Tag: Geek Stuff

part one
part two

Continuing our re-imagining of The Phantom Menace, we are now at the droid invasion of Naboo and the rescue of the Queen.

Before I begin, a couple of points that have occurred to me since I posted the first two installments of this series:

:: The words “Roger Roger!” should never be uttered by a battle droid or anybody else. First, “Roger” as a response to a command is way too Earth-reminiscent for a Star Wars movie. Second, “Roger Roger!” makes me think of the classic scene in Airplane!. You know the scene I mean. All we need is a droid named “Oveur” and we’re all set.

:: In comments to the last post, Jason makes the point that the Gungan’s use of a pidgin form of English doesn’t work; he’d just give them an alien tongue of their own and use subtitles, the way most alien species in Star Wars are handled. I suppose that’s a fair point, but for the most part, the pidgin thing never really bothers me (except in places where it gets too hard to understand), and if we subtitle the Gungans, we’d have to explain how everyone understands them or have protocol droids standing around to do translating or whatever.

OK, onto the movie. The droid army has landed in the forests of Naboo and are now advancing on Theed, the capital city. This whole sequence is pretty effective, I think, except that we don’t really get a sense of the population of Naboo. This is actually a more generic problem I’ve always had with TPM; there’s just not that much of a sense of the Naboo society. As the battle droids and their machines enter Theed (the capital city of Naboo), we should see the citizenry being rounded up and taken to the “camps” that the droids refer to. Now, this being Star Wars and all, this doesn’t have to be a Schindler’s List type of thing; it doesn’t need to feature brutal violence a la the liquidation of the Krakow ghetto. But there isn’t that much sense of a forced invasion in the finished movie. There should be some shots of battle droids rounding up normal people, forcing them out of their homes, little kids being forced apart from their friends and toys, and the like.

There’s a brief shot of Queen Amidala standing at a window watching sadly as the droid armies enter her city. At this point, I’d add something like this:

Queen Amidala watches as the droid armies approach the palace. In the distance, her citizens are being rounded up and led away. A transport approaches, and Nute Gunray disembarks. Captain Panaka comes up to her from behind.

PANAKA: My Lady, we must take you into hiding.

AMIDALA: I will not go into hiding. My fate will be that of my people.

PANAKA: My Lady, please.

AMIDALA: Go, Captain. I will come when I am ready.

Panaka recognizes that he will not win this argument and leaves. Amidala turns to one of her handmaidens, who is standing nearby.

HANDMAIDEN: Your Majesty?

AMIDALA: We must do what we discussed before. We have very little time.

HANDMAIDEN: I will serve you well, My Lady.

And then we’d cut to the Bongo emerging from the water, in the middle of the river.

Seeing this the first time, we of course wouldn’t know what plan the Queen is hatching, but it would establish that there is a plan. Thus, in the third act of the film when the Queen reveals that she has been “hiding in plain sight” all along, using her handmaiden as a decoy, we’d already be prepared for it: the old idea of Anton Chekhov’s that the gun that is fired in the third act needs to be on the mantelpiece in the first act. Also, from a standpoint of character, we’d get a hint that maybe this young girl of a Queen isn’t quite as naïve and overmatched in the face of superior force than we’ve been already led to believe.

OK. The two Jedi and Jar Jar arrive in the middle of Theed and come ashore. In the original script there’s some stuff about their narrow escape as their sub is pulled over a waterfall (this was actually filmed and can be seen as a deleted scene on the TPM DVD). No, I wouldn’t restore this; it doesn’t really add much. I would add a small bit of dialogue after the Jedi have come ashore:

OBI WAN: We’re too late, Master. The droid army is already here.

QUI GON: We must still find the Queen, and if she is already a prisoner, we will free her and take her to Coruscant. (turns to Jar Jar) Go in peace, Gungan. Your debt to me is paid.

JAR JAR: But where will mesa go? Mesa does not know–

QUI GON: (waves hand) You will go someplace else.

JAR JAR: Mesa go someplace else.

Jar Jar wanders off; Qui Gon and Obi Wan run off in another direction.

QUI GON: In a large city like this, the largest streets will lead to the Palace. That is where we must go.

There’s a scene where the Queen and her entourage are escorted as prisoners out of the Palace; Nute Gunray says something like “In time the suffering of your people will compel you to sign the treaty.” All I’d change here would be to add something to Gunray’s line like, “You should have given us permission to use your trade routes when you had the chance. Now you will all pay a heavier price.” I’d only add that in order to give some small idea as to what the dispute here is, in the first place.

