They call him MISTER Shatner

Oh wow, how did I pass so much time online without hearing this? It’s an MP3 of a recording session by William Shatner in which he’s recording a voiceover of some sort. But when the producer guy decides to start making specific requests regarding Shatner’s delivery of said voiceover, he unwittingly unleashes Shatner’s Inner Jerk, with utterly hysterical results. This was played on the Howard Stern show, so after the Shatner stuff is over, there’s some salty commentary by Stern and cohorts. But wow, that laugh of Shatner’s…you can just hear him thinking, “OK, jerk-off producer guy, you want to mess with Teh Shat?”

(Found in this MeFi thread)

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Makin’ it up as he goes

Last week when I wrote my list of 100 Things That Bug Me, I included as item #32 that when the new Indiana Jones movie comes out, the criticism focused on it will credit anything good in the movie to Spielberg or Harrison Ford or the screenwriter or whomever, while anything bad in the movie will be all George Lucas’s fault. The narrative about Lucas seems to be settling that whenever he manages to turn out something good, it’s invariably the result of some kind of alchemical reaction resulting from the happy circumstance of the talent he’s put together for that particular project, because it’s been clearly established that Lucas himself, left to his own devices, produces naught but Certified Crap On A Stick. And wouldn’t you know it, but I found a precursor in a post by Lance Mannion.

It seems that Lance watched Raiders of the Lost Ark with his family the other night, and while he still likes the movie as a whole, he doesn’t care for the film’s climax, what with the Ark of the Covenant unleashing the Power of God to melt the faces of the Nazis and make Belloq’s head literally explode. If he doesn’t like the ending, that’s his prerogative, obviously, but look where he places the blame:

It’s funny how that George Lucas, having originally conceived of the Indiana Jones movies as being full of the occult and the spook-tacular, had to have all that wedged into each movie, as if he looked at each of Spielberg’s first edits and said, “Where’s all the scary mystical stuff, Steven? Go back and put some in, ok?”

“Wedged into each movie”? When I saw Raiders as a kid, I thought the whole opening of the film was deliciously creepy; it didn’t feel “wedged” in there at all.

Lance also backs his point by appealing to John Williams as a gigantic factor in the success of Star Wars, saying:

A third if not half of the original Star Wars’ contagious joyfulness came from Williams’ score. A lesser composer and Star Wars might easily have been a one-shot, a cult favorite, kept alive by repeated late night showings on the Sci-fi channel back when the superimposed cartoon aliens commented on every film.

Ouch. There you have the standard thinking on George Lucas: it’s always to someone else’s credit when something of his is good. Now it’s John Williams keeping Star Wars out of MST3K oblivion. Not that I don’t revere the score to Star Wars, because I do, but let’s be realistic: there are lots of movies with great scores that have nevertheless sunk into obscurity. I don’t think a score has ever saved a movie, no matter what the Jerry Goldsmith freaks at the FSM board will tell you. (The Final Conflict has a great score. It’s still a piece of crap of a movie.)

This kind of thinking happens all the time. I have a friend at work who seems to loathe George Lucas, and like all such sufferers of Lucas Derangement Syndrome, he loves to toss Howard the Duck into the conversation whenever Lucas’s name comes up. And he won’t be dissuaded by the obvious point that Lucas neither wrote, directed, scored, nor starred in Howard the Duck: “Hey, he produced it! That means he’s responsible for the whole thing!” Well, OK, but if we’re going to go by that logic, then I think it’s probably time we all let Michael Bay off the hook for Pearl Harbor, Steven Spielberg for 1941, Eddie Murphy for The Golden Child, Joel Schumacher and George Clooney for Batman and Robin, and…well, you get the idea. Now, there is something to be said for magic happening when certain creative teams get together, but this is by no means a sure thing. Not every Astaire-and-Rogers musical is a gem; Fierce Creatures is an entertaining comedy, but despite sharing the same four leads, it’s no Fish Called Wanda.

But to return to Raiders of the Lost Ark, I’ve never had a problem with the ending. Lance and his commenters seem to think that the ending doesn’t fit the movie that precedes it, but of course it does! The early briefing scene, when Indy and Marcus Brody are explaining the Ark of the Covenant to the two Army guys who seem to never have attended Sunday School, has Indy opening his Bible to an engraving of the Ark blasting its enemies with “Lightning, fire, or the Power of God or something”; Marcus points out “The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste to entire regions. An army which carries the Ark before it is invincible.” It’s set up very early on that the object the Nazis are looking for contains within it the very power of God, and it’s referenced again in the hold of the cargo ship when the Ark burns the swastika right off the crate, so at the end, when it’s the Power of God which strikes them all down, it comes as no surprise. Nor, really, does the grisly nature of God’s punishment toward those who touch his Ark seem inappropriate to anyone who has read any of the Old Testament at all. This is an instrument of the God who turned Lot’s wife into salt because she looked back at where she’d come from. So yeah, melting the Nazis? I can see Old Testament Jehovah doing that.

