Uncle George!

George Lucas appeared on The Daily Show the other day:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
George Lucas
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Nice little interview, although Jon Stewart commits the usual error at the beginning by assuming that for some reason, Darth Vader is going to be spending lots of time on Tatooine after he becomes Emperor Palpatine’s right-hand man. Seems more logical to me that chasing down Leia at the beginning of A New Hope is the first time he even gets near his old stomping ground after he buries his mother way back in Attack of the Clones….

Share This Post

100 Quotes Every Geek Should Know

This is a first here at Byzantium’s Shores: a post that arises because of something I saw on my Twitter feed. Specifically, it’s a list of 100 Quotes Every Geek Should Know. Well, there’s a fine old Interweb tradition with such lists. I’m going to reproduce the list as follows: bold for quotes I not only recognize but can cite by the character who says it (if it’s a line of dialogue), and italic for quotes I recognize by source but can’t recall who said it. All others will be left as-is. I’m also removing the source attributions from each one, so you can play along!

1. “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”

2. “Three rings for the Elven kings under the sky, seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, nine for the mortal men doomed to die, one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring the bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.”

3. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

4. “Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do….spank it?”

5. “With great power there must also come — great responsibility.”

6. “If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you oughtta go back home and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here. It’s wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it’s not for the timid.”

7. “Five card stud, nothing wild. And the sky’s the limit”

8. “If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want… Well, that’s where you’re right. But – and I am only saying that because I care – there’s a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.”

9. “We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog.”

10. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”

11. “I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.”

12. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

13. “Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”

14. “Bill, strange things are afoot at the Circle K.”

15. “Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.”

16. “Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There’s some spooky shit goin’ on there. And it’s green too.”

17. “Alright, alright alright.”

18. “Heya, Tom’, it’s Bob from the office down the hall. Good to see you, buddy; how’ve you been? Things have been alright for me except that I’m a zombie now. I really wish you’d let us in.”

19. “Never argue with the data.”

20. “Oooh right, it’s actually quite a funny story once you get past all the tragic elements and the over-riding sense of doom.”

21. “Fantastic!”

22. “I must not fear. / Fear is the mind-killer. / Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. / I will face my fear. / I will permit it to pass over me and through me. / And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see
its path. / Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. / Only I will remain.”

23. “This is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society?”

24. “Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.”

25. “No matter where you go, there you are. ”

26. “Do you know of the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.”

27. “Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!”

28. “Greetings, programs!” -Flynn, TRON

29. “I guess you picked the wrong god-damned rec room to break into, didn’t you?!”

30. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

31. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid.”

32. “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

33. “It’s a moral imperative.”

34. “Talk with your mouth full / bite the hand that feeds you / bite off more than you can chew / dare to be stupid”

35. “Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.”

36. “This episode was BADLY written!”

37. “Worst. Episode. Ever.”

38. “Goonies never say die.”

39. “Nothing shocks me–I’m a scientist.”

40. “Bright light! Bright light!”

41. “The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began/Now far ahead the Road has gone/And I must follow, if I can/Pursuing it with eager feet/Until it joins some larger way/Where many paths and errands meet/And whither then? I cannot say.”

42. “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”

43. “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”

44. “Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?”

45. “Don’t call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight blob of grease!”

46. “I’d just as soon kiss a wookiee!”

47. “But one thing’s sure: Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody’s responsible.”

48. “I know kung fu.”

49. “This is your receipt for your husband… and this is my receipt for your receipt.”

50. “Your soul-suckin’ days are over, amigo!”

51. “I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.”

52. “Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?”

53. “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”

54. “There is no Earthly way of knowing… which direction we are going. There is no knowing where we’re rowing, or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a’blowing? Not a speck of light is showing so the danger much be growing. Are the fires of hell a’glowing? Is the grisley reaper mowing? YES! The danger must be growing for the rowers keep on rowing AND THEY’RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!”

55. “Time…to die.”

56. “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds”

57. “Check, please.”