We would then see the Queen’s entourage being led away from the Palace, while they would be shadowed by Qui Gon and Obi Wan, who are waiting until they reach a perfect secluded place to spring their attack. Before they attack, I’d have them observe the approaching party using a pair of macrobinoculars, mainly because the view through macrobinoculars is one of those iconic visuals of the original trilogy. And I’d have an exchange like this:

OBI WAN: The Queen – she is a child!

QUI GON: She is young, but hardly a child. Judge her not by her age, young padawan…she is the same age you were when you accompanied me against the uprising on Ord Mandell.

OBI WAN: Yes, master.

Why do this? Well, it would disarm the whole “They elected a teenager to rule their whole planet!” thing a bit, and even better, it would predispose the audience to take Anakin Skywalker more seriously when we meet him later on.

When their attack on the droids finally comes, I’d have them jump down from the balcony as in the movie, with Qui Gon leaping forward to engage the battle droids on his side of the fight. Meanwhile, Obi Wan would do the same – and, referring back to his failure earlier (see previous post) to seal his lightsaber before going underwater, he’d try to ignite his saber only to see the blade flicker and fail. I’d have the action sequence progress then with Qui Gon doing his “tiptoe through the battle droids” thing, but with Obi Wan having to evade blaster fire and fight the droids without the benefit of his lightsaber. He’d use the Force to toss one droid into another, to dodge laser blasts, and the like. He’d have to think fast, of course, and get creative with the Force, and maybe he’d even be overmatched at first before he gets his bearings and figures things out until Qui Gon saves him:

OBI WAN: I am sorry, Master.

QUI GON: You did well using the Force, young Padawan. Just have more care in the future. The Force will guide you. Always trust it.

SIO BIBBLE: [this is the white-haired governor guy, one of the Queen’s main advisors] Who are you?

QUI GON: I am Qui Gon Jinn, and this is my apprentice, Obi Wan Kenobi. We are the Ambassadors, sent by the Chancellor to force a settlement.

HANDMAIDEN: (the same one as before) The Chancellor sent Jedi Knights as his ambassadors?

The Queen silences the handmaiden with a glance.

PANAKA: Your negotiations have failed, Ambassador.

QUI GON: Our negotiations never took place. The situation here is far more explosive than even the Chancellor predicted. Your Highness, we must take you to Coruscant and meet with Chancellor Valorum.

PANAKA: Leave Naboo? With the Queen gone, the Federation army will only tighten their grip on the system!

OBI WAN: There seems to be little we could do to prevent that, even if we stayed.

QUI GON: If the Federation takes you, they will destroy you.

SIO BIBBLE: They wouldn’t dare!

PANAKA: They need her to sign a treaty to make their occupation of Naboo legal. They can’t afford to kill her.

QUI GON: They have dared much already, sir. They have dared to blockade your system’s trade routes, and they have dared invade a fellow sovereign system of the Republic. Their actions are not those of a powerful Federation embroiled in a simple trade dispute with a small and peaceful system. There is no logic to what they have done here, unless something else is at work that we do not yet know. Your Majesty, my feelings tell me they will destroy you if you stay.

The Queen glances at her handmaiden, who nods.

HANDMAIDEN: We go where you go, Majesty.

AMIDALA: Then we will go to Coruscant and plead our case with the Senate.

Sio Bibble nods.

SIO BIBBLE: With you at his side, Senator Palpatine may be able to convince the Senate to help us.

QUI GON: Do you have a ship?

PANAKA: In the main hangar. This way.

He gestures to a passage that leads through a tunnel beneath a larger building. However, as they begin to move, two battle droids emerge from the shadow and level their blasters at the party.

BATTLE DROID: Freeze! Hands up, prisoners.

Qui Gon’s lightsaber is in his hand instantly, but even as he ignites the blade and moves forward, a giant stone flowerpot drops from a balcony above and crushes the battle droids. All eyes look up to the balcony to see a grinning Jar Jar, who has pushed the flowerpot from its ledge.

JAR JAR: Hello!

Jar Jar drops nimbly to the pavement.

JAR JAR: Mesa tried to find my way back to the forests, but mesa got lost…and then mesa heard fighting, and since wesa Gungans are warriors–

QUI GON: Well done, my friend. You may be a warrior yet, and I see now how hard it truly is for anyone to banish you.

