I’m just a kid who’s four, each day I grow some more!

In an odd moment during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, when the Dora the Explorer balloon floated by, The Daughter voiced her strenuous dislike of Dora. This took me by surprise, because time was – and not too long ago, either – when The Daughter liked Dora a great deal. But now? Not so much. She insists that Dora is for babies and she’s not a baby, so no Dora for her anymore, thank you very much.

But she still likes watching Caillou, whose appeal is, I think, even more limited than Dora’s.

For those who haven’t seen Caillou, he’s a four-year-old boy who lives with his parents and his toddler sister somewhere in pseudo-urban Canada, where he basically does all the normal stuff a four-year-old kid does. He plays with his toys, he gets upset when he’s left home with a babysitter but ends up having fun, he pouts about doing chores until his Mommy finds a way to make it fun, he helps Daddy wash the car (which consists of sitting inside it pretending to drive while Daddy does the work). Now, I personally don’t find Caillou all that objectionable, but I know that a lot of folks find him unbearably whiny, which I can certainly understand. I like that the show’s not grounded in any kind of fantasy or magical make-believe at all (although no explanation is ever offered as to just why if is that Caillou is as bald as a stone whilst every other member of his family has a nice thick head of hair). It does get annoying that every problem this family ever has is so easily defused and that the parents always know exactly how to fix any conflict or say the right thing or whatever.

Anyway, last time I was in the room whilst Caillou was on TV, I thought it would be funny if everyone in the Caillou-verse aged except Caillou himself. Imagine Caillou as an eternal four-year-old, reacting to stuff!

Caillou, Daddy, and the Three-Day Bender!

Daddy walks in. His ever-present green sweater is ripped at the hem and has some spots of brown goo on it. Daddy’s face is slightly green, his cheeks sport three days’ growth of beard, and his eyes are bloodshot.

CAILLOU: Mommy, Daddy’s home! Where have you been, Daddy? It’s Friday and you haven’t been home since Tuesday.

DADDY: Ooooooggg… (runs into bathroom)

CAILLOU: Daddy, you don’t look so good.

MOMMY: Maybe you should leave Daddy alone, Caillou. Maybe tomorrow when he feels better you can help him look for a new job by cutting out some of the want-ads for him!

CAILLOU: Was Daddy fired, Mommy?

MOMMY: Sometimes bosses and employees don’t agree on things, Caillou. And sometimes bosses are skinflint bastards who only care about the bottom line.

CAILLOU: Mommy, you told me not to call people ‘bastards’.

MOMMY: Yes, I’m sorry, Caillou. Hey! Can you come downstairs and help me bake some cookies?

CAILLOU: OK Mommy!

Caillou runs downstairs. Meanwhile, the sounds of retching come from the bathroom.

Caillou, Rosie, and Sneaking Out At Night!

Caillou knocks softly on Rosie’s door. Rosie, now a teenager, is putting the finishing touches on her Goth outfit, dabbing black lipstick on her lips and getting the chain around her neck just the right tightness.

CAILLOU: Rosie? I can’t sleep!

ROSIE: Go talk to Mom, Caillou. I’m busy.

CAILLOU: I knocked on their door, but Mommy’s moaning a lot and Daddy threw a shoe at the door.

ROSIE: Well, maybe you should leave them alone, Caillou. Adults like to be alone sometimes.

CAILLOU: Not Mommy! She loves me. We’re going to bake cookies later!

ROSIE: Yeah…well, why don’t you go down to the kitchen and start getting the stuff for cookies ready? That way it’ll all be out when Mommy gets up to get a glass of water in about fifteen minutes.

CAILLOU: Okay Rosie! Are you sure it will be fifteen minutes?

ROSIE: That’s usually how long it takes them.

CAILLOU: Okay!

Caillou runs out, singing something about cookie baking with Mommy. Rosie shakes her head, puts own her black leather jacket, opens her window, and jumps over to the oak tree that’s her usual means of nocturnal escape.

Caillou Looks For Gilbert the Cat!

Mommy and Daddy are in the kitchen. Mommy is doing dishes, while Daddy reads the paper, smokes a cigarette, and drinks coffee. Caillou can be heard offscreen, calling the cat.

