace notes” which those who have read the previous works in that world will understand. These books and their historical analogs are as follows:

Tigana: Renaissance Italy

A Song for Arbonne: Provence in the time of the Albigensian Crusade

The Lions of Al-Rassan: Spain at the time Ferdinand and Isabella drove out the Moors

The Sarantine Mosaic: Byzantium at the time of Emperor Justinian I

The Last Light of the Sun: Britain at the time of Alfred the Great

These historical parallels are very broadly portrayed, so readers deeply familiar with any of these time periods coming to GGK’s book in that same general timeline may find themselves frustrated if they don’t understand what GGK is actually doing. So which of these to start with? I’d recommend either Tigana or Arbonne, actually. Lions wouldn’t be a bad starting point either, although since it’s my favorite I tend to lean toward saving the best for last. The Sarantine Mosaic is in two volumes, so if one wants a single book, look out for that, although again it’s not like we’re talking about a level of commitment like one of George RR Martin’s tomes. The prologue of Sailing to Sarantium is a bit difficult sledding, I admit.

I don’t think I’d recommend Last Light as a starting point, for several reasons. First, it does seem, if I remember correctly, to assume a greater familiarity with GGK’s fantasy Europe than the others set in that same world; second — and I’ll flog this point more when I re-read the book — it has no map, which I think is a much bigger flaw than GGK himself seemed to when I reviewed the book; third, its emotional tone is cooler than his earlier works. He had reason for this, and it works, but the book does stand as something a bit separate, on that basis.

That leaves Ysabel. I’m a bit conflicted on whether it’s a good starting point for GGK or not. It is, in part, a direct sequel to Fionavar, or at least a follow-up; but it’s set in our world and not Fionavar, so I’m not sure how well it works for people who haven’t read the Tapestry. It’s a “magic in our world” story, which puts it more in line with the kind of thing Charles de Lint writes than GGK’s previous output. As of this writing, no one knows what GGK’s next book is going to be, so we don’t know if he’s moving in this “real world fantasy” direction or if he’s going back to his fantasy Europe or somewhere else. (I’ve long hoped he’d do a “historical China” novel, as long as he was doing his “historical fantasy” thing, but we’ll see.) I think one could start with Ysabel, with the warning that it does represent something fairly different from GGK’s previous output.

Boiling down: I’d either start with Fionavar, Tigana, or Arbonne.

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