Yeah, we can close the ballparks now.

UPDATED below.

Well, it’s official: as of today, June 3, 2010, I am finished with baseball. For good. Now, I haven’t been much of a baseball fan for a number of years, owing to a number of circumstances: my team (the Pirates) has sucked for so long that a baby born during the Pirates’ last winning season is probably out of high school now; few games are televised off cable anymore; the steroid era has made the game a hell of a lot less interesting; the game seems to take longer and longer and longer to play each year, with the World Series games often ending well after midnight.

But even so, there’s always been a part of me willing to claim to be a baseball fan “in waiting”, a fan in hibernation, perhaps, waiting for a time when the game would capture my interest again. I came to love baseball deeply in the late 80s and early 90s, when I took delight not just in the game’s slower general pace but in the way the game’s dramatic moments seem to last forever. It’s not like football, when there’s the snap and then the play’s going to run. No, in baseball, you have crucial situations where one guy is staring down another guy…and then, only then, the pitch….

No more of that, though. Baseball has, in my mind, killed itself.

In Detroit last night, a Tigers pitcher named Armando Galarraga took a perfect game into the top of the ninth. Perfect games are extremely rare; even though there have been two in the last month, in all of baseball history there have only been twenty of them. A perfect game is a game in which a pitcher never allows a single batter to reach base in any way: 27 guys come to the plate, 27 guys go down. No hits, no walks, nobody reaching base on an error or a passed ball, nobody reaching because they got hit by the pitch. Nobody goes to base. That’s a perfect game.

Galarraga takes his perfect game to the ninth, and gets the first two outs. One more out, and the game’s over and Galarraga is a part of baseball history. The hitter swings, putting the ball on the ground; the ball is fielded and thrown to the waiting first baseman, clearly in time for the out. Third out. Game over. Perfect game.

Except that the first base umpire called the runner safe.

In the history of bad sports officiating calls, this one will almost certainly rank in the top five, if not take the top spot outright. It was painfully obvious to everyone that the runner was out. Painfully so. The replay showed it. Everybody in the stadium knew it. The perfect game was ruined. After the game the umpire didn’t do any of the usual things officials do in these situations, talking about how it’s all “judgment calls” and how sometimes we get ’em wrong but we try real hard and it’s a shame and all but there it is. No, the umpire admitted that he’d blown it and proceeded to look so sad about it all that he almost seemed ready to sharpen a bat to a fine point that he might throw himself upon it.

The solution, of course, was as painfully obvious as the fact that the runner was out at first. All that needed done was for the Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig, to simply come out this morning and say: “The runner was out, and the game will be recorded in the books as having ended thusly. Therefore, Galarraga will be recognized officially as having thrown a perfect game.” Obvious. The right thing to do. No other course of action would suffice. This was an absolute slam-dunk of a decision.

And Selig didn’t make it. He said some mealy-mouthed bullshit about judgment calls and how sometimes we get ’em wrong but we try real hard and it’s a shame. And he’ll get some people together to look real hard at the rules. It’s every Person In Power’s favorite way of looking like they’re doing something about a problem when they really intend to do nothing about it at all: Appoint a commission! Form an investigative body! Discuss the rules!

But don’t fix what actually got broken in this case.

If the blown call had been the first or second out, Selig would have a strong case for not changing the call: We have no way of knowing what would have happened had the call gone correctly; maybe the next guy gets a hit. But in this case, it was the third out. We know exactly what would have happened had the call been made correctly: Galarraga’s teammates would have mobbed him on the mound in celebration of the completion of a perfect game.

I heard some people on the radio talking about how this put Selig in a very difficult position, and I was thinking, “No, it doesn’t. Never has the right thing to do been more clear!” Apparently it wasn’t, though. I heard someone else talk about the “integrity of the game”, which would be somehow violated if Selig overturned the on-field result.

“Integrity of the game”. That’s rich. Baseball, of all the major sports, is the one with the least amount of integrity, after its long history. The Black Sox. Owners treating players like indentured servants. Collusion to keep blacks out of the game. Collusion against free agent players. Drug abuse. Steroid abuse. Doing nothing to enhance the game’s popularity even as its popularity decreases a little more every single year. Time was when the World Series was a big deal; the teevee networks not airing it would schedule re-runs so as to not get crappy ratings for new episodes airing during the Series, and the Series used to start on a Saturday night, so if it went to six or seven games it would span two weekends, for even better ratings. Now, ratings are so far down that networks put whatever they want up against the Series and the Series itself starts on Wednesday, so that only one weekend is upset by it.