CAILLOU: Gilbert! Gilbert! Come out wherever you are!

Caillou comes into the kitchen. Daddy quickly stubs out his cigarette and stuffs the butt into his pocket.

DADDY: Uh, hi there, Caillou!

CAILLOU: Hi Daddy. Wow, it always smells smoky in the morning in here.

MOMMY: That’s the garbage disposal, Caillou! The motor is breaking. I keep telling Daddy to get a new one.

DADDY: Yeah, but I just like that smell so much!

CAILLOU: I can’t find Gilbert anywhere!

DADDY: Really? He was just here. I think he went that way! (points to living room)

CAILLOU: Here I come, Gilbert!

Certain that he’s on the trail for sure this time, Caillou goes running out of the room.

CAILLOU: Come out wherever you are, Gilbert!

MOMMY: You know, most families tell their kids some lie about the cat going to live on a farm or a petting zoo.

DADDY: (pulls out his cigarette butt) Just shut up and get me another match, will you?

Caillou’s Uncle Timmie and the Magic Brownies!

The living room in Caillou’s house. Lots of people are around. Everyone’s wearing black, except for Caillou, who’s in that eternal yellow shirt of his. Everyone’s crying too, except Caillou.

CAILLOU: I didn’t know they made boxes big enough for people, Grandma!

Grandma pretty much ignores Caillou completely.

CAILLOU: Will you need help pushing Grandpa’s box upstairs, Grandma? He’s pretty fat, you know.

Some guy we’ve never seen before, a long-haired guy who has paired a black suit with a tie-dyed necktie, appears beside Caillou and steers him away from Grandma.

UNCLE TIMMIE: Hey, little dude! Why don’tcha come outside with me, eh?

CAILLOU: Okay, Uncle Timmie!

Caillou follows Timmie to the kitchen, where they find Mommy and Daddy, who are standing over by the fridge in very close proximity to one another.

MOMMY: My, darling! You haven’t been like this in six days!

DADDY: You should wear black more often, dear! It makes your chest look so–

TIMMIE: (loudly) Oh, well, we’d better go outside, Caillou!

MOMMY: Oh Caillou! Yeah. Go outside. We’ll be out ourselves in a while. First we have some stuff to do upstairs.

DADDY: Heh!

MOMMY: Hee hee hee….

Caillou follows Timmie outside.

DADDY: Should Caillou spend so much time with Timmie?

MOMMY: Forget Caillou for once! I’m so sick of baking cookies with that kid!

Outside, Timmie sits down on the stoop with Caillou.

TIMMIE: Say, none of the people in there are cops, are they?

CAILLOU: No. Why, Uncle Timmie?

TIMMIE: Oh, nothing. Here, hold Uncle Timmie’s flask for a few minutes. (hands Caillou his whiskey flask) Oh, and hold this too.

CAILLOU: (takes a ziploc bag from Timmie) This looks like what Mommy puts in the lasagna.

TIMMIE: Ha! Well, this stuff wouldn’t taste too good in lasagna, Caillou! But it sure makes for some great brownies!

CAILLOU: Brownies? I love brownies!

TIMMIE: Me too, kid!

CAILLOU: Did you bake brownies with this stuff with Grandpa?

TIMMIE: (laughing) One time, yeah. He kicked me out of the house after that.

CAILLOU: He did?

TIMMIT: Uh-huh. Say, why don’t you show Uncle Timmie where Mommy keeps her baking supplies? I’ll let you lick the beaters when I’m done mixing the batter!

CAILLOU: Yayyyy!

(I know, I know…the subject of this post is sure to come up when I’m sitting down for my one-on-one Life Performance Review with Saint Peter.)

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Shhhh! Writer at work!


Writer at work, originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

Stop botherin’ me. I’m writin’ here.

Sorry about the dearth of posting the last few days, folks, but the week here at Casa Jaquandor got a bit unexpectedly busy over the last few days. Not bad busy, just a whole lot of stuff that ended up on the plate and being more time-consuming than I’d figured at the time. Plus, I’ve been fending off a minor head cold. Regular posting should begin again tomorrow.

