Fixing the Prequels: Attack of the Clones (part seven)

part six
part five
part four
part three
part two
part one

I suppose I should try to make some effort to update this series more often, huh? One entry a month isn’t getting it done. I’m only now approaching the halfway point in Attack of the Clones.

Anyhow, Anakin and Padme have arrived on Naboo, met with the Queen and spent a night with Padme’s family (remember, I restored all of that material to the film). Next we turn our attention back to Obi Wan Kenobi, who is now arriving on the oceanic world of Kamino to investigate the source of the toxic dart. I’m not going to quote all of this from the screenplay, because frankly, there’s virtually nothing from this scene that I would change. It’s one of the best bits in the entire PT. Why? Well, I love the way the mystery unfolds: we’re probably expecting Obi Wan to receive a less-than-enthusiastic welcome, but as soon as gets off his ship, the somewhat elegantly beautiful Kaminoan Taun We greets him with: “We’ve been expecting you. We were beginning to fear you weren’t coming.”

The Kaminoans are, for me, the best aliens in the entire PT, with their long bodies and nearly indistinguishable features; and yet, there is something undeniably feminine about Taun We versus Lama Su, the Prime Minister who gives Obi Wan his tour of the cloning facility. I also love the whole design of the Kamino cloning facility in the first place, with its gleaming white walls and floors and that teardrop-shaped chair that drops down out of the ceiling for Obi Wan to sit in. And I love when the mystery deepens at the mention of Jedi Master Syfo Dyas, who has apparently been dead for ten years. (Right around the Trade Federation blockade and invasion of Naboo, interestingly enough – what Lucas has done here is to subtly indicate that the invasion of Naboo wasn’t the only thing the mysterious Darth Sidious had going on back then.)

So anyway, as Lama Su begins to show Obi Wan around the cloning facility, we return to Naboo as Anakin and Padme arrive at the resort in “the lake country”. Here is where, for most fans, so far as I can tell, the very worst material in the movie resides. I don’t hate it as much as most – hell, I don’t really hate it at all – but the Naboo Lake Country scenes do need some revision. So, for the rest of this post, we’ll be doing that.

In the movie, we see the boat pulling up to the resort. I’d actually start a bit earlier, and actually show the boat moving across the surface of the water:

EXTERIOR: NABOO – LAKE – BOAT.

An elegant-looking speedboat cruises across the surface of a spectacular lake, vast and deep, set amidst very high mountains on all sides. The boat is piloted by a Naboo commoner; sitting in the rear are ANAKIN and PADME. PADME looks very happy to be here; ANAKIN looks very ill-at-ease.

PADME: I think that my soul comes from here. (looks at Anakin) Annie, you look awful. Are you afraid?

ANAKIN: There’s more water in this lake than on my entire planet.

PADME: Your planet has a lot of water. It’s all in the atmosphere or trapped so far underground. If Tatooine were closer to the industrial worlds of the Republic, perhaps–

She trails off, seeing his discomfort.

PADME: You can swim, can’t you?

ANAKIN: Of course I can swim. All Jedi are taught to swim. I just don’t like to.

PADME: We’ll have to see if we can change that!

He looks at her, and she smiles. He looks marginally more happy.

Then, the arrival, and they walk across the veranda to look over the panorama of the lake. This leads us up to what I suspect is the most loathed line of dialogue in Star Wars history:

ANAKIN and PADMÉ stop at the balustrade. PADMÉ looks out across the garden to the shimmering lake and the mountains rising beyond. ANAKIN looks at her.

PADMÉ: When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat. See that island? We used to swim there every day. I love the water.

ANAKIN: I do too. I guess it comes from growing up on a desert planet.

[Obviously I’d leave this out, as it would clash with what Anakin just said on the boat about being uncomfortable around this much water.]

PADMÉ becomes aware that ANAKIN is looking at her.

PADMÉ: …We used to lie on the sand and let the sun dry us… and try to guess the names of the birds singing.

ANAKIN: I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft… and smooth…

He touches her arm. PADMÉ has become receptive to the way he looks at her but is nervous.

Ah, yes: the infamous “I don’t like sand” pickup line. Interestingly, though, we can contrast the movie versus the script. Here he says that here, everything is soft, while in the movie, he addresses Padme: “Not like you. You’re everything soft.” The line is obviously quite a bit less creepy in the original wording.

