Look, Mommy! Mommy, look! I’m doin’ it by myself! Look, Mommy!!

The greatest force for evil in the sporting world, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, has apparently just discovered water slides.

God help me…there’s just something a little bit endearing about this. There really, truly is. Of course, whatever it is that’s a little bit endearing about this is totally outweighed by the colossal wrongness of this, but it’s there.

(St. Tom the Overrated is having quite the time on this “organized-team-activity”-free lockout. First bad dancing, and now this!)

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Drafting

Random thoughts on the NFL Draft and the Buffalo Bills’ participation thereof:

:: I was terrified that the Bills were going to take Cam Newton, if he was still there when they came up with the third pick. Luckily, the Carolina Panthers took him first. Newton is a fantastic athlete with tremendous physical gifts and he had a stellar final year of college ball, but that year pretty much constitutes his entire body of work, for the most part, and one-year-wonders have not borne out well in the past. Instead the Bills took Marcell Dareus, whom everyone agrees is awesome.

Now, he could turn out to be a bust, just like Mike Williams did back in 2002 when the Bills took him with the fourth pick overall. While that pick is often cited whenever the discussion of recent Bills draft disasters comes up, I’ve never really blamed them for that one; Williams was seen at the time as an elite prospect who was dead certain to go to someone in the top five. That it was the Bills sucks, but those things happen. You hope they don’t, but they do.

My great dream for this draft was that Newton would drop to the Bills’ spot, and then the Bills would trade down and pick up a pile of extra picks to someone else who wanted him. Obviously that didn’t happen, and all reports are that the Bills actually loved Newton, so if he had dropped to them, they would have taken him. So, I’m actually thrilled with the Dareus pick. I hope he can help the Bills by generating pass rush, either on his own or by disrupting opposing offensive lines sufficiently that other guys can get to the quarterbacks.

Boiling it down: for the first time that I can remember, I don’t feel like I have to talk myself into liking the Bills’ first pick in the draft.

:: They kept drafting defense, taking a cornerback in the second round (a guy who is apparently really big for a CB and can play safety) and a highly-regarded linebacker in the third. I love the focus on defense, which is the big reason the Bills went 4-12 last year; the D couldn’t get off the field, which basically meant that most weeks the Bills needed to win a shoot-out if they wanted to win. Now, the D is obviously not going to automatically be good or even great; the rookies will need their time to grow and learn. But this draft really feels like a draft that bodes well for the future.

:: While most commentators I’ve read give the Bills good marks for their draft this year, there’s a small but vocal minority that rips them for “ignoring” the quarterback position. Well, they have a guy in Ryan Fitzpatrick who is (a) still young and (b) coming off what was a pretty good year. There’s no reason to panic over finding a “franchise quarterback”. Frankly, after seeing the Bills invest four 1st round picks, one 2nd, and one 3rd on “quarterbacks of the future” in the last sixteen years, I’m ready to watch them wait year after year until they feel they’re in a position to grab a guy they’re convinced is the guy. (The QBs? Todd Collins, 2nd round, 1995; Rob Johnson, acquired by trading a 1st rounder to Jacksonville, 1998; Drew Bledsoe, acquired by trading a 1st rounder to New England, 2002; JP Losman, 1st round in 2004 using a pick acquired by trading the 1st rounder in 2005; Trent Edwards, 3rd round, 2006.)

Some of the same commentators rip the Bills for not drafting a tight end. Look, I’m as frustrated as anyone by the Bills’ complete lack of tight end production ever since Pete Metzelaars retired (don’t try telling me that Jay Riemersma was a good tight end), but the fact is that you just can’t fill every hole your team has in the Draft when your team has as many holes as the Bills do. Maybe Shawn Nelson finally shows what he can do this year (if he can truly do anything). But a good tight end — an actual pass-catching tight end, and not some damned blocker like they always get — needs to be here, sooner or later. Especially if they pull the trigger on a “quarterback of the future” soon, because a good pass-catching tight end can really help out a young quarterback.

:: The Patriots are the greatest geniuses in the history of the NFL Draft, ever ever ever, for all time. This is just simply given. I think it’s funny that they drafted Ryan Mallett, though; every Pats fan I’ve ever spoken to thanks God that Drew Bledsoe, the tall strong-armed QB who couldn’t run to save his life, got hurt so that St. Tom the Overrated could become their starter. And now they’ve got Mallett as his potential back-up (and maybe guy for the future). Mallett is a tall, strong-armed QB who can’t run to save his life. The adjective I’ve seen used the most to describe Mallett is “Bledsoesque”. Ouch!