“Integrity of the game”. Nonsense. Baseball has zero integrity left to defend. Bud Selig was actually presented a gift-wrapped opportunity for baseball to be seen doing the right thing, for once. It would have been a unique situation, and baseball would look great in doing so. Instead…he’ll appoint a blue-ribbon commission to study the feasibility of possibly increasing the role of instant replay use in the officiating of baseball. Big whoop.

Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game last night, but instead of being on that list, Bud Selig apparently thinks that being on the “Close but no cigar” list is just fine. Galarraga deserves better than to be remembered in the same way that Harvey Haddix is remembered.

Bud Selig didn’t preserve the integrity of the game. All he did was chicken out when he had a chance to do good. But the owners love Selig, because he’s pretty much totally in their bag. And baseball will continue to become more and more irrelevant.

So yeah: I’m done with baseball. For good. Even when the Pirates stop sucking.

UPDATE 6-4-10:

A couple of readers comment to say, basically, that Selig changing the call would set precedent for all manner of calls being changed after the fact. To which I say, simply: nonsense.

Mary opines:

As for Selig — I think I agree with him. Sure, this particular time it’s the last out of the game. But what if next time it is, as you say, the first out in the inning, or occurs earlier? If we wash out that blown call for Galaragga, but we can’t do it for the next guy, to whom it happens just slightly earlier, how fair is that? I mean, I know it has happened to some other guys. I’ve seen near-perfect no-hitters where the only guy on base got there by taking a few “balls” that were clearly strikes. Galaragga’s fame is already greater, and will certainly outlive, that of all those other pitchers who were robbed at earlier points in the game. He’s lucky and unlucky at the same time.

How fair is what? If there’s a blown call ruining a perfect game in the 8th inning, someday, then, as I note in my original post, the call should stand, for a very simple reason: There is no way of knowing what would have happened otherwise.

This type of “What might have been” thinking is a big part of sports fandom, and it’s present for every team or athlete who almost wins. Take Don Denkinger’s famous blown call in the 1985 World Series. Leading the Series three games to two, the Cardinals took a 1-0 lead into the 9th inning, but Don Denkinger called a Royals batter safe when he was clearly out. The Royals went on to score twice in the inning, winning 2-1; they won the Series in Game Seven. Is that case analogous?

No, it isn’t. Not even close. Why? Because there was still game play to come after the blown call. The hitter’s safe instead of out, but maybe the Cardinals get a double play and get out of the inning and win the Series. Or maybe the Cardinals manage to put a run or two up in the bottom of the ninth. Or maybe the Cardinals win Game Seven. Denkinger’s gaffe was terrible — probably the most famous blown call in baseball history until the other night — but there’s no logical way in which it can be said to have literally decided the World Series.

Or in football, take the questionable officiating in Super Bowl XL, when the Steelers beat the Seahawks 21-10. Ben Roethlisberger was judged to have scored a rushing touchdown even though most folks believe the replays clearly show he was down before he broke the plane of the goal line with the ball, and Seattle was assessed a couple of odd penalties later on in the game which on replay seemed to not have happened at all. Should those calls be reversed after the game? No, because there’s no convincing argument to be made that those plays determined the outcome. Maybe after the bad TD by Big Ben, Seattle finds a way to score more than just 10 points in the game. Maybe some Seattle played forces a turnover or makes a big play. You just don’t know, and that’s why those calls shouldn’t be changed. They can be bitched about, sure, but 99 percent of the time, when you get screwed by the umpires or the refs, you still have your chance to win afterwards.

The Galarraga perfect game isn’t like either of those, or many of the other sucky instances of bad officiating in sports history (like the Buffalo Sabres and “No goal”). In this case, there is no question about what would have happened had the right call been applied. None. Zero.