Now, I’ve never objected to this line, as I’ve indicated in previous posts on this movie. I’ve always seen it for what it is: an attempt by an awkward young adult who is trying, without a great deal of self-confidence, to win over the girl he’s desperately in love with. I simply have never had a problem with the idea of Anakin saying something like this. I’ve always figured that the awkwardness of this line was intentional, because when you really look at this script, it stands out that every single awkward line of dialogue is given to Anakin. He sounds awkward by design.

In the film, when Anakin says “I don’t like sand”, Padme has a very subtle reaction: she shifts, ever so slightly, and her face kind of freezes in the way women tend to freeze up a bit when the guy they’re with has said something that they’re not sure whether to ignore or acknowledge. Lucas might have drawn the contrast a bit more strongly by encouraging a stronger reaction from Natalie Portman, but it’s there anyway. In any event, you know what? I would not cut that line – especially in light of the fact that the line is followed by some material that, in what is emerging as a real pattern with AotC, isn’t in the finished film! According to the script, Padme notes Anakin’s attempts at poetic seduction and continues trying to make conversation:

PADMÉ: There was a very old man who lived on the island. He used to make glass out of sand – and vases and necklaces out of the glass. They were magical.

ANAKIN: (looks into her eyes) Everything here is magical.

PADMÉ: You could look into the glass and see the water. The way it ripples and moves. It looked so real… but it wasn’t.

ANAKIN: Sometimes, when you believe something to be real, it becomes real.

They look into each other’s eyes.

PADMÉ: I used to think if you looked too deeply into glass, you would lose yourself.

ANAKIN: I think it’s true…

ANAKIN kisses PADMÉ. She doesn’t resist. She comes to her senses and pulls away.

PADMÉ: No, I shouldn’t have done that.

ANAKIN: I’m sorry. When I’m around you, my mind is no longer my own.

He looks at her.

The scene would have worked a lot better this way, I think, although I’d cut out the stuff about losing yourself when you look into glass. I’d have had Padme’s voice trail off after “It looks so real…but it wasn’t….” Anakin would hold her eyes, and then draw her in for the kiss.

The kiss itself and the aftermath are actually perfectly done in the movie; I like how she walks away, leaving Anakin to awkwardly apologize and just stand there, wondering what the heck he’s done wrong. Here’s one instance where I wouldn’t follow the script. He certainly wouldn’t say, “When I’m around you my mind is no longer my own.” I’m glad that line didn’t make it into the movie.

After this scene, we cut back to Kamino, for more of Obi Wan’s tour of the cloning facility. Still nothing for me to say, since I like this sequence a lot too, although here we have something of a difficulty that also afflicts The Empire Strikes Back: events on two different worlds are intercut, seeming to imply that they’re happening simultaneously, but the stuff happening to one character or set of characters seems to imply a longer period of time than the stuff being depicted at the same time happening to the other character(s). In TESB, logic would suggest that Luke has to be on Dagobah for quite a while, right? Maybe even a few months? But it doesn’t really seem that Han, Leia, Chewie and C-3PO spend that same amount of time stuck on board the Millennium Falcon trying to fix the ship. But we know that they do, right? They have to, in order for everything to work out right.

Here, the same kind of thing happens. The stuff with Padme and Anakin at the lake house doesn’t seem to take a single afternoon; rather, a few days at the least. But Obi Wan’s exploration of Kamino doesn’t seem to take days at all, does it? But maybe it does. Anyway, the investigation on Kamino continues, with Obi Wan learning interesting things about the cloning process itself (such as the fact that the development process is accelerated), and about the clones themselves (that the seed person for all this cloning is a bounty hunter named Jango Fett). We also learn that Fett wanted a son, a clone of himself who isn’t accelerated; thus we learn the origin of Boba Fett. He’s a stormtrooper who never became a stormtrooper. I actually like this, although it would have been nice to learn a bit more about Jango himself: what made him the ideal person on whom to base an entire army of clones? What qualities does he bring? Something like this:

OBI WAN: Why was a bounty hunter used as the basis for an army?

LAMA SU: We conducted a great deal of testing on a number of suspects over several years before beginning the cloning process, I can assure you. Jango Fett’s testing was the best we found. He is extremely skillful with arms of all sorts, as well as a superlative pilot. He is also single-minded in pursuit of a job he has been appointed to do. What he does not have is an inquisitive nature; he does not seek to understand why he is asked to do the things his employers request of him. These traits make him an ideal soldier, wouldn’t you say?

OBI WAN: I suppose. I should very much like to meet Jango Fett.

LAMA SU: We shall arrange it.