Jar Jar grins.

QUI GON: Now, your ship, Captain?

PANAKA: Grab their weapons. This way.

His men take up the blasters of the dead battle droids; the currently weaponless Obi Wan grabs one too. Then they run off into the city.

I like how Lucas has one of the handmaidens speak up in his original scene, a bit out of place; this ends up making sense later on when we learn that she is the Queen after all. I’d emphasize that, just a little, by having it happen more than once. Also, note that there’s a reason now for Jar Jar to be tagging along, and he’s even proven his worth a little. (Also notice how he’s always getting cut off in mid-sentence.)

I also like how Lucas made the situation on Naboo rather confusing, putting the Jedi off their game a bit because of the seeming lack of a point behind what’s going on.

Now we’d cut to the hangar bay, where the Queen’s entourage would enter, led by the two Jedi:

PANAKA: We need to free those pilots.

OBI WAN: (brandishing blaster) I’ll take care of that.

Qui Gon approaches the battle droids guarding th ship’s entrance, while Obi Wan approaches the droids guarding the captive pilots.

QUI GON: I am an ambassador to the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. These people are under my protection, and I am taking them to Coruscant.

BATTLE DROID: You are under arrest!

The fight would take place pretty much as in the film, but with Obi Wan using the blaster he’s commandeered instead of his lightsaber to dispatch the battle droids guarding the pilots. Ric Olie, the head pilot, would start warming up the ship’s engines as the others board. Then, as Qui Gon and Obi Wan stand at the bottom of the entry ramp, keeping an eye out for other battle droids, I’d add this exchange just before they board the ship themselves:

OBI WAN: No destroyer droids. This is going well.

QUI GON: Droids are slow to react to the unexpected. The blockade ships will be ready for us, though. Come.

They turn to board the ship, but just before doing so, Qui Gon turns back to his apprentice, takes the blaster from his hand, and tosses it aside.

QUI GON: When we’ve escaped into hyperspace, please fix your lightsaber. You’re a Jedi, not a Corellian.

OBI WAN: Yes master.

And then the ship would blast off into space.

In our next installment, we meet some really important folks: Darth Maul, R2-D2, and a kid named Anakin Skywalker who will have an important role to play in the entire Star Wars tale. Also, in the next installment we’ll fix the single worst scene in Star Wars history. Tune in!

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part one

As we continue fixing The Phantom Menace, we have reached the point where Qui Gon and Obi Wan have escaped death on the Trade Federation ship and are sneaking down to the surface of Naboo. There’s a scene where Queen Amidala speaks to Nute Gunray, and this scene is followed by the Queen conferring with her highest counselors. I would change none of this. I like the mystery here as it’s unfolding: the Queen’s belief that the ambassadors have arrived and commanded the Federation to make settlement, while the Federation insists that the ambassadors have never arrived. Likewise, the scene in the Naboo throne room is well done, and I’d leave that alone completely. Where I’d start tweaking things is when we reconnected with the two Jedi.

Remember, Qui Gon and Obi Wan have stowed away on separate ships and plan to meet somehow on the planet surface. Nute Gunray warns his battle droid captain that the two Jedi are no longer aboard the ship in orbit, and that they are therefore almost certainly stowing away. This sets up a bit of sneaking around for the Jedi, but this sneaking around didn’t happen onscreen, which is a bit of a pity. In reality, the original script has things going slightly differently as was filmed. As the droid army ships land, we see Obi Wan pop his head out of a pond, look around, and then disappear again beneath the water. Then we’d cut to the Viceroy warning the droid captain that the two Jedi have escaped the orbiting ship and are therefore likely on the planet. And after that, we meet Jar Jar Binks.

Okay. Before getting to specifics, let’s discuss Jar Jar in general. Basically, Jar Jar is probably the single most hated facet of the prequel trilogy. While I never hated him – in fact, I rather like him – he’s got some serious execution problems. He gets a bit too much screen time, and he’s almost uniformly the goofy screwball for the entire time, not getting a moment where he can just stand there are quietly talk until late in the movie, by which time it’s too late. So that’s a place to begin with fixing Jar Jar.

It’s also interesting to note that Jar Jar isn’t just along for the ride; he has a definite character arc, mainly in TPM but also in the remaining PT. Jar Jar is the annoying kid who screws up a lot, but who has a lot of heart and ends up doing fairly well by himself and by his people. Where Lucas errs, then, is in not showing us early enough that Jar Jar has quite a bit of potential.