If some pitcher has a perfect game going through seven innings, and then the first guy in the 8th gets to base on an identical call, if you freeze the action right there, you don’t know if the pitcher is going to retire the remaining six hitters, or if he’s about to give up some hits, or if he’s about to implode and load the bases and end up losing the game. This is a very strong distinction here. The game wouldn’t have ended had the call been made correctly in the 8th.

As for the fact that Galarraga’s fame is greater now, well, I can’t speak for him, but…so what? When it’s perfectly possible to give him something that he earned by right and should have had, saying “Wow, sucks to be you, but you’re a part of lore now!” is a pretty crappy consolation prize. And we’re not talking about balls and strikes here, which has always been a floating concept anyway in baseball. We’re talking safe versus out.

Tosy and Cosh says:

I’m with Mary – the minute, in any sport, the commissioner can unilaterally change calls we don’t like, after the fact – for any reason – it’s all over and the floodgates start. Before long they’ll be a similar situation and the expectation will be that we change what happened. Umpires make wrong calls all the time – either we review after or we don’t; we don’t get to choose when we want to because it makes a good story.

I’m sorry, but this is, from my POV, as wrong as it is possible to be. Why would there be an opening of floodgates? There aren’t any floodgates to open here.

As I explain above — several times, in fact — there are very clear differences between this spectacularly rare situation and your average, garden-variety umpire flub. This isn’t “He mighta had a perfect game!”; this was “He would have had a perfect game.” It’s a statement of fact that Galarraga would have had a perfect game if the call had been correct. If we set that as our precedent here — an absolute certainty of the correctness of the call and an absolute certainty of what would have happened in the game had the correct call been made — then I don’t see an objection. Situations where this much certainty apply are, actually, very rare in sports. There will almost certainly not be another perfect game robbed from a pitcher in the ninth inning with two outs “before long”. No one is saying we should “choose when we want to” reverse calls because it makes us feel good.

It’s not about what makes “the nicest story”. It’s about doing what’s right, and rewarding what actually happened on the field correctly. I’m not strongly in favor of Galarraga being credited with a perfect game because it’s a nice tale that gives me the warm-and-fuzzies as a sports fan. I’m strongly in favor of it because it’s what happened.

Returning to Mary, she closed out her comment with “It’s just a game.” Well, I suppose so, but whenever anyone says that, it always strikes me as a pretty cheap shot. Yeah, it is “just a game”. But we decide to care about lots of things that aren’t life and death; it’s stuff like baseball that makes our lives more than just finding food, making babies, and going to bed where the big monsters can’t get us. I’m sure that “Hey, it’s just a game!” came as little consolation to Cubs fans when Steve Bartman caught that ball. “Hey, it’s just a game!” wasn’t much fun to hear when I watched Scott Norwood’s kick sail just outside the goal posts. Michael Phelps’s achievements aren’t cheapened any in my book, just because “Hey, it’s just a bunch of guys splashing in the water!”

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Something for Thursday

OK, a bit different, inspired a bit by my Wednesday Dichotomy post from yesterday.

I’ve always loved the movie A Fish Called Wanda, the raunchy and hilarious diamond heist caper flick that starred John Cleese, Kevin Kline, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Michael Palin. I remember when I first saw it, with my parents, and I was thinking, “Hmmm, for a movie that’s getting rave reviews for how funny it is, so far it’s only mildly amusing here and there.” Well, it turns out that the movie has about thirty minutes or so of set-up stuff that’s amusing but never hilarious — but once the movie gets going, it’s one of the funniest damned things I’ve ever seen. I’ve never once watched the movie and not laughed at it and its sly wit. (Even some of the “meta” humor in it, such as the fact that the character George Thomason is played by an actor named Tom Georgeson.)

Anyhow, Wanda was a staple of our movie viewing in college. We watched the movie all the time, probably at least once a month, to the point that we wore out my VHS copy. What was cool about that VHS tape is that it’s one of the first examples I can remember of an advertisement for something other than another movie preceding the film itself. Now, usually ads annoy me and I ignore them, but this one was awesome because they tied it right into the movie itself, so much so that we never ever ever fast-forwarded through it. To this day, when I need to write a post about something relating to the nuts and bolts of this blog, I always use the phrase that leads off this ad, “A Very Public Service Message”.

