Save me, Jeebus!

Well, today brought me a first: I saw my very first Chick Tract.

Now, I’ve seen lots of these online, since they’re all very helpfully (to somebody, I suppose) archived on Teh Interweb, but until today, I’d never run into the print version of one before. Someone left one in a conspicuous location at The Store, as happens from time to time; they know they’re not allowed to openly distribute literature on our property, so they do it on a “stealth” basis. They’ll go into the bathroom, do their business, hopefully wash their hands, and leave a couple of brochures on the counter. (Yes, when I find these, I toss them. I don’t care if someone is leaving pamphlets extolling the virtues of The Phantom Menace, I’m tossing them.)

The types of literature usually left behind (heh) by such folks are almost always identical, but today’s was an actual, paper copy of a Chick Tract. I’d never ever seen a printed version of a Chick Tract before, so it was a little exciting to see the creepy artwork, the lousy writing, and the completely unsubtle message (Jesus, or HELL!!!). I was going to toss the thing, but one of my coworkers — a pretty militant atheist, it turns out — was highly amused by the thing and pocketed it to take home, for some reason. I’m always a little curious about this approach to ministry — does the “Leave a pamphlet or two in a bathroom” approach really work? I suppose that probably works more frequently than the even more obnoxious version of this practice, the Christian pamphlet that’s designed to look like a folded-up $20 bill, which the Nice and Helpful Faithfuls will leave on their tables in restaurants in place of a tip. I saw this happen more frequently than you would guess when I worked in restaurants, and let me tell you, not once was the server’s response to receiving one of these what I suppose the Nice and Helpful Faithfuls wanted to hear.

In general, I find the leaving of religious literature — or the actual physical distribution of it, as has happened to me in parking lots or malls or county fairs or city streets — fairly obnoxious and irritating. The active seeking of converts always annoys me, but I have to admit, seeing a real Chick Tract in person instead of online was kind of amusing.

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Thirty Day Challenge: Day One

Here we go!

Favorite Actor

And, right off the bat I’m going to have to cheat. Sigh…but at least long-time readers will know that I almost always cheat on stuff like this. So here are some actors, living and gone, whose work I like a whole, whole lot:

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The Thirty Day Challenge!!!

From deep within his Canadian Cave, Cal has been doing these things called “Thirty Day Challenges”. Each day has a topic you’re supposed to post about. I figured, “Hey, I’m game!” So here we go. Hopefully I can get these done daily; that’s the idea. If I do this right there will be fresh content every day for thirty days!

Er…starting tomorrow.

Tune in! (Of course, you’d tune in anyway, even without the promise of content, right? Right? Wow, those crickets sure chirp loudly….)

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Sentential Links #201

Onward and Upward with the Linkage!

:: On the subject of Gingrich, here’s one thing I don’t understand. John Edwards’ philandering has made him a public pariah, understandably so. But Gingrich’s marital behavior was probably even more disgusting. He cheated on his first wife and told her he wanted a divorce while she was recovering from surgery for cancer. He subsequently cheated on his second wife with a much younger aide. It’s fairly amazing how Gingrich has managed to avoid any stigma from this. He’s just a conservative “ideas guy.” (The rule is very simple: It’s OK if you’re a Republican. If you’re a Republican, you get to lie under oath, cheat on your spouse, steal, filibuster anything at all, get hooked on drugs, marry and divorce repeatedly, and generally do whatever you want. Moral standards only apply to Democrats. Haven’t we learned this by now?)

:: What I find odd is that there seems to be very little anger simmering to the top- this has been going on for so long, that we sort of have an odd fatalism about it.

:: I’d turn in a cold case crime scene photo essay as my final project.

:: Today many Americans hold him in high regard as a great leader and moral exemplar.

Others remember him as a slaver, a traitor, and a man willing to kill thousands of people for one of the worst causes imaginable.

:: It’s very easy for Kelsey Grammer to be a Conservative Republican because so many people around him are busy at the hard work of not being one.

:: Speaking of stupidity in the South, Governor Bob McDonnell of Virginia has declared that April is “Confederate History Month.” Why are so many Southerners so damn proud of their slave-owning past? Get this through your heads: the Confederacy was treason, not a government; it was an insurgency, not an actual nation; it does not deserve it’s own celebration anymore than Shays’ Rebellion does. How about you guys stop electing officials who look back on a white-dominated past when women and blacks were property with such naked wistfulness? (I’ve never understood Confederate fetishization — except for the explanatory factor of racism.)