But then, I don’t think Mallett is meant to really be a potential QB of the future for New England, anyway. I continue to think that St. Tom’s physical decline is closer than most people realize, but my conspiracy theory is this. It seems that every year, the Pats go into the Draft with two picks in the 1st Round, and they always use one of those to trade down for extra picks and another 1st in the next year’s Draft. I think that Bill Belichick is waiting for a year to come when he knows he needs to draft St. Tom the Overrated’s successor, at which point he’ll use both of the 1st-rounders in his pocket to trade up and grab a guy. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking with it.

:: Jake Locker in the top ten. Not sure what to make of that.

:: Christian Ponder in the top twelve. Not sure what to make of that, either.

:: But I’m sure glad that quite a few teams will likely be out of the QB market at next year’s draft.

:: Boy, the Falcons better be right about that receiver they really wanted, because they traded away a lot to get him.

:: I have zero idea what the Seahawks were doing in this draft.

:: I wonder what the draft order in 2012 would be if the labor dispute ends up causing the cancellation of the entire season…would they just repeat the draft order from this year, or come up with some kind of lottery to determine the order?

:: One of Buffalo’s sportstalk guys was predicting that the NFL would go to a lottery for the top pick in the draft at some point in the near future. I hope this doesn’t happen. I’m not a big fan of lotteries and much prefer teams picking players in the order of how badly the teams sucked.

Welcome to Buffalo, rookies of 2011! The one of you that brings me the head of St. Tom the Overrated will be my favorite player for the duration of his stay on the Buffalo roster. That is all!

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“Poor drafting, front office. The penalty will be assessed for the next ten years.”

It’s football time, woo-hoo!

From Byzantium's Shores: chronicling the misadventures of an overalls-clad hippie

Yup, the NFL season “begins” today. That’s in quotes because last Thursday night, the Saints and Vikings played the first official game of the season. But nobody takes Thursday night seriously as a football season start. The NFL is about Sunday. And maybe Monday night. Not Thursday.

So, it’s time to watch the Buffalo Bills lace ’em up and take the field at Ralph Wilson Stadium (and once at Ye Former Skydome in Toronto) in their eternal quest to win the Super Bowl make the playoffs look respectable not suck as much as some other teams. Bills fans have had a sorry time of it for ten years now; generally speaking, we’ve had only the sporadic chance to truly utter a genuine Woo-hoo! over our football team. More often — and by a factor of at least ten — our reaction to watching football in Buffalo has been like this:

From Byzantium's Shores: chronicling the misadventures of an overalls-clad hippie

No matter how much the start of the last ten Bills seasons has felt like this…

Somehow, at the end of the year, it always ends up feeling like this…

From Byzantium's Shores: chronicling the misadventures of an overalls-clad hippie

…and not in a good way, either.

How then is this season likely to turn out? Well, as I’m a sci-fi geek, let me make a sci-fi geek reference.

One of my favorite episodes of Firefly — well, the show only had a dozen or so episodes, so they’re all my favorites, but never mind on that — has Captain Reynolds and pilot Wash getting kidnapped by a bad guy they stiffed out of some money in an earlier episode. This guy is torturing them on his own private space station, so the crew of Serenity decides, after recovering Wash from the guy, to mount a commando-type rescue operation to retake their Captain. Problem is, they don’t really know how many guards the bad guy has, or how strong his defenses are, or how good his space station’s scanners are, and so on. They’re going on a lot of guesswork, which leads Serenity muscleman and all-around brute Jayne Cobb to growl, “I smell a whole lotta ‘if’ comin’ off this plan.”

Well, that’s how I see the Buffalo Bills this year. I small a whole lotta ‘if’ comin’ off this team.

I’ve heard a lot of griping and complaining and outright bitching during the offseason about the upcoming season and the roster that’s taking shape, but my view generally is this: the last crew in command (head coach Dick Jauron and former GM Marv Levy) left the roster in a really bad spot, talent-wise. So the new guys have a lot of work to do. It started last year, actually, with what is now looking like a pretty good 2009 draft class (although we’re still waiting on first pick Aaron Maybin to start producing some pass rush, or some tackling, or just being in the general vicinity of the ball). The 2010 draft class, managed by new GM Buddy Nix and new head coach Chan Gailey, looks promising, but…well, that’s part of the ‘if’ I’m smellin’ off this team.

