Lake Effect!

No, not the snow. Ice cream.

Trying this stuff at long, long last!

For the past couple of years I’ve been hearing about a local outfit that makes artisanal ice cream, called Lake Effect Ice Cream, after our region’s most notable climate feature. Problem is, by ‘local’, I mean within thirty miles of Buffalo, and in the opposite direction from Casa Jaquandor. Lake Effect Ice Cream is located in Lockport, NY, which is quite a road trip from lovely Orchard Park. In other words, we weren’t road-tripping just for ice cream. (What else is there in Lockport, anyway? I’m genuinely curious. If there’s a good reason to road-trip, I’m game.)

But now, the Lake Effect folks have grown big enough to be able to start putting their wares in local stores, one of which actually is about fifteen minutes away from Casa Jaquandor. So off we went today to pick some up.

And…wow.

I had the Salty Caramel; The Wife had the Loganberry. I suppose Salty Caramel is self-explanatory, but for anyone not from Western New York, “Loganberry” probably needs some explanation. Loganberries are a kind of hybrid berry, between blackberries and red raspberries. They are also a very popular flavor of fruit beverage in these parts, not unlike fruit punch. There are few things more satisfying on a hot summer evening than a glass of loganberry drink accompanying a hot dog and fries. Some places have loganberry milkshakes, and now, Lake Effect makes a Loganberry ice cream.

The Salty Caramel is very, very good. The Loganberry is amazing.

We’ll be trying more flavors, obviously. I saw one called “The Aud”, which claims to use as a base “Labatt Blue ice cream”. Ice cream, flavored like the area’s favorite lager beer? Really? Can that be possible?

I will find out, and report!

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Sentential Links

Time for the weekly links.

:: I am now… (this is the super-cool part)… a historian. I get to record history. For a living. (Ayup, that’s pretty cool. I’m trying to make up history for a living! Not there yet, though.)

:: When I turned 50, I could think, “Maybe I still have another half a lifetime left.” After all, the number of centenarians in the United States has been growing. Willard Scott, with whom I share a birthday, BTW, still announces the birthdays of those over 100 on NBC-TV’s TODAY show, as far as I know.

Now that I am 60, though, I have to acknowledge that I’m not going to live another 60 years, even if I move to Azerbaijan and start eating yogurt soup. (And if I’m wrong, which one of you is going to write to correct me?) (I will. When Roger turns 120, I’ll be a sprightly 101.)

:: Earlier today,we saw that Batman was ready to retire, psychological paralyzed by an inferiority complex triggered when he took one measly bullet during a mission.

Superman’s “brilliant” plan–set up a fake crime wave in Kandor, so Batman could solve it and get all better.

Problem–the plan misfired (duh), the menace was real, but Batman found out it was a plan and is now all “I hate you!” (I seem to recall that exact plot from episodes of The Brady Bunch, Three’s Company, and Eight is Enough.)

:: I will not buy anything I see in a pop-up ad. They are the most annoying form of advertising ever devised. I know the big problem with the internet is that no one has figured out yet how to make a substantial profit out of it. That certainly is my problem. Banner ads are only slightly effective. And newspapers and other sites have found it’s difficult to charge people for their services when other outlets will provide it for free. Why go to reputable newspapers when there are people like me in their underwear banging out blogs? (You know, this seems as good a time as any to get this out in the open: I have never, and will never, bang out material for this blog whilst in my underwear. Make fun of my overalls if you wish, but I am not blogging in my underwear. That is my pledge to you, dear Readers!)

:: Burroughs was pretty much done with Tarzan in 1914. He was feuding with his editor at All-Story over reprint rights and didn’t have a lot of motivation to continue the series. But when a new editor took over the magazine and promised to work with Burroughs on his complaints, Burroughs agreed. He even accepted the new editor’s idea of making the next story about Tarzan’s son, Jack, running away from London to Africa with an ape. It would be the last time Burroughs set part of a Tarzan story in England. (Michael May is digging into the literary past of Tarzan. Check it out!)

:: Good morning, America! Are you feeling a little … discombobulated? Like you didn’t get enough sleep? That’s because you’re under the boot heel of the United Nations and their one-world “Daylight Savings Time” plot.

More next week!

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Sparkly!

I’m doing a ‘photo a day’ challenge over on Instagram, and today’s topic was ‘Something That Sparkles’. So I took this photo of my two main pieces of jewelry: my wedding ring, and my star sapphire ring. I’m posting it here just because I really like the way the photo turned out.