:: This morning, a woman walked by as you were opening the door. And I swear she heard me say Let’s go! and throughout her day, now and then, she was glad to think of us – out and about in the spring – while she toiled in a square room under artificial light.

:: Even my mom didn’t seem angry about anything. On the bus ride home she very calmly and pleasantly told me that she “wished I’d never been born.”

:: Yesterday we learned about child stars that blossomed into fine young men. Today I have the pleasure of filling you in on the one star that wasn’t so lucky.

:: Because radio waves travel at 186,000 miles per second and sound waves saunter at 700 miles per hour, a broadcast voice can be heard sooner 13,000 miles away than it can be heard at the back of the room in which it originated.

More next week!

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Howl! Howl! Howl!

I’ve been somewhat disappointed with the last few of Christopher Moore’s novels that I’ve read. He has a new one either out or on the way very soon, which completes the “Vampire” trilogy begun in Bloodsucking Fiends and continued in You Suck; the third volume is called, appropriately enough, Bite Me.

In his last few books, Moore has started to get a bit too self-referential for my tastes, with characters from other books showing up in new ones. This makes sense in the case of a direct sequel like You Suck, but as much as I loved Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, I found the appearance of recurring Moore demon Catch in that book more distracting than anything.

No such problems exist in his last book (before Bite Me), Fool. This book was very welcome for me as a Moore fan: it stands pretty much all by itself in Moore’s output. And well it should, since it is a comedic retelling of King Lear.

Taking one of Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies (which is not unlike picking the best section of the Sistine Chapel) and mining it for comedy gold is a pretty cheeky thing to do, but for the most part, Moore is up to the task. What he’s done, wisely, is not to just do “Lear with jokes”, but to simply take the barest bones of Lear and just re-do the entire story. With jokes. Dirty jokes, mostly — but if you’re read Moore, you know that. Moore gives a helpful warning:

This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profantiy, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!

Our hero is Pocket, the Fool in King Lear, who turns out in Moore’s story to be a much more conniving sort of gent than I recall Lear’s fool being in the play (although it’s been since college since I read Lear, so I may be wrong). Pocket looks on in horror as Lear asks his daughters to tell him how much they love him, and disowns honest Cordelia in favor of false Regan and Goneril, and finds himself adrift as allegiances shift back and forth and as war overtakes Britain, what with the throne up for grabs and “F***ing France” looking to take advantage.

How does it all play out? Well, it plays out in nicely surprising ways, as Moore has set aside much of Shakespeare’s own narrative in favor of one that is, well, funnier. This book made me laugh about as much as any good Moore book, which is to say, a lot; and I especially enjoyed that the book represents a stretch for Moore. He does things with language in this book that stand apart from things he’s done before (with Lamb possibly excepted), and there are passages that are sheer bawdy delight, such as this, between Pocket and Goneril:

“See, you are worldly and know of things. [This is Goneril speaking.] I need to see your willie.”

“Pardon? What? Why?” [Pocket]

“Because I’ve never seen one, and I don’t want to seem naive on my wedding night when the depraved brute ravishes me.”

“How do you know he’s a depraved brute?”

“Auntie told me. All men are. Now, out with your willie, fool.”

“Why my willie? There’s willies aplenty you can look at. What about Oswald? He may even have one, or knows where you can get hold of one, I’ll wager.” (Oswald was her footman then.)

“I know, but this is my first, and yours will be small and not so frightening. It’s like when I was learning to ride, and first father gave me a pony, but then, as I got older…”

“All right, then, shut up. Here.”

“Oh, would you look at that.”

“What?”

“That’s it, then?”

“Yes. What?”

“Nothing really to be afraid of then, was there? I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s rather pitiful if you ask me.”

“It is not.”

“Are they all this small?”

“Most are smaller, in fact.”

“May I touch it?”

“If you feel you must.”

“Well, would you look at that.”

“See, now you’re angered it.”

Moore also cheerfully mines all manner of other Shakespeare plays in the course of this book, so I suspect real Shakespeare lovers (as in, people who really know the plays, unlike people like me who claim a love of Shakespeare and yet somehow manage to not read him very often for some dumb reason like “I gotta read this SF novel instead”) will have fun picking the book apart for references.

For myself, I pretty much found Fool a delight from start to finish. Moore is still in fine, fine form.

