No, I’m not going to try convincing anyone that this is a good movie, because it’s really not. But it’s a decent enough Sunday afternoon flick for when you’re in the mood for crossed swords without too much to tax the brain. The sword fights are fairly well-done, Tim Curry’s Cardinal Richelieu swoops around with a red Vader-esque cape uttering lines like “I want those Musketeers, not excuses!”, there’s an evil henchman in black who wears an eye-patch, and you have American actors trying to act French and, for the most part, failing miserably. Oliver Platt as Porthos brings some energy to the proceedings; there’s a gleam in his eye that makes clear how full of shit the entire thing is. There are many, many, many better swashbucklers than this one. But there are also a lot worse, so there’s that.
The best thing about the film is the score by Michael Kamen, which is bright and energetic and full of lots of energy and dance-like rhythms, along with a bewitching use of the harpsichord. Kamen was a gifted composer taken too early, and it really is amazing how often it turns out that the best thing about a movie is its score. Here — assuming I’ve done the embedding correctly — is the entire score to The Three Musketeers.