What doesn’t quite add up is Indy’s sudden realization that he and Marion will be safe as long as they shut their eyes and refuse to look openly on the power of the Ark. How did he know? Was it pure intuition? We don’t know. In the novelization, there’s a line from that old wise man Indy and Sallah visit for the translation of the writing on the Headpiece; the line seems to be prefaced in the movie, when he says “This is a warning, not to disturb the Ark of the Covenant.” In the movie that’s all he says, but in the book he adds something like “He who would open the Ark and look on its contents will surely die”, reading from the Headpiece. So at the end, it’s that bit of wisdom that Indy suddenly remembers. That would have made the ending of Raiders make a little more sense.

I’m not sure how Lance would have Raiders end, but the Ark is the gun on the mantelpiece, and it’s got to go off in Act Three. And since we’re dealing with not just any gun, but God‘s gun, it’s got to go off something fierce. What else would have done? One final big action set piece? Without the Ark ever being opened? That would have just been silly.

(And here’s a thought: we all know that the Ark is locked away by the US Government by the “bureaucratic fools” Indy rants about at the end. But is that the right way to look at this? I imagine that Indy had to signal for a rescue from that island in the Mediterranean; assuming they’re picked up by an American ship, they’d find a man, a woman, a golden box, and…a whole bunch of dead Nazis who have been slain in spectacularly nasty fashion. Upon returning to the US, these Army guys (one of whom is played by William Hootkins, who was the first Rebel pilot to die above the Death Star in Star Wars) learn all this, and now they’ve got a dilemma: Now that they have the Ark, what the hell do they do with it? If it’s that powerful and indiscriminate in meting out punishment, then they can’t very well use it in any meaningful sense; and they can’t put it back where it was found, now that the Nazis know where Tanis and the Well of Souls are. So, they take the last option that makes any sense: they seal it away themselves, someplace secret and safe. Makes sense to me, and Indy’s “bureaucratic fools” are actually doing the only responsible thing they can. How about that?)

One thing I really like about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is that Indy is never really questing after the Holy Grail because he really wants it, whereas the younger Indy in Raiders wanted the Ark all along. At first, in Last Crusade, Indy is searching for his father; he only ends up going after the Grail because everybody else is, and he doesn’t want it falling into Nazi hands. He’s able to use some of the wisdom he gained in his quest for the Ark in his search for the Grail: when he realizes, for instance, how to get past the whirling blades by kneeling before God, but even moreso when he shows the insight that the Grail would not be a beautiful golden chalice encrusted with jewels, but rather a worn and dented and beat-up old cup befitting a King who showed up to claim his kingdom by riding on a donkey. That’s one really good thing about Last Crusade, a movie which otherwise has quite a few problems.

Lance also seems reticent to watch Temple of Doom again. Frankly, I’ve come full circle on Temple; when it first came out I loved it owing to its constant action, but then I liked it less when I decided I didn’t much like Willie Scott or Short Round. But even later after that, I decided that Willie and Shorty weren’t quite as annoying as all that, and I really liked the film’s set pieces and exploration of a whole different milieu. And I think it’s cool that Indiana Jones’s adventures establish as real the power of Jehovah, of Christ, and of the Gods of the Hindu pantheon. Of course, Temple is a lot more gory than Raiders and Last Crusade; in fact, if memory serves, it was Temple that was largely responsible for the creation of the PG-13 rating in the first place.

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It’s his gift…it’s his curse.

Becca points out that it’s Lance Henriksen’s birthday. Happy birthday, Frank Black! It really is too bad that Chris Carter never really figured out what he wanted to do with Millennium, but wow, those first two seasons are some brilliant teevee.

At her post, Becca provides five fascinating factoids about Henriksen. Here’s a sixth: he’s a master potter. He used to actually have a site where you could buy his pottery, but that seems to be gone for now. I’d love to sip tea from a Lance Henriksen mug, though!

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Life Day

I was just reading a post on some other blog, and I saw the umpteenth assertion that the Star Wars Holiday Special was Godawful dreck, and I got to wondering, “Hmmm…is it possible that it really wasn’t quite that bad? Could it have been kind of good, in a kitschy way?” So it was off to YouTube, and…

Hoo boy. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go lay down in bed and quiver in existential horror.

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OMG! I get to correct Ken Jennings!!!

Apparently, Ken Jennings is in Seattle, where it’s snowing a lot. Not to leave his commentary at that, however, Ken goes on to make a pretty obscure pop cultural reference:

Maybe we’re victims of that crazy weather machine that Elizabeth Taylor was using to freeze Port Charles back on General Hospital in the early ’80s. Yeah, there’s a reference that exactly nobody will get.

Au contraire, Ken! Not only do I get the reference, but I get to point out your error: it wasn’t Liz Taylor’s character (yes, she was on GH), Helena Cassadine, who was tormenting Port Charles with the weather machine, but rather her husband Mikkos, who was played by John Colicos. Helena Cassadine didn’t come along until Luke and Laura’s wedding, which was well after Luke’s thwarting of Mikkos’s plot.