In the script, it is mentioned that the Kaminoans thought a Jedi would be the logical choice for a clone army, but Jango Fett was hand-picked by Master Syfo-dyas. I don’t remember if that line made it into the film, but it’s an interesting facet of what’s going on: clearly someone was acting as Syfo-dyas after Syfo-dyas was killed.

There’s a bit more talk of clones, and then Obi Wan looks on the finished article: platoons of clone troopers boarding ships. It’s a nice culmination to the scene, and what’s all the better is that we don’t know what’s going on with these clones. Who are they going to be attacking? What side will they be on, if anyone’s? What is going on here? John Williams does something interesting with the music here, in scoring the shots of the clone army with the same theme he had used in TPM to underscore the droid armies. Who is the enemy here, and why?

We then cut back to Naboo. Anakin and Padme are having a picnic and talking politics. I’m not sure what the general consensus on this scene is, but I’ve always liked it. Here’s how it goes:

EXTERIOR: NABOO, MOUNTAIN MEADOW – LATE AFTERNOON

PADMÉ and ANAKIN are in the middle of an idyllic hilly meadow, its lush grasses sprinkled with flowers. At a distance, a herd of SHAAKS graze contentedly. Beyond is the shimmering expanse of the lake. Several other lakes stretch to the horizon. The warm air is full of little floating puffballs. They sit on the grass, in a playful, coy mood, talking. PADMÉ is picking flowers.

PADMÉ: I don’t know…

ANAKIN: Sure you do… you just don’t want to tell me.

PADMÉ: Are you going to use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?

ANAKIN: They only work on the weak-minded. You are anything but weak- minded.

PADMÉ: All right… I was twelve. His name was Palo. We were both in the Legislative Youth Program. He was a few years older then I… very cute… dark curly hair… dreamy eyes.

ANAKIN: All right, I get the picture… whatever happened to him?

PADMÉ: I went into public service. He went on to become an artist.

ANAKIN: Maybe he was the smart one.

PADMÉ: You really don’t like politicians, do you?

ANAKIN: I like two or three, but I’m not really sure about one of them. (smiling) I don’t think the system works.

PADMÉ: How would you have it work?

ANAKIN: We need a system where the politicians sit down and discuss the problem, agree what’s in the best interests of all the people, and then do it.

PADMÉ: That is exactly what we do. The trouble is that people don’t always agree. In fact, they hardly ever do.

ANAKIN: Then they should be made to.

PADMÉ: By whom? Who’s going to make them?

ANAKIN: I don’t know. Someone.

PADMÉ: You?

ANAKIN: Of course not me.

PADMÉ: But someone.

ANAKIN: Someone wise.

PADMÉ: That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.

A mischievous little grin creeps across his face.

ANAKIN: Well, if it works…

PADMÉ stares at ANAKIN. He looks back at her, straight faced, but can’t hold back a smile.

PADMÉ: You’re making fun of me!

ANAKIN: (sarcastic) Oh no, I’d be much too frightened to tease a Senator.

PADMÉ: You’re so bad!

PADMÉ picks up a piece of fruit and throws it at him. He catches it. PADMÉ throws two more pieces of fruit, and ANAKIN catches them.

ANAKIN: You’re always so serious.

PADMÉ: I’m so serious?!

ANAKIN then starts to juggle the fruit. PADMÉ laughs and throws more fruit at him. He manages to juggle them too until there are too many, and he loses control and ducks, letting food fall on his head. They both laugh.

ANAKIN stands in front of a SHAAK, yelling at it and waving his arms. PADMÉ starts laughing as ANAKIN runs in circles, chased by the SHAAK.

I’m glad this last bit didn’t appear in the movie. It just reads silly, doesn’t it? Instead we cut to the two of them frolicking in the meadow, with Anakin showing off by trying to ride some kind of large beastie that looks like a six-legged cow with a wildly distended arse. He falls down and appears to be trampled, but he fakes unconsciousness until a scared Padme rushes to his side. I like this little bit as well, and the only change I’d make would be to make the cow-beasties look a little less ridiculous. All I could think, first time I saw the movie, was, “How can that thing’s tiny little legs hold up that gigantic arse?”