What it boils down to is simply this: for the Bills to have a good 2010 season, they need to hit on just about every rookie or second-year guy who is on the roster, and they need to hit on those guys pretty spectacularly. They need their two second-year guards, drafted last year, to continue to improve after looking pretty good last year. They need a flock of young receivers to demonstrate ability to get open, catch the ball, and produce yardage. They need a flock of young linebackers and inexperienced linebackers to produce (one of their starting linebackers is a converted defensive end). They need someone to become a good tight end. They need their defensive line to show some stoutness. They need Trent Edwards to finally take a step forward at quarterback. And most desperately, they need the tackles on the offensive line to not suck.

That, folks, is a lot to hope for from a young team. It’s probably too much to hope for, which is why I’m mentally penciling the Bills in for a season that will look pretty bad, if all you focus on is the won-lost record.

Now, that’s not all I focus on, and frankly, my mantra is the same as it’s been for quite a few years now with this team: I don’t mind if their record is crappy at the end, as long as I’m seeing young players making plays at times and showing improvement as the season goes on and basically as long as I’m seeing some evidence that this group of guys can grow into a pretty good team another year or two down the line. That certainly hasn’t been the case in recent Bills seasons, when at the end, I’m always thinking, “Yay, they stunk again and their young players still aren’t producing”. I don’t expect the seed to produce a full-sized oak tree this year, but it sure would be nice to see the seed sprouting. Every year it’s the same: “Hey, we got a dud seed. Need a new one for next year.”

Ultimately, I expect the Bills to finish with one of the NFL’s worst records and probably secure a draft spot in the top five. That might be the best thing, actually, for the franchise: squeeze what they can out of the young talent they have right now, and use next year’s improved draft position to plug in more talent. Buddy Nix seems to have the best grasp on players that any Bills front-office guy has shown in years, and I also like his approach thus far to rebuilding the roster. I was fine with his not drafting a quarterback last year (until the 7th round, and that guy didn’t even make the practice squad); if he truly felt that none of the guys available was lighting his fire, then his decision to not try to force one anyway but instead build a better team everywhere else and try again next year was a good one. So who knows; maybe next year we’re watching Jake Locker suit up for the Bills on opening day.

I do think that it will take a miraculous year from Trent Edwards for him to still be here next season. I’m talking big-time numbers here, even if they’re likely to be in a lot of losses because the Bills’ defense right now is pretty soft. If Edwards does anything less than, oh, start 14 games, throw over 20 TDs and under 15 INTs, and have a passer rating of 90 or above, then I don’t want him here next year. It’s that simple. We’ve seen about all we can of him, at this point. He either needs to have a big year, or the Bills need to turn the page when his lackluster year is over.

My “nightmare” scenario is another 7-9 finish, with the Bills again picking in the 11 through 15 spot next year, taking them out of consideration for the top QBs in the draft. That would be bad. But I also think it’s unlikely, because the defense is likely to give up a ton of points. The offense may improve a bit, so to me, the likely scenario is that we’ll have to endure the Bills being on the bummer end of a lot of 38-24 kinds of games. And my prediction for their final record? 4-12. You heard it here…when you heard it here, folks!

As for the rest of the NFL? My predictions, which are always wrong!

AFC

East: New England
North: Baltimore
South: Indianapolis
West: San Diego
Wildcards: NY Jets, Cincinnati

NFC

East: Dallas
North: Green Bay
South: New Orleans
West: San Francisco
Wildcards: Washington, Minnesota

Random notes:

:: I really think this is the year Brett Favre’s age is going to catch up with him, and that after a lackluster season this year (I’m not even sure they’re a lock to make the playoffs), the Vikings will ultimately regret their dalliance with him. I think this is almost certainly his last season, which means that the Vikes will have to go into next year looking for a new QB. And I’m not sure how much longer their current window of opportunity will remain open. Their defense is full of guys who aren’t getting any younger.

:: For the record: I was not upset when the Bills didn’t draft Matt Leinart. I do wish Donte Whitner would start to justify that they picked him instead, though.

:: Ben Roethlisberger is a great quarterback, but he’s also an ass and I have no problem with his suspension on those grounds. I’m not at all sure why his suspension, however, is for a longer duration that Marshawn Lynch’s 2009 suspension, which came after Lynch pleaded guilty to three misdemeanor charges.

:: Every year, some playoff team from the previous year turns out to be surprisingly bad the next. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Jets are that team this year. I’m just not sold on them.

:: The Bills may be lucky in that several of the teams likely to be in their neighborhood as bad teams already have their quarterbacks of the future (for the moment). St Louis and Detroit are likely to be bad (although I think Detroit’s years as a stinkpile team may be nearly over), and they’ve got their guys already. Ditto Carolina, who drafted two quarterback prospects in 2010. The other teams most likely to finish near the top of the draft board and need to find new QBs next year are Tampa Bay and Cleveland.