When we first see Jar Jar, he’s among the creatures running wildly in fear away from the giant droid army transports that are literally plowing their way through the forests of Naboo. Qui Gon is among these creatures, and finds Jar Jar directly in his way. Jar Jar, panicking, grabs onto Qui Gon and falls down, dragging the Jedi master to the ground with him, where they lay still as the droid transport moves right over the top of them. How to make this better? Well, I’d show a dispirited, lonely Jar Jar wandering lonely through the woods, searching for food – maybe he’d find a worm and reject it for taste – when he’d suddenly note an animal running by…and then another…and another, until it’s a full-fledged stampede. Then he’d see Qui Gon coming.

After the droid transport passes, I’d revise the ensuing dialog a bit:

QUI GON: You almost got us killed! Are you brainless?

JAR JAR: I spake.

QUI GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here!

JAR JAR: No! No…mesa stay with you. Mesa help. Mesa Gungan. Wesa warriors.

QUI GON: That won’t be necessary. Now go…

At this point, Obi Wan comes bursting out of some nearby vegetation, closely pursued by a battle droid on a floating attack vehicle. Qui Gon quickly dispatches the battle droid, and attention once again turns to Jar Jar. However, in the shooting script, there’s a bit that answers the question of why Obi Wan didn’t just destroy the battle droid himself. It seems that he got his lightsaber soaked and now the battery’s dead. I like this, and I’d keep it. Here’s the gist of what I’d do:

QUI GON: I see you’re wet…did you seal your lightsaber before going under?

OBI WAN: (sheepishly) I forgot, Master. I was near to being discovered, and —

QUI GON: Indeed.

He takes Obi Wan’s lightsaber and tries to ignite it; the blade fizzles and shorts out.

QUI GON: It’ll dry out in time, although it won’t work perfectly until you replace the crystal. Remember, Padawan, this weapon is your life.

OBI WAN: Yes, Master.

Reading through the shooting script, I find a lot of little touches that I really think would have enhanced the final product. I wish that George Lucas had been a bit more willing to indulge longer running times in the PT. Another benefit of including this bit would be to presage an exchange in the next film, and to further establish the teacher-student relationship between Qui Gon and Obi Wan.

Anyway, we move on to Jar Jar’s statement that the Jedi should go to the Gungan city, the hidden city. Here again I’d have Jar Jar point out that the Gungans are warriors. In fact, I’d drive this point home, the idea being that Jar Jar’s big problem is that he’s a failed warrior in a civilization of warriors. Other than that, I’ve always liked the entire bit with Jar Jar first saying that the Jedi should go to the Gungan City, then saying that he can’t take them there because he’s banished, and Qui Gon and Obi Wan manipulating Jar Jar’s fears to convince him to take them to the Gungan City after all: “Do you hear that? That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way.” “And if they find us, they will smash us, crush us, and grind us into oblivion!” I like that exchange a great deal.

So we’re at the lake where Jar Jar points out that they are going underwater. Here again I’d have Jar Jar point out that the Gungans are warriors, maybe in noting that the Jedi shouldn’t expect a warm welcome – something like, “Gungans are warriors and no liking strangers, so don’t expecting a warm welcome.”

And as long as I’m going into detailed stuff about TPM, I frankly think that the first sight of the Gungan city, as they swim over an underwater cliff and see all those golden bubbles hanging there before them, is one of those beautiful sights that fill each of the Star Wars movies. That’s one of the visuals that makes me a Star Wars fan.

The scene with Qui Gon and Obi Wan requesting aid of the Gungan rulers doesn’t really work as well as it should. First of all, that facial tic of Boss Nass’s – the one where he suddenly shakes his head and wobbles his jowls back and forth – needs to go. I’m not really sure what that’s all about.

Second, the scene should play the differences between the Gungans and the Naboo up a little more, and again, accentuate the “warrior Gungans” thing a bit more:

OBI WAN: When the droids have taken control of the Naboo, they will come after you.

BOSS NASS: Wesa no think so. They not knowing wesa are here. And wesa warriors! We can fight them if they come.

OBI WAN: But you and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one happens to the other. You must see this.

BOSS NASS: Dissen not true. Wesa no need the Naboo, wesa no care about the Naboo, and the Naboo no care about us. Yousa must leave now.