But the thing is, I like all of these scenes, really; especially the scene with Anakin and Padme chatting in the grass. Sure, they’re talking politics, but what else are they going to talk about? That’s what Padme’s all about, really, and it’s important that we hear her talking about herself at some point (especially with the earlier scenes in her family’s home cut from the movie). I like how the scene establishes Padme as intelligent and quick to disagree when she sees fit; I also like how it shows Anakin starting to regain some confidence around her, even to the point of grinning bashfully when she realizes he’s teasing her. (Kind of, anyway.) I consider this another entry in the surprisingly long list of well-done character scenes in the Prequels, considering that the general wisdom is that George Lucas can’t direct actors to save his life. If anything, this scene is worthy because we get to see this smile from Padme:

And right after that, we’re back to Kamino, where we have one of my favorite scenes in any Star Wars movie: Obi Wan’s meeting with Jango Fett.

EXTERIOR: TIPOCA CITY (RAINSTORM) – DAY

Rain lashes the city. Below, mighty waves pound the stilts, breaking almost to the height of the platforms. A large AVIAN carrying a RAIN-SOAKED RIDER flies above the water toward a floating city.

INTERIOR: TIPOCA CITY, CORRIDOR – DAY

TAUN WE and OBI-WAN stand in front of the door of Jango Fett’s apartment. TAUN WE waves his hand, and a muted bell RINGS. As they wait, OBI-WAN notes the door lock entry mechanism. Then the door opens, and a ten-year-old boy, BOBA FETT, looks at them. He is identical to the boys in the classroom.

TAUN WE: Boba, is your father here?

There is a brief pause.

BOBA FETT: Yep.

TAUN WE: May we see him?

BOBA FETT: Sure.

Another brief pause, then BOBA FETT steps aside, and TAUN WE and OBI-WAN go through.

INTERIOR: TIPOCA CITY, FETT APARTMENT – DAY

OBI-WAN, TAUN WE, and BOBA FETT enter the apartment. OBI WAN looks around the room.

BOBA FETT: Dad! Taun We’s here!

JANGO FETT comes in from the bedroom. He wears a jumpsuit. He is unshaven and mean looking, his face pitted with scars of old wounds. There are a couple of weird tattoos on his muscular forearms. He eyes OBI-WAN with suspicion.

TAUN WE: Jango, welcome back. Was your trip productive?

JANGO FETT: Fairly.

OBI-WAN and JANGO FETT size each other up. BOBA FETT studies both of them.

TAUN WE: This is Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. He’s come tocheck on our progress.

JANGO FETT: That right?

JANGO FETT’S eyes fix OBI-WAN coldly.

OBI-WAN: Your clones are very impressive. You must be veryproud.

JANGO FETT: I’m just a simple man, trying to make my way in the universe, Master Jedi.

OBI-WAN: Aren’t we all?

OBI-WAN eyes the half-open bedroom door, through which a couple of pieces of body armor can be seen on the floor. JANGO FETT registers OBI-WAN’S look. He moves in front of him, blocking the view.

OBI-WAN: Ever make your way as far into the interior as Coruscant?

JANGO FETT: Once or twice.

OBI-WAN: Recently?

JANGO FETT: (eyes Obi-Wan carefully) Possibly…

OBI-WAN: Then you must know Master Sifo-Dyas?

JANGO FETT: (in Huttese) Boba, close the door.

BOBA FETT moves to close the bedroom door. JANGO FETT smiles thinly at OBI-WAN.

JANGO FETT: Master who?

OBI-WAN: Sifo-Dyas. Is he not the Jedi who hired you for this job?

JANGO FETT: Never heard of him.

OBI-WAN: Really.

JANGO FETT: I was recruited by a man called Darth Tyranus on one of the moons of Bogden.

OBI-WAN: No? I thought…

TAUN WE: Sifo-Dyas told us to expect him. And he showed up just when your Jedi Master said he would. We have kept the Jedi’s involvement a secret until your arrival, just as your Master requested.

OBI-WAN: Curious…

JANGO FETT: Do you like your army?

OBI-WAN: I look forward to seeing them in action.

JANGO FETT: (grinning) They’ll do their job well, I’ll guarantee that.

OBI-WAN: Thanks for your time, Jango.

JANGO FETT: Always a pleasure to meet a Jedi.

OBI-WAN and TAUN WE go out. The door slides closed. JANGO FETT turns to his son. He is deep in thought.

BOBA FETT: What is it, Dad?

JANGO FETT: Pack your things. We’re leaving.

As I noted, one of my favorite scenes in the entire Star Wars saga. It’s very well acted, between Ewan McGregor and Temuera Morrison, and there’s real tension there as Obi Wan is realizing that something is very amiss here, even if he can’t tell exactly what. I also like the chemistry between Morrison and the kid who plays young Boba Fett; they have a comfort level with each other that nicely conveys father-and-son.