My wedding ring is an Irish wedding band. The Wife has an Irish band too, although hers is styled slightly differently. We got each ring set with each other’s birthstone, so those amethysts are her birthstone. Her ring has mine (sapphire).

The star sapphire ring was a Christmas gift from The Girlfriend (now The Wife) in 1996, which was the last Christmas for us as a dating couple, as we were married five months later in May 1997. I’ve always loved that ring.

Due to the nature of my day job, I never wear my rings to work. I’m afraid that some of the things I do might damage them. I keep on the lookout for a cheap ‘alternate’ ring to wear to work, but I never see any that I like all that much.

Anyway, that’s my ‘bling’, as it were. And now that I have used the word ‘bling’ on my blog, the earth is that much closer to the Apocalypse!

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Sunday Burst of Weird and Awesome

Oddities and Awesome abound!

:: Oh Japan, never, ever change!

As LiveDoor News pointed out this week, a new trend is spreading among Japanese schoolgirls. It’s called “cream puff face” (“ganmen shuukuriimu” or 顔面シュークリーム). And, you guessed it, it involves smushing a cream puff in someone’s face.

This isn’t exactly a new trend, as it’s possible to find examples of cream puff faces as early as 2007 and 2008. And, yes, this is a spin on the old fashioned pie in the face gag. But in Japan, the trend really started to take off with schoolgirls in 2011. The Japanese mainstream is just catching on now.

Huh….

(Well, stop the whaling. Other than that, never change!)

:: Check out these detailed floor plans of teevee households. I never realized that the Simpsons have two living rooms!

:: Want to make your own ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ posters? Of course you do!

Thanks to the Keep Calm-o-matic!

Another Keep Calm.


More next week!!!

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Planting my Freak Flag in the soil of the Moon!

While I was on my break at work yesterday, I thought I’d take a quick look at the query letter than I’d been using for Princesses In SPACE!!! (not the actual title). Now, this letter has only gone out to about half a dozen agents thus far…which is a good thing, because when I read it, I suddenly had a massive case of The Writerly Panics. As in, OMG I can’t do this am I crazy I must be nuts this query is awful no agent in their right mind would ever ever EVER want to read my book after looking at this train wreck of a letter GAHHHH!!!!

When I have a crisis of confidence, folks, I don’t do it halfway. I turn into a quivering mass of protoplasm. That’s what I do. And then I turn to Twitter and Facebook, where I posted the following:

If second-guessing myself was an Olympic sport, I’d be Bruce Frakking Jenner. #WhyInGodsNameDoIHaveToWantToBeAWriter

So I set about fixing the letter, and had some decent notions about it when the replies started pouring in. Here’s a sampling of the resulting thread (edited a bit for clarity):

SCOTT: Because you’re good at it and you like doing it?

[That one really gets to the heart of it, doesn’t it?]

JASON: Fretting about your query letter?

ME: All of it. Every time I read the thing I get irritated with it.

ME AGAIN: The query letter is EVERYTHING. If I don’t get that right, it doesn’t matter at all how good the manuscript is, because nobody will read it.

JASON: True, but is there really a problem with it, or are you just psyching yourself out?

[The answer, of course, was ‘both’. Sometimes when confronted by a problem, especially if it’s a problem of my own making, I have to lose my shit first before I get down to the work of fixing it. Not my favorite part of my personal makeup, and I’ve made decent strides against it, but there are times when that part of me rears its ugly head.]

ME: I’m confident of my ability to tell a story. I have zero confidence in my ability to sell one. And the query letter is literally a sales letter. It’s marketing, which is not a strength of mine in any way.

[This is true. I know that I wrote a good book, and tell me I didn’t, I’ll just tell you what to go do with yourself. Tell me I wrote a crappy query letter, though, and I’ll fall to pieces.]

KERRY: If you were Bruce Frakking Jenner, you’d also be involved with all those Kardashians, so count your blessings, man.

[I had no idea that Jenner had fallen in with that particular clan. Sucks to be him…but yay me, for not knowing anything about it!]

ME: Well, if an agent or two at least requests the full manuscript, then I guess I’m OK. If not, then…there’s that. I really hate this part of the process…writing a query letter and writing a novel are related skills only in that both involve a form of writing. But I keep thinking, just because there is some overlap between the tools a mechanic uses and those a carpenter uses, doesn’t mean I want the guy who fixes my car to build me a house.

ME: All that said, I think I’ve got the letter about as good as I’m going to get it. It better be, because it’s going out to more agents later!

[Here I’m trying to dial back the panic a bit. Not very successfully, but my cooler head is at least suiting for a fight against Inner Panic Guy.]