58. “So say we all.”

59. “After very careful consideration, sir, I’ve come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.”

60. “I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.”

61. “No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for.”

62. “Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.”

63. “He’s dead, Jim.”

64. “Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint – it’s delicious!”

65. “Bring out your dead.”

66. “My name is Inigo Montoyo. You killed my father. Prepare to die!”

67. “Why a duck? Why-a no chicken?”

68. “Redrum.”

69. “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.”

70. “We’re going to need a bigger boat.”

71. “Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.”

72. “Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

73. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”

74. “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

75. “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”

76. “You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

77. “Klaatu barada nikto.”

78. “Monsters from the Id.”

79. “ET phone home.”

80. “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

81. “We thought you was a toad!” – Delmar, O Brother Where Art Thou?

82. “Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!”

83. “You don’t have to be a gun.”

84. “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!”

85. “Yeah, well. The Dude abides.”

86. “All things serve the beam.”

87. “You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!”

88. “Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”

89. “And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…”

90. “Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.”

91. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”

92. “Gimme some sugar, baby.”

93. “Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and sh*t… and Jack left town.”

94. “Kneel before Zod.”

95. “Shall we play a game?”

96. “Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.”

97. “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” “Hit it!”

98. “Make it so” / “Engage”

99. “Ya Ta!”

100. “End Of Line”

Fun stuff!

Share This Post

Trekkin’

A couple of Star Trek related notes:

:: Ron Moore confirms what many have suspected over the years: that the technobabble on Star Trek: The Next Generation was just made up, fill-in-the-blanks type stuff.

“It became the solution to so many plot lines and so many stories,” Moore said. “It was so mechanical that we had science consultants who would just come up with the words for us and we’d just write ‘tech’ in the script. You know, Picard would say ‘Commander La Forge, tech the tech to the warp drive.’ I’m serious. If you look at those scripts, you’ll see that.”

This comes as absolutely no surprise, obviously. The over-reliance on technobabble has always been what keeps me from ranking TNG as high as The Original Series or Deep Space Nine, both of which had much greater emphasis on their characters. TNG was at its best when it used character to its advantage, but so often it felt as if the producers just didn’t trust their characters and their cast to carry the weight fully, which is why we ended up with so many episodes where a problem is discovered, we investigate the problem for a while, and then wait until the last ten minutes when Data or Wesley would come up with the pulse or beam or blast of some kind of particle that would fix the problem with the space-time continuum.

:: That said, I was recently discussing Star Trek ’09 (which is how I now refer to the recent movie, which I discussed some months ago) with a friend at work, who was baffled as to why I had such a hard time buying into the events of the movie when I would cheerfully swallow the idea of, say, the Genesis Device. I thought that a fair question: why did I have such a hard time with the notion of a drop of “red matter” creating a black hole in the middle of a planet, while I would accept the idea of a torpedo the size of a refrigerator converting a dead planet into one with a nice biosphere?

Well, I don’t know, really. Part of it is probably how the ideas are treated. The Genesis Device is constantly referred to as an “experiment” in Trek II and shown as an outright failure in Trek III, for one thing. For another, though, the Genesis Device didn’t come on the heels of a long list of Star Trek doomsday devices, substances, and elements. The Genesis device was a new item, but now, with Trek ’09, I’ve heard a lot more along the way. Trilithium, which can halt the nuclear reactions in a star. The Tox Uthat, which does the same thing. There are many more in that vein. It gets harder and harder for Star Trek to come up with threats like these.

It also hurts the cause of the “Red Matter” when the film in question is chock-full of all manner of SF whoppers. I’ve generally found that I’ll accept something that is clearly bollocks as long as it’s not literally bollocks. That’s another part of why I can accept the Genesis Device: my brain accepts it as a fully fictional item, and I’m fine. But Trek ’09 gives us things like black holes taking one back in time, supernovas that threaten to destroy the entire galaxy, and so on. By the time we get to an explanation of “red matter”, Trek ’09 has, for me, worn out its quota of scientific-implausibility forgiveness.