After that scene, we cut back to Naboo for some more of Anakin and Padme, passing the time. We’ll do that next time, though, because we’re coming up on what I consider to be the most damaging scene in the entire PT, as far as Anakin’s relationship with Padme goes, and I want to devote some time to discussing it and proposing my fix. So that’s where we’ll start next time. Tune in!

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Sentential Links #172

Linkage for the weary:

:: Look, it’s not racist to oppose a Latina judicial nominee, or to oppose affirmative action, or to point out genuine evidence of ethnic bias on the part of minorities. What we’re seeing here, though, is people clinging to the belief that Sotomayor has to be some mediocrity who struck the ethnic jackpot, that whatever benefit she got from affirmative action must be vastly more significant than her own qualities, that she’s got to be a harpy boiling with hatred for whitey, however overwhelming the evidence against all these propositions is. This is really profoundly ugly.

:: Libertarians actually have an entree into the debate. But because they generally act like jerks, freaks, or both, their ideas are generally rejected by the people. (Alan decided to poke some Libertarians with a stick, which is always a fun thing to do. I especially love how Libertarians think that the way to convince people to support them is to start lecturing on how our problems today are all Woodrow Wilson’s fault, because when someone’s struggling to keep a job, find a job, make a mortgage payment, or get health care, they’re really keenly interested in learning how everything is the blame of the guy who was in charge a hundred years ago.)

:: This a website promoting hitchhiking. (Wow, I thought hitchhiking was gone. I haven’t seen a hitchhiker in years. Decades, perhaps. “Cool Tools” is a nifty blog, by the way.)

:: What a computer would need to compete in Diplomacy is the ability to read human beings’ intentions (which is no doubt coming) and the ability to mimic human behavior by convincingly lying its ass off, which one hopes is a little further down the road.

:: Not only is the car a mistake, but the Renaissance notion of tidy, regular street geometry is an error. The use of paper to plan cities, which also originates in the Renaissance, is also an error. The notion that architecture is an art form, not a craft, is another crucial error in thought about urban design.

:: Thank heavens aliens and their flying saucers are so thoughtful! As reported by Fox news — yeah, imagine that — a Russian scientist claims that an alien spaceship crashed into an incoming asteroid in 1908 to save the Earth.

:: One can be an environmentalist and a humanist. The key is to make this planet habitable, sustainable and humane. It is this last crucial point that the Gainists and deep ecologists have failed to grasp, and in so doing, have come to represent a dangerous and misguided ideology.

:: It hurts me to read that. No. It’s not hurt. It’s fear. I don’t want to go back there.

But I do want to write about it.

I want to write about so much.

Nothing is wrong. Everything is going according to plan. I just can’t see the end. The conundrum of the writer. Neither could Fitzgerald. But he wrote it all down anyway.

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Unidentified Earth #69

We’re getting quite the backlog here, all of a sudden: no guesses on UI’s 66 or 67, and 68 is still unidentified after one guess. Wow! If you worked at UI 66 during the 1960s and early 1970s, the names of Greek gods would have figured in a lot of your conversations. (To be fair, I don’t actually know what the item pictured in UI 66 is, so just nailing the location is fine.) If you live around UI 67, you’d best keep your prized hotrod car locked up lest some young tyro do something stupid with it. And when visiting UI 68, you may discover that your words are worth a lot. OK? (Wow, these are some lame hints.)

Now for the new puzzler:

Where are we? Rot-13 your guesses, please!

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On Romance and the Teevee

Lance Mannion wonders:

The rule is that on just about any TV series these days, whatever the genre, no matter if it’s a comedy or a drama, every unattached main character must at some point become attached. There must be a love interest.

If that love interest can be another member of the cast, so much the better. It saves on salaries. You don’t have to hire two new actors. The writers are spared the trouble thinking up two new characters who must be likable, a requirement that makes it highly probable that they won’t be in the least—they’ll be “likable.”

Don’t worry if the characters pairing up are unsuited for each other. Don’t worry if there’s no chemistry between the actors playing the newly coupled couple. Don’t even worry if there’s another character one of the lovers would be a better match for. Apparently audiences need to be assured that their favorites aren’t sleeping alone.

Love is always a good thing. Hence, the rule.