QUI GON: (waves his hand) Then speed us on our way….

And so on. When we get to Qui Gon’s intercession on Jar Jar’s behalf, I’d again alter the dialogue slightly:

QUI GON: What’s to become of Jar Jar Binks?

BOSS NASS: Hesa been banished three times, and hesa come back each time! So hesa to be punished.

I especially like here the benevolent smile Boss Nass gives when he indicates that Jar Jar is to be “punished”, followed by Jar Jar’s swallow of fear. The rest of this scene plays out all right, and then we’re into the whole transit through “the planet core”.

Now, I know that they’re not really going through the planet’s core. And I have no problem with that, OK? So no complaining about that. The entire underwater sequence of TPM has actually always been one of my favorite parts of the movie, and the only changes I would make would be mostly cosmetic. Jar Jar, for example, talks too much through the whole sequence.

There’s a line in the script that isn’t heard in the movie; Obi Wan asks of Qui Gon something like, “Master, why do you keep dragging these pathetic life forms with us?” I don’t know why that line got cut, since its echoing line later on the movie (on Tatooine) is still present. I suspect that it makes Obi Wan too much of an egoist jerk, but I’d rather that line have stayed. As they pilot the sub away from the Gungan City, something like this:

JAR JAR: Through the Core? In a bongo? Dis is nutsen.

OBI WAN: Why do we always end up with some pathetic life form tagging along with us?

QUI GON: All life is bound by the living Force, young Padawan, and even the strongest Jedi needs allies.

JAR JAR: Where we going?

QUI GON: You’re navigating, aren’t you?

JAR JAR: I no go through the Core in just a bongo! We get crunched dere!

QUI GON: Well then, the Force will guide us.

The sub steers into a deep hole, followed by a giant fish.

OBI WAN: Why were you banished, Jar Jar?

JAR JAR: Dis a longo tale but small part be…mesa clumsy.

OBI WAN: You were banished because you were clumsy?

Jar Jar looks sadder and sadder.

JAR JAR: Mesa never be Gungan warrior now.

In the actual script (and the film), Jar Jar goes on to describe some of the clumsy things he’s done. The problem is that it’s hard to understand what he’s talking about in the first place (what’s a “heyblibber”?), and it only serves to fill up some time while the big fish looms behind them. I think it works better if it’s just left at Jar Jar being clumsy, something we already know, and the unexplained nature of his banishment serves to better underscore his disappointment in himself (enhancing his character arc) and the manner in which he’s not representative of most Gungans.

Anyway, now the big fish attacks. I’d like to have seen this drawn out slightly before the even bigger fish attacks the big fish, freeing the sub. That said, Qui Gon’s sage observation that “There’s always a bigger fish” is a good line.

There’s a brief scene next on the bridge of the Trade Federation ship, where Nute Gunray reports to Darth Sidious that the invasion is going well. But he omits any mention of the Jedi who escaped, and when his second-in-command points this out, Gunray replies, “No need to report that to him until we have something to report.” I like this scene, and wouldn’t change anything about it.

Back to the sub, where they’re cruising along through the water when they lose power. I’d add an observation here as to the cause – “The smaller fish did some damage before the bigger fish got him, Master” – and then let it play out as in the movie. I like Jar Jar’s shrill panic, especially when the get the lights back on and find that they’re right in front of some other beastie. In fact, I’d have milked that a bit, and had Jar Jar’s shrieking go on a few seconds more before Qui Gon conks him out with the Jedi Nerve Pinch. (Well, that’s basically what it is, right?) However, instead of having Obi Wan say “You overdid it” – was Qui Gon not supposed to conk Jar Jar out? — I’d have Obi Wan simply say, with great relief, “Thank you!” For freakishly obsessive Star Wars fans, this would echo a similar moment between Han Solo, Princess Leia, and an incessantly-talking C-3PO in The Empire Strikes Back.

After they’d escape the second beastie to another bigger fish, I’d like to hear something like this:

QUI GON: We’re getting closer to the Naboo City. I can feel it in the Force.

OBI WAN: Good. I don’t know how many more bigger fish are going to save us, down here.

JAR JAR: (moaning from his sleep) Are wesa dere yet?

So there we have it: a beginning to the redemption of Jar Jar Binks. Next time, we’ll look at the invasion of Naboo, the rescue of the Queen, and the beginnings of Padme’s subterfuge.

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