By way of a progress report: I’ve been doing a lot more fiction writing lately — I finished a draft of a horror story a few weeks ago (which is now laying fallow for a time before I edit it) and I’ve started my first-ever actual attempt at a SF story (about two-thirds of the way through the first draft). I’ve also started noodling about with a space opera novel concept I’ve had percolating about my head for a few years now (this one, actually, although I started it over completely) and, believe it or not, a screenplay. And I also mean, once the Halloween festivities are over, to finally get back on track with The Promised King. I’ve also been doing some more reading, movie-watching, music-listening, and I have some longer essays in the hopper for eventual appearance in this space. So, fear not, regular readers: new content is in the offing!

I’d like to thank everyone who has delurked already, and welcome any other lurkers to do likewise, if you’re comfortable. I truly appreciate the fact that anyone at all thinks this blog worth following!

In closing, here’s a nifty item: the Top Ten Sound Effects of the Star Wars movies:

This list is almost perfect: One sound is, in my opinion, inexplicably absent. Which one? Why — that’s for you all to guess! (For extra credit, guess which one I’d replace.)

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Grrrr.

For those of you who are not in the continual company of a kid in the 6 to 9 years old range, you won’t understand this. Those of you who are acquainted with the vagaries of said age group, however, will certainly agree with me when I say:

Evil, thy name is Webkinz.

That is all.

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Still active after all these years

In the hallway at The Store that leads to the public restrooms, the walls are adorned with prints of old photographs from the community (West Seneca, NY), which I assume were procured from the local historical society. I’ve looked at each of these photographs in the time I’ve worked there, since part of my job involves cleaning those restrooms; one of those photos, though, has been particularly interesting to me in that time. Mainly this is because it is on the wall directly opposite the Ladies’ Room, and I often have to stand outside this room for several minutes while those persons inside finish their duties, thus giving me time to study this photograph.

I’ve looked at the faces in that photograph many times, and I’ve come to see personalities within them, just from the way the people look: their postures, their expressions. The photograph is of a schoolroom, and the people are the schoolkids — probably in the ten to eleven year old range — and their teacher. I see things about these kids, and I’m always wanting to discuss these observations of mine with someone else, but restroom cleaning’s a pretty solitary job, and none of the women exiting the restroom (or entering, come to that) are ever much inclined to listen to the musings of the maintenance guy on the old photo.

This, in short, is a job that blogging was meant for. But how?

Well, today I’m standing there as usual, waiting for my opportunity to tidy up that restroom, and it suddenly occurred to me that my cell phone has a camera. I took a shot of the old photograph, e-mailed it to myself, and now I can at last present it here:

First, all of the kids are in the back of the room with a bunch of empty desks at the front, which makes it clear that they all moved to different desks to accommodate the photographer. Also, no one is smiling, which is the way things usually are in old photographs like this — when did smiling become the standard behavior for photographs, anyway? But maybe there’s a tendency to assume that a lack of a smile means a lack of display of personality, and it turns out, that’s just not the case.

The teacher, standing in the rear, looks like a fairly stern fellow, but this might not be the case. In any event, he’s totally focused on the photo being taken: his suit is in perfect order, his posture is straight, and with his hands folded behind his back, he looks like he’s in confident command of this classroom.

A lot of the kids are in similarly straight, controlled postures. But not all of them. Look at that girl just to the teacher’s right: she’s turned slightly toward the back, she has her elbow rested on the back of her chair, and she’s leaning her head against her hand. Also at the back of the room (rear seat, second column from the right) is a girl who is leaning forward with her arms folded on the top of her desk. That interests me, since most everyone else has their arms carefully down, out of view. It’s interesting to contrast those two girls with, say, the one in the second seat back on the rightmost column: that girl is the very model of the posture one expects from a photograph in this era. Her back is utterly straight, her head is held precisely forward, her arms and hands out of view.

Turning to the boys in the photograph, other interesting things appear as I look at this. All of the boys have open schoolbooks on their desks. (In fairness, the angle makes it hard to determine conclusively if the girls are sitting without books on their desks, but I don’t think they are.) I don’t think this says anything about boys and girls, necessarily. Or maybe it does. I’m no historian of education, after all; does it mean anything that the boys have the books?