:: I was confused all off-season by the legions of sportswriters assuming that Terrell Owens was pretty much done, after his worst statistical season of his career in 2009. Did they not see the guys who were throwing him the ball in Buffalo last year? No receiver’s going to put up big numbers with Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Brian Brohm in the pocket for half the season. Owens is in the twilight of his career, certainly, but let’s not be sticking the fork in him quite yet.

:: OK, Super Bowl picks. I won’t pick New England, because (a) they just aren’t as talented as they used to be, (b) I’m unsold on Bill Belichick’s ability to run the offense and the defense, (c) I think Tom Brady is closer to physical decline than a lot of people think (a likelihood that goes up with every playoff run from here on out), and (d) I hate them. Nor will I pick San Diego, because they’ve still got Norv Turner as head coach. (What possessed them to dump Marty Schottenheimer and then go after Norv Turner as their “guy who can win the big one” is beyond me.) Likewise, I won’t pick Dallas because they’ve got Wade Phillips calling the shots. Washington will continue to be a mess, Mike Shanahan notwithstanding. New Orleans looks like they could repeat, but the last time I thought a team had a great chance to repeat (the Bucs in 2003), they ended up stinking up the joint. So that narrows me down to Indianapolis (in what I think may well be Peyton Manning’s last real shot before physical decline starts to rear its ugly head with him, too) and Green Bay.

My Super Bowl prediction: the Colts beat the Packers.

And remember, folks: now that I’m on record as having predicted all of these things, none of them will actually happen! Hooray!

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Ixnay’s Irstfay Aftdray

So this weekend saw the Buffalo Bills run their first Draft of the Buddy Nix era. Buddy Nix is the new GM that the Bills hired earlier in the offseason after an extensive search (a day or two) in which the Bills interviewed many (well, one) candidate(s) for the job. Now, in truth, Nix does bring a nice-looking resume to the job, as he’s been in football virtually all of his adult life, he was with the Bills’ organization as a scout during the 90s (when the Bills didn’t suck), went to San Diego for most of this decade (when the Chargers went from usually sucking to being a really good team that probably should have been to at least one of the last few Super Bowls). Last year, Nix was with the team in an advisory role, and the 2009 Draft was actually one of the better ones (and it could become even better, if top pick Aaron Maybin blossoms after a really forgettable rookie season).

So, how did they do this year? Well, parts of it were nice, other parts were head-scratching. Most folks were agreed that the major areas of need this year were quarterback and offensive tackle, and while both areas were addressed, they were addressed via late-round picks after the Bills allowed a number of top prospects at each position to pass by them, in some cases, several times. Two of the top quarterback prospects, Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy, actually dropped to the fourth round, and the Bills had two shots at drafting each. Another top OT prospect, Bryan Bulaga, was available for the Bills in the first round, but they picked a running back.

That was a pretty head-scratching move. Poor play by a revolving door of offensive tackles was a major reason the Bills stunk the place out last season on offense, and a very good player was available for them, but they instead chose a player at a position they didn’t need. By all accounts CJ Spiller, the running back they took, is a very good prospect indeed, and may even give the Bills some star power that they’ve lacked for years (last season’s flirtation with Terrell Owens notwithstanding), but it still left them in need of a tackle. They eventually took two tackles, in the fifth and seventh rounds, and maybe those players will grow into good NFL tackles, but for now, they’re just prospects.

As for quarterback, there were rumors flying all last week that the Bills were working on trades that would allow them to get a second pick in the first round and thus go after Tim Tebow. Now, I didn’t want Tebow at all; for one thing, everyone agrees that his throwing motion is going to require a lot of work before he’ll be an NFL-ready quarterback, and the Bills may not have that kind of time. For another, Tebow is…how to put this…well, he’s a particularly in-your-face, obnoxious kind of evangelical, and he did a commercial for James Dobson’s organization for last year’s Super Bowl. Tebow stood up to be counted with an openly homophobic organization, and I didn’t want him on that basis alone. But anyway, the Bills didn’t get any trade done (in fact, they insisted afterwards that there was never any trade in the works at all), and Tebow was picked by the Denver Broncos. The Bills eventually took a quarterback, Levi Brown, in the seventh round. Nobody at all sees him as a potential Quarterback of the Future for the Bills; he might develop into a serviceable NFL backup.