:: A tiny detail also glared out at me upon re-watching the movie. At one point, Kirk, and the rest of our heroes, are at Starfleet Academy, where he decides to take the Kobayashi Maru test for the third time. In a scene with McCoy, he says he’s taking it “tomorrow”. That night, though, he’s making out with a green-skinned cadet who happens to be Nyota Uhura’s roommate. Uhura comes in and describes a distress call she’s just intercepted from the Klingons, in which an entire Klingon armada has been destroyed by a Romulan ship. OK.

Cut to the next morning, when Kirk is beating the Kobayashi Maru test after reprogramming it. This causes scandal, so there is a full tribunal of, it appears, all of the Starfleet cadets in Kirk’s class. As the tribunal goes on, a distress call from Vulcan comes through, causing Starfleet to mobilize its fleet. Off everyone goes to their ships, with cadets first being assigned to various vessels, then flying to them by shuttle. Some legerdemain on McCoy’s part gets Kirk on board the Enterprise, and after some more stuff surrounding the launch, Kirk listens to the ship’s briefing on what’s happening and realizes that Vulcan is under attack. He races to the bridge to tell Captain Pike what he’s learned…citing the attack on the Klingon fleet as evidence. So far so good…except that he says that the attack happened last night.

Wait a minute.

So, all of the above has happened in one day. Kirk’s reprogramming of the Kobayashi Maru test, his taking of the test, the suspicion and investigation of his possible cheating, the mobilization of Starfleet and the launch of an entire fleet whose crews haven’t even been assigned yet. Yeah, I have trouble with that.

:: I’ve decided that, at long last, I believe the entire Kobayashi Maru test to be complete BS.

We’ve seen the Kobayashi Maru test twice now: in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and in Star Trek ’09. The idea seems pretty simple: it puts a cadet into a situation from which there is no possibility of a “win”, and thereby tests what the cadets do in a “no-win” situation.

The scenario depicted in both instances is the same: a distress call is received from a damaged ship, the Kobayashi Maru, in the Neutral Zone. It’s illegal to enter the Zone and is seen by Klingons as an act of war, so the cadets have a hard choice: respect the Neutral Zone and allow the Kobayashi Maru to die, or embark on a rescue mission. Both films establish, through dialog, that rescue is impossible, so then the choice becomes fight-or-flee. So the possible resolutions seem to be these: attempt no rescue, attempt a rescue but abandon it as soon as the shooting starts, and attempt a rescue and go down in flames with the ship. Hence the “no-win” scenario.

In Wrath of Khan, Admiral Kirk tells Saavik that the Kobayashi Maru test is a “test of character”, presumably to see how cadets deal with the “no-win scenario”. It’s “facing death”, Kirk says: “How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life”. And later on, when Saavik learns that Kirk actually cheated to beat the test, she replies: “Then you never have faced that situation. Faced death.” I’ve always found that line extremely odd. Kirk hasn’t “faced death”? The guy who stood and watched as Edith Keeler died, who had to kill his own best friend (Gary Mitchell), and so on and so forth? He never “faced death” because he cheated his way out of a fake test? Right.

In Trek ’09, we have the afore-mentioned tribunal after Kirk cheats. Spock tells Kirk that he has failed to grasp the point of the test: it is to ensure that cadets in command situations have “experience fear” and dealt with it in a command situation.

So, the Kobayashi Maru test is, basically, a device to make cadets “face death” and “experience fear”. But the problem is this: by its very nature, the Kobayashi Maru test can do neither of those things.

If you’re a Starfleet cadet taking the Kobayashi Maru test, the problem is this: you know you’re taking a test. How can you “experience fear” or “face death” in any kind of meaningful way when you know that you are not on the bridge of a starship but in a simulator on the planet Earth? You are not facing death when you know that you’re not actually ordering a starship into the Neutral Zone to rescue a ship that doesn’t exist, and you can not be filled with fear — other than the typical kinds of academic fear, such as what will my fellow cadets think of me when I fail this again or how embarrassing will the post-test talk with the professors be — when you know that you’re not facing any kind of real situation.