Again I turn to posture and clothing. All of the boys wear ties, either long ties or bowties. Of the seven, four wear jackets. That boy at the far left is wearing a sweater, it appears, and his left arm is cocked back onto the desk of the girl behind him, and he’s holding his book in what appears to be an exaggerated pose. Nobody’s going to do much reading of a book that size from that posture, so it seems to me that this guy’s showing off a bit. Maybe he’s the cocky one, the class clown.

Moving rightward, we have two boys in jackets and bowties. Nothing about the boy in front really stands out, but there’s something about the boy behind him that’s stronger, more assured. This kid always looks confident as hell to me, and there’s something about him that says “rich kid” to me — maybe it’s his jacket and upright, strong posture. Frankly, he looks like George Will a bit, doesn’t he? Yup, this is the banker’s son, I’ll bet. Here’s the class Republican. (I kid, there — but he does have that upper-crust air about him, even however-many-years later.)

Of the other four boys in this photograph, the two that interest me are the ones sitting in the front of the right two columns. Taking the boy in the dark shirt and light tie, it interests me that he sits kind-of slumped down fashion, with his arms flopped down at his side. He isn’t even feigning an interest in the book on his desk, the way all of the other boys are holding their books as if to suggest that their actual studies are being photographed. This kid is having none of that. This kid looks to me like a blunt, working-class type: not dumb, but rather of the mindset that this particular exercise is just another example of the kind of BS in life that’s best got done with right fast.

The boy at the far right is terribly interesting to me. First, he’s not sitting in the center of that desk; he’s edged all the way to the right of the seat. This is probably because it’s not his normal seat at all, for the reason stated above, but it makes him look terribly uncomfortable anyway, especially in light of the way he is holding his book at an angle and looking up at the camera in a terribly sheepish way. Whereas the last boy wanted to get the photograph done with because it’s all just a dumb waste of time, this kid doesn’t want to be photographed at all. This kid looks scared to me, timid, as if he’s the kid who spends every moment of his school day praying, over and over again, like a mantra: “Please don’t call on me. Please don’t call on me. Please don’t call on me.” He’s in the front of his column, and he looks totally ill-at-ease with this.

What else about this photograph interests me? Well, there’s the total lack of decoration in this classroom. I know it was an earlier time, but no hanging skeleton, if it’s a science class? No wall maps? No chart of the proper forms of the letters of the alphabet? What’s with the apparent netting on the walls? Are there decorations that were removed for some reason at the time of photography?

I also love the desks. I remember desks where chair and desktop were one unit, but these somehow reverse it: the chair is attached to the desktop for the student behind, not the student sitting in the chair. And, of course, this was the era when iron furniture had all kinds of ornate stuff going on in and around the framework. There’s a real sense of craft here.

Unfortunately, the tag that was once attached to the photograph, thus identifying its time and place (in the lower right corner you can see where the tag once was), is long-gone, so I can’t speculate on how old any of these kids might be if they were alive today (or if that might be feasible in the first place). It’s still a fascinating window into an earlier time, when even the apparent formality of a schoolroom photograph couldn’t totally suppress the individual personalities of the children.

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Tremble, mere mortals!

I’m writing this entry not from home, but from the wi-fi enabled cafe at another location of The Store. (My own Store does not currently have wi-fi, because the local telecom carriers don’t yet have a transmitter in close enough proximity to The Store for wi-fi to be possible.) I honestly don’t remember if I’ve ever posted to the blog from outside the friendly confines of Casa Jaquandor, so this may well be a first of epic proportions. I’m sitting here, drinking strawberry-infused iced tea, typing away as I generate the second draft of a short story I finished some time ago, and I’m happy as a clam.

(One day, someone’s going to have to do some actual scientific research as to the happiness of clams. How happy can they be, really?)

Oh, and I’ve got my cell phone on, too. In one fell swoop, I have planted my feet squarely in 2004! (I’m still lacking an iPod, obviously.)

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Holding Pattern Delta!

I’m not sure what “Holding Pattern Delta” involves, but it sounds cool, so that’s what I’m going with!