Anyway, here’s the ad. John Cleese is hawking Schweppes beverages. Schweppes Schweppes Schweppes Schweppes Schweppes Schweppes Schweppes!

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Random Observations

:: I’m saddened by the separation of Al and Tipper Gore.

:: I’m annoyed at all the commentators who think that the important thing about the oil spill in the Gulf is that President Obama isn’t showing enough emotion about it.

:: I’m entertained by the new season of Hell’s Kitchen. My early favorite is the pretty girl with long, red dreadlocks. Why? Because she’s pretty and has long, red dreadlocks.

:: I’m reminded that every time I see actor Stephen Tobolowky, I think, “Hi. My name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me.”

:: I’m tired of all the hot weather already. Hot weather stinks.

:: I’m wishing that xkcd did comics like this one more often.

:: I’m amazed at how much writing I can get done in one hour…when I’ve shut off my laptop’s wi-fi.

:: I’m perplexed by the teevee show Glee. I love musicals and I always enjoy high school settings, but Glee confounds me.

:: I’m reminded anew, after watching the first two episodes on YouTube, of the staggering degree to which Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip was Aaron Sorkin’s love letter to himself.

:: I’m happy that The Daughter laughed at all the right places when I watched the pilot episode of Firefly with her.

:: I’m amused by the awfulness of the teevee trailer I saw tonight for Eclipse, the new Twilight movie.

:: I’m flummoxed by the trailers for the new Karate Kid movie, especially the fact that they’re calling it The Karate Kid when Jackie Chan says, “I will teach you kung fu!”

:: I’m frustrated that my favorite pair of earphones finally died last week after eight years of loyal service (they came with the personal CD player I bought in 2002), and that none of my other pairs make me happy for using my phone when walking. (I’m using my phone as an MP3 player now.) I prefer the phones with the piece that hooks over the back of the ear; I’ve never liked earbuds much at all because they get uncomfortable after a not-too-long period.

:: I’m enjoying a glass of Vernor’s Ginger Ale with a shot of Captain Morgan Tattoo Rum as I write this.

:: I’m ending this post before it becomes incomprehensible.

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Shaydun Froyd

I haven’t been an active member of the film music fan community, either online or off, in quite some time, because for the most part I came to find that community mostly unpleasant, annoying, and generally filled with people I’d like to punch if I knew them in real life. I haven’t regretted this, but every so often — once a month, at most — I’ll drop by the FilmScoreMonthly message boards, just to see what’s new in film music, as in, new releases of hard-to-find music and the like.

I just dropped over yesterday, and I saw a thread therein that validated all of my negative opinions and gave me immense amusement as well.

It seems that Varese Sarabande (one of the biggest remaining labels in film music) indicated that an announcement was impending, regarding a new CD release of theirs. This is something record labels do a lot. They’ll say “On May 31 we’ll announce our Next Great Title!”, as a way of drumming up a bit of buzz. Well, the FSM folks — bless their hearts! — followed Varese’s bouncing ball and, with zero evidence to back them up in the slightest way, that Varese was about to release Alex North’s score to Spartacus.

Now, you have to understand something here: Spartacus is one of the last great Holy Grails of unreleased film music. There is an old CD of Spartacus out there, but it amounts to a miniscule portion of a long, epic score that has been for decades regarded as one of the finest scores ever written; and I think there are bootlegs floating around, but there has never been a release of the entire score in fine digital remastering. Spartacus really is a big deal to film music lovers, and its release would send that community into orgasm.

So the FSM thread goes on for page after page after page as people construct elaborate arguments for why the new release just has to be Spartacus. The logic is almost reminiscent of folks who pore through the Bible until they determine the exact date for Armageddon. Everybody is convinced it’s going to be Spartacus, except for one lone soul late in the thread who says, “Gee, do we even know that it’s going to be Spartacus?”

And guess what the release turns out to be?

An expanded edition of Michael Giacchino’s score to last year’s Star Trek.

So then some fans (not all) start bemoaning their crushing disappointment, with only a couple of persons pointing out, “Hey, nobody said you were getting Spartacus. You convinced yourself.” In among that, you get to see all kinds of folks saying things like “OK, Star Trek. Now I don’t have to spend $30!” Because that’s what often passes for interesting comment on these boards: someone announcing that they will, or will not, buy something.

