LEFT BRAIN: OK, there are 52 weeks in a year, which therefore implies that there are 52 weekends in a year.
RIGHT BRAIN: Gotcha.
LEFT BRAIN: Now, do we pay attention to pre-season NFL games?
RIGHT BRAIN: Nope. We read about ’em in the paper, you know, to see who’s playing well and who might make the team and that’s about it. But we don’t watch ’em or structure our weekends around them.
LEFT BRAIN: That’s right. Especially since they play preseason games on any day of the week.
RIGHT BRAIN: Yup!
LEFT BRAIN: OK, so back to the 52 weekends per year. How many weeks long is the NFL regular season?
RIGHT BRAIN: It is 17 weeks long.
LEFT BRAIN: Just so.
RIGHT BRAIN: Because every team plays 16 games and has one buy week.
LEFT BRAIN: “Bye” week.
RIGHT BRAIN: Right, that’s what I said.
LEFT BRAIN: OK. So there we have 17 weekends of NFL regular season action.
RIGHT BRAIN: Exactly.
LEFT BRAIN: And what of the playoffs?
RIGHT BRAIN: Nah, my team sucks.
LEFT BRAIN: Yes, but do you still watch the other teams play football in the playoffs?
RIGHT BRAIN: Oh, sure.
LEFT BRAIN: And how many playoff weekends are there?
RIGHT BRAIN: Three, of course. Wildcard weekend, which consists of eight teams in four games, from which four teams emerge. Those four winners go on to play the two teams from each conference that earned bye weeks, in the Divisional Round. The winners thereof, four in number, then play the next weekend in the Conference Championship Games. The two winners of those games are given trophies named for Lamarr Hunt and George Halas, respectively, and they then move onto the Super Bowl two weeks hence.
LEFT BRAIN: Ummm…you’re the Right Brain, and yet you just used the words “thereof”, “respectively”, and “hence”.
RIGHT BRAIN: Word of the Day Calendar.
LEFT BRAIN: Oh. So that’s three weekends of playoff football, plus a single weekend for the Super Bowl, two weeks later, for a total of four postseason weekends, yes?
RIGHT BRAIN: Let me see…sounds right.
LEFT BRAIN: So, with the 17 weekends of the regular season, it follows that there are 21 weekends devoted per year to football.
RIGHT BRAIN: (consults slide rule) 17 + 3 + 1 = 21. Yes. Exactly.
LEFT BRAIN: Which in turn means that there are 31 weekends per year that are not devoted to football, yes?
RIGHT BRAIN: (slide rule time again) 52 – 21 = 31. Yes!
LEFT BRAIN: And since 31 is greater than 21, it therefore follows that we spend more weekends per year not watching football than we do watching football, yes?
RIGHT BRAIN: Why, yes!
LEFT BRAIN: So, the central problem is this, then: Why the hell are we always lost in the wilderness when that inevitable first football-free weekend comes?
RIGHT BRAIN: I dunno. So what are we gonna do today? There’s no football on.
LEFT BRAIN: That’s the point! Weren’t you listening?
RIGHT BRAIN: Nah. You lost me at the whole “greater than/less than” thing.
LEFT BRAIN: Oy.
RIGHT BRAIN: And besides, you forgot the Draft in April! That’s a weekend! And that combine thing too!
LEFT BRAIN: Yes, but —
RIGHT BRAIN: Minicamps! Celebrity signings! Organized team activities! Watching games I taped from years ago, like the time our boys won the division by beating the Jets 9-6 in overtime! Playing Madden!
LEFT BRAIN: Or, we could watch a movie, or read a book, or watch the figure skating, or hockey.
RIGHT BRAIN: Watch what with the who now?
LEFT BRAIN: Sigh….
Hilarious! Even if I don’t care about football!