Anyhow, regular life this week still has lots of stuff in the hopper, what with The Wife’s vacation, family stuff, and various other activities planned, so posting here will still be sporadic for probably a week or so. I’ll try to have some Sentential Links and a Burst of Weirdness at some point, but they may not appear on their standard days.

By way of a progress report of sorts, in conjunction with my recent birthday (last week, for you lazy stragglers!), The Wife and I took a one-night trip into the Fingerlakes region (a few photos of which are available on my Flickr stream, accessible through the “Flickr Badge” thing in the sidebar). We took a scenic drive during which we did not enter a single four-lane, limited exchange highway, either the NYS Thruway or any other such expressway, which is really still the best way to see places. There was birthday cake and birthday pie, there was an Apple Festival in Ithaca (holy used bookstores, Batman!), one of the best toystores I’ve ever seen (don’t tell The Daughter! One of her Christmas presents is in our closet!), and other nice things done. And today we’re going to Pumpkinville…and I’m planning another round of tie-dying this week…and in between all that, I’m escaping to the planet Barsoom to adventure alongside Captain John Carter.

So anyway, keep checking in!

(Oh by the way, nobody still has made any guesses on Unidentified Earth 18, so I’ll keep narrowing it down. It’s in Oregon, folks. Come on! Somebody’s gotta know what that thing is!)

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Here I go, again on my own….

Actually, I’m not sure what that post title has to do with anything, but it’s what leaped to mind, so there it is. Some notes:

:: Exactly fourteen years ago today, I turned twenty-two years old. Good times, those were! I remember it as though it was…fourteen years ago.

:: Happy Birthday George Gershwin, wherever you are! S’wonderful, s’marvelous, she should care for me….

:: Things may look a little weird around here for a while. I’ve exceeded the bandwidth limit on where I keep my graphics, and I don’t have time to try to fix it until later.

:: Only one guess thus far at last week’s Unidentified Earth, so apparently a hint is in order? Pictured therein is the only municipally operated one of these in the United States.

:: Here’s an article about the twenty greatest spaceship captains. It’s pretty good, up until the final five, when it gets the rankings horribly, awfully wrong.

:: EW, a magazine I wrote off years ago because I finally couldn’t take the insufferably smug tone of its critics, has a fairly non-smug selection of the Top ten episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. They’re all superb episodes, and their Number One episode is also my Number One episode, which is nice. (Both these links from SFSignal.)

:: The women of SWILL have created a calendar which they are selling in order to raise money for Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Buy one here.

:: October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. More info here. Consider lighting a candle that night at 7:00 pm.

On a meta-blogging note, posting will be light for the next few days, and possibly even a week. The Wife starts a much-needed vacation tomorrow, and I’ll be taking a couple of days off from work in order to spend time with her and with The Daughter and do stuff that doesn’t involve a keyboard but may involve large amounts of Cool-whip. Behave, folks!

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A Domestic Scene in Three Parts

Part One: The Other Day.

I’m sitting at my desk, going through some stuff. The Daughter is playing on the computer. I’ve just picked up a shopping bag.

THE DAUGHTER: Where’s that bag from?

ME: Barnes&Noble.

THE DAUGHTER: Ooooooh. I hate their commercials.

She resumes playing her game. I mull over what she’s just said.

ME: Huh?!

Part Two: Last night.

We’re driving past McKinley Mall.

ME: Interesting…I’ll bet that big area of construction there next to JC Penney is where the new Barnes&Noble is going in.

THE DAUGHTER: Ooooooh. I hate Barnes&Noble! I hate their commercials!

ME: Huh?! What commercials? I’ve never seen a Barnes&Noble commercial in my life!

THE DAUGHTER: Yeah, they have that creepy bald guy.

ME: Uhhhh…OK.

Part Three: Our bedroom this morning.

The Wife and I are talking about lots of stuff.

ME: And what was up with her rant about Barnes and Noble’s commercials? Have you ever seen a Barnes&Noble commercial?

THE WIFE: Nope. Can’t say that I have.

ME: And it wasn’t just that — she described the commercial! She said it had a creepy bald guy!

THE WIFE: Bald guy? Ooooooh!

[beat]

THE WIFE: (triumphantly) Cellino and Barnes!

[beat]

ME: Oh, wow….

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