I don’t remember where I got this one, because I wrote it and saved it a long time ago for future posting…and then forgot completely about it. The rule is simple: it’s twenty things you’d like to say to someone, but don’t because it would either be socially awkward, unwise, or just plain impossible. But you do this without naming names! Cool, huh?
So, here are things I’d like to say. To…someone.
1. With your pathological need for being right combined with your obsessive taste for arguing the smallest point in any discussion in order to salvage some ground on which to claim victory, it’s a wonder you’re not a lawyer.
2. Look, instead of cutting entire sections out of the piece because they’re hard, why don’t we roll up our sleeves and rehearse them so we can do them?!
3. You can show me all the pictures of your spouse and kids all you want, but I refuse to believe that you have ever released one ounce of your pent-up sexual energy.
4. Don’t you think that the fact that the house you were working on was torn down on order by the city after being condemned reflects poorly on your work as a contractor?
5. Yes, I realize that you have a photographic memory for where all conversations ended, but I don’t, so please stop trying to pick up on “where we left off” in discussing something six months ago without giving me any kind of context, OK?
6. That flower I gave you yesterday? I gave that to you because you’re ridiculously cute and I want to go out with you. Why didn’t I say that yesterday? Because I’m a moron.
7. I see. And just telling me that at the time would have been so much harder than all the angst since then, right?
8. Oh, you’re holding me accountable on the basis of ____. Well, that’s all very nice. And I’m sure you’ll be having similar conversations with everyone else here who does the exact same thing. Of course, if you do that, you won’t have anybody left to turn out the lights at the end of the day, so….
9. Hey genius: If you knew the movie was going to suck as much as you’re saying that you knew it was going to suck, then why the hell are you here at midnight seeing the damn thing? Who willingly stays up this late to have an experience they know is going to be unpleasant?
10. You’re really telling me that, for the purposes of pricing, your daughter is under the age of twelve. When she’s six foot two, is driving your car under your supervision, and is wearing a D-cup.
11. Hey, is there some particular reason that my asking you out basically turned me from a person you’d say “hello” to and chat with to a person you wouldn’t douse with a bucket of water if flames were rushing across my body? Because seriously, that’s some harsh etiquette, there.
12. I can’t imagine why she likes you. You’re short and stupid.
13. I can’t imagine why you like me. I talk too much and accomplish too little.
14. Oh, you’re a Republican. Well, this means that we can never have coffee together. Oh wait, it doesn’t mean that at all.
15. I’m not hitting on your girlfriend just by asking if I can refill her empty coffee cup, dumbass. I’m a manager here, and one of the things I do to interact with my customers is wander about offering people refills. So slapping your hand over her cup and giving me the skunk-eye just makes you look like a dick.
16. Welcome home, and I’m grateful for your service over there.
17. Hi, you called yesterday and left me a message about coming in for an interview. I’d love to! When’s a good time?
18. Oh my God, you’re actually serious. You’re making us watch a videotape of the junior high girls’ basketball team you coach, when the Steelers are on.
19. Were it not for the fact that you know who you know, you wouldn’t amount to anything at all in this company.
20. So what? Is there some minimum amount of time you can be gone before I’m allowed to wish you were here?
So…was I talking to you? (Almost certainly not, unless some people suddenly read this blog for the first time…and in some cases, travel through time to do so….)