BETH: Also- bad plastic surgery would have been involved.

[I have no idea what this means, in all honesty. Hold on a second while I Google it…

(cue theme from The Dating Game as I Google “Bruce Jenner plastic surgery”)

Oh. Oh no…no no no. AGGHHH! Moving on….]

JASON: I wonder if perhaps there’s anyone you could show it to for some feedback or pointers? (I’m not volunteering — although I’d be happy to give you my thoughts, for whatever they’re worth — because I’m not so good at the “selling myself” concept either. But if you’re really that nervous about it, maybe someone could help…)

[Sage advice, that….]

ME: I’ve read a lot of online resources for query letters, so I have a decent of idea of what to do. Of course, there also tends to be a TON of contradictory advice. I see some agents saying “Do this!” and others saying “Don’t do this!”, when “this!” is the exact same thing. I’ve seen “Use conversational, marketing language!”, and I’ve seen “Write the query in the same tone as the novel itself!” It’s mostly a crapshoot…whatever works is what works.

[I should have chosen my words more carefully here, because it’s not totally a crapshoot. There are a lot of good guidelines to be found as to how to write a query letter than won’t be tossed in the trash on sight. The problem is in going from “The agent won’t throw it out” to “The agent will be intrigued enough to request the manuscript”. That’s where the extra advice can be problematic and contradictory, given that agents are people, and therefore subject to preferences and tastes. And now someone new chimed in, and this particular person’s entry into the thread couldn’t have been more timely….]

SHEILA O’MALLEY: Keep it simple. Keep it short. And then cast a wide wide net. You can’t please everyone. So please yourself – and then throw that sh** at EVERYONE – up your odds, basically, that someone out there will be the one to read it and think, “Huh. Want to hear more.” But you can second-guess yourself to death. Just remember: you cannot please everyone. it’s the same thing with getting actor headshots. The advice you get is overwhelming. You show people the contact sheet. Everyone tells you to pick a different shot, and give you a thesis paper as to why. In the end, you have to pick the one you can live with – that you think represents you best. Anyway: that’s just more UNASKED FOR ADVICE. sorry!! and BEST OF LUCK!

JASON: I see your frustration… I agree with Sheila, though… you can’t please everyone, and you can make yourself crazy with the second-guessing. Trust me, I’m an expert on that. Deep breath, do the best you can, and have a nice rum beverage after you get back from the post office.

SHEILA: Oh, and one last piece of unasked-for advice: show it to a couple of targeted people who understand your work, but also understand the business – other writer friends, if you have them. Just to get another eye on it.

KERRY: Anyone know how I can back out of a thread? I thought this was about Bruce Jenner.

SHEILA: hahahaha

[Somehow I think that Sheila and Kerry would get along very, very well.]

ME: Sheila, seems to me that when I lose my shit spectacularly on FB, I am tacitly asking for advice. So thank you and keep it coming, even if it’s to slap me upside the head and say, ‘Snap out of it!’

SHEILA: All righty then! Keep it short – a couple of snappy paragraphs (edit out any self-deprecating language – you can be humble “thank you so much for your time” without being “I am so not worthy” about it). Be yourself. It’s your only shot, really. Because, to get all new Age-y, you’re the only you there is. Some people may be like, “Ew. Can’t stand this guy.” Okay,then – NEXT. Because the next person may be like, “Wow, I’m intrigued.” so keep the second-guessing to a minimum. and keep it short. did I mention keep it short??

ME: It’s short — only one page, 12pt, and the focus is completely on the book. I tried to write what I wish the back cover would say (other than ‘JK Rowling thinks this is the best book EVER!!!’ ). I say nothing about myself, other than my contact info. I have no publishing credits at all, so it seems to me the book has to do the heavy lifting. I feel better about the current draft of the letter, though! (I don’t know about being myself, though…I’m not sure a lot of the weird shit on my blog would help! I can see an agent saying, ‘Interesting book premise…but what’s with the overalls and the obsession with STAR WARS and the pie throwing and the man-crush on Nathan Fillion?’ Heh!)

SHEILA: But see that’s the whole thing: some agent is gonna be like, “OMG I love overalls, and I love Star Wars too, and I love Buffalo, NY, and WHO IS THIS GUY?? HE IS MY SOULMATE.” Be articulate, don’t be an ass, but let your Freak Flag fly. Because people respond to those who are confident about themselves. sorry, Elvis dovetail: he wore bright pink suits in high school before he was famous. He was being himself. He looked like a lunatic compared to his peers. But that was what he wanted to do, and he did it, and 2 years later, every boy wanted to wear pink pants because Elvis was wearing them. I say don’t worry about seeming “too weird”. as long as you are articulate, polite, and don’t waste their time.