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Sunday Burst of Weird and AWESOME!

Oddities and Awesome abound!

:: I really wish I could remember who linked this for me first, but I’ve already forgotten, so if you’re out there, feel free to identify yourself. But this is really eye-popping stuff: the view from the seven highest waterfalls in the world. The highest is so high that almost all of its water either evaporates or blows away as mist before it reaches the pool at the bottom. Amazing stuff.

:: Warren Ellis is unhappy with the state of space exploration:

Robot missions do not thrill us because the empathetic engagement is on a level with watching a Roomba do a decent job of hoovering some carpet fluff. It is nowhere near the same as seeing and hearing one of us walking somewhere brand new and telling us about it in the knowledge (however misguided that might eventually prove) that more of us, the rest of us, will follow.

We’re almost resentful of human space flight now, because politicians and greedy technocrats screwed us out of the translunar Martian colony future we all thought was coming. We’re just a little too resigned to another few years of puttering around in low Earth orbit, of quickie space tourism and trying not to fart in the International Space Station for 30 days at a time. Even the Chinese, the current eager lions of crewed missions, admit that their Moon missions may prove to be robotic.

In my life I’ve seen a species go from believing it will live in space to accepting, all too easily, that it will die on the same old dirt its ancestors rot in. Having a nice robot phone is not an acceptable substitute for a future.

Part of me agrees 100 percent. The other part of me only agrees 85 percent.

:: I’ve seen lots of links to a recent announcement that Lucasfilm is actually developing a sit-com based in the Star Wars universe. Let me just say that this notion is greatly taxing my ability to reserve judgement.

:: But I do not need to reserve judgement in any way on bar soap in the shape of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. That is just awesomely cool!

More next week!

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Adventures in Food

Some recent food-related stuff that I keep forgetting to post….

:: New York State is one of the country’s biggest producers of maple syrup, and every year, in order to bring attention to the state’s maple producers, there’s a thing called Maple Weekend. (Which is now two weekends, but we’ll let that slide.) In the maple-producing hills and hollows of Western and Central New York are lots of tiny restaurants that offer all-you-can-eat pancake breakfasts. Many of these are only open during maple production season, which lasts about six weeks. The one we like to go to is called Moore’s Sugar Shack, which is about an hour’s drive from Casa Jaquandor.

Up and down roads we went, into the hill country of Western New York that I love so much:

The Hills of Arcade

Down the hill, continued

Maple Country

Finally we reached our destination, a few miles outside of a little town called Arcade: Moore’s Sugar Shack!

Moore's Sugar Shack!

This place is, shall I say, not big. At all. It’s about the size of a typical four-bedroom house. In previous years I’ve been fairly militant about getting up early enough on Saturday morning so as to get to Moore’s at a time before the line has formed out the door, but this year we slept in (we’ll not discuss the fact that my life has reached a point where 7:00 am is “sleeping in”), and thus we had to wait half an hour for our table when we got there. Part of the delay was the fact that one group ahead of us was a party of seven, so it took them a while just to get enough tables available to push together to seat that family; and besides, table-turns don’t come terribly quickly in restaurants where “All You Can Eat” is the policy.

Anyway, the half-hour wait wouldn’t have been awful, except for the fact that the party of seven was a couple of adults and five little girls. The mother decided to pass the time with the eldest girl by doing one of those hand-clapping rhyme games with her. You remember those, right? When you and another person clap your hands together as you recite some kind of rhyme? This wasn’t annoying at all, until each of the remaining four younger kids insisted on doing it as well. By the third time through that game, I wanted to leap through a plate glass window, and there were two more iterations to go.

But I digress! It really wasn’t that bad, and we finally got a table, some much-needed coffee, and we got to look around the incredibly cramped dining room:

Inside Moore's Sugar Shack

Seriously, these pancake houses are tiny. We were seated almost in the exact middle of the dining room, so there’s about as much space behind us as in front of us, and every table was full. I always enjoy the decor, though: old farm tools and antiques from Western New York yesteryear. Finally the main event arrived: pancakes!

A pause in the carnage

The syrup on the table was produced by Moore’s, in their operation right there on those very grounds. There’s something special about eating something on the same spot where it was produced, isn’t there? Our bottle was full when we sat down. When we left, three helpings of pancakes each later, there was about a third left. Yummmmm! (Funny thing about real maple syrup: since we made that switch several years ago, we’re almost nauseated by the notion of eating Log Cabin or Mrs. Butterworth’s. If I’m at a restaurant where that’s what they serve, so be it, but I’ll never buy that stuff for home use again.)