Colicos is an actor well-known to geekdom of that period, having played Commander Kor, one of the more memorable Klingons on Star Trek (TOS) and then reprised the role on a couple of episodes of Deep Space Nine (by which time Kor had gone from looking like a TOS Klingon to looking like a regular old ridged-forehead Klingon), and the villainous Baltar on the original incarnation of Battlestar Galactica.

But anyway, Ken’s got the right nefarious plot to destroy Port Charles, but the wrong villain. Good thing that was never the “Final Jeopardy!” answer while he was on the show!

(And here’s a trivia question: when Luke Spencer was trying to access the control panel that would deactivate the weather machine, he had to type in the password that Mikkos Cassadine had chosen. What was that password?)

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The Big Red Cheese (and that other guy)

I have a couple of new reviews up at Green Man Review. First I look at Jeff Smith’s recent graphic novel treatment of Captain Marvel, SHAZAM! The Monster Society of Evil, which I liked a lot, and Kevin J. Anderson’s recent prose-novel treatment of the last days of Superman’s home planet of Krypton, titled appropriately enough, The Last Days of Krypton. This one I didn’t like as much, although I’m not sure it’s totally Anderson’s fault as he probably did the best he could with the task at hand. Anyway, check out the reviews. Or don’t. Hey, it’s your mouse. I can’t make you click the links!

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Whills, and the Journals they keep


Star Wars poster draft, originally uploaded by Michael Heilemann.

THE date for Star Wars fans is, of course, May 25, 1977, when the very first film was released way back when; but I see via The Dude that there’s actually an earlier date: April 17, 1973, which is when Lord George, Duke of Lucas, sat down with legal pad and No. 2 pencil in hand to start cobbling together his first draft of The Star Wars.

For we obsessives who have delved into those early drafts (The Jedi Bendu Script Site is an invaluable resource), it’s fascinating to see which elements of Lucas’s first writings made it into the first films, and then to further see everything come full circle as some of those very early notions, set aside for the Original Trilogy, eventually turned up in the Prequel Trilogy (the planet Utapau, Darth Maul’s attack on Qui Gon in the Tatooine desert, and so on). It all started coming together way back in 1973.

(By the way, the image here is taken from a Flickr gallery of Ralph McQuarrie’s amazing conceptual art for the Star Wars films. His art was instrumental in selling the concept to the studios, and is well-worth checking out. Be sure to click through to the large version of this early poster concept, just to read the dummy credits at the bottom. Try to imagine Star Wars with songs sung by Andy Williams!)

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I want to believe

Apparently the new X-Files movie will be subtitled I Want To Believe, which as any good TXF fan knows, is the slogan on the famous poster on Fox Mulder’s office wall. I like the title.

So am I excited for the return of TXF? I wasn’t at first, although I wasn’t not excited either; just “Huh. I hope it’s good.” Well, now I’m starting to hope it’s pretty darn good after all.

But just one thing: I hope the producers toned down Gillian Anderson a bit for the movie, because I’ve just spent some time surfing through this extensive Gillian Anderson photo collection, and let me say, if she looks like this in the movie:

…I may have some difficulty concentrating on the plot. Or the dialogue. Or my popcorn. I’m just sayin’.

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Daylex

I enjoy a clever LOLCat photo as much as the next person, but I don’t post many of ’em here because, well, that’s really kind of picking the low fruit when it comes to blogging, isn’t it?

But hey, once in a while one comes along that really hits my funny bone right on the sweet spot, and this is one such case:

Humorous Pictures
see more crazy cat pics

Heh!

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A bit o’ geek stuff

A few links of geek and pop culture import, starting with some items that caught my eye at AICN:

:: A movie version of Philip Reeve’s novel Larklight is in the works. Hopefully this project goes well, because the book is one of the most entertaining reads I’ve had in recent memory. I just hope they don’t get Hans Zimmer to write the music. Nothing against Zimmer, but this will really need a pompous, Elgarian sound.

:: Looking at NBC’s announced schedule for next season, I see that ER‘s next season will be its last. Longtime readers will know that I think this should have happened four or five years ago, when the show wasn’t a complete shell of its former self. The show started losing me with the awful killing of Dr. Romano, and then it came close to permanently losing me with the even more awful resolution of the Reece Benton custody battle, and then it finally lost me for good when it had its own Moldavian Wedding Massacre (see this post of mine for the reference there) and had a bunch of criminals shoot up the ER. Back in the day, though, wow, was that show good.

:: The film version of The Hobbit officially has a composer: Howard Shore, who is the only choice, really. The idea of a Middle Earth film without music by Shore is just plain wrong.

And to think, I thought for a fleeting moment back in 2005 that, with the conclusion of the Star Wars saga, geek culture would enter a Dark Age….

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