Sentential Links #128

And away we goooooo!

:: Coming to America may be the Blackest comedy ever made, and it’s little touches like McDowell’s that elevate it past the mild amusement it seems to garner from White viewers into the upper echelon of hilarity it occupies for us. It crushes us under the weight of familiarity, to the point where a musical cue or a mere image is enough to inspire raucous laughter. There are so many in-jokes that the film is like an old Negro Spiritual: everybody can hear the music, but only we can understand the code in the words. (I love Coming to America; for me, it’s Eddie Murphy’s best comedy, edging out Trading Places.)

:: Everyone usually expresses such polite jealousy when they hear I freelance full time. And to be honest, I used to as well. But now sometimes I think the idea that people have built up in their heads is of a lifestyle that might as well include half-naked servants feeding the freelancer grapes. (You mean the lifestyle of a freelancer isn’t like that? Oh noes!!)

:: There’s something utterly true about Advent and Lent, Good Friday and Ash Wednesday. Some days are dark. Some seasons are times of desolation. Someday your life will end. And yet: ashes signify not only desolation but also renewal, not only sorrow but also the hope of joy, not only death, but also transformation.

:: The stars are aligning too much for me to ignore them any more. I’m on a Jane Austen kick and I can’t help it.

:: Here is a picture of two bald, middle aged white men at the makeshift Obama for America headquarters here at Rotus Ranch.

:: It’s true, lutefisk is more popular in the United States than in Norway. What the hell are they doing with it? They’re not eating it are they? Is it because it’ a cheap alternative to colonic irrigation? Seriously, how do you advertise this stuff? (OK, this isn’t specifically a blog post, but still, here it is. I went to college with people from Minnesota and Wisconsin, and thus folks who knew what lutefisk is all about. Not one of them liked it, or would admit it, but they all said the same thing: “It’s this incredibly nasty stuff that my grandmother makes.” Link via SamuraiFrog, who’s been linking the hell out me lately, so thanks to him! I loves me the GoogleJuice.)

:: Here’s a shocking truth: a lot of so-called “A-list” celebrities don’t have what it takes to succeed in voice acting, because it’s an entirely different set of skills, and an entirely different work ethic. It’s hard, and it’s competitive, and it’s not someplace “down on their luck actors with distinct voices” go when they can’t go anywhere else. To imply otherwise is an insult to the actors whose voices bring these characters to life. I find that truly offensive.

:: Let’s talk about last night’s House episode for a bit. (You know, there’s something about stories set partially at the South Pole that always trips up on the logistics front. I think of the X-Files movie, where Mulder is somehow able to get from Washington, DC to the South Pole all by himself in a span of time about twenty-four hours long, or something like that.)

:: “Your children will grow up in a world with two suns. You’ll be able to tell them of the time when there was only one bright star, and people feared the night. Someday the children of the new sun will meet the children of the old. I think they will be our friends. You can tell your children of the day when everyone looked up and realized that we were only tenants of this world.” (Ah Geez, Roy Scheider died. That’s sad. I think he’s been a pretty underrated actor for a long time.)

And that’s all for now. Tune in again next week!

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123

I got tagged with the “123 Meme”, which goes thusly:

1. Pick up the nearest book ( of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

OK, here we go. As it happens, I have a small bookshelf immediately adjacent the computer table, so I consider every book on that shelf to be the “nearest book”. That being the case, I figure I should choose something fairly odd, so here it is: for this meme-thing I’m using The Book of the SubGenius: The Sacred Teachings of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs.

I bought this book years ago, in my “Collecting books on all manner of very weird subjects” phase, a phase which included my purchasing of many books on conspiracy theory and UFOs and the like. (Not that I’ve ever believed in any such, but it’s terribly fun to think about. Kind of like ghosts and stuff in Stephen King novels and X-Files episodes.) I’ve never read Book of the SubGenius all the way through, but I’ve thumbed through it on occasion. It’s a lot of gonzo fun, and I’m not totally convinced there’s not something to it all; surely we could all use more Slack!