One of many reasons I stopped hanging out with these folks. Who really cares who buys what???

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Sunday Burst of Weird and AWESOME!

Wierdness and Awesome abound!

:: Archaeologists have a new hypothesis regarding the stone giants of Easter Island. Interesting stuff. I’ve always thought it would be neat to see those, if not for the sheer remoteness of the island coupled with the fact that there’s likely little to do there other than look at big stone statues.

:: Illustrations from a Russian edition of The Hobbit. I have to admit that I like these illustrations a great deal. There’s a great deal of charm here:

Note the highly liberal interpretation of a hobbit’s hairy feet. Bilbo’s half ape-man or something!

:: OK, that weird guy on the Dyson commercials needs to stop. Seriously, if he’s that big a techno genius, he needs to use his abilities for stuff that’s actually, you know, important. Sure, it looks kinda nifty, but there is zero need for a room fan that costs $300! This guy is like a supergenius with OCD who has decided to use his abilities to rid the world of all of his personal little pet peeves rather than advancing our world toward its ultimate goal of unlimited energy, flying cars and jetpacks, spaceships coming and going all over the place to our colonies throughout the solar system, and a Super Mario game that doesn’t make me feel stupid. We don’t need bladeless fans! Ye Gods, man! Let go of your anal retention and use your powers for good! (Dyson’s fan first seen at Cal’s place.)

OK, I’m done. More next week!

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Seeing double


Seeing double, originally uploaded by Jaquandor.

I was wondering which side was my better side, so I did a bit of photographic comparison.

And I still have no idea!

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Stars, ships, and ferrets in pants

Time to catch up on some recent reading!

:: Sports From Hell: My Search for the World’s Dumbest Competition by Rick Reilly is a fun piece of sportswriting in which Reilly travels the world in search of really bizarre sports. The ones he finds are both familiar (the “Rock Paper Scissors” championships) and utterly unexpected (World Sauna Championships). Some of these he tries, some he only watches from afar, but all in all, the book is a funny and fascinating look into the world of organized competition. Despite having built a society, we humans still revere competition and have a biological need for it, so we’ll end up competing in anything. Such as, who can sit in an extremely hot sauna (261 degrees) for the longest, or who can sit the longest at a poker table that’s been set up in the middle of an arena into which an angry bull has just been released, or who can hold out the longest after having a ferret dropped into their pants and their belts and cuffs taped shut. Yes, that ferret-in-the-pants thing is real. It’s the cover photo of the book.

Some of the sports are surreal not just for the events themselves, but for the context in which they are played. The bull poker, for example: that one takes place in a prison in Louisiana, and the competitors are inmates. The warden makes a case that allowing competitions like this gives inmates some form of dignity, but Reilly creates an interesting juxtaposition when, at the end of the chapter, after an inmate named Rocky has won the bull poker competition, he gives the reaction of the father of the girl whose murder Rocky is in the pen for in the first place. “I didn’t know that someone who raped and murdered an innocent person would get to ride in a rodeo. That doesn’t sound like hard labor to me.”

My favorite chapter was the one on baseball. Not some kind of special baseball that they play in white-water rapids, or on top of a mountain, or something weird like that. Just regular old Major League Baseball. Now, I used to be as big a fan of baseball as anyone, but various things have sapped my enthusiasm for the game. First, my favorite team has sucked for almost two decades. Second, we haven’t had cable in years, so following baseball is basically a “checking the boxscores online or in the paper” thing now. But third, really — the game has become longer and longer and duller and duller. Hence Reilly’s first complaint, that “Baseball is as dull as Amish porn.” That whole chapter is as good a rant as I’ve read in a while. Here’s a taste:

3. Writers somehow think baseball is male childbirth.

There’s no bigger gap in any sport than the one between misty-eyed Jack Kerouac-quoting baseball writers and red-eyed Jack Daniels-drinking baseball players. Press-box poets like George Will are always waxing nostalgic about the game; everything is roses and sepia tones and tearstained “catches” with Dad. They’ll see some rookie standing with some old vet in the outfield and say, “Imagine the lessons being handed down.” And having been around the game my whole life, having played it, I can tell you the lessons. The old vet is saying, “You see the blonde with the rack sitting behind the dugout? She likes power tools.”