Basically, the Kobayashi Maru test by its very nature can reveal nothing meaningful about those who take it. It’s an interesting diversion and nothing more. (And really, the only reason they came up with it in the first place was so that Trek II could fake us out at the beginning, since everybody knew that Spock was going to die at the end of the flick — I know that when I saw the movie as a ten-year-old kid, I saw Spock “perish” as the bridge burned after the Klingon attack, and I thought, “Wait, they killed him in the first five minutes?!”)

Interestingly, this kind of test was actually handled in much more convincing fashion in an early episode of The Next Generation, called “Coming of Age”. In this episode, Wesley Crusher is undergoing testing to see if he makes it into Starfleet Academy yet. It’s all typical academic stuff, although there’s something called a “Psych Test”, which is tailored to each student individually based on their psychological profile. The day comes for Wesley’s, and he goes into the room where he’s to take it, whereupon he hears a distant explosion. Getting up and leaving to investigate, he finds that a laboratory down the hall has erupted into fire, endangering two scientists. The room is about to be sealed, and Wesley can only get one guy out himself, so he makes his choice and drags the one guy he can out before the room is sealed, killing the other scientist.

Of course, the whole explosion was the test, and both scientists are fine. The test for Wesley was to see if he could, in a desperate situation, make the kind of decision that cost someone their life (since his father had died years before when another officer had made a similar decision). But what made it effective was that at no point during the test did Wesley ever realize that this was the test itself. The Kobayashi Maru test isn’t like that at all; especially not in Trek ’09, when the cadet in the Captain’s chair can actually see the professors watching him, in the overhead galleries.

:: Finally, I hope the next movie reveals that Gaila, Uhura’s green-skinned roommate, wasn’t killed in the incredibly-short Battle of Vulcan. I found her both hot and cute. For a green-skinned Orion girl.

OK, I’m done geeking out for now.

Share This Post

Jax for short, which he ain’t

The other day, my sister-in-law gave birth to her first child, a boy, who is now my first nephew. His name is “Jaxon”.

Maybe it’s my curse as a lifelong (well, for all intents and purposes, anyway) Star Wars geek, but there’s a special set of Star Wars geeks whose memories would be piqued, maybe with fondness and maybe not, by the name “Jaxon”.

Back in 1977, Marvel Comics got the rights to do the comics adaptation of Star Wars, and their adaptation ran in issues 1-6 of their SW comic. After that, however, the book kept running, telling stories that took place in the days following the destruction of the Death Star. It was the first attempt at an “Extended Universe”. (In truth, some of those stories weren’t half-bad, honestly. Although some of them were that bad.)

The first storyline after Star Wars had Han Solo and Chewbacca leaving the Alliance so they could finally pay of Jabba the Hutt. En route to Tatooine, they are raided by space pirates, who steal all of the money Han intends for Jabba. Now poor again, Han and Chewie arrive on a dirt-poor world called Aduba-3, where they quickly find themselves approached by villagers whose lives are tormented by a gang of criminals led by a guy named Serji-X Arrogantus. Han and Chewie take the job, hiring a motley group of warriors and space pirates to fight off the interlopers. Yes, it’s The Magnificent Seven or The Seven Samurai meet Star Wars; among Han’s hires are an old and dotty man claiming to be a Jedi Knight (called “Don Wan Kihotay”), a walking porcupine who shoots quills, and a seven-foot-tall green rabbit.

I’m not making that last up:

There he is. His name? JAXXON!

I was really hoping they would use two X’s in the spelling, to make this reference perfect — but still, this is pretty cool stuff. Call him ‘Jax’ for short, which he ain’t.

Share This Post

On crap, and the liking thereof

Jason likes crap:

OMG… I like crap.