But anyway, back to the Meme-thing in progress. Assuming that I start counting with the first full sentence — i.e., not counting the sentence carried over from the preceding page 122 — here are the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth sentences as they appear in the book:

BE READY.) [Sentence #5 comes in a parenthetical note. -Me]

What we envision for these dark days, when most others are starving, is a healthy feudal system in which all fit male and female SebGeniuses are warrior thug-serfs for “Bob”. How can any potential OverMan or ÜberLady entertain teh faitnest hopes of surviving the End Times without “Bob”? Yes, “Bob ” will be in Dallas then and you’ll want to be where “Bob” is if you want tickets to the Rescue Ships from Planet X… so why not serve under him and his chosen representatives on Earth while you STILL CAN???

Wow. Suddenly I’m wanting to read this thing all the way through. I think the secret answers I’ve been looking for may have been on my bookshelf the entire time!

And now, to tag people. Hmmmmm…normally I don’t tag people, but here are some that might be disposed. Or might not. They’re a temperamental bunch.

Erin, Jennifer, SamuraiFrog, (It’s not “No Meme Month” on my calendar!), Tosy and Cosh, and Lynn.

And there you have it.

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Save the last dance….

I think I’m going to file this news story away in my brain for the next time I have a disagreement with The Wife. Seriously, this may be the most horrible thing I’ve ever read. Wow. I can’t imagine that happening…with all eyes on you, the husband.

Those of you with spouses, go hug him or her. Those of you with significant others who may become spouses, do likewise. You just never know, do you?

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Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Good stuff this week:

:: First, a couple of photo-blogs that aren’t exactly “weird” in the sense of “Wow, that’s really weird!”, but in the sense of, “Hmmm, interesting notion for a blog.” First is the Fail Blog, which is a collection of those photos of failure, usually either impending or actually unfolding, helpfully captioned thusly:

And then there’s the The Signage of Negative Space, which features photos of illuminated signs whose forms involve dark shaping over backlighting, like this:

“Negative space” in art is an interesting thing. I remember years ago reading an interview with comics artist and writer John Byrne, when he was working on the post-Crisis on Infinite Earths relaunch of Superman, and he indicated that the only way he’d ever been able to draw the classic Superman insignia was not to draw the actual ‘S’ but rather the negative spaces involved. Anyhow, moving on….

:: Sticking with signage, Heavy Metal Redneck has a photophoto of fairly creepy bit of signage that is apparently part of a whole series of signs gracing Owasso, Oklahoma. I’ve decided that I want to move to Owasso, since this is clearly a town where all other problems have been solved.

(But really, this notion that putting up signs helps correct negative behaviors is one of the enduring mistakes that our civilization makes. If this really worked, surely we could win the War on Terror ™ by simply plastering the entire Middle East with signage reading, “Blowing things up is forbidden and won’t work anyway.”)

Link via Lynn, who has some kind of relation to Heavy Metal Redneck.

:: Still sticking with signage, and again via Lynn, here’s a place that will apparently convert your used clothes into…well, go look. This would seem to violate so many laws, both moral and physical, that you have to wonder how this joint’s not a smoking crater by now.

:: Hmmmm.

Snicker.

Snicker snicker.

Chuckle.

Chuckle chuckle.

Guffaw.

Guffaw guffaw guffaw.

Hee hee…heh heh heh….

BWAAA-HAAAA-HAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh my stars and garters, another one! BWAAA-HAAAA-HAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh heavens! Super Bowl XLII is the gift that keeps on giving!!

(Both links via Kissing Suzy Kolber, which is laced with R-rated content, often directed squarely at the NFL team from New England. If you’re offended by such, don’t go there. Trust me.)

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Drink up me hearties!

So in the last month we’ve finally caught up on our Johnny Depp swashbuckler viewing by watching the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. Prevailing opinion of these movies, so far as I can tell, is that each could have been an hour shorter, each is a mess with too much incomprehensible plot, each consists of a couple of large-scale action set pieces surrounded by boring scenes in which characters continually doublecross each other. In fact, the one word that seems common to nearly every review of these two movies I’ve read is “mess”. Ouch. They must really be bad, right?