…

When did this rule kick in anyway? It wasn’t in effect when I was a kid. There was no rule that regular characters had to pair off like swans and turtle doves. None of my favorite shows had a love interest. Captain Kirk didn’t have a love interest. Jim Rockford didn’t have a love interest. Hawkeye Pierce didn’t have a love interest. They had love interests, plural. Even into the ‘Eighties, main characters on TV shows were unabashedly and cheerfully serially monagomous. MacGyver didn’t have a love interest. Magnum didn’t have one.

When the writers felt like writing a mushy story they invented a character that a guest star was brought in to play for one or at most two episodes before she or he got killed, betrayed the hero or heroine, or decided for the hero or heroine’s own good that they had to part forever.

That’s how they handled in on the Ponderosa. How many wives did the Cartwright boys go through. Little Joe alone filled whole cemeteries with the women he loved and lost to illness, bullets, or an Indian’s arrow. That was the Bonanza Way and if it was good enough for Ben, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe, it’s good enough for Shawn Spencer…

In his comments, I noted:

Two thoughts on “Why romance”: first, it’s probably a logical outcome of shows observing that they have internal continuity; most shows nowadays, if not actually being serialistic in nature, will at least structure things so that characters grow over time, and previous exploits/adventures/cases/whatever can be reference on occasion. Thus, a viewer who tunes into a sporadic episode of, say, CSI can follow along, while a viewer who is a big fan and never misses an episode is kept going by whatever serialistic storylines the show has going on. Second, the focus on romance could come from the media’s ongoing obsession with demographics. Maybe they just figure that romances that don’t always end with a death or a plane ticket at the end of the hour will keep the women tuning in more often?

I’m going to flesh out my comments here a bit, though. First, in re-reading Lance’s post, I see that he says that Magnum didn’t have a love interest. He’s referring, of course, to Thomas Sullivan Magnum, played ably by Tom Selleck. And Lance isn’t quite right here. Magnum did have a love interest: his ex-wife Michelle, who turned up several times through the show’s run. Early on in the series, we learn that Magnum married Michelle in Vietnam, and she was killed in a hospital bombing shortly thereafter. But then, in one of my favorite episodes of the show’s run, he learns that she’s not dead, but for various reasons he has to let her go, because she faked her death and married another. She comes back a few years later, figuring in the almost-series finale in which Magnum “died”, and then she returned the next season only to be murdered for real this time. OK, the particulars aren’t necessary, but what matters is that Magnum did have a love interest.

But I think what Lance is getting at is the series regular kind of love interest. Michelle wasn’t there every week, on Magnum PI. That’s probably a good thing, though; by keeping her appearances infrequent, it reinforced the notion that whomever else may come, Michelle was the love of Magnum’s life (and, after her death, their daughter Lily). And each time Michelle showed up, enough information was given in the episodes’ expositions that casual viewers who didn’t watch every episode could figure out who she was. So when did we make the transition from “one love per episode” to “sustained lovers” on teevee shows?

Well, I’m not entirely sure, to be honest, but I suspect the change was fairly gradual. Lance also mentions Captain Kirk’s girlfriend-of-the-week. (Of course, few of those could actually be considered “loves”.) The movies would postulate that Carol Marcus was the real love of his life, of course; or rather, the second love of his life, after the Enterprise. But regular loves started showing up in sitcoms in the 1970s, right? I don’t remember Richie Cunningham’s beloved girlfriend being an official regular, but she was there quite a lot, right up until he married her. And then Fonzie himself got married. Laverne and Shirley had that Carmine guy. Part of these quasi-regular love interests were probably put there for realism’s sake — after all, how could they explain a high school kid in the 50s having a different girlfriend every week? That would have made no sense. And eventually the show went on long enough that having Fonzie constantly toting another name from his little black book around stopped working, so they came up with something new. (Didn’t save the show, of course. It was gone pretty soon thereafter.)

With the arrival of Cheers, we saw the beginning of the extended sitcom romance, didn’t we? Sam and Diane meet in the first episode, and flirt a while. They’re on-again, off-again. Diane goes away and gets engaged to someone else (enter Frasier Crane). She dumps Frasier, back with Sam, and so on. Why did this happen? Well, right around the time Cheers was starting up, the grand prime-time soaps of the 80s were gathering steam: Dallas was huge, Dynasty and Knots Landing were rising. And before those, there was Little House on the Prairie, which had quite a lot of serialistic content itself. Even if that show didn’t rely on season-long storyarcs the way the soaps did, they still had actual events that took place and had reverberations for a long time to come: Laura meeting Almanzo, the Ingallses adopting Albert, Mary starting that school for the blind, et cetera.