So the quarterback situation in Buffalo remains almost exactly what it was last year: Trent Edwards, a guy who was once promising but who was completely screwed up by the previous coaching staff; Ryan Fitzpatrick, a guy who will never be anything more than a backup; Brian Brohm, a guy of whom no one has any idea what to think; and Brown, a seventh-round rookie. Ouch. So why are the Bills content to move forward with this quarterback staff?

As I see it, there are two possible thought processes going on in the Bills’ brain trust, and those thought processes aren’t mutually exclusive, either. First, they may think that Trent Edwards can be salvaged. He’s only entering his fourth year in the league, and he showed a lot of promise in his first season and a chunk of his second, before the last coaching staff pretty much started undermining his confidence, installing incredibly vanilla offensive schemes, and playing havoc with an offensive line that was already not very good to begin with. Edwards’s football head is totally screwed up right now, but maybe the new coaches (led by head man Chan Gailey) figure they can put Edwards’s pieces back together again and discover the potential that everyone thought was there to begin with.

On the other hand, Buddy Nix and the Bills’ scouting department may have simply not been terribly impressed with this year’s crop of quarterback prospects and elected to focus instead on building elsewhere, under the assumption that if Edwards doesn’t emerge in 2010, the Bills can pick a new quarterback in the 2011 class (which I’ve read should be a better, and deeper, quarterback class anyway). The upside there will be that if the new offensive linemen — the two guards taken last year and the two tackles taken this year — come together to form a good line, and if the Spiller develops nicely into a fine offensive weapon, and if the Bills finally put together a decent receiving corps (they drafted a promising receiver this year in the fourth round), maybe a rookie quarterback stepping in next year won’t be stepping into nearly as iffy a situation as a rookie would this year.

I think that may be the scenario after all: build the best team we can through the draft, and see if Edwards can play with that team. Otherwise, next year, put an even better team around our new rookie and see what happens. We’ll see.

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Winning the toss

I see that the NFL has voted to change its overtime rules for playoff games. Why they decided to do this for the playoffs only is beyond me, but it’s a step in the right direction. Basically, if the team that receives the ball first scores a touchdown on its possession, they win. If they only score a field goal, then the other team gets a possession to attempt to tie or win the game. If the score is tied after those two possession (i.e., both teams get field goals) then we revert to sudden death.

This is almost indistinguishable from my old notion for repairing OT, which I first proposed in this space more than seven years ago: The first team to possess the lead after each team has completed one possession wins the game. That’s a simple way to say things. Team one scores a field goal, team two get a TD? Team two wins. Both teams get a field goal? Next score wins. Neither team scores on the first two possessions? Next score wins. And for some craziness: Team One fumbles the ball, and Team Two’s defense returns it for a touchdown? Guess what: Both teams have had possession, and Team Two has the lead. Game over, Team Two wins.

Of course, there’s that pesky annoying third way to score: the safety. As continues to be my belief, points should not be awarded for a safety. I hate points for a safety, because it seems to me that scoring should be based on one thing. After all, there’s only one way to score a run in baseball: a runner must cross home plate. In hockey, to score a goal, the puck must go into the net. In basketball, to score points, the ball must go through the basket. Period. And aside from the safety, in football, to score points you must possess the ball. Awarding points for a safety feels to me like changing baseball so that if the pitching team turns a triple play, they’re awarded a run. (My ideal safety would simply be this: the team recording the safety automatically takes possession at the 45-yard line of the team that gave up the safety. No two points, no free kick — just an automatic end of possession resulting in pretty bad field position.)

According to one article I read, under the new OT rules, a safety at any point in OT wins the game, which I suppose would be accurate. But winning in OT by two points by safety would just seem awfully lame.

So the NFL is moving toward my position. Yay! Now, is it draft day yet?

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Super Thoughts!

Well, the thoughts probably aren’t all that super, but the game was called Super, even if it wasn’t all that super. Or something. Random thoughts on the Super Bowl:

:: I was rooting for the Colts, but not really rooting against the Saints — it was one of those games where I wanted one team to win but wasn’t bothered much that they didn’t. It is always nice to see teams that have historically sucked finally manage to put their shit together and win the Super Bowl.

:: Note to Buffalo Bills: see? See?! Teams that have historically sucked — even if for only ten years and not, well, forever, like the Saints did — actually can manage to put their shit together and win the Super Bowl!

:: A Super Bowl ring doesn’t make Gregg Williams less of an irritating ass. I predict he’ll fall flat again once he gets another crack at head coaching.