:: Two space opera novels recently joined the ranks of…space opera novels I’ve read. Prophets by S. Andrew Swann (book one of a series called Apotheosis) was a fairly quick and breezy read. Not that it’s a light book, by any means, but it’s fairly short and it’s divided into short chapters, which always helps the pacing along. The book posits a complex spacefaring human society in which there are several groups constantly vying for power (an Islamic Caliphate and the Roman Catholic Church among them) when the existence of a lost human colony, way out in space, is discovered. There’s a race against time to get out there and see what’s going on…and of course, there’s a lot more going on than a simple lost colony.

This is, as noted above, the first book in a series, and from what I’ve gathered, this series is a sequel series to an earlier series by Swann, so I have some catch-up reading to do. This was a fun, fast-paced space adventure story.

:: Also fun, but not quite so fast-paced, but wildly adventurous, is Judas Unchained by Peter F. Hamilton. This is the sequel volume to his earlier Pandora’s Star (previously discussed), and it’s about as long — 1000 pages of space opera goodness. I can’t say too much about it, since it is literally the second half of a pretty massive story, but I did greatly appreciate how Hamilton is mostly able to bring all of the various storylines — and there are a lot of them — together in fairly convincing fashion. The pace really picks up in the last two hundred pages, leading to a nicely whiz-bang conclusion. The series also has lots of ideas and managed to keep me nervous about the fates of characters even in a universe in which death has been rendered an impermanent state. This duology is long, but it’s very impressive. I’m already looking forward to The Dreaming Void, which kicks off a new series set in the same universe.

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Final Idol

American Idol for this year is over, at long, long last. Aside from a couple of too-rare bright spots, this season was generically disappointing from the start right up until the end, when — for the first time in my experience — Idol crowned the wrong person. And not just a little bit wrong, but staggeringly wrong.

Lee DeWyze was utterly, utterly inadequate, no matter how much the judges inexplicably adored him. He’s got a pleasant enough voice, and he can strum a guitar in relatively convincing fashion (although that’s about all he did with it), but he showed, time and time and time again throughout the show’s run, that he had zero real musicianship. He showed it when he failed completely to sell the song “Beautiful Day” in the finale; he showed it when he did an awful one-half of a duet with eventual runner-up Crystal Bowersox in “Falling Slowly”; he showed it in his jaw-droppingly awful rendition of “Hey Jude”; and worst of all was his wholesale slaughtering of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, which he turned into a Queen-style arena rock anthem. There have only been a couple of times in all the seasons of Idol I’ve watched (all but the first) in which someone I really disliked made the finale (Diana DiGarmo and David Archuleta), but this was the first time that the person I really disliked actually won, and he did it despite near unanimous opinion that his performances on the Finale were seriously subpar.

What was odd was the judges’ reaction to Lee all year. Until the finale, Lee received zero criticism. None. He was slathered with praise every single week until the finale, when at long last he seemed to receive some mild critique. It’s true that the judges can’t eliminate or keep anyone around solely by virtue of their criticism, but they can certainly shape opinion, and Lee had them in his back pocket right to the end, even to the point where he’d give warbling performances in which he would literally sing wrong notes and start shouting the song as soon as he possibly could, and yet, no one would point it out; Randy Jackson, famous for using the word “pitchy” as much as “dawg”, would merely shout out things like “Oooooh, someone is in it to win it!” The judges’ devotion to Lee DeWyze was absolutely mystifying.

What about Crystal Bowersox, then? Well, it’s pretty obvious that I loved her. Absolutely loved her. Not everything she did was perfect; on “Movie Song Night”, she did some song from Caddyshack that nobody much remembers, for example. But she was such a smart, capable, intelligent performer. She thought her songs through in a way that Lee couldn’t even conceive. After Simon Cowell criticized her for the way she had performed a particular song, she was actually able to look at him and say, “Well, the lyrics say this, so I had to sing it in a way that made that meaning clear” or some such thing. That kind of musical intelligence is rare on Idol, which is tailor-made for vocalists like Lee DeWyze and Siobhan Magnus who approach a song as though it is a vocal jungle-gym.