Well, wouldn’t you know it: I love the two sequels, I found the plots of each fairly easy to follow, and I wasn’t in the least bit confused by all the apparent switching of loyalties. Go figure. These aren’t great movies, but they’re really very good, in my view. I can’t see why so many people hated them.

I don’t understand the critiques of the films from a story point of view, at least as far as the claims that there isn’t enough story to sustain the films and that the second movie is nothing more than set-up for the third. Well, DMC is designed to lead directly into AWE, so of course it’s a large set-up: it’s literally one-half of a story, with the other half contained in AWE. The PotC movies are less like, say, the Indiana Jones or James Bond films, each of which contains a single story that has no bearing on the next. They’re more like the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings movies, in which they are intended clearly to serve as parts of a larger whole. Since DMC is the first half of a story, to say that it’s set-up for the third movie is actually praise rather than complaint: the movie does its job well.

So what of that larger whole, anyway? I genuinely didn’t have much problem with it. Some stuff isn’t handled as well as it should be, but for the most part, I was never totally confused by the machinations of the story, even when characters start betraying one another and apparently switching sides. I say “apparently” because, for all the double-crossing that goes on, the actual motivations of the characters never changes, which is nice: they’re always acting toward the same goal. Will Turner’s actions are driven first by his desire to be free to marry Elizabeth, and then by his desire to free his father from Davy Jones’s servitude. Captain Jack Sparrow’s actions are always driven by his desire to be free, and by the fact that he defines his freedom in terms of having a ship such that he can always sail wherever he wishes. Now, it may be the case that the various motivations aren’t always cleared up right away, and sometimes when they really should be, but they’re there. Basically, I found that the characters stay true to themselves throughout, which is something I appreciate.

Taking the two films separately, I can certainly see how the plots can be seen as convoluted, but really, they aren’t that complicated after all. Jack’s actions at the beginning of DMC are explained soon enough: he became Captain through making a bargain with Davy Jones, who raised the Black Pearl from the ocean floor for Jack to command, with the proviso that after thirteen years of being Captain, Jack would owe Davy Jones one hundred years of servitude aboard the Flying Dutchman, a bargain Jack is clearly eager to circumvent; this he plans to do by capturing the Dead Man’s Chest, which contains the very heart of Davy Jones. Leverage. Captain Jack Sparrow is always all about leverage.

Meanwhile, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann are to be married, but they are arrested for piracy instead by Lord Cutler Beckett, the new Big Cheese in the Caribbean. Will is offered freedom in exchange for retrieving Jack’s compass, which we later learn points in the direction of whatever one wants most; meanwhile, Elizabeth escapes and goes after Will, not understanding why he’s left without telling her where he was going.

What’s so confusing about this? Nothing that I can see, really, but the film does derail itself a bit with a lengthy set-piece that involves an escape from a tribe of cannibals. Maybe that bothers some viewers, but I didn’t have much difficulty with this either, as the whole sequence is nicely in keeping with the gonzo action sequences of the first film. (I particularly love the double-take both sets of pirate prisoners do when they realize that there’s really no reason for both groups to survive and escape to the Pearl.)

I don’t need to go into the plot details beyond that, but I note that it’s not all that hard to follow, and with one admittedly large exception, just about everything that happens actually gets explained at some point. Why do Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and James Norrington all want the Dead Man’s Chest? Who is Tia Dalma, and why does she have the presumed-dead Captain Barbossa ready at hand? Why is she already apparently planning a voyage to World’s End, to save Jack Sparrow? Why is Lord Beckett trying to get Jack’s compass? Why is Davy Jones always playing emotionally-laden music on the organ in his quarters? What is the significance of his locket? All of this is explained, and within the dense and happily gonzo mythology the PotC writers have created, it all fits together pretty nicely. With the exception of a couple of action sequences, just about everything that happens in these movies actually leads on to the next thing. Fine by me. Sometimes the movies take their sweet time in explaining why one thing leads to the next thing, but that’s not the same thing as not explaining it at all.