ME: Oh, I don’t worry about seeming too weird — I just don’t know how to fly my Freak Flag (and there’s a phrase that is going into my personal lexicon, and I mean, RIGHT NOW) in the context of a query letter. I really don’t want to call any attention whatsoever to my lack of publishing credits, but should I mention my eleven years of blogging? I put all the personal stuff way down at the bottom of the letter, on the thesis that the story of the book has to be the major focus. I want to avoid stuff like “It’s been my lifelong dream to write and publish a novel!”, because all the agents are unanimous, so far as I can see, that you shouldnt’ do that…and frankly, it’s pretty obvious why. Should it just be a “For more about me, please check out my personal blog at [url]?”

ME: (to KERRY) Sorry, I missed that comment. You go right ahead and Jenner it up! (And I just used ‘Jenner’ as a verb. Oy….)

SHEILA: Just be confident. Don’t be self-deprecating. This is my first novel. End-stop. I write about diverse topics on my personal site (link included) and have been doing so for years. End-stop. Or whatever. Most writers have some kind of home-base where they put personal stuff, so it will be helpful to any agent to check you out – especially if you have no other published work. I wouldn’t say “I’ve been blogging for 11 years.” Just mention the existence of your site, and that you cover a wide array of topics (list a few – it will make you seem interesting, quirky, and will be part of your fluttering Freak Flag). And be totally unembarrassed about your lack of publishing experience. You can FEEL embarrassed on the inside, but don’t let it seep into your language. No shame in not being published. The only shame is in not being published, wanting to be published, and not having the balls to do what you are currently now doing – trying like hell to get published. I just went through all of this with my play, Kelly…So, as you know, everything depends on the quality of the thing you have written. and you’re right on: avoid any language that seems “hopeful” or “dreamy” – “I dream of this book being turned into a mini-series” “I hope you like the book” “I have wanted to be a writer since I was a wee lad.” etc. None of that. You already ARE a writer. You just haven’t had anything published yet.

KERRY: Maybe consider this: “Finding the Champion Within: A Step-by-Step Plan for Reaching Your Full Potential.” By…. Bruce Frakking Jenner.

[Kerry seems oddly fixated on Bruce Jenner.]

ME: (to SHEILA) I already didn’t have any self-deprecating language in there, so I’m good! I do think I need to rework my closing, which is the short bit where I talk about me. I think that my APPROACH is on the right track; I just worry a lot about the specific wording. I’m confident as hell about the book itself, though, which helps. I *know* I wrote something good. So when I get home, it’s time to power up the laptop and get this thing honed!

And thank you for taking time out of your day for all this comment. It’s been a huge help, and not just from the “Snap out of it!” standpoint, either. I’m at a point where specific advice helps most! (I hope it won’t bother you that in the inevitable movie to be made from my book, there’s no obvious part for Dean Stockwell.)

At least the bad news on that last score isn’t limited to Sheila and her favorite actor. There’s no real part for Nathan Fillion, either. But Princesses II: Electric Boogaloo is in the offing….

As for the concept of the Freak Flag, I do like that a lot. Part of what I’ve been trying to do here in recent weeks, what with eliminating my snarkiness and trying to warmly embrace my weirdness, is to do just that: planting my Freak Flag. I wonder what that flag would look like?

Likely something like that.

And a very public thanks to everyone who helped on that thread!

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Answers, the sixth!

As usual, I’m taking forever to get this done…but soldier on, we shall! Two questions up first from an anonymity-preferring soul, on a matter near and dear to my heart:

Since you seem to enjoy a pie in the face, did you do the wedding-cake-smashing thing when you got married?

No, we did not. And in all honesty, I’m glad, because — and this may come as a surprise — I hate that. I have never found it enjoyable to watch; it always strikes me as a very out-of-place and inappropriate chunk of mean-spiritedness shoehorned into a ceremony that is supposed to be a celebration of love and kindness. I had zero desire to do that, and The Wife agreed with me. At least, I assume she did. I don’t even recall bringing it up for discussion.

(Now, I don’t judge other couples who do this, and I’ve seen it at a bunch of weddings I’ve attended. I don’t think it implies anything for the marriage, one way or the other, and if it’s your wedding and you really think the cake-smashing thing is what you want to do, then by all means, have at it. I just won’t be one of the ones laughing.)

Do you find it funny when protesters hit politicians with pies?