The change came on gradually, but I think the early 80s is really when episodic teevee started to reflect the notion that characters aren’t just going to stay static forever; they get older and their lives move on. Surely the rigidly episodic nature of teevee shows occurred to people even during the 50s and 60s, didn’t it? Did anyone ever wonder, a la the kids in Stand By Me, how come the Wagon Train never got anywhere?

Ultimately, I think Lance’s “rule” that shows must always have a love interest is there pretty much because romance draws in the viewers, for the most part. Or it keeps them. And anyway, not every show has a love interest for the hero, does it? Jack Bauer hasn’t had a steady one. (Renee Walker might be that, or she might not. This past season had some sexual tension between them, obviously, but nothing happened that went anywhere.) Earl on My Name is Earl didn’t have one. I’m not as up on the show, but I don’t think that House has one (unless you figure that he’s bound to end up with Cuddy, but that’s not the same as a constant love interest). Grissom had one on CSI, but that was on-again, off-again; I’m not sure that Mack Taylor or Horatio Caine have regular love interests on NY and Miami. (Mack’s wife was killed on 9-11-01; Caine is in love, I think, with the cop who married his brother.)

In general, though, I think that Lance’s rule stems from a general shift to a more serialized way of watching teevee. Law and Order excepted, there just aren’t that many shows consisting of self-contained episodes anymore.

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Sunday Burst of Weirdness

Oddities abound!

:: I can’t help but start laughing whenever I hear the theme song to Benny Hill. Not sure what that is, since I’m not generally a huge fan of Benny Hill to begin with, but wow, that tune just hits my funny bone, for some reason.

That said, this use of it is blasphemous, I say. Blasphemous!

:: Star Trek fans who were around in the 1970s may remember a really bad series of Trek comic books from Gold Key Comics. These were really bad. As in, awful. Their awfulness has become something of a legend in the annals of comic book adaptations…but I didn’t know, until I read this SFSite article, that there was a similar thing going on in Britain, with some other company doing awful versions of Trek comics, with hilarious results that came from the creators not even having seen the show before they started putting their comics out there. Check out this panel, full of jaw-dropping bad-Trek hilarity:

So many errors! The Enterprise landing on a planet! The landing party led by Captain Kurt! The landing party disembarking the ship via a staircase that pops out the bottom of the secondary hull! All that is funny, but what made me laugh out loud was the depiction of the forward sensor array (the ball-turret looking thing at the bottom of the saucer section) as some kind of shuttlecraft that just drops right out of the ship for a landing. That just struck me as gut-bustingly hilarious.

:: 20 Brilliant Bookcases. A few of these notions are interesting-looking, but there’s only one here that strikes me as genuinely useful. But then, I’m pretty much utilitarian when it comes to storing books.

More next week!

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The pipes still work!

Sorry for the radio silence the last few days, but Real Life got pretty busy for a few days, so busy that in the few moments I had where I could conceivably have posted something, I just didn’t feel like it. No, nothing bad happened; in fact, it was all good stuff. The Daughter had her first concerts as part of a couple of school music groups: she was in chorus Wednesday night, and then the orchestra (she plays the double bass) the second. The first concert ended up being quite long, as the program featured a number of groups from two different elementary schools in the district; the second was shorter, but there was an ice cream outing afterwards. Curse you, Cold Stone Creamery! (And the cute teenager who was making our sundaes that night said several times while making mine how much she loves whipped cream. I think she was flirting. Yay, me! I still got it!*)

We also had to finally get finished up on our teevee viewing, by knocking off the Grey’s Anatomy season finale. Wow, I love that show. The finale featured one of the more effective “OMG!!” moments I’ve seen on a teevee show the last few years, when the identity of the horribly-injured-in-a-disfiguring-way-if-he-even-survives John Doe was revealed. (I realized who he was about a minute before the actual reveal happened.) And the show had me thinking, “Oh, don’t die, Izzie! Don’t die!” Which is amazing because I can’t stand Izzie. There’s some good writing, there.

But anyway, that’s why there was a profound lack of blogging the last few days. Normal posting will resume…soon. Heh.

* OK, I know, not really. She was just happy and bubbly with all the customers. Yeesh.