I also loved how the afore-mentioned gonzo mythology of the film draws from all manner of sea lore, with great sea monsters, buried treasures, curses, a ghost ship called the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones’s locker being a real place belonging to a very real Davy Jones, and so on. I loved the design of the creatures, from the skeletal cursed crew of the Black Pearl in the first movie to the men of the Dutchman, who are gradually becoming one with the sea and are thus taking on the appearance of all the creatures of the ocean. I loved how many of the minor moments of the first movie came into play in the later films: that one guy’s wooden eye, the way that Will gets Jack out of a prison cell, and so on. The visuals of these films are magnificent, with every ship seeming to move through real water with very real weight, and Gore Verbinski’s direction of the action sequences is extremely well-handled. In the final “Maelstrom” sequence of AWE, all hell is breaking loose, and yet Verbinski keeps everything clear to the point where the sequence is very easily followed. I never found any of the action sequences hard to follow, and it’s these kinds of sequences that are the hardest to get right.

So, what else? Most commentators I’ve read have mentioned that Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are barely adequate in the films, but I generally had little problem with them, so there’s that. As for the other actors, I loved all but one. We’ll get to that in a minute, but first the good: if they make more of these movies, focusing on Captain Jack Sparrow, I could watch Johnny Depp playing him forever. I nearly cheered at the end of DMC when Captain Barbossa was revealed to be very much alive; one great thing about AWE is the way Barbossa becomes one of our heroes, as opposed to one of our villains, and yet he remains the same character. He hasn’t had a change of heart; it’s the allegiances of everyone around him that have changed. That was great, and Geoffrey Rush could play Barbossa for life, as far as I’m concerned, as well.

The films also have a lot of fine dialogue, with lots of exchanges that gave me pleasure. This, between Jack Sparrow and Barbossa, when they are standing beside the body of the dead kraken, really stood out in my ear:

BARBOSSA: Still thinkin’ of running, Jack? Think you can outrun the world? You know the problem with being the last of anything, by and by there be none left at all.

JACK SPARROW: Sometimes things come back mate. We’re livin’ proof, you and me.

BARBOSSA: Aye, but that’s a gamble of long odds, ain’t it? There’s never a guarantee of comin’ back. But passin’ on, that’s dead certain.

JACK SPARROW: Summoning the brethren court then, is it?

BARBOSSA: It’s our only hope, lad.

JACK SPARROW: That’s a sad commentary in and of itself.

BARBOSSA: The world used to be a bigger place.

JACK SPARROW: World’s still the same. There’s just less in it.

“There’s just less in it.” What a great sentiment, and what a perfect line for Captain Jack Sparrow, a man who would rather live free in a world where he can die in the grasp of a vicious “beastie” like Davy Jones’s kraken than any other. Jack is mourning the monster who killed him. I loved that.

Another great bit of casting is Bill Nighy as Davy Jones. His face is obscured by the visual effects of the tentacles they give him, but he is still able to emote strongly with his eyes, and it’s clear that the facial expressions of his tentacled mug are models on the real expressions he made at the time, so much so that I found him totally believable as a character. His performance here is along the lines of Andy Serkis as Gollum in the Lord of the Rings films: even though we see almost nothing of the actual man, he gives a full-on performance through and through, as the man fearsome enough to make Captain Jack Sparrow afraid. And as long as I’m on the subject of Davy Jones, he’s really a great character, a man who has become somewhat twisted and refused to carry on his duties as Captain of the Dutchman in his bitterness over his doomed love for Calypso. The scene between him and her in the hold of the Pearl is a really good scene: he demands to know why she wasn’t there for him when she’d said she would be, and she replies, “It is my nature.” Isn’t that the truth? The beautiful sea has been betraying sailors ever since men first put boats into water. There’s quite a lot of insight in these films that slides right by, almost unnoticed.