Crystal also had tremendous stage presence, which Lee did not. During the Season Finale (the results show, not the individual performances), both Crystal and Lee showed up on stage occasionally to perform with various famed pop and rock artists. Crystal did a number with Alanis Morissette in which she held her own with the star, making the moment something special. A short while later Lee did a number with Chicago, and he couldn’t even stand out as a 20-something kid amongst a group of aging, has-been rockers. Lee just melted into the stage; Crystal looked like the stage was her home. And it was. That the Idol voters didn’t consider this is…well, it’s not very shocking, actually.

Crystal’s dominance over Lee in the final performances was so undeniable that not even Lee could deny it. At the very end of the show, just before the final fade-out, there they were on stage, Lee and Crystal, with Ryan Seacrest in between. The look on Lee’s face was the look of dismay on the face of any person who has been thoroughly beaten by a superior opponent.

So why, then, did Lee win? I’ve heard some theories:

Lee is more marketable, more current, more contemporary, more [insert intangible here] than Crystal.

I don’t buy this. First of all, I have no idea what’s “current” or “contemporary” and neither does anyone else. It’s all BS, really — Crystal stands in the tradition of Melissa Ethridge and Sheryl Crow, both of whom are still very much present on the music scene. Plus, Idol viewers aren’t record producers. It’s not their job to pick people who sell tons of albums, even though that’s the hope. Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Taylor Hicks — all have had fine music careers since winning Idol, but none have lit the world on fire. But more importantly, none were “current” or “contemporary”.

Crystal doesn’t really need to win. She’s virtually guaranteed a great career.

I’m not so sure about this. Everyone loves to talk about the Idols who didn’t win and who went on to some kind of stardom — Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson (didn’t even make the finale), and Adam Lambert are prime examples here — but there are others who disappeared. Justin Guarini, Kat Stevens, that beat-boxing kid from a few years back: where are they? Nowhere that anybody knows. Some non-winners have had good careers. Many more have not.

Lee’s backstory is more compelling than Crystal’s.

Well, this is all opinion, I guess. I, for one, am more attuned to the single mother struggling to make it as a singer than the paint salesman trying to be a singer, but that’s just me.

A related theory:

America’s a pretty puritanical country, so a single mom isn’t going to win IDOL against a good-looking guy. Same was Adam Lambert lost.

Don’t know about this one. I hope it isn’t true, but I’m sure that for a few voters, it was.

Teenybopper girls robotexting their votes carried the day for Lee.

There may be something to this; I suspect it’s at least part of the reason Lee won. You can’t overestimate the sway held by the “cute” contestants, whether they can sing or not. It’s why Aaron Kelly and Tim Urban lasted so long, despite their relative lack of plausibility as Idols. I saw this theory advanced somewhere to explain the fact that men have won Idol four of the last five years (Taylor Hicks, David Cook, Kris Allen, and now Lee DeWyze). However, looking at who lost some of those years, the theory looks a little less convincing. There’s no way anybody’s going to look at David Cook and decide that he’s going to have the “teenybopper girl” vote sewn up when he’s up against David Archuleta, and Jordin Sparks beat out…that beatboxer kid who looked like he should command the “teenybopper girls” segment of the Idol electorate. I’m sure this is a factor, but a determining factor? Maybe not.

This illustrates the power of the judges to sway opinion, given how relentlessly positive they were about Lee.

This is, for me, the likely big factor here.

So anyway, Lee’s the winner and Crystal’s not. I predicted Lee to win the whole thing weeks ago, mainly because of the way the judges were pushing him so hard in their critiques. In fact, I predicted that Crystal wouldn’t even make the final, so I was partially wrong on that score. But this also demonstrates something else: that the judges’ critiques in the final don’t determine much at all. The judges treated Lee with reverential fervor all year until the final, when they gave him criticism that was mild at best while highly praising Crystal. It’s a far cry from two years ago, when in the final, the judges declared all three “rounds” for David Archuleta, who ended up losing by what was apparently a pretty sizable margin. By the time of the final, I think most people who are going to vote have their minds made up.

Lee’s victory had an air of inevitability, but it was a weird kind of inevitability: the kind where you know you’re getting forced to do something, so you go along with it.