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Sentential Links #171

Time for the weekly linkage:

:: Not to diminish Mancow’s experience, but if he thought that was torture, think what the real deal must be like. You are snatched out of nowhere, flown across the world, kept awake for days on end in a freezing room with little food, woken every time you fall asleep on your metal bed, thrown against the wall with that lovely procedure known as collaring, slapped, had dogs threatening you, yelled at and beaten, and so on and so forth. That goes on for a couple weeks to soften you up, then you are dragged by multiple burly men and waterboarded repeatedly. You have no dead man’s switch like Hitchens did, you have no “safe” word to stop the process, there are no cameras and friends there to make sure you are alright. These people have been abusing you non-stop for days or weeks, for all you know this is when they finally kill you.

Of course it is torture. I’m sick and tired of having this stupid damned debate. (Amen to that. A while back, when Sean Hannity brayed that he’d undergo waterboarding and “he’d do it for the troops”, I thought, “OK, you blowhard. But let’s do it right. Let’s have someone grab you off the street, throw you into a van, blindfold you, and drive you to someplace you have no idea. Then let’s have them strip off your clothes, deprive you of food for days, not say a word to you except to tell you to stand up or lie down; let’s have them randomly beat you. And then let’s have them waterboard you. No cameras to record your bravado. No knowledge that after ten seconds it’ll all be over. Let’s have them waterboard you, over and over and over again, until you scream for no more. And then, well, lather, rinse, repeat. Days, weeks, months, until you finally confess whatever it is we want you to confess. And then…we’ll do it again. For fun, this time. And if you get out alive, at least you’ll have the knowledge that you did it “for the troops”.

Anyone whose moral compass includes waterboarding is not someone I want around me, for anything at all.)

:: Oh, God, imagine there’s bacon on one side of my mouth and sausage on the other and they meet and have hot and angry make-up sex in the middle while a salt lick cheers them on.

:: Just for fun I decided to read something popular for a change; a bestseller throughout the English speaking world and across Europe. My first thought was The Recess by Sophia Lee.

:: One of the interesting outcomes of having married a man 12 yrs older than myself is that along with my husband came four step kids, two of which were closer to me in age than my spouse.

:: I often look at footage of the wildfires that sweep through the western states and think, “If only we had giant fire fighting robots.” (I have never thought this in my life. But I’m going to start.)

:: If we can have an entire “Antiques Roadshow” in which we slobber over household objects from the 1890s and declare them Invaluable Reminders of Our Venerated Past, why stop with Tiffany lamps? Why the hell not preserve a dirt road that we can say with complete confidence is in exactly the same configuration as when Elijah White led his 35th Virginia Comanches to attack a contingent of Federal cavalry on the night of January 17, 1865? What would such a road be, if not an antique?

:: Hell hath no fury like a middle schooler with a Twitter account!

All for this week.

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Remembering (a repost)

Know, all who see these lines,
That this man, by his appetite for honor,
By his steadfastness,
By his love for his country,
By his courage,
Was one of the miracles of the God.

— Guy Gavriel Kay

“The Green Field of France”, by Eric Bogle

Well, how do you do, young Willie McBride,
Do you mind if I sit down here by your graveside?
And rest for awhile ‘neath the warm summer sun,
I’ve been walking all day, and I’m nearly done.
I see by your gravestone you were only 19
When you joined the great fallen in 1916,
I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean
Or, Willie McBride, was it slow and obscene?

Did they Beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly?
Did they sound the death-march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play The Last Post in chorus?
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest?

Did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind
In some faithful heart is your memory enshrined?
And, though you died back in 1916,
To that faithful heart are you forever 19?
Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Enshrined then, forever, behind a glass pane,
In an old photograph, torn and tattered and stained,
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame?

Did they Beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly?
Did they sound the death-march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play The Last Post in chorus?
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest?

The sun’s shining down on these green fields of France;
The warm wind blows gently, and the red poppies dance.
The trenches have vanished long under the plow;
No gas and no barbed wire, no guns firing now.
But here in this graveyard that’s still No Man’s Land
The countless white crosses in stand mute in the sand
To man’s blind indifference to his fellow man,
And a whole generation who were butchered and damned.

Did they Beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly?
Did they sound the death-march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play The Last Post in chorus?
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest?

And I can’t help but wonder, no Willie McBride,
Do all those who lie here know why they died?
Did they really believe when they answered the call,
Did they really believe that this war would end wars?
Well the sorrow, the suffering, the glory, the pain
The killing and dying, was all done in vain,
For young Willie McBride, it all happened again,
And again, and again, and again, and again.

Did they Beat the drum slowly, did they play the fife lowly?
Did they sound the death-march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play The Last Post in chorus?
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest?

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The official site of Kelly Sedinger: Reader, writer, photographer, and dreamer

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