So who, then, is the weak link in the cast whom I mention above? Sadly, it’s a big one, and it’s probably the biggest reason I think that the PotC sequels miss the mark of being potentially great adventure movies. It’s the guy who plays the main villain of the two films, Lord Cutler Beckett. I can’t remember the name of the actor, and that’s the problem: he’s as white-bread a villain as you’ll find, basically using two facial expressions and a British accent to establish his villainy. This is a person who aspires to ruling over all the seas of the world, and he is brazen enough to take command over Davy Jones himself, and he’s played by one of the blandest actors I’ve ever seen. He’s supposed to be the virtual equal of Captain Jack Sparrow, having been the man who branded the Captain a pirate, and yet, the actor is blown off the screen by Johnny Depp in their one big scene together. Heck, he’s even dominated on the screen by Orlando Bloom. For this part, an actor was needed who was at least equal to Johnny Depp, and this simply didn’t happen. A great adventure movie needs a great villain. This one could have had a great villain, but it didn’t. (Aside from Davy Jones.)

The failure of Lord Beckett isn’t just the actor’s fault, though; the script leaves him too blank. We learn that Beckett and Jack Sparrow have a history, but we learn nothing at all of what that history is. Jack points out that his compass won’t help Beckett because what Beckett most wants is Sparrow dead. This is an interesting little twist, but the obvious question — why does Beckett want Sparrow dead – is never answered. Beckett is more cypher than character, and it hurts the film.

Other problems with AWE are smaller, but real. The freeing of Calypso from her human bonds is a good scene – Captain Barbossa’s interpretation of what it means to “speak to a lover” is hysterical – but then there’s a very odd bit where Calypso suddenly becomes a fifty-foot giant before exploding into a million crabs. This was just silly.

Also faulty is the nature of the final battle. While it’s certainly true that we only really need to see a clash between the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman, since those are the two ships we’re actually invested in, this needed a bit more set-up, since the film has to this point been setting up a massive battle between the pirate fleet and the English. Even worse is that there was an obvious way to do this: by resorting to the Pirate Code of the Brethren. (“I call on the right of Single Combat by ship: one vessel from each fleet. The Pearl versus your flagship.” Which Beckett could then use to seize the upper hand by sending not his flagship, but the invincible Dutchman.) Truth is, as much as I loved watching these two films, they definitely could have used another run-through in the script-writing phase. A lot of necessary exposition in these movies comes at very odd times: it’s from the dead Governor Swann (whose demise really should have been shown onscreen, come to that) that we first hear the fateful words “The Dutchman must have a Captain”, and the explanation for Tia Dalma’s resurrection of Captain Barbossa goes by in a flash, even though it makes perfect and utter sense (he’s one of the Pirate Lords, and without him, she can never be freed from her human bonds as Calypso).

So the second and third PotC films are big, loud, exuberant films that feature many conflicting loyalties and actions on the part of their characters that are sometimes a bit hard to follow. But that’s not the same as saying that these films are a “mess”.

(I’ll say something in a later post about Hans Zimmer’s music for these films. Zimmer’s a troublesome figure in film music.)

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Unidentified Earth 26: The Return!!

OK, folks, I know it’s been a while since this series was a going concern, but it’s time to start that up again. So we’ll start with finally identifying the last installment, which Jayme gamely placed as Vasquez Rocks, a famous natural rock formation in the Los Angeles area. How famous is it? Well, it’s appeared in a lot of movies and TV shows over the years. Go look: if you’ve watched any Star Trek at all, you’ve seen Vasquez Rocks.

So anyway, now I need to come up with a new location. Problem is, I had a whole bunch of ’em saved up in my bookmarks folder, the folder that got scotched along with everything else when the Main Computer at home went temporarily belly-up a couple of weeks back. So, going “off the cuff” as it were, here’s one that may be pretty easy:

Where are we? As before, rot-13 your guesses, please!

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Ask Me Anything! (2008 version)

Seeing as how we’re coming up on the sixth anniversary of the birth of this blog, I figured it’s time to play the old game, Ask Me Anything!, in which you, the readers, get to Ask Me Anything!. So, go ahead, in comments, ask away: silly questions, profound questions, brain teaser questions, whatever. Try to trick me into saying something bad about George Lucas (it won’t work), or something nice about Bill Belichick (like that’ll ever happen!). I’ll collect questions for a few days, maybe until Monday or Tuesday, and then I’ll start answering.

So, Ask Me Anything!

(The last iteration of Ask Me Anything! can be found here.)

