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Every summer, Buffalo News sports columnist Jerry Sullivan composes a rather difficult baseball trivia quiz (I never get any of the answers). The new one is up today, for the baseball-inclined and the baseball-knowledgable. (This is about the only thing Sullivan ever writes that I enjoy.)

The quiz’s answers, for reasons passing understanding, are not linked in the online version of the article. But never fear; your fearless Buffalonian narrator has located the answers here.

(The Buffalo News tends to be less than attentive to the details of their Web presence. Case-in-point: the article of mine a few weeks ago was part of their “My View” series of guest columns. In the print edition of the paper, instead of giving would-be contributors the URL of the column guidelines, they offer this bit of advice: “For submission guidelines on columns appearing in this space, visit the Buffalo.com Web site and click on Front Page, then click on Opinion, click on My View and click on Guidelines.”

And when the “My View” columns appear in the paper’s online edition, do they link directly to the Guidelines? Nope. They print the exact same set of navigation directions. Come on, guys. The Web’s been around for, oh, a while now. Get with the program.)

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I’ve babbled a bit lately about Christopher Moore’s new book, Fluke, or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings. I finished it Friday night, as there just seemed to be something about July 4 that lent itself to reading a zany novel about a cetacean biologist investigating an odd mystery.

The mystery? Biologist Nathan Quinn is out on his boat one day, recording whale songs and trying to control his unclean thoughts regarding his very cute new research assistant, Amy, when a nearby feeding whale lifts its tail, and on the underside of the great animal’s flukes is written, “BITE ME”. Of course, Nathan chalks this up to hallucination, until his rich benefactor informs him that the whale has called her on the phone and asked Nate to being it a pastrami and Swiss on rye.

Much zaniness ensues, involving Nathan’s now-lesbian ex-wife, his partner who goes to great lengths to avoid dealing with emotions, a constantly-stoned Rastafarian wanna-be whose Jamaican accent constantly slips, a number of competitor scientists including one very bizarre fellow who studies whales and hates the water, and the requisite top-secret military project.

Fluke has all of the earmarks of Christopher Moore’s fiction. Most of his characters are people you’d love to hang out with, and the dialogue is, as always, wonderfully crisp. (Certain passages made me wonder if Moore could take over The West Wing next year, now that Aaron Sorkin is gone. But then, I don’t think Moore would do well with network TV constraints.) He keeps the jokes coming, one after the other; and one of the unique charms in Moore’s work is that he doesn’t provide elaborate set-ups for jokes. Most of his best ones take you completely by surprise, just rising up out of the depths of his plot and characters. You’re just reading along, and then you encounter something that has your beverage splattering all over the place.

What separates Fluke from Moore’s previous novels is that where he used the supernatural extensively in all of those books, here he is writing pretty-much straight science fiction. There’s a lot more depth of research here, and this story feels a lot more…plausible than Moore’s earlier efforts. That gives Fluke a uinque flavor amongst Christopher Moore’s corpus. Not a better flavor, nor even a worse one, mind you; but it’s refreshing because it shows a side of Moore as a writer that makes me think it’ll be a long time before Moore loses his freshness.

Fluke may be the second-best novel about a whale ever written. (Ten points from Gryffindor if you can’t name the first.) But it’s definitely the best whale story since Star Trek IV, and it’s way better than Orca. (Has anyone out there seen that movie? The Jaws rip-off with Richard Harris? Anyone?)

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To all of my American readers, Happy Fourth of July. And to all my non-American readers, don’t worry — the United States will not allow those pesky Canadians to take over the world without a fight.

And to my Canadian readers…we’re watching you. Buffalo is ever vigilant!

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In Congress, July 4, 1776,

THE UNANIMOUS DECLARATION OF THE THIRTEEN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the Powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That, to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed. That, whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such Principles and organizing its Powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and, accordingly, all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But, when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.





He has refused his Assent to Laws the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of People, unless those People would

relinquish the right of Representation in the legislature; a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their

Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the People.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws of Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of Peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his protection, and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens, taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions, We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free People.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in GENERAL CONGRESS assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the rectitude of our intentions, DO, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly PUBLISH and DECLARE, That these United Colonies are, and of Right, ought to be free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that, as FREE and INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of right do. AND for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.





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Here’s a song we just don’t hear enough of anymore. I wonder why….

This land is your land, this land is my land

From California, to the New York Island

From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters

This land was made for you and me

As I was walking a ribbon of highway

I saw above me an endless skyway

I saw below me a golden valley

This land was made for you and me

Chorus

I’ve roamed and rambled and I’ve followed my footsteps

To the sparkling sands of her diamond deserts

And all around me a voice was sounding

This land was made for you and me

Chorus

The sun comes shining as I was strolling

The wheat fields waving and the dust clouds rolling

The fog was lifting a voice come chanting

This land was made for you and me

Chorus

As I was walkin’ – I saw a sign there

And that sign said – no tress passin’

But on the other side …. it didn’t say nothin!

Now that side was made for you and me!

Chorus

In the squares of the city – In the shadow of the steeple

Near the relief office – I see my people

And some are grumblin’ and some are wonderin’

If this land’s still made for you and me.

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SDB is interested in animation, it turns out. This surprises me, because I always figured he was mainly interested in ammunition. [Rim-shot]

(Actually, this is one of the things I love about hanging out in Blogistan. Bloggers are like the way Gandalf the Grey sums up Hobbits: You can learn everything there is to know about them in a month, and yet after years they can still surprise you.)

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK





Carcass of some kind of sea-creature that washed up on the coast of Chile.

Scientists aren’t really sure just what on earth this beastie is. Speculations include a giant octopus and discarded whale blubber. (How do whales “discard” blubber? How does that work? Anyone?)

Personally, I think it’s…a blancmange! They mean to win Wimbledon!!

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The official site of Kelly Sedinger: Reader, writer, photographer, and dreamer

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