OK, enough about the Worst Idol in the History of Idol. What about Idol in general? I found this year generically disappointing. The level of voices selected for the Top 24 was surprisingly bad, with only a handful of standouts among them. And one of those standouts, Lilly Scott, whom I loved in the early going, didn’t make the Final 12 in what was probably the most surprising single elimination of the entire season. There are always bad contestants who do confoundingly well — John Stevens? Sanjaya Malakar? Tim Urban? I read one article somewhere, early in the season, that suggested that Idol is having more troubles lately because they’ve “depleted the talent pool”. That notion is, obviously, idiotic — are we to believe that Idol has worked through all 50 million or whatever number of people there are in the permitted age group? That’s just silly. But the judges drop the ball on their selections, at least once every year.

Simon Cowell is also leaving, which has a lot of people predicting the show’s swift demise. Maybe, but if so, I suspect it would be because Idol will be in its tenth season and it’s getting old. Like any self-respecting fan of American Idol, I have some thoughts on directions the show should take:

1. Cut back on the filler and focus on the music.

This season, the filler material got ridiculous, to the point where Idol had to schedule two hour shows so that nine contestants could sing. That was ridiculous. There’s only so much anybody wants to know about the contestants, and all the song previews are now going on way too long. Time was when the show would have each contestant sing twice as early as six or seven left in the group; this year they waited (I think) until they were down to five left, just because the show was so full of filler material.

2. Move “Country Music Week” back to where it used to be, early on in the Final Twelve.

This year, they didn’t do Country Week until very late — again when there were only five or six left — and they focused it on songs by Shania Twain. It should come a lot earlier. Not that I’m a country music fan — I like some of it, dislike most of it — but it can’t be denied that Idol‘s Country Week tends to produce a lot of good performances, especially from the contestants who may not be totally cut out for the Pop stuff they want so badly to feature. Country Week can give dark-horse contestants a new lease on life on the show, and it addsa helpful bit of variety to the show.

3. Change the voting.

This will never happen, but I’d like to see voting changed so that people are voting for someone to be eliminated rather than to see someone stay. Failing that, I’d at least like to see the show limit the number of votes from one person, so that someone can’t robo-text fifty votes for someone who isn’t very good. Never gonna happen, obviously — they love that Ryan Seacrest can say things like “Out of a record 190 million votes cast”, as if that many people are watching the show to begin with. But this would fix a recurrent problem with Idol, when every year lesser contestants thrive whilst worthy ones are sent packing.

4. Back to three judges.

OK. So Simon Cowell is leaving. I’m not of the general view that he is unreplaceable asset whose departure will spell doom for Idol — Simon is flat-out full of crap a lot of the time, and he only manages to not seem full of crap by virtue of being articulate and having a British accent. But he’s leaving the show. Who to replace him with? Someone with personality and intelligence. I’d like to see him replaced by someone with knowledge of the industry, but really, not another record producer. I’d like to see another actual musician on the show, someone who isn’t concerned with what’s going to sell and be marketable and rather what’s actually good.

I saw the suggestion made somewhere else — can’t remember where — but it’s a good one. Bret Michaels! It’s perfect. After watching him on The Celebrity Apprentice, he’s got smarts and he can be blunt when he needs to be and nice when that’s called for.

And get rid of Kara Dioguardi. I suppose Ellen Degeneres can stay, but she needs to work on her critiquing. Kara, though, is useless.

5. Get rid of the “bad singers”.

When the show starts up in January, they always show lots of stadiums full of Idol hopefuls. Only a tiny percentage of these are allowed through to audition for the judges; five thousand might show up, but only 150 might get through to sing for Randy, Kara and Simon or whomever. And of those, a certain percentage are the terrible singers sent through just so we can see the judges rip into people who suck.

The problem is that this is all boring. The annual weeks-long tour of laughing at sucky singers is old, old, old hat by now. It might help the cause of upgrading the talent level sent through to Hollywood if the show abandoned the sucky singers. Let the judges pick from 150 good singers, instead of only 75 good ones and torturing them with 75 bad ones.

That’s about it. All in all, a really disappointing year on American Idol. We’ll see if it can get its groove back next year or not.

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