Again, this may be a surprise, but no, not really. The fact is, when you get hit with a pie, you’re getting hit with something. If you don’t know it’s coming, then it seems to me it very well could be taken as assault. Plus the fact that the human response to having something shoved toward their face is to flinch, turn away, duck, all that. It’s certainly not to just stand there, close your eyes, and take it. When that happens in movies or teevee shows, it’s because it’s in the script.

So basically, I don’t think a pie should ever be dispatched toward the face of someone who isn’t expecting it and likely doesn’t want it. (I think both of those questions may have come up in a previous AskMeAnything, but I didn’t go back and check. I treat each question as new, anyway.)

Chris asked several questions, one of which is:

Which imaginary planet would you most like to live on?

Oooooh! Tough one. Very tough one, actually. Maybe one of those Star Trek desert planets? The ones that all look like Vazquez Rocks? Nah, probably not. I wouldn’t want to live on Coruscant, either. Or Trantor, or any of the other city-planets. Those might be cool places to visit, but to live there? Knowing that all you’ll ever see are buildings? Nah.

We only saw it very briefly, but I very much like the look of Alderaan. Well, you know, before the Imperial genocide of its people. Soaring cities in high mountain ranges? Sign me up!

But in reality…and I hate to say this, because none of you (aside from those who beat-read the book) know about it yet, but the main planet of Princesses In SPACE!!! (not the actual title) strikes me as a nice place. And it’s got lots of mysteries, the cool part of that being that I get to be the first one to see how they turn out!

More answers to come.

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Film Quote Friday: 2010 (The Year We Make Contact)

2010 is a fairly odd film, all things considered. It harks back to when Hollywood’s mania for sequels was just starting to get underway, and when the idea of reboots was still way off. And the idea of making sequels to films that were nearly twenty years old? And to films that are considered classics? Yup, it’s strange that this project ever got off the ground, even with a pretty decent Arthur C. Clarke novel to go by. But off the ground 2010 got, providing some answers for the extremely enigmatic 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Some would claim that the earlier film should have been left well enough alone, and its questions left to be explored by the viewer. I agree, to a point…but the problem is, as a movie in itself, 2010 really isn’t bad at all. It’s nowhere near the towering masterpiece that 2001 is, and its feel is so different that it doesn’t even feel like a sequel to the earlier movie. It feels like a sequel to a different version of the earlier movie.

Anyway, 2010 holds up well in some ways, not so well in others. As seems typically the case with movies predicting near futures, they’re mostly wrong, and what they’re really wrong about stands out like a sore thumb now. In the movie, the Soviet Union still exists, and during the film’s events, the USA and the Soviets come to the brink of nuclear war. This adds nice tension to the nature of the film’s space mission (a joint American-Soviet flight), but it’s hard to take it seriously now. But really, how unthinkable was it in 1985 that the Cold War didn’t even have an entire decade left to it?

And then there’s a little scene where Heywood Floyd (Roy Scheider) and Walter Curnow (John Lithgow) are talking about how they miss Earth, and they get onto a brief bit about the merits of the hot dogs at various ballparks. Curnow opines that the Astrodome makes good hot dogs. Little did they know that the Astrodome’s days as a functioning ballpark wouldn’t reach 2010, either! But that’s all minor stuff. The film’s character interactions are nicely done, the cast is terrific (Helen Mirren pushes her Russian accent just to the brink of being too thick to take seriously, but it works), and the visual effects are still outstanding, given the time period. 2010 is an odd film, indeed: it probably shouldn’t even exist, but it does, and on its own, it’s really not a bad little SF thriller.

Oh, yeah — this is “Film Quote Friday”, so I have to quote the movie. Fair enough. I’ve done long quotes from movies before, so this time I’ll use a very short one. The film indicates that these were the last words received on Earth via transmission from astronaut David Bowman before his disappearance from the Discovery. This line is never heard in the original film of 2001, however — but it is in Arthur C. Clarke’s original novel of 2001: A Space Odyssey. See what I mean? Strange. The quote? Well, the 2001 novel has David Bowman leave the Discovery in a pod and approach the enormous monolith that is hanging in Jovian orbit. This monolith opens up, and Bowman sends home his last report before going inside:

My God! It’s full of stars!

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Fixing the Prequels: Revenge of the Sith (part six)


previously:

five
four
three
two
one



OK, time to dive straight back in. Huzzah!!!