As you might expect, we were highly full after that meal. We didn’t eat lunch that day.

:: Years ago I bought a cookbook called The Complete Middle Eastern Cookbook, but over the years I’ve only cooked once or twice out of it. Why? I have no idea. So I’ve been digging through it recently, and I found an intriguing recipe called a “Baked Lamb Casserole”. Well, I changed things up a bit in the preparation:

Cyprus Beef Stew, before

That’s beef, not lamb. And the recipe calls for baking the dish in a casserole preferably of unglazed terracotta; not only did I not use unglazed terracotta, but I didn’t even bake the dish! I used my crockpot. Oh well. At least I followed the other ingredients as specified (cumin, diced tomatoes, onion sliced very thin). Except for my substitution of some wine for half the water specified in the recipe. I don’t know that Middle Eastern cooks do a lot of cooking with wine, but I am almost utterly incapable of using plain water as the simmering fluid in any kind of stew. I’m just not wired that way! This was kind of unusual for me; whenever I try a new recipe, I almost always make it exactly the way the recipe says to do so the first time, before I start monkeying with it a second time. This time, I was monkeying with the recipe right from the outset.

But anyway, the stew turned out wonderfully! I served it on a bed of couscous with some crusty bread on the side (although for Middle Eastern authenticity I really should have used flatbread of some sort) and a dish of extra-virgin olive oil for dipping. The dish was wonderful, although it didn’t yield much at all, because I halved the recipe, as I tend to do with new recipes that indicate that as produced they will serve six to eight people.

Anyway, the result was terrific:

Cyprus Beef Stew, complete

I look forward to doing this recipe again, as well as a bunch of others in that cookbook.

:: Oh teevee gods, forgive me, but I’ve become hooked on Survivor. I don’t know why, but I have. Anyway, in a recent episode, the “reward” challenge (where the winning tribe gets some kind of reward, usually food) was…hot dogs. Well, sometimes the power of suggestion is all I need, so all the next day I was in a giant mood for hot dogs. Thus it was that this came to pass:

You always wondered how big my mouth is....

By the way, my preferred condiment for a hot dog is mustard and diced onions. Once in a great while, maybe some pickle relish. Ketchup? Not on a hot dog. Ever. Ixnay on the etchupkay!

More food-related posts as I continue to eat my way through life!

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Signs you’re in a fine local lunch establishment

Chain restaurants are all well and good, but sometimes you decide to give that little local place a try, to see if it’s any good. You know the place: it’s the one you’ve driven by any number of times while you’ve lived in your town, the one you occasionally see and think, “I should try that place some day.” One day you finally decide to go in there and give it a shot. You walk in and size the place up a bit. What things should you be looking for, before you ever taste the food?

The older the building the place is in, the better.

It should have no dedicated parking of its own. You should have to park on the street or in a town lot and then walk to the place.

The dining room should have exactly enough tables to be served by a single server. Twice that number, making two servers, if it’s warm weather time and thus they have the patio open.

The pictures on the walls should be tastefully chosen, with one or two not quite hung level. Bonus points for local artists’ works being on the wall.

There should be a tiny counter with three or four stools where you could sit, if you wanted.

There should be a display case near the register that contains locally-made baked goods (if not baked goods made directly on the spot).

When you walk in, there should be several tables where people are still sitting who have already been done with their food for some time when you arrive.

The people at said tables should continue to linger while you’re there.

The server should be on a first-name basis with at least one of the parties already in the dining room, if she’s not already on a first-name basis with you.

The hours of operation should be early morning to early afternoon: breakfast and lunch only.

Breakfast should be served at all times.

The lunch menu should consist of seven or eight sandwiches, four or five salads, and a two or three burgers. And that’s it.

Sandwiches should be served with chips and a pickle spear.

When you see the server bringing food to another table, you should note the impressive portion sizes relative to the prices on the menu.

If they’re playing music, it should be commercial-free satellite radio. Or NPR with the volume turned high enough that you can recognize Carl Kasell’s voice without being able to make out what he’s saying.

And then the food arrives, and it is good.

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The official site of Kelly Sedinger: Reader, writer, photographer, and dreamer

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