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“Lelawala” (fiction)

Well, the winners were announced today in the Buffalo News‘s short story contest, and my winning streak has ended at one. Oh well…I can’t even get angry at the winner, since it turns out that he and I both work for the same company, but mark my words: next year I shall crush all comers like half-rotted pistachio nuts! Even more sadly, my submission wasn’t even chosen to be one of the five entries that are still alive for the “Reader’s Choice” thing, but that’s OK, since I’ve got a blog and I can therefore award my own tale the “Best Flash Fiction meeting the Requirements of the 2008 Contest Award EVER So Put That In Your Pipe and Smoke It You Goobers” Award. Huzzah!

Ahem…

Anyway, here’s my entry. The requirements were these: no longer than 600 words, the story must be set in Western NY, and must include a man, a woman, and “a job offer”. My tale is based on the Native American legend of the Maid of the Mist. Enjoy. I rather like the way this one turned out; I gravitate toward ambiguous tales of magic.

“Lelawala”

Handing her a cup of tea, he asked: “You said you have a job for me?”

The old woman nodded. “A woodcarving project that my husband started just before he died.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t do much carving anymore,” he said. “It’s getting hard to hold a chisel.” He rubbed his arthritic fingers.

“You carved that,” she said, gesturing to the item on the mantelpiece behind her. “I saw it at the Fair last month. I knew when I saw it that you were the one for this job.”

He lowered his head. “I didn’t want to enter it at all. My son made me do it.”

“I’m glad he did,” she replied, approaching the figurine on the mantel. Eight inches long: a Native American woman in a white birch canoe. Intricate carvings of animals along the sides; her gaze turned upward into the sky…or beyond. “I doubt Lelawala had red hair,” she said.

The man sighed. “Artistic license. She’s only a legend.”

She smiled. “Maybe not. My grandmother always claimed her as an ancestor.” She glanced at the framed photograph next to the carving, a photograph of a red-haired girl. “But it is a likeness, isn’t it?”

The old woman’s eyes compelled an answer, and he nodded. “Yes.”

“Your daughter?”

“Yes.”

“She died?”

“Last February,” he said. “It’s been hard.” He didn’t mention that her middle name had been Lelawala, or that he and his wife had met on the Maid of the Mist.

The woman brushed away a tear. “I had a son, once.” She ran a finger along the wooden boat’s painted gunwales. “I want you to carve this. Just the canoe. I need it finished by the next first day of Spring.”

“Why then?”

“Because it has to be then. Will you do it?”

“By Spring? That’s six months–“

“I didn’t mention that the canoe is life-size,” she cut in.

He gaped. “Life size?”

“Can you do it?”

He swallowed. Again her eyes compelled him, and he nodded. She smiled and drained her teacup. “I will call you with the arrangements. Thank you.”

After she was gone, he wondered why he agreed. He would wonder that often, all the rest of his years.

***

The six months he had were just enough. Finally on the first day of Spring he met her on Grand Island, at sunrise, amidst the swirling mists, at the edge of the water, as she had instructed. She was so much more frail now: the result of age and leukemia. He knew what was to happen now, of course. He’d long since figured that out.

“I can’t stay,” he said. “I can’t watch.”

Her only reply was to kiss him on the cheek, and then she climbed into the boat and began paddling away from shore. The current was slow at first, but it would become soon become inexorable. He stood there watching as the mists closed about her. At the very last, a beam of young sunlight shot through and made her hair appear as though fiery red.

“Lelawala!” he shouted, but no response came. The mists closed and she was gone.

There were few tourists on Goat Island that early. It was cold and foggy, and the water was still choked with winter ice. Some thought they saw a boat, but in the fog no one could be sure, save one German tourist whose camera caught a glimpse of a red-haired maiden in the mist, riding a canoe into the embrace of mighty Niagara, the thundering waters bringing her home.

::..finis..::

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Top Men

Indiana Jones, standing on some crates:

Who cares about crates? Well, remember the very last shot in Raiders of the Lost Ark…a warehouse full of crates…and what’s in one of those crates….

(via)

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The official site of Kelly Sedinger: Reader, writer, photographer, and dreamer

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