:: Jim Nance and Phil Simms were kind of annoying, I thought. And hey, Mr. Nance? Just because Phil Simms has two Super Bowl rings doesn’t mean that he won two Super Bowls.

:: Bill Cowher, before the game: “Nobody ever remembers who lost the Super Bowl.” Oh. Well, I suppose that explains the quizzical looks I get when I tell people from Albuquerque that I’m a Bills fan.

:: I’m always amused by the Ritual Presentation of the Super Special Coin, the one they use for the opening coin toss. The head ref says something like “Gentlemen, I have here the special coin we are using. This side, featuring a portrait of Vince Lombardi in a gladiator’s costume, is heads, while this side, featuring a picture of Joe Namath kissing Suzy Kolbert is tails.” I think it would be funny if the ref pulled out, say, a Nevada quarter: “Gentlemen, we’ll be flipping this Nevada quarter. This picture of some old dead white guy is heads, and on the other side? See the horsies? That’s tails!”

:: More NFL pageantry goofiness: the Ritual Presentation of the Vince Lombardi Trophy, where some Elder Statesman of the Game walks the trophy across the field to the big stage where they’re going to award it. That’s bad enough, but what makes the whole thing so laughable is the pseudo-majestic fanfare they blast over the stadium speakers as the trophy is carried out. Hey, NFL, you’re not placing the crown on the head of the new King of Gondor. It’s a trophy.

:: OK, the game itself was…well, look, it had a result that everyone loved and it wasn’t a blowout. But I gotta be honest: the game was boring. Really, it was just dullsville. For two weeks all we heard was that the Super Bowl might be the greatest offensive explosion in football history…and all we get is a standard 31-17 game in which the two biggest plays were a surprise onside kick and an interception return for a touchdown? No great offensive heroics, no big offensive plays — just a whole lot of dink-and-dunk, a ten-yard completion here, a twelve-yard completion there, ho hum, lather rinse repeat.

:: Super Bowl narratives I’m glad I don’t have to hear anymore: “Peyton Manning must win this game if he’s to be known as the greatest quarterback EVER!” and “The Saints deserve to win this game because of Hurricane Katrina!” Look: quarterback greatness isn’t necessarily determined by the number of rings he has, and as nice as the Saints’ win is, it doesn’t rebuild anything in New Orleans. It’s a football game.

:: I’m long on record as not really caring about Super Bowl commercials, so as usual I didn’t see a lot of them because I simply wasn’t paying attention. I suppose the best was the Google one, which I watched online this morning. A couple of the Doritos ones made me laugh. None of the movie trailers looked interesting (Robin Hood maybe, but the trailer made it look like what it probably is — a grim and violent medieval epic by Ridley Scott). And aren’t we about done with the various farm animals who bond with or somehow want to be around the Budweiser Clydesdales? Can’t they find a new way to feature those horses? I say they go for high weirdness next year. I wanna see the Budweiser Clydesdales have a precious and twee relationship with a giant squid! How cool would that be!

And maybe this is curmudgeonly of me, but I just can’t count myself among the apparent masses in this country who think things are automatically awesome if Betty White is somehow involved. Betty White getting tackled into the mud did nothing for me. Abe Vigoda, on the other hand — that’s comedy gold!

:: God in Heaven, the halftime show was painful. I like the Who as much as anyone, but Ye Gods, this was just awful.

:: During pregame, they had Queen Latifah sing America the Beautiful immediately before Carrie Underwood sang The Star-Spangled Banner. Underwood’s performance wasn’t that great, but Latifah’s was very nice, and it reinforced my belief that America the Beautiful should really be our anthem.

:: I read a little while ago that Peyton Manning exited the field immediately after the Colts’ last possession ended, even though it then fell to New Orleans to run out the clock. So Manning is the newest entry in the “losers skipping the handshakes after the game” thing that’s becoming more and more common. Peyton, it was jerky for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick to do it when you beat them four years ago, and it was jerky for you to do it when you lost yesterday. When you lose, man up and shake the hand of them that beat you. You did it in fourth grade peewee football, I’m sure you can handle it now.

:: I saw the Tim Tebow ad, and I note that today, everybody’s saying “Awww, shucks! It was a nice ad!” Sure, I suppose, given that it was designed to give a nice happy sheen to a grouped that’s anti-gay and in favor of forced pregnancy. And the question still remains as to why CBS would air their ad, but insist that they don’t do issue ads when the position being taken in the ad is a liberal one.

That’s about it. Another NFL season in the books. Next up, the Draft. Wheeeee!