When last we left off, the various forces in Anakin Skywalker’s life were starting to use him as a pawn in their own various games. This was starting to have the effects we might expect, as both sides are using Anakin against the other – but Palpatine is doing it more constructively and in a way that is more likely to further his own goals. What always interests me is that of all the adult figures in Anakin’s life after Qui Gon Jinn’s death, the one who is most consistently encouraging of Anakin is Palpatine. He’s done an awful lot of heavy lifting to set Anakin up for his eventual fall.

And that brings me to an interesting speculative question: has Palpatine been planning Anakin’s seduction for twenty years?

I’m honestly not sure. On the one hand, Palpatine has shown enormous flexibility in his plans. He didn’t get bogged down when the Jedi and Queen Amidala defeated whatever his scheme for the Naboo blockade was – which seems to imply that he didn’t really care about that, one way or the other. The entire goal there was to simply get the game board arranged in such a way as to leave him in as powerful a position as possible. Mission accomplished, obviously. His plans seem so reactive, though: could he really predict Darth Maul’s defeat? Or Count Dooku’s? Likely not…but maybe so. Maybe he has been on the lookout himself, for the most powerful possible Jedi to turn. Maybe he set those earlier apprentices as ones that were doomed to defeat, and maybe he always had a backup plan ready to go for when the next one died. Palpatine has clearly been playing the long game.

And that brings us to the next scene in the film, which is one of the key scenes in the entire Star Wars saga. In this scene, Palpatine smoothly and even gracefully decides to dial it up with respect to his attempts to ingratiate himself with Anakin. He already knows that Anakin sees him as a father figure, because Palpatine has been his greatest source of consistent encouragement. Obi Wan is a teacher figure, not a father figure, and anyway, they are too close in age for Anakin to really take him completely seriously as an authority. As for the rest of the Jedi, they have made crystal clear that they’ve never really trusted Anakin, even before Mace Windu comes right out and admits it (albeit privately). Palpatine knows that Anakin is predisposed to hear him out, so now he decides to appeal to Anakin’s personal pressure points.

So here’s where Anakin joins Palpatine at the Coruscant Opera House (red text indicates material not in the final film):

INT. CORUSCANT-GALAXIES OPERA HOUSE-NIGHT

ANAKIN lands his speeder and exits.
ANAKIN runs up the stairs at the Galaxies Opera House.
ANAKIN runs through the hallway and enters Palpatine’s box, where the CHANCELLOR is sitting with Mas Amedda and Sly-Moore, watching the Man Calamari Ballet doing “Squid Lake.”

ANAKIN: You wanted to see me, Chancellor.

PALPATINE: Yes, Anakin! Come closer. I have good news. Our Clone Intelligence Units have discovered the location of General Grievous. He is hiding in the Utapau system.

ANAKIN: At last, we’ll be able to capture that monster and end this war.

PALPATINE: I would worry about the collective wisdom of the Council if they didn’t select you for this assignment. You are the best choice by far … but, they can’t always be trusted to do the right thing.

ANAKIN: They try.

PALPATINE: Sit down, (to his aides) Leave us.

ANAKIN sits next to PALPATINE. The Chancellor leans over to him.

PALPATINE: (continuing) Anakin, you know I’m not able to rely on the Jedi Council. If they haven’t included you in their plot, they soon will.

ANAKIN: I’m not sure I understand.

PALPATINE: You must sense what I have come to suspect . . . the Jedi Council want control of the Republic . . . they’re planning to betray me.

ANAKIN: I don’t think . . .

PALPATINE: Anakin, search your feelings. You know, don’t you?

ANAKIN: I know they don’t trust you . . .

PALPATINE: Or the Senate . . . or the Republic . . . or democracy for that matter.

ANAKIN: I have to admit my trust in them has been shaken.

PALPATINE: Why? They asked you to do something that made you feel dishonest, didn’t they?

ANAKIN doesn’t say anything. He simply looks down.

PALPATINE: (continuing) They asked you to spy on me, didn’t they?

ANAKIN: I don’t know … I don’t know what to say.

PALPATINE: Remember back to your early teachings. Anakin. “All those who gain power are afraid to lose it.” Even the Jedi.

ANAKIN: The Jedi use their power for good.

PALPATINE: Good is a point of view, Anakin. And the Jedi point of view is not the only valid one. The Dark Lords of the Sith believe in security and justice also, yet they are considered by the Jedi to be. . .

ANAKIN: . . . evil.

PALPATINE: . . . from a Jedi’s point of view. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power. The difference between the two is the Sith are not afraid of the dark side of the Force. That is why they are more powerful.

ANAKIN: The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves.

PALPATINE: And the Jedi don’t?

ANAKIN: The Jedi are selfless . . . they only care about others.