The things the sophisticates, connoisseurs, intellectuals, and hipsters generally decry as lowbrow, superficial, or — how I have come to loathe this word! — cheesy are often the things I most enjoy. And in turn the things that make them gush with enthusiasm and sweet, sticky joy tend to leave me, well, unimpressed.

He then goes on to give a list of crappy things that he likes. Since I tend to think that “crap” is a matter of pure personal definition — I reject the notion of objective standards of “goodness”, pretty much — it’s better to say that he gives a list of things that he likes that are generally perceived out there as being “crap”.

Well, I can play that game too!

:: My adoration for the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy is well established. (Hmmm, I should resume “Fixing the Prequels” one of these days.)

:: I don’t like Two and a Half Men as much as Jason seems to, but I do find it more amusing than most of the “critics” out there.

:: Sure, I admire the music of Bernard Herrmann. But if I’m in the mood to listen to some film music, I will most times choose to listen to Hans Zimmer before I listen to Herrmann.

:: I don’t see Kurt Cobain as a brooding genius; I just see him as a guy who brooded a lot.

:: I’m sure it’s awesome and all, but from looking at the premise, I have less than zero interest in The Wire.

:: I like The Mentalist (although it would be nice if the title character would be stone wrong once in a while).

:: I think LOST is a dull and pretentious bore of a show.

:: I never understood why Homicide was such a touted show.

:: I don’t think that the animated films from Disney after, say, The Lion King are mostly crap. (I also don’t think that The Lion King is as good as most people think.)

:: Recent seasons of The Simpsons still amuse me.

:: I like the series just fine, but George RR Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire is, for me, most certainly not the best thing to hit epic fantasy since The Lord of the Rings. (I was especially disappointed by the most recent volume, and I frankly do not expect this series to ever be completed. I think it will be fantasy’s Mystery of Edwin Drood.)

You get the idea.

Share This Post

Ten geek demerits for me….

A few days ago, Steven Den Beste posted a quickie item:

40 years ago, FRP was born. And because of that, a lot of babies weren’t.

This puzzled me. See, in my job as a maintenance man, I have to work with FRP on occasion, occasionally mounting FRP panels to the backs of fixtures at The Store or even attaching FRP panels to walls. I thought this post over, unable to figure out why the advent of FRP paneling, especially in food-service environments, might lead to a reduction in certain birth rates.

And then I clicked through SDB’s link, and realized that he wasn’t referring to Fiber-reinforced Plastic. He was referring to Fantasy Role Playing. I think my geek cred may be slipping a bit.

Share This Post

"Double dumb-ass on you!"


"Double dumb-ass on you!", originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

So I was watching Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home last night, and one little detail caught my eye during the scene where Kirk and Spock are riding the BART bus over to Sausalito so they can visit the Cetacean Institute and plot their rescue of two whales. This very brief shot comes right after Spock nerve-pinches the rude punk-rocker. Why did I screengrab this?

Because if you look close, you can see that a rider over on the left there, a couple of rows in front of Kirk and Spock, is holding a copy of the late and long-lamented OMNI Magazine. If I could resurrect a single periodical publication, at the same level of quality as at its height, I’d choose OMNI. That mag was such a fun read. The only thing now that comes close is WIRED, but WIRED lacks OMNI‘s willingness to go right into areas of pure speculation, if not outright mysticism.

Maybe now that they’ve brought whales into the 23rd century, Kirk and company could bring OMNI into the 21st!

Share This Post

You can call me Mr. Filion.

A while back, I opined on Facebook that currently, the world’s reigning God Emperor of Coolness is William Shatner. It is my belief that while Fonzie can snap his fingers to make the jukebox start up, a snap of William Shatner’s fingers will cause all four original Beatles to materialize out of thin air, instruments in hand, to play a set.

I will now add a corollary: Shatner is God Emperor of Coolness, but the Crown Prince is Nathan Fillion.

Here’s an older appearance by Fillion on Jimmy Kimmel’s show:

All hail the future God Emperor of Coolness!

Share This Post