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Super Bowl Questions

UPDATE 2-7-10: You know, I was thinking about doing some research and creating a nice long Super Bowl trivia quiz this year, but I just never got around to doing the research, so I filed the notion away for next year. And now I’m getting a lot of hits from people looking for “Super Bowl Questions”, so I’m definitely doing it next year. These questions probably aren’t what you all are looking for, but thanks for dropping by, folks! Go Colts! (But I won’t be bothered if the Saints win.)

Roger asks some questions regarding the Super Bowl:

Do you watch the Super Bowl? (That’s American football, BTW.) If so, is it for the commercials, the game or the halftime entertainment? Do you have special food for the occasion?

Yes, I watch the Super Bowl. In fact, with one exception, I’ve watched every Super Bowl since I became a football fan in 1988. (That exception was Super Bowl XXIV — 49ers 55, Broncos 10 — because I had something going on that night at college.) I don’t pay attention to the commercials much; I tend to use them for their intended purpose (get more food, refill my glass, go to the bathroom, et cetera). In fact, every year when I hear people talking about their favorite commercials the next day, I’m always a bit clueless until I track them down online.

In terms of food, I just tend to get a bit of snack stuff, like chips and dip, if we’re at home. Over the years we’ve been to a couple of Super Bowl parties at other people’s homes. Lots of food is usually nice, but I prefer to be in the comfort of my own home.

And speaking of halftime, don’t you find it interesting that it is The Who performing when the game is on CBS, since The Who provide the theme songs for all those CSI shows on CBS, such as CSI: Las Vegas, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, CSI: Kalamazoo, and CSI: Portland (both the Oregon AND the Maine shows).

Yeah, that occurred to me this past week. I’m hoping that since the game’s in Miami, the halftime show starts with David Caruso on stage, saying something goofy in that oddball delivery of his, and putting on his sunglasses as The Who smashes into “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

By the way, I didn’t know that The Who was even doing this year’s halftime festivities until just last Monday, when I said to my main football-discussing friends at work, “Hey, who’s doing the halftime show this year?” And he said, “Yes.” Luckily I thought over his answer for ten seconds and realized what was going on, before we launched into some weird Abbott-and-Costello routine. (“So at haltime, Dan Marino and Shannon Sharpe talk about the first half and then they kick the attention over to who?” “Yes!”)

If you don’t watch the game, do you have a ritual for that? I had friends who always went to the movies on Super Bowl Sunday.

I watch the game. Sometimes I watch a movie earlier in the day.

And those of you outside the United States: can you even access the Suoer Bowl?

Obviously this is not applicable to me.

Do you know how to write 44 in Roman numerals?

XLIV. I think the Roman numerals thing is starting to look goofier each year — we’re six years out from the Super Bowl logo being a giant L. I think it would be funny if, when that year comes, the logo is simply a big cursive L like the one Laverne used to wear on all her sweaters on Laverne and Shirley. It would be funny to see all these big, hulking football players in the Super Bowl sporting nice, pretty, loopy, feminine L‘s on their jerseys.

Do you have a rooting interest?

I’m rooting for the Colts, but a Saints win wouldn’t bother me much at all, except that we’d then have to hear a lot of crap about Peyton Manning being a choker and Gregg Williams’s head would get bigger, and I’m sure the Super Dome has a hard time containing that guy’s noggin already.

What do think of the Pro Bowl, the All-star game of the NFL, being played the week before the Super Bowl (i.e., today), instead of the week after?

The Pro Bowl sucks no matter when they play it. It just sucks. It’s lame and boring and I never watch it because it’s lame and boring. Plus, I don’t like that lots of guys go because the guys actually voted to the thing don’t, so you end up with something like half the league being called “Pro Bowlers”. On the Bills, Marshawn Lynch is a “Pro Bowler”, even though the only reason he got to be in the game a year ago is because a bunch of running backs ahead of him didn’t play. Only the guys actually voted onto the roster should get to be called “Pro Bowlers”, and frankly, if they just did away with the game and treated being voted a Pro Bowler as baseball does being awarded a Golden Glove, I’d be fine with it.

So yeah, I don’t really care when they play the Pro Bowl. I do think that the NFL’s rigid adherence to rules, thus requiring the Colts and Saints players to be in attendance even if they don’t play — resulting in them literally having to fly back to Indianapolis and New Orleans respectively and then turn right back around to return to Miami, since by another NFL rule, all Super Bowl players must travel with their teams together — is just colossal idiocy.

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Drew versus Peyton

I was right! And my final score picks were in the neighborhood, surprisingly enough. Huzzah!