PALPATINE smiles.

PALPATINE: Or so you’ve been trained to believe. Why is it, then, that they have asked you to do something you feel is wrong?

ANAKIN: I’m not sure it’s wrong.

PALPATINE: Have they asked you to betray the Jedi code? The Constitution? A friendship? Your own values? Think. Consider their motives. Keep your mind clear of assumptions. The fear of losing power is a weakness of both the Jedi and the Sith.

ANAKIN is deep in thought.

PALPATINE: (continuing) Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis “the wise”?

ANAKIN: No.

PALPATINE: I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create life … He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.

ANAKIN: He could actually save people from death?

PALPATINE: The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.

ANAKIN: What happened to him?

PALPATINE: He became so powerful . . . the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. (smiles) Plagueis never saw it coming. It’s ironic he could save others from death, but not himself.

ANAKIN: Is it possible to learn this power?

PALPATINE: Not from a Jedi.

There is a lot to unpack here. But first, just in terms of a movie scene, it’s fantastic. The effects are there in the strange opera/ballet being performed in front of them, but for the most part, the scene is just two actors sitting and talking. Ian McDiarmid just nails it here, making Palpatine sound so fatherly, so wise, so warm – and yet, the whole time he is in complete control. Notice how subtly he is able to appeal to Anakin’s single greatest fear, without even mentioning it or saying something like “I know that you are afraid of losing Padme”. He just slides into this story about Darth Plagueis, casually dropping the bit about defeating death into the mix as if it’s never occurred to him that Anakin might have a vested interest in that bit.

And then there’s the intimation that Plagueis was killed by his apprentice, with the clear implication being that Palpatine himself was that apprentice. But most interesting is that line about Plagueis using the midichlorians to create life.

Which brings me back to the oft-derided midichlorians.

The main basis on which the midichlorians are loathed by Star Wars fandom is that by positing their existence, George Lucas has tried to make a scientific basis for what was originally a completely mystical concept.

The problem with that way of thinking is that it is incorrect.

Here is how Ben Kenobi defines the Force, the first time we hear about it, in A New Hope:

The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

And here is what Qui Gon Jinn says about midichlorians, when we learn about them in The Phantom Menace:

Midi-chlorians are a microscopic lifeform that reside within all living cells and communicates with the Force…We are symbionts with the midi-chlorians…Without the midi-chlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of the Force. They continually speak to you, telling you the will of the Force.

According to the fans, the two explanations are contradictory. But I don’t think that they are. Not really. There is nothing in the latter that negates anything in the former. It does add a level of complexity, but so what?

George Lucas has always been heavily influenced by Asian thinking, and not just film making styles, either. There is a great deal in the mysticism of the Star Wars films that is completely compatible with Asian mysticism – Taoism, Buddhism, and the like. When I add that to the mix, I think I see what Lucas is getting at with the midichlorians. They’re not an attempt to graft some kind of pseudo-scientific technobabbly hogwash onto what was already a perfectly-good bit of magic. What they are is an expression of a deeply Asian idea, in the way Eastern thinkers have always seen the divide between science and mysticism very, very differently than we do in the West.

In the Asian view of things, science and mysticism are one. I can’t help but think that Lucas’s thinking here is heavily influenced by the types of ideas you’ll find in books like The Tao of Physics and The Dancing Wu-Li Masters. And the idea isn’t entirely incompatible with the more poetical passages of the works of Carl Sagan, who advanced the notion that life is not something separate from the Universe, but rather an emergent property of the Universe. In this formulation, the midichlorians are therefore not some new entity thrown in for no reason, but simply the lowest level at which the interactions take place.

That’s what makes this scene interesting, because the notion – barely even hinted at – is that Darths Plagueis and Apprentice (we assume it’s Sidious) did something that caused the midichlorians to start a new biological process in the womb of Shmi Skywalker. I’ve never been sure of what to make of this, because it’s a fascinating idea that, in the context of the movies, goes absolutely nowhere. The Sith use the Force to create a living being? The implications here are utterly fascinating (did they know where Anakin was? Did they have no idea and were just waiting for him to show up? Did they create a possible hundreds of potential Sith just to see who came to the fore?), and yet, Lucas goes nowhere with it. I don’t know if he just threw it in there for the EU authors to do something with, or what.

This is why I continue to hold to my belief that the midichlorians are not a conceptual error. They are a story error. The midichlorians are the gun on the mantelpiece that never goes off. So, all things being equal, I’d excise their mention here entirely, and just leave the midichlorians the way I left them way back when I fixed TPM.

Still, I do love this scene. Palpatine has shown remarkable restraint, waiting until he knows that Anakin is already starting to feel a certain amount of disillusionment with the Jedi to start to sow some more seeds of discontent. And he does it so interestingly, couching his temptations in Anakin’s sense of morality. Villains they may be, but the Sith genuinely believe that they are the good guys.

So in the next scene, Anakin gets to present his new intelligence to the Jedi Council, in addition to Chancellor Palpatine’s suggestion that he be sent to deal with General Grievous. Of course, the Council seems rather pouty about the whole thing, and they are now in the position of seemingly denying anything just because Palpatine suggested it.


EXT. KASHYYYK-DAY

A WOOKIEE CATAMARAN flanked by WOOKIEE HELICOPTERS approaches the tree housing the HOLOGRAM AREA.

90 INT. KASHYYYK-HOLOGRAM AREA-DAY

YODA and various JEDI speak via hologram. The discussion includes OBI-WAN, MACE, AGEN KOLAR, YODA- KI-ADI-MUNDI and PLO KOON.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: (holo) Palpatine thinks General Grievous is on Utapau. We have had no reports of this from our agents.

MACE: (holo) How could the Chancellor have come by this information and we know nothing about it? We have had contact with Baron Papanoida and he said no one was there.

ANAKIN: A partial message was intercepted in a diplomatic packet from the Chairman of Utapau.

YODA: Act on this, we must. The capture of General Grievous will end this war. Quickly and decisively we should proceed.

OBI-WAN: Does everyone agree?

All the JEDI concur.

ANAKIN: The Chancellor has requested that I lead the campaign.

They all look at ANAKIN a bit disturbed.

MACE: (a little peeved) The Council will make up its own mind who is to go, not the Chancellor.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: Yes, this decision is ours to make.

ANAKIN is embarrassed and becomes sullen.

YODA: A Master is needed, with more experience.

MACE: Given our resources, I recommend we send only one Jedi . . . Master Kenobi.

ANAKIN: He was not so successful the last time he met Grievous.

OBI-WAN throws ANAKIN a dirty look.

ANAKIN: (continuing) No offense, my Master, but I’m only stating a fact.

OBI-WAN: Oh no, you’re quite right, but I do have the most experience with his ways of combat.

YODA: Obi-Wan, my choice is.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: I concur. Master Kenobi should go.

YODA: I agree.

All the JEDI concur.

MACE: Very well. Council is adjourned.

ANAKIN is angry.

MACE: (continuing) Obi-Wan, prepare two clone brigades as quickly as you can. If this report is true, there’s no telling how many battle droids he may have with him.

91 INT. KASHYYYK-HOLOGRAM AREA-DAY

YODA gets out of his chair and walks to the edge of the platform.

CLONE COMMANDER GREE: The droids have started up their main power generators.

YODA: Then now the time is, Commander.

CLONE COMMANDER GREE: Yes, sir.

The battle begins.

92 EXT. KASHYYYK-BEACH HEAD-DAY

A WOOKIEE CHIEFTAIN lets out a roar as the Wookiee army rushes to face the DROID ARMY. CORPORATE ALLIANCE TANK DROIDS race across the water against the WOOKIEES and CLONE TROOPERS on the beach. DROID GUNSHIPS provide air support, while a SPIDER DROID emerges from the watery depths. A brave WOOKIEE places an explosive on a SEPARATIST TANK and jumps off just before the TANK EXPLODES. From the Hologram Area, Yoda observes the ongoing battle.

I like the bit there in which Anakin takes a shot at Obi Wan’s Jedi fighting skills (not included in the film, obviously). But the main thrust of this scene is that the Council is going to resist what they see as Palpatine’s machinations, unaware as they are that Palpatine’s true purpose is to keep the Council pushing Anakin to be as resentful as possible. They play right into Palpatine’s hands, over and over and over again. What might have been, had they decided to just let Anakin have that assignment?

One last note: I love the Thai-influenced design of the planet Kashyyyk. Getting to finally see that planet is a nice reward. (No, we did not see it on the Holiday Special. That did NOT happen.)

And that’s where we’ll stop for this time. Stay tuned to see Anakn get closer and closer to Darthiness!

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Something for Thursday

I played this piece via a band arrangement in college…and I hated it. At first. I thought it was cheesy, goofy, insipid, and idiotic. But the thing grew on me, and kept right on growing, until it became one of my favorite pieces. There’s a kind of maniacal glee behind it that makes me happy, and I’m all about the glee these days! Here is the Polka and Fugue from Schwanda the Bagpiper.

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