I’m probably going to be rooting for the Colts, although a Saints win won’t bother me all that much if it happens. My general inclination is to pick the Colts on the basis of experience and the fact that the Saints combine awesome offense with a bend-but-don’t-break style of defense, which isn’t a combination that tends to serve teams well in the Super Bowl. (Just ask the Buffalo Bills.)

I didn’t watch the AFC Championship Game, figuring it would be the lesser of the two games (watched Attack of the Clones instead), but I watched most of the NFC Championship. For all the usual worship of Brett Favre, I thought he looked worse and worse as the game went on, which is usual for aging quarterbacks. His throws looked more and more forced, but even I thought that maybe he’d keep his unshakable faith in his own superhuman status under wraps by the time the Vikings had the ball in field goal range with the twenty seconds on the clock in a tied game. No dice; Favre made a move that is classic Favre, and not just from the NFC title game two years ago, either. He threw a pass that everybody on Planet Earth knew he shouldn’t even consider attempting, and it got intercepted. The Saints forced OT, and then drove for the winning field goal themselves. After the pick, Brett Favre never touched the ball again.

So now, the two weeks until the Super Bowl. Otherwise known as “Yawn Week” in the NFL. Not even the stunt of having the Pro Bowl next weekend can make this week interesting. But maybe we can get an early jump on the 2010 edition of “Will Favre play next year or not!”, which is always wild, whacky fun!

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In which I ensure a Jets-Vikings Super Bowl

My predictions are: Colts 31, Jets 13 and Saints 38, Vikings 24. I’ve been wrong a lot during this year’s playoffs, so I see no reason that should end. I’m conflicted on the Vikings, actually; I’ve always liked the team and a lot of my best friends, dating from my college years, are Vikings fans, so seeing them get a Super Bowl win would be nice. But Brett Favre’s annual offseason antics about whether or not he’s retiring and whether or not he wants to play and blah blah blah have soured me on Favre to the point that I don’t want to see him get another shot at a ring.

In terms of rooting interest in the Super Bowl, I’d love to see the Saints get a win…but I’d also like to see the Colts win it all, if only to shut up the Jason Whitlocks of the world who still insist that Peyton Manning is a choker, even if he’s already got a ring. So maybe Jets-Saints, so I could root for Drew Brees in peace…but I just don’t see the Jets winning today. Mark Sanchez has to remember he’s a rookie sometime, right?

Ach, screw it. I have no idea who’s going to win.

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Now boarding Air Chan flight number 2010….

The Buffalo Bills have finally made their choice for their new head coach. After an exhaustive search that saw the Bills’ officials interview a staggering three candidates for the job, and reject an even larger number of others for reasons only known to Ralph Wilson, the nonagenarian owner of the franchise whose ability to hold a grudge is becoming sufficient to earn him an Honorary Status as an Irishman, the team has at long last settled on Chan Gailey.

Here’s Coach Gailey, on the Georgia Tech sideline:

And here’s another Chan. This is not the guy the Bills hired.

Well, this pic I found (here) doesn’t inspire confidence:

Although the linked article does opine that Gailey is more suited to the NFL than the college game. Interesting….

What do I think about Gailey? Well…it feels like a potentially interesting hire that is unfortunately overshadowed by the white-bread way the Bills went about conducting their job search, which deflates a lot of the potential interest in the guy. So it ends up feeling “Meh”. This is not an exciting hire. Maybe it’s a good one. We’ll see.

One common complaint I’ve heard is that Gailey has never had great success in his previous head coaching jobs, and that since he’s an offensive coach by trade, his hiring is basically the offensive version of Dick Jauron. I think that’s overstating things. Gailey may not have any championships to his name, and his head coaching resume in the NFL is very brief (two years with the Cowboys), but he’s certainly been generally more successful than Dick Jauron ever was. Gailey’s been recommended for jobs by Bill Cowher; Jerry Jones (of all people!) has expressed regret for firing him after just two years; stuff like that.

So ultimately, my reaction to the hiring of Chan Gailey is that it at least has potential to not be disastrous. The real indicator will be the quality of players the new coach and GM bring in next year. Although last year’s draft was generally good (Aaron Maybin notwithstanding, but even he might have benefited from a less-shitty coaching staff that might have thought to try him out at linebacker, given his undersized-for-a-DE status), the two people responsible for most of the personnel moves during the last decade of futility, Tom Modrak and John Guy, are still here. The people who drafted John McCargo and signed Bennie Anderson are still here. That, by far